Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”

[Anonymous]

We are visiting ILs out of state with our three young kids (youngest is 2).

My ILs do NOTHING helpful with the kids. They don’t even sit with them to read a book. It’s as if the kids are there to entertain their grandparents, and otherwise the ILs just want to have adult conversation while the kids “go play alone”.

Because our kids require more care and attention than this (and to their credit they are extremely good at independent play, but have a 1-2 hour limit), I end up dealing with everything kid related and I feel like a freaking nanny while DH and his parents talk politics or theater or something.

On top of this, we are expected to wash our own dishes and strip the bed linens when we leave etc. But this is very hard to do while taking care of three kids AND being an “entertaining” guest who is engaging in adult conversation.

I really hate feeling bratty about the dishes and sheets but seriously? If they so desperately want the kids to play quietly while one of us has adult conversation, they could offer to do some of our basic chores.

Ahhhhhhhhh.

[Anonymous]

You have a husband problem. Helping with dishes and stripping the bed aren't big asks. Your problem is that your spouse is fine letting you do all kid wrangling.

[Anonymous]

If you can't even take care of your kids, why would you expect more from an elderly couple? Sounds like you have a husband problem.

[Anonymous]

The ILs aren't the only ones doing nothing with the kids. How did that escape your attention?

[Anonymous]

Go there less. Send DH with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are visiting ILs out of state with our three young kids (youngest is 2).

My ILs do NOTHING helpful with the kids. They don’t even sit with them to read a book. It’s as if the kids are there to entertain their grandparents, and otherwise the ILs just want to have adult conversation while the kids “go play alone”.

Because our kids require more care and attention than this (and to their credit they are extremely good at independent play, but have a 1-2 hour limit), I end up dealing with everything kid related and I feel like a freaking nanny while DH and his parents talk politics or theater or something.

On top of this, we are expected to wash our own dishes and strip the bed linens when we leave etc. But this is very hard to do while taking care of three kids AND being an “entertaining” guest who is engaging in adult conversation.

I really hate feeling bratty about the dishes and sheets but seriously? If they so desperately want the kids to play quietly while one of us has adult conversation, they could offer to do some of our basic chores.

Ahhhhhhhhh.

So your inlaws are shopping and cooking and cleaning up beforehand and while you’re there, and you’re upset they aren’t also providing free childcare? How long does it take to strip the bed?

This reminds me of SIL and BIL who expect catered meals AND free childcare. DH and I, with kids of our own, just roll our eyes when they complain about MIL and FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ILs aren't the only ones doing nothing with the kids. How did that escape your attention?

This. It’s always so interesting to me how many women don’t seem to want to blame their husbands when it’s their husbands fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem. Helping with dishes and stripping the bed aren't big asks. Your problem is that your spouse is fine letting you do all kid wrangling.

Agree with this. Your H is not carrying his weight.

FWIW, my ILs are like yours. On top of it all, their house is full of glass trinkets within easy reach. It's very stressful. I do not help with household chores b/c I'm exhausted from watching and entertaining the kids non stop.

[Anonymous]

I have the same situation. So miserable. I have tried to explain this dynamic from my perspective to my DH and it's gotten a little better but it's still not great.
I think my DH thinks that his parents basically will take care of entertaining the kids or the kids are being more self sufficient than they actually are, so I end up completely exhausted and he hasn't noticed that I've been trying to keep them happy and entertained the whole time while he's been chatting with his parents or whatever.
What's extra irritating to me is that my ILs do not host at their house, I get my own glass of water and that's about it. But when they're at our house they plop themselves down and make continuous requests despite how many times I show them where the glasses are, how to turn the coffee machine on, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ILs aren't the only ones doing nothing with the kids. How did that escape your attention?

This. It’s always so interesting to me how many women don’t seem to want to blame their husbands when it’s their husbands fault.

By ILs I'm sure OP means her MIL. She expects her MIL to pick up the slack so OP can rest, laze around, talk theater, and not clean up after herself or her kids. She never presumed her DH or FIL would lift a finger since she seems to be stuck in some sort of time warp.

[Anonymous]

Hey Hubby - Here are the kids - I'm going out for a run/walk/exercise. See you in about an hour.

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband that if he doesn't help with the chores and kid care, you won't visit his parents. And while there, tell your husband, in front of his parents: "Hey, the beds need stripping", and go and sit down. Pick up the paper. Discuss politics. I'm sure they'll all be deeply offended and it will be a riot. Because of course what they really want is to get together as their old-time family unit, while the acquired wife and kids exist as a pleasing, Norman Rockwell backdrop.

[Anonymous]

You should find a nice salon and spa near your in-laws and learn to disappear.

[Anonymous]

They expect you to take care of your own kids, wash your own dishes, and strips your own beds? How in the world is that “expecting you to do a ton”? You expect them to be your nanny and dishwasher when you visit? They’re old.

The person you should be mad at is your husband who is not sharing the load of being a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ILs aren't the only ones doing nothing with the kids. How did that escape your attention?

This. It’s always so interesting to me how many women don’t seem to want to blame their husbands when it’s their husbands fault.

By ILs I'm sure OP means her MIL. She expects her MIL to pick up the slack so OP can rest, laze around, talk theater, and not clean up after herself or her kids. She never presumed her DH or FIL would lift a finger since she seems to be stuck in some sort of time warp.

Yep. This expectation that 65+ can provide free childcare for toddlers is unrealistic. Some can, but many can’t. If OP wants to drink wine, she needs to enlist her DH to help.