I make my kids separate meals from us for pretty much every meal and I think it's better

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am definitely not saying that everyone has to do it my way. I'm just saying that you never hear people say "just make your kids separate foods, its fine" and I have found it is fine.

But I've been told a million times, by pediatricians, teachers, friends, family, "Just feed them what you eat!" As though all kids just eat what adults eat no issue. But my kids have never done this, and when we've tried to do family dinners without substitutions, or even minimizing substitutions, it just leads to conflict. So I just decided that what matters is that they eat regularly healthy meals that hit all their nutritional needs, and it's not actually that important that they eat the exact same foods.

Obviously if your kid happily eats whatever you eat, this isn't an issue. But serving different food is way better than either arguing over eating the family meal or watching them eat the least nutritious version of that meal when there are plenty of nutritious foods they WILL eat.

People act like serving your kids "kid food" at a meal is a failure and it's really not. I personally think it would be a failure if my my kid was eating nothing but tortillas/rolls/bread/rice and milk for dinner every night, which is what would happen if I didn't offer an alternative to our adult foods.

How about the dozens if not hundreds of people who would say NOTHING TO YOU AT ALL ABOUT HOW TO RAISE YOUR KIDS, because we would never dream of offering unsolicited parenting advice! You haven’t heard “just do X” because real life is not DCUM, and well-mannered adults do what works for them, live their lives, and don’t offer advice unless specifically ASKED.

What are you talking about, people offer unsolicited parenting advice all the time. On DCUM a lot of the advice is actually solicited, even if it is also often rudely delivered. But this is neither here nor there on the question of whether you are required to feed your kids the food you yourself eat. This is a conversation, not a pissing match, and you are the one being rude by shouting in ALL CAPS. Dial it down.

I’ve heard at least a dozen of my friends complain about how their kids are picky eaters, often as an invitation to commiserate. I murmer along and kind of use my now-adult cousin as a point of reassurance, “The pickiest eater I’ve ever known is a Navy pilot!” That kind of thing. But unless I am pressed, I don’t offer that my kids have never been picky (though there are certainly some foods they prefer and others they will taste and try, but will not eat a full portion), because that’s not helpful and because I don’t need to make every conversation about me. And no, my friends and family don’t offer unsolicited advice; like, ever. Maybe my mom will occasionally say something borderline advice-y, but not my friends. It’s more like someone throws out a point of commiseration. If someone has a particular question, we will ask it, but that’s rare.

The point is, OP is acting like people have been withholding this secret point of advice because only she herself has worked out this amazing strategy, and…that just ain’t it. I don’t care what my friends’ kids’ eat, and I don’t care what OP’s kids eat. I just think it’s off-base for her to be essentially telling us all how her way is best. No thanks, I’m not a short-order cook. I make dinner, and my kids eat it. We don’t need OP’s “better” way.

[Anonymous]

Big win: My kid ate roasted chicken and liked it (basically pieces of pulled chicken from a roasted bird) whereas before, he only consumed chicken nuggets, and only the most expensive brand, Bell and Evans.

I now have three meals we eat together:
Roast chicken, black beans, rice
Spaghetti (which he has with parm, we have with meat sauce)
Pizza

He is 6 and trying more food all of the sudden and I am trying to take advantage of the moment. He hears about healthy eating at school and agrees to eating vegs in theory but not yet in practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s cultural. My husband and I come from different cultures, both without kids menus or special kids meals. Our kids eat everything and have since they were babies. Seafood, liver, kale, mushrooms, spicy food — they eat everything and will try anything. The key for us was 1) always serve a variety so they don’t get used to any one thing in those “picky” phases and 2) don’t give in to demands. When our oldest was one they would wail for pancakes sometimes. Nope. You eat what everyone eats. Eventually when they learned that after a week or so it never happened again. We also always served vegetables first and limited snacks.

Everywhere I’ve been, all over the globe, has “kid foods.” Japan, India, Germany, Colombia, Peru. Never have I seen anywhere a culture that doesn’t include a regular reliance on “kid friendly” options separate from more intense and spicy adult foods. Those foods might look a little different than our American stand-bys, but of course they exist. Everywhere.

There are no “kid foods” in Spain. I lived there for years and can attest to this.

https://spanishsabores.com/what-do-kids-eat-in-spain/

https://familylifeinspain.com/2014/05/spanish-food-for-children/

You think you’re disproving my point but your links actually support it. Yes, kid foods in other countries like Spain don’t look the same as in the US and the UK like rice with tomato sauce. And just like the US, kids often do eat what the adults are eating. But yes, parents include kid friendly foods separate from adult oriented foods when they have young kids. Just like literally the whole globe.

The links do not support your point. There are no equivalents to chicken nuggets and lunchables in Spain and people do not include “kid friendly food” separate from other food. Kids eat what adults eat.. That’s the point.

But I never said there’s an equivalent to chicken nuggets and Lunchables. In fact, what I said was, kid friendly options look different than ours. But every culture has kid friendly options that they serve to kids. They don’t just demand their kids eat full-spice kimchi. Like a PP above explains, parents rinse it to make it kid friendly.

That doesn't mean kids of all ages are expected to eat it instead of regular food. Again, there is breast milk in every culture, too.

Hoo boy you sure do love to move goalposts around, don’t you? I don’t recall OP saying people should offer a separate course of kid adjusted foods until the kids enter high school.

DH was raised in a south Asian culture and I was raised in Japanese culture. We raise our kids as is typical in those cultures—offering what we eat, without as much spice, while also making sure fairly bland carbs and proteins are on offer, along with lovely fresh fruits and vegetables. This is also what OP is saying, and what I see most Americans doing. Makes sense. Kids all over the world are the same. They don’t want a mouthful of wasabi and are slow to warm up to certain adult foods, while loving rice, bread, and things like chicken with teriyaki sauce (or ketchup).

This, thank you. The people acting like only Americans accommodate the often more-limited palates of kids are nuts.

In most of the world, kids AND adults mostly eat the same foods all the time time. It's easy to adapt these meals for children with more limited palates because if you are accustomed to serving rice or bread with every single meal, and then supplementing with fresh vegetables and fruits, it's really not that hard to accommodate the young eaters at your table. This is normal. Young children who eat will eat tacos one night and a Thai curry the next and and Peruvian chicken the next? That's unusual and a mark of privilege because in most of the world (including Thailand and Peru, by the way) most adults don't have the opportunity to eat that much variety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am definitely not saying that everyone has to do it my way. I'm just saying that you never hear people say "just make your kids separate foods, its fine" and I have found it is fine.

But I've been told a million times, by pediatricians, teachers, friends, family, "Just feed them what you eat!" As though all kids just eat what adults eat no issue. But my kids have never done this, and when we've tried to do family dinners without substitutions, or even minimizing substitutions, it just leads to conflict. So I just decided that what matters is that they eat regularly healthy meals that hit all their nutritional needs, and it's not actually that important that they eat the exact same foods.

Obviously if your kid happily eats whatever you eat, this isn't an issue. But serving different food is way better than either arguing over eating the family meal or watching them eat the least nutritious version of that meal when there are plenty of nutritious foods they WILL eat.

People act like serving your kids "kid food" at a meal is a failure and it's really not. I personally think it would be a failure if my my kid was eating nothing but tortillas/rolls/bread/rice and milk for dinner every night, which is what would happen if I didn't offer an alternative to our adult foods.

How about the dozens if not hundreds of people who would say NOTHING TO YOU AT ALL ABOUT HOW TO RAISE YOUR KIDS, because we would never dream of offering unsolicited parenting advice! You haven’t heard “just do X” because real life is not DCUM, and well-mannered adults do what works for them, live their lives, and don’t offer advice unless specifically ASKED.

What are you talking about, people offer unsolicited parenting advice all the time. On DCUM a lot of the advice is actually solicited, even if it is also often rudely delivered. But this is neither here nor there on the question of whether you are required to feed your kids the food you yourself eat. This is a conversation, not a pissing match, and you are the one being rude by shouting in ALL CAPS. Dial it down.

I’ve heard at least a dozen of my friends complain about how their kids are picky eaters, often as an invitation to commiserate. I murmer along and kind of use my now-adult cousin as a point of reassurance, “The pickiest eater I’ve ever known is a Navy pilot!” That kind of thing. But unless I am pressed, I don’t offer that my kids have never been picky (though there are certainly some foods they prefer and others they will taste and try, but will not eat a full portion), because that’s not helpful and because I don’t need to make every conversation about me. And no, my friends and family don’t offer unsolicited advice; like, ever. Maybe my mom will occasionally say something borderline advice-y, but not my friends. It’s more like someone throws out a point of commiseration. If someone has a particular question, we will ask it, but that’s rare.

The point is, OP is acting like people have been withholding this secret point of advice because only she herself has worked out this amazing strategy, and…that just ain’t it. I don’t care what my friends’ kids’ eat, and I don’t care what OP’s kids eat. I just think it’s off-base for her to be essentially telling us all how her way is best. No thanks, I’m not a short-order cook. I make dinner, and my kids eat it. We don’t need OP’s “better” way.

I am OP and I wasn't saying my way is better than yours. If you read my OP, what I'm saying is that I have found my way is better than the standard advice, which is to feed your kids exactly what you are eating, because this results in my kids only eating the simple carbs and picking at the rest, whereas my way results in them eating a wider variety of food. I am sorry if the way I phrased my thread title is upsetting people -- I didn't mean it as a challenge to people who are happy with the way they feed their kids. I meant it as a suggested alternative for people who struggle to follow the standard advice of just feeding their kids exactly the same foods they eat.

I'm glad you don't get a lot of unsolicited advice about parenting, but my experience is that people DO tend to offer a lot of advice. And the bigger issue is that the advice they offer is often bad because it's based on different sorts of kids. This is why people with picky eaters, or parents of kids with special needs, often get a lot of bad advice. I thought I would just offer what I know to be pretty decent advice based on my experience with kids who do not happily eat the same sorts of foods we eat.

[Anonymous]

I usually serve the kids the adult meal but offer a pb&j after if they didn’t eat much. For us it’s worked well to give the kids opportunities to try a variety of foods, tastes, spices, seasonings but we don’t pressure on them to like everything or finish their plates

[Anonymous]

My two cents is that your kids eat a ton of sugar and hardly any protein.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are conflating "kid-friendly" foods with foods that are marketed and targeted at kids (or at parents who want to feed kids with minimal effort).

Serving rice and beans that are more mildly flavored to kids while the adults eat a spicier food with more components is not the same as just heating up some frozen nuggets or, oh my god, giving them a luncheable.

Yes, some kids are adventurous eaters and enjoy spicy foods. I know there are people who think these kids are made, not born, and to some degree that might be true. But I've also encountered families where one kid is adventurous and another is quite picky, and while no child has an identical experience as their sibling, I find it hard to believe that their parent's approach to food was so fundamentally different as to be the cause for this. There have also been studies that show pickiness in kids has a genetic component even when you control for things like what foods the child is offered. So while you may have kids who will eat anything you serve them, someone else might not, and that person still wants to serve their child a nutritious, well-rounded diet.

Thus: you can serve your kid healthy, kid-friendly foods. For a picky eater, this will often mean offering fewer combined foods (deconstructed everything), leaning more on fruits and legumes than vegetables (the cliche about kids not eating their vegetables is cliche for a reason), doing healthy versions of pancakes and muffins that have vegetables and fiber in them, etc. This doesn't mean just giving up and feeding your kid whatever they want, being a short-order cook, or feeding them unhealthy processed foods. It means accepting that your child is not going to eat certain things and making sure there are healthy alternatives they will eat available.

I also just question anyone who says things like "my kids eat what I eat" or "I don't give them the option" because I've had a kid who would happily go on a hunger strike to avoid eating foods that trigger her disgust impulses (which, for a time, included like 95% of all foods). I don't actually think you would starve a child like that rather than just going ahead and feeding the child something she will eat, especially if it's a healthy option. I think you just got fortunate in not having a child who'd rather go hungry than eat what you have served.

See the bolder is both what I understood the OP to be doing and I would consider it eating what the adults are eating: everyone gets beans and rice! So I find OP’s premise weirdly combative but her substance totally fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My two cents is that your kids eat a ton of sugar and hardly any protein.

Where are you getting this? Where is the sugar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s cultural. My husband and I come from different cultures, both without kids menus or special kids meals. Our kids eat everything and have since they were babies. Seafood, liver, kale, mushrooms, spicy food — they eat everything and will try anything. The key for us was 1) always serve a variety so they don’t get used to any one thing in those “picky” phases and 2) don’t give in to demands. When our oldest was one they would wail for pancakes sometimes. Nope. You eat what everyone eats. Eventually when they learned that after a week or so it never happened again. We also always served vegetables first and limited snacks.

Everywhere I’ve been, all over the globe, has “kid foods.” Japan, India, Germany, Colombia, Peru. Never have I seen anywhere a culture that doesn’t include a regular reliance on “kid friendly” options separate from more intense and spicy adult foods. Those foods might look a little different than our American stand-bys, but of course they exist. Everywhere.

There are no “kid foods” in Spain. I lived there for years and can attest to this.

https://spanishsabores.com/what-do-kids-eat-in-spain/

https://familylifeinspain.com/2014/05/spanish-food-for-children/

Here are “9 recipes with cheese for kids” from a parenting website based in Salamanca, Spain.

https://eresmama.com/5-recetas-con-queso-para-ninos/

Totally the same as chicken nuggets and Lunchables.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually serve the kids the adult meal but offer a pb&j after if they didn’t eat much. For us it’s worked well to give the kids opportunities to try a variety of foods, tastes, spices, seasonings but we don’t pressure on them to like everything or finish their plates

This is how we handle it. There is a one bite rule for all dishes, and I only allowed the sandwiches once they were old enough to make it on their own. With a husband that travels a lot and three kids in travel sports, I am simply too busy to make multiple meals or provide a lot of different options. You get what you get, or go make yourself a sandwich on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually serve the kids the adult meal but offer a pb&j after if they didn’t eat much. For us it’s worked well to give the kids opportunities to try a variety of foods, tastes, spices, seasonings but we don’t pressure on them to like everything or finish their plates

This is how we handle it. There is a one bite rule for all dishes, and I only allowed the sandwiches once they were old enough to make it on their own. With a husband that travels a lot and three kids in travel sports, I am simply too busy to make multiple meals or provide a lot of different options. You get what you get, or go make yourself a sandwich on your own.

We basically do this except a bowl of cereal is the option. It wouldn’t work if my kids only wanted to eat cereal, so I had to deploy this carefully. But it’s maybe once per week that 1 (of 3) of them will choose the cereal.

Also, from what I can tell from my IRL friends most people do a combination of the following: Some nights are everybody eats the same thing nights (in our house that is stuff like spaghetti and burgers). Some nights are we eat sort of the same thing but modify (e.g. make your own pizzas, but we all choose different toppings). And then some nights DH and I want our own food we know they won’t eat. I’m not wasting time and money preparing them fresh scallops and broccolini. We will plan something easier for them like pb&j and then make the nice meal for us. They are encouraged to take a bite off our plate and it’s 50/50 if they will. They’ve discovered a few new foods they do like that way, so they’re open to it. But I’m not going to completely take away their autonomy as to what to eat (note I think there’s a difference between limiting how many cookies your kids eat and forcing them to ingest something they find gross).

DH and I also have an at home date night like 2x/month where we’ll feed the kids and put them to bed a bit early. Then we order take out like sushi and watch a movie together. Cheaper than a sitter and it’s the same difference as if we went to a restaurant and ate something different from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s cultural. My husband and I come from different cultures, both without kids menus or special kids meals. Our kids eat everything and have since they were babies. Seafood, liver, kale, mushrooms, spicy food — they eat everything and will try anything. The key for us was 1) always serve a variety so they don’t get used to any one thing in those “picky” phases and 2) don’t give in to demands. When our oldest was one they would wail for pancakes sometimes. Nope. You eat what everyone eats. Eventually when they learned that after a week or so it never happened again. We also always served vegetables first and limited snacks.

Everywhere I’ve been, all over the globe, has “kid foods.” Japan, India, Germany, Colombia, Peru. Never have I seen anywhere a culture that doesn’t include a regular reliance on “kid friendly” options separate from more intense and spicy adult foods. Those foods might look a little different than our American stand-bys, but of course they exist. Everywhere.

There are no “kid foods” in Spain. I lived there for years and can attest to this.

https://spanishsabores.com/what-do-kids-eat-in-spain/

https://familylifeinspain.com/2014/05/spanish-food-for-children/

Here are “9 recipes with cheese for kids” from a parenting website based in Salamanca, Spain.

https://eresmama.com/5-recetas-con-queso-para-ninos/

Totally the same as chicken nuggets and Lunchables.

Sorry who said all countries have something equivalent to lunchables and chicken nuggets? Are you lost from some other board? Or maybe plane of reality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am definitely not saying that everyone has to do it my way. I'm just saying that you never hear people say "just make your kids separate foods, its fine" and I have found it is fine.

But I've been told a million times, by pediatricians, teachers, friends, family, "Just feed them what you eat!" As though all kids just eat what adults eat no issue. But my kids have never done this, and when we've tried to do family dinners without substitutions, or even minimizing substitutions, it just leads to conflict. So I just decided that what matters is that they eat regularly healthy meals that hit all their nutritional needs, and it's not actually that important that they eat the exact same foods.

Obviously if your kid happily eats whatever you eat, this isn't an issue. But serving different food is way better than either arguing over eating the family meal or watching them eat the least nutritious version of that meal when there are plenty of nutritious foods they WILL eat.

People act like serving your kids "kid food" at a meal is a failure and it's really not. I personally think it would be a failure if my my kid was eating nothing but tortillas/rolls/bread/rice and milk for dinner every night, which is what would happen if I didn't offer an alternative to our adult foods.

How about the dozens if not hundreds of people who would say NOTHING TO YOU AT ALL ABOUT HOW TO RAISE YOUR KIDS, because we would never dream of offering unsolicited parenting advice! You haven’t heard “just do X” because real life is not DCUM, and well-mannered adults do what works for them, live their lives, and don’t offer advice unless specifically ASKED.

What are you talking about, people offer unsolicited parenting advice all the time. On DCUM a lot of the advice is actually solicited, even if it is also often rudely delivered. But this is neither here nor there on the question of whether you are required to feed your kids the food you yourself eat. This is a conversation, not a pissing match, and you are the one being rude by shouting in ALL CAPS. Dial it down.

I’ve heard at least a dozen of my friends complain about how their kids are picky eaters, often as an invitation to commiserate. I murmer along and kind of use my now-adult cousin as a point of reassurance, “The pickiest eater I’ve ever known is a Navy pilot!” That kind of thing. But unless I am pressed, I don’t offer that my kids have never been picky (though there are certainly some foods they prefer and others they will taste and try, but will not eat a full portion), because that’s not helpful and because I don’t need to make every conversation about me. And no, my friends and family don’t offer unsolicited advice; like, ever. Maybe my mom will occasionally say something borderline advice-y, but not my friends. It’s more like someone throws out a point of commiseration. If someone has a particular question, we will ask it, but that’s rare.

The point is, OP is acting like people have been withholding this secret point of advice because only she herself has worked out this amazing strategy, and…that just ain’t it. I don’t care what my friends’ kids’ eat, and I don’t care what OP’s kids eat. I just think it’s off-base for her to be essentially telling us all how her way is best. No thanks, I’m not a short-order cook. I make dinner, and my kids eat it. We don’t need OP’s “better” way.

I am OP and I wasn't saying my way is better than yours. If you read my OP, what I'm saying is that I have found my way is better than the standard advice, which is to feed your kids exactly what you are eating, because this results in my kids only eating the simple carbs and picking at the rest, whereas my way results in them eating a wider variety of food. I am sorry if the way I phrased my thread title is upsetting people -- I didn't mean it as a challenge to people who are happy with the way they feed their kids. I meant it as a suggested alternative for people who struggle to follow the standard advice of just feeding their kids exactly the same foods they eat.

I'm glad you don't get a lot of unsolicited advice about parenting, but my experience is that people DO tend to offer a lot of advice. And the bigger issue is that the advice they offer is often bad because it's based on different sorts of kids. This is why people with picky eaters, or parents of kids with special needs, often get a lot of bad advice. I thought I would just offer what I know to be pretty decent advice based on my experience with kids who do not happily eat the same sorts of foods we eat.

OP, I think I get what you mean. I BBC also have a truly picky/disordered eater (ARFID diagnosis, underlying food intolerances and other medical issues, years of feeding therapy) and if I just insisted on eating curry and my favorite Thai noodles every night my kids would also just eat the side dish so I usually have a couple preferred foods out at a time (although I do try to occasionally have no preferred carbs out to increase the amount of protein/fat/fruit that gets eaten). I think it’s important to continue the exposure but also meet your kid where they are. I make sure my kid gets enough protein even if that means eating the same thing more often than ideal. I think this approach works but it’s slow. I also know that people think I’m a terrible mom who is lazy and doesn’t want to deal because and that’s why my kid has a limited palate. They don’t know about the medical issues or the years of therapy and the fact that my kid now can pass for a “regular “ picky eater is a huge win. It’s ok. We avoided a feeding tube and my relationship with my child is strong. I can handle the judgment.

I think your title was a little inflammatory, whether you meant it to be or not. Anyway people who use their child’s varied palate to feel good about their parenting are very resistant to the idea that they had fairly little to do with that and have a lot of energy invested in believing other people are “wrong “. You won’t convince them.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your kids don’t eat any vegetables? Even if they eat healthy foods they still need vegetables. I’m a big believer in doing what works for your family and if this system works for you then that’s fine. My kid doesn’t like the same thing in tacos as I do not that doesn’t mean I want to make a separate meal. She can have the taco shell with some taco meat, Avacado and cheese….. I’m not forcing lettuce or salsa on her if she doesn’t like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh FFS. What do you think kids eat all over the world, and have done for thousands of years? They eat the cuisine of their culture, spicy though it may be.

Sorry your kids are picky, OP, but don't pretend all children are like this. And don't pretend your choice to cater to them isn't part of why your kids are picky.

hmm.. I dont know about other cultures but in my North Indian heritage family..kids do have special food made for them that was separate from the Indian curries and sabzi gosht you eat as n adult. breakfast wud often be plain paratha and yoghurt with sugar whipped in or eggs & toast soldier- not a green chili and scallion omelette! a serving of pulao with ghee or kichri etc.. some kids want to eat spicy foods earlier and start asking for it bit no- one is given korma and palak right off the bat. grandmas would hiss that baby's sensitive tummy cant take it so until kids are like 5-7ish, separate food is served to them. lots of ghee filled food, yoghurt and fruit with fiber is fed to kids b/c they need the fat for their growing brains. same with almonds/nuts- we had to eat a handful of almonds every day and a bowl of kefir like yoghurt at lunch. We were also allowed sweets but limited eating sour foods. and egos is pretty common even in South Indian families but they are vegetarian more often and feed kichri instead of pulao.