Reply to Parent is not a bad person but still not emotionally attached to them

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Did your mom ever say anything about him or his capabilities? Or hint that he’d need extra care or understanding? [/quote]

OP: Yes, definitely. That could be the subject of a whole separate thread. Fortunately I am in therapy and can continue processing all this stuff outside of DCUM.

It’s been nice especially to hear from the posters who say they can relate.

I really get that it’s important to be grateful for what you have. I try to spend most of my time focusing on the good. But it is always helpful to examine the patterns and norms we grew up with and how they affect us, for better or for worse. [/quote]

As an adult, I realized that while my father loves my mother and loves us, he is deeply, deeply selfish. So he doesn’t “see” us, since that would require not being selfish.

Your example about your dad making a desert for your mother and it being something she never ordered for herself really struck home - that’s exactly what my father would do.

For me, having a father/parent who loves me but never was really looking out for me (while my mother was an amazing parent - not perfect, but a really good parent) made it hard to believe I didn’t have to protect myself/look out for myself with people who love me. It was an issue I had to work through in my own relationships with SO, since I found myself being ok with men who loved me but didn’t look out for me. I see, too, that my mother loves my father, but knows she has to look out for her own interests because he always puts himself first (again, not in a jerk-way, just in a deeply selfish way). In my current marriage I struggle with being vulnerable with my spouse, but not with my close friends or my kids.

So while I am thankful that my father/parents provided me with a stable home, and good morals, a happy home, etc., my mother is the one who provided me with emotional security, love, and intimacy (obviously in a non-romantic sense). It’s not surprising I feel so close to her and not very close with my father. All those little selfish actions add up over the years - I understand where I fit in his life.

I actually wonder how much I would speak to my father if my mother passes away first - I have called him maybe one time every year, while I call my mom all the time. I do text both of them regularly to share pictures of my kids. I’m not sure if I will be sad when he dies.[/quote]

OP here one last time: Thank you for this post. I’m sorry for what you’ve struggled with, but it was truly helpful to read all this.

Thanks to everyone else, as well. I’ve never appreciated DCUM so much. [/quote]

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