Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

This actually isn’t as strictly gendered as some suggest, and FYI my MIL is super successful in her field and made about ten times more money than FIL, who did most of the childcare when DH was a kid and continues to be the main person who grocery shops and cleans.

But I think EVERYONE should contribute and be helpful. I’m the same way when we have guests with kids, and honestly it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see often. But if they don’t want to interact much with our kids, at least they could do other host things to help us out.

I will NEVER be like them when my kids are grown and come visit. It’s no wonder we don’t visit ILs very often.

The fact that you think it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see that often is where the disconnect is. I love my kids but I can fully acknowledge that when they were under 5 entertaining them for more than about 20 minutes was not that fun for other people, and was no one’s responsibility but mine and DHs. And I only had 2 of them not 3. It’s not reasonable to expect other people to entertain your 3 very young children for long stretches.

If my parents or inlaws had this attitude about their grandchildren, we would have seen them a whole lot less.

What in the world? They are your kids, you decided to have them, ultimate responsibility lies with you. Why did you have kids? Were they to be a git to your parents and in-laws?

Did you read the post I am responding to? Did you see how many times she talks about "fun?" Do you want to be an engaged grandparent to the age your grandkids actually are? Or are you just looking for fun? Because schlepping little kids to their grandparents' house is not fun for the adult children.

Again, thank goodness my parents and in-laws were a great help with kids that age.

The PP is acknowledging it's not fun to be around little kids all day or expect others to entertain them. Are you the one responding that you wouldn't visit people who think that little kids are sometimes a drag? Because if you are I think that's ridiculous. They are your kids and your job no matter whose house you're in. You don't get to put your feet up and relax and foist toddlers on grandparents all who may not be up to the job. My kids aren't that old, I have 3 of them, the youngest is 7. I know exactly what all this is like. But at the end of the day, my kids, my problem.

No, I wouldn't visit people with my children who thought my children are a drag.

Also the "putting your feet" "reading novels" and whatever else has been thrown around seems to be red herring because OP has said no one has assisted with the kids and the kids are supposed to play alone in another room. So, no, I would not visit someone like that when I had small kids.

So you’ll let your unrealistic expectations ruin your relationships with your parents or ILs. Got it.

(And for the record, why would op want free babysitting if not to put her feet up? You make no sense.)

Actually I've responded -- my parents and ILs were fantastic through the little kid phase. Both sets of grandparents were very aware of how difficult it was to move kids out of their routines at that age and wanted to help ease the burden on their adult children and spend time getting to know their grandchildren. So expectations were not just realistic -- but the actuality. Many of my friends had similarly understanding parents. The grandparents who didn't help were the exceptions - and unsurprisingly - saw their kids/grandkids less.

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone else that it’s a million times harder to keep my kids safe in my ILs home with many floor to ceiling china cabinets of ceramic figurines and floor level glass decorations in every single room. It’s much harder than a hotel too. My kids also expect attention from grandparents because my parents LOVE playing with them and it’s hard to explain this set is just not up for as much to toddlers (it’s easier now they are older). So if my ILs want to talk to their son without interruption, which is very reasonable, it’s a lot of effort. I can’t do it the whole day, luckily I don’t typically have to (partially because we stay elsewhere now and also my ILs do play with the kids some). Mi MIL in particular is not healthy so it feels different I think, like the can’t do much rather than they don’t want to. I have multiple times ended up cleaning up the entire meal because my ILs got excited about having people over and made/ordered way too much food and got overwhelmed. It’s ok. I do what I can and assume I’m essentially on duty in some capacity at all times in their house.

My DH will try to make sure I get time with my family when the reverse happens, and yes it’s way easier for a variety of reasons but it’s good enough for me.

[Anonymous]

I wish some of you had more supportive, inclusive families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

This actually isn’t as strictly gendered as some suggest, and FYI my MIL is super successful in her field and made about ten times more money than FIL, who did most of the childcare when DH was a kid and continues to be the main person who grocery shops and cleans.

But I think EVERYONE should contribute and be helpful. I’m the same way when we have guests with kids, and honestly it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see often. But if they don’t want to interact much with our kids, at least they could do other host things to help us out.

I will NEVER be like them when my kids are grown and come visit. It’s no wonder we don’t visit ILs very often.

The fact that you think it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see that often is where the disconnect is. I love my kids but I can fully acknowledge that when they were under 5 entertaining them for more than about 20 minutes was not that fun for other people, and was no one’s responsibility but mine and DHs. And I only had 2 of them not 3. It’s not reasonable to expect other people to entertain your 3 very young children for long stretches.

If my parents or inlaws had this attitude about their grandchildren, we would have seen them a whole lot less.

What in the world? They are your kids, you decided to have them, ultimate responsibility lies with you. Why did you have kids? Were they to be a git to your parents and in-laws?

Did you read the post I am responding to? Did you see how many times she talks about "fun?" Do you want to be an engaged grandparent to the age your grandkids actually are? Or are you just looking for fun? Because schlepping little kids to their grandparents' house is not fun for the adult children.

Again, thank goodness my parents and in-laws were a great help with kids that age.

The PP is acknowledging it's not fun to be around little kids all day or expect others to entertain them. Are you the one responding that you wouldn't visit people who think that little kids are sometimes a drag? Because if you are I think that's ridiculous. They are your kids and your job no matter whose house you're in. You don't get to put your feet up and relax and foist toddlers on grandparents all who may not be up to the job. My kids aren't that old, I have 3 of them, the youngest is 7. I know exactly what all this is like. But at the end of the day, my kids, my problem.

No, I wouldn't visit people with my children who thought my children are a drag.

You think your kids are a drag which is why you're trying to pawn them off on someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

This actually isn’t as strictly gendered as some suggest, and FYI my MIL is super successful in her field and made about ten times more money than FIL, who did most of the childcare when DH was a kid and continues to be the main person who grocery shops and cleans.

But I think EVERYONE should contribute and be helpful. I’m the same way when we have guests with kids, and honestly it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see often. But if they don’t want to interact much with our kids, at least they could do other host things to help us out.

I will NEVER be like them when my kids are grown and come visit. It’s no wonder we don’t visit ILs very often.

The fact that you think it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see that often is where the disconnect is. I love my kids but I can fully acknowledge that when they were under 5 entertaining them for more than about 20 minutes was not that fun for other people, and was no one’s responsibility but mine and DHs. And I only had 2 of them not 3. It’s not reasonable to expect other people to entertain your 3 very young children for long stretches.

If my parents or inlaws had this attitude about their grandchildren, we would have seen them a whole lot less.

What in the world? They are your kids, you decided to have them, ultimate responsibility lies with you. Why did you have kids? Were they to be a git to your parents and in-laws?

NP...Most people choose to have kids to expand their entire families, not just create a new, independent nuclear unit.

If my parents or in-laws shared your hostile views, I would not visit them over the holidays. It's not just about who is responsible for entertaining small children, it's about connecting to each other in meaningful ways. Also, I always strip the sheets and my husband would definitely help with the dishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

This actually isn’t as strictly gendered as some suggest, and FYI my MIL is super successful in her field and made about ten times more money than FIL, who did most of the childcare when DH was a kid and continues to be the main person who grocery shops and cleans.

But I think EVERYONE should contribute and be helpful. I’m the same way when we have guests with kids, and honestly it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see often. But if they don’t want to interact much with our kids, at least they could do other host things to help us out.

I will NEVER be like them when my kids are grown and come visit. It’s no wonder we don’t visit ILs very often.

The fact that you think it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see that often is where the disconnect is. I love my kids but I can fully acknowledge that when they were under 5 entertaining them for more than about 20 minutes was not that fun for other people, and was no one’s responsibility but mine and DHs. And I only had 2 of them not 3. It’s not reasonable to expect other people to entertain your 3 very young children for long stretches.

If my parents or inlaws had this attitude about their grandchildren, we would have seen them a whole lot less.

What in the world? They are your kids, you decided to have them, ultimate responsibility lies with you. Why did you have kids? Were they to be a git to your parents and in-laws?

Did you read the post I am responding to? Did you see how many times she talks about "fun?" Do you want to be an engaged grandparent to the age your grandkids actually are? Or are you just looking for fun? Because schlepping little kids to their grandparents' house is not fun for the adult children.

Again, thank goodness my parents and in-laws were a great help with kids that age.

The PP is acknowledging it's not fun to be around little kids all day or expect others to entertain them. Are you the one responding that you wouldn't visit people who think that little kids are sometimes a drag? Because if you are I think that's ridiculous. They are your kids and your job no matter whose house you're in. You don't get to put your feet up and relax and foist toddlers on grandparents all who may not be up to the job. My kids aren't that old, I have 3 of them, the youngest is 7. I know exactly what all this is like. But at the end of the day, my kids, my problem.

No, I wouldn't visit people with my children who thought my children are a drag.

You think your kids are a drag which is why you're trying to pawn them off on someone else.

You truly sound like a miserable person. Is it because no one has ever helped you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem. Helping with dishes and stripping the bed aren't big asks. Your problem is that your spouse is fine letting you do all kid wrangling.

This is your issue. Ask DH to strip the beds and help with dishes when the kids go to bed. You have added 5 people's worth of dishes and cups to your ILs sink for every single meal. Of course you and DH should help out.

These are your kids. While it would be nice if the grandparents read to and played with the kids, some just are not into that for more than an hour here or there. They miss THIER SON and want to catch up and spend time with him. They are not your sitters (and they likely do not need you to entertain them, again they miss him).

[Anonymous]

I would imagine that this is a problem that has been brewing overt time.

I think many parents of adult children have a hard time letting go of control. I am a grandmother and I see this happening all the time. My experience is that it is more predominant between mothers and sons.

Your husband must take care of it. It would not read well if mom stepped in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how you perceive to be taking care of your kids as being treated like a nanny.

Ha! Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem. Helping with dishes and stripping the bed aren't big asks. Your problem is that your spouse is fine letting you do all kid wrangling.

This is your issue. Ask DH to strip the beds and help with dishes when the kids go to bed. You have added 5 people's worth of dishes and cups to your ILs sink for every single meal. Of course you and DH should help out.

These are your kids. While it would be nice if the grandparents read to and played with the kids, some just are not into that for more than an hour here or there. They miss THIER SON and want to catch up and spend time with him. They are not your sitters (and they likely do not need you to entertain them, again they miss him).

He can visit them solo. Have you suggested this? I visit my parents twice a year without my DH and kids.

[Anonymous]

Also I say it is a husband problem. Make his life hell until he listens to you. Do not back down. Your marriage is at stake here. (I know from experience and a few hellish fights when things with in-laws went way way too far and I was expected to handle it alone)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem. Helping with dishes and stripping the bed aren't big asks. Your problem is that your spouse is fine letting you do all kid wrangling.

This is your issue. Ask DH to strip the beds and help with dishes when the kids go to bed. You have added 5 people's worth of dishes and cups to your ILs sink for every single meal. Of course you and DH should help out.

These are your kids. While it would be nice if the grandparents read to and played with the kids, some just are not into that for more than an hour here or there. They miss THIER SON and want to catch up and spend time with him. They are not your sitters (and they likely do not need you to entertain them, again they miss him).

Such a pathetic perspective, I hope you are a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

This actually isn’t as strictly gendered as some suggest, and FYI my MIL is super successful in her field and made about ten times more money than FIL, who did most of the childcare when DH was a kid and continues to be the main person who grocery shops and cleans.

But I think EVERYONE should contribute and be helpful. I’m the same way when we have guests with kids, and honestly it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see often. But if they don’t want to interact much with our kids, at least they could do other host things to help us out.

I will NEVER be like them when my kids are grown and come visit. It’s no wonder we don’t visit ILs very often.

The fact that you think it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see that often is where the disconnect is. I love my kids but I can fully acknowledge that when they were under 5 entertaining them for more than about 20 minutes was not that fun for other people, and was no one’s responsibility but mine and DHs. And I only had 2 of them not 3. It’s not reasonable to expect other people to entertain your 3 very young children for long stretches.

If my parents or inlaws had this attitude about their grandchildren, we would have seen them a whole lot less.

What in the world? They are your kids, you decided to have them, ultimate responsibility lies with you. Why did you have kids? Were they to be a git to your parents and in-laws?

Did you read the post I am responding to? Did you see how many times she talks about "fun?" Do you want to be an engaged grandparent to the age your grandkids actually are? Or are you just looking for fun? Because schlepping little kids to their grandparents' house is not fun for the adult children.

Again, thank goodness my parents and in-laws were a great help with kids that age.

The PP is acknowledging it's not fun to be around little kids all day or expect others to entertain them. Are you the one responding that you wouldn't visit people who think that little kids are sometimes a drag? Because if you are I think that's ridiculous. They are your kids and your job no matter whose house you're in. You don't get to put your feet up and relax and foist toddlers on grandparents all who may not be up to the job. My kids aren't that old, I have 3 of them, the youngest is 7. I know exactly what all this is like. But at the end of the day, my kids, my problem.

No, I wouldn't visit people with my children who thought my children are a drag.

You think your kids are a drag which is why you're trying to pawn them off on someone else.

You truly sound like a miserable person. Is it because no one has ever helped you?

No, because I can handle my kids. My parents raised their kids, it's nice if they offer to help but I don't expect it, that would be the height of entitlement. If visiting them is too hard we do shorter visits. I don't expect to roll up, kick my feet up and assume it's grandparent time. It's hard work, and you know it, which is why you want a break so badly. But people in their 60s and 70s have far less energy and it's not really their job, it's yours. The buck stops with the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how you perceive to be taking care of your kids as being treated like a nanny.

Ha! Exactly!

well she's in someone else's house and the rest of the family is lounging around while she tries to keep everyone on schedule. It's a bad situation. Who can't see that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem. Helping with dishes and stripping the bed aren't big asks. Your problem is that your spouse is fine letting you do all kid wrangling.

This is your issue. Ask DH to strip the beds and help with dishes when the kids go to bed. You have added 5 people's worth of dishes and cups to your ILs sink for every single meal. Of course you and DH should help out.

These are your kids. While it would be nice if the grandparents read to and played with the kids, some just are not into that for more than an hour here or there. They miss THIER SON and want to catch up and spend time with him. They are not your sitters (and they likely do not need you to entertain them, again they miss him).

He can visit them solo. Have you suggested this? I visit my parents twice a year without my DH and kids.

When you get married, your DIL is family. I have in-laws that try to push me out. They asked me to take pictures. When I start a conversation with one of them, they finish the conversation with my husband.

The person that you marry becomes FAMILY. THEIR FAMILY. I was once young and tried to please my in-laws.

Now that I am older, they can all go to hell!