Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”

[Anonymous]

I had all these issues when my in-laws lived out of state. Then they moved 10 minutes from us and it’s much better. If DH and parents try to have adult time and the kids have nothing to do (in-laws have no toys and won’t let us leave any there because clutter) then I just make up some excuse why we need to leave. I’m not the nanny - in a house where my kids have nothing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thread derailed by the DCUM jackals.

Derailed from what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had all these issues when my in-laws lived out of state. Then they moved 10 minutes from us and it’s much better. If DH and parents try to have adult time and the kids have nothing to do (in-laws have no toys and won’t let us leave any there because clutter) then I just make up some excuse why we need to leave. I’m not the nanny - in a house where my kids have nothing to do.

Pack toys in and out of their house. Talk to DH about sharing the work. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here.

This actually isn’t as strictly gendered as some suggest, and FYI my MIL is super successful in her field and made about ten times more money than FIL, who did most of the childcare when DH was a kid and continues to be the main person who grocery shops and cleans.

But I think EVERYONE should contribute and be helpful. I’m the same way when we have guests with kids, and honestly it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see often. But if they don’t want to interact much with our kids, at least they could do other host things to help us out.

I will NEVER be like them when my kids are grown and come visit. It’s no wonder we don’t visit ILs very often.

The fact that you think it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see that often is where the disconnect is. I love my kids but I can fully acknowledge that when they were under 5 entertaining them for more than about 20 minutes was not that fun for other people, and was no one’s responsibility but mine and DHs. And I only had 2 of them not 3. It’s not reasonable to expect other people to entertain your 3 very young children for long stretches.

If my parents or inlaws had this attitude about their grandchildren, we would have seen them a whole lot less.

What in the world? They are your kids, you decided to have them, ultimate responsibility lies with you. Why did you have kids? Were they to be a git to your parents and in-laws?

NP...Most people choose to have kids to expand their entire families, not just create a new, independent nuclear unit.

If my parents or in-laws shared your hostile views, I would not visit them over the holidays. It's not just about who is responsible for entertaining small children, it's about connecting to each other in meaningful ways. Also, I always strip the sheets and my husband would definitely help with the dishes.

I can guarantee most of the women who post here didn't give much thought to expanding their entire families when they decided to have kids. It's not an extended family decision. Can you imagine asking the posters here if they got input from their in-laws when they decided to have kids? You must be new here.

Wow, good burn! Sorry I'm not a jaded, bitter troll who sweeps this website looking to bash tired mothers.

What are you exactly? Because you aren't coming across as pleasant and nice. Maybe take a nap if you're so tired. I'm sure some grandparents or in-laws will gladly watch your kids for you.

What am I? I'm a mother who gets along with her parents and in-laws and I genuinely enjoy spending time with all of them. If they resented my kids or me, why would I stay with them? I'm not a taker. If my MIL is working on a puzzle with my son, I'll bring them cookies (and wine for my MIL). My father likes taking his grandkids on long walks to collect acorns and pinecones so my brother and I can catch up. If the grandparents are tired, we let them rest and we cook for them. No one is keeping score. And yes, if I want to take a nap, my sister-in-law would hand me earplugs (and vice versa).

Some of you twist my words to make it seem like I'm getting input to have kids from my parents. But that's reductive. When we had kids, we knew grandparents and aunts and uncles would be part of their lives.

Not wanting to watch young kids all day because it's hard, and because older people have less energy, is not resenting grandkids and doesn't mean they deserve to get cut off. They are not the parents, watching the kids is the parents' primary job. The least you can do is wash your dishes and take the sheets off the bed as a guest. But expecting the elderly hosts to watch the kids all day, cook all the meals, strip the beds, do the dishes, is a bit much. I don't visit my parents or in-laws expecting much help with the kids, if they do, it's a bonus, but it's not an expectation. And I'm certainly not going to stomp out of there because they don't have the energy of 30 year old parents, because they aren't. I'm not the one complaining here, but you seem to be aghast that other families work differently and threaten to "see them a whole lot less" if it worked any other way.

Since OP's ILS are not watching the kids all day OR stripping beds OR doing dishes OR cooking all the meals seems like you don't have much of an actual point.

DP. What? You make no sense. OP says she WANTS all-day babysitting and not to have to strip beds or do dishes. She’s frustrated that she’s not getting these things. THAT’s the point of the WHOLE THREAD.

No. The point is that she's doing it all while the ILs and husband sit around and talk politics. She would like some period of the day where she is off too. Like the inlaws. Like her husband. THAT is the point of her post. You and others have changed the topic to whole day and make muddied up the thread with the same.

Yes, pretty much this. OP probably wrote this in a fit of pique and may not have been clear as she could have been without the visit looming over the horizon.

I am quite fortunate as my ILs, especially my MIL, were quite helpful when our twins were newborns through early elementary (and much more self sufficient and trust worthy). First reason - DH's sister would not really allow her parents to have any unfettered access to her kids, so MIL was just chomping at the bit. Second reason - MIL knew she would not really get any time with DH (recreate their nuclear family) if I had to run around the whole time chasing kids (most of these visits were on a lake so drowning was a very near possibility). Our kids are fortunate that their dad/DH was very involved right from the start with all facets of care and MIL knew that he was not going to sit there and chat with her if they were in adouble tantrum, etc. And third reason - we hired sitters for some days/nights to have breaks for ourselves w/o expecting our ILs to watch them. Usually DH and I would do a few things during the one or two days we had someone and have a sitter for one night to go out with his parents.

So even if MIL was not as hands on, DH was and is and we were willing to hire sitters to give us breaks too. OP, even if your ILs are able-bodied, it doesn't sound like they want to be involved in this way their grandchildren. And sounds like your DH isn't splitting the load as much as he should, even if he is at this parents. Three under five is a lot and probably would be good if you two had some specific divisions of labor/schedule in how to handle. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

This actually isn’t as strictly gendered as some suggest, and FYI my MIL is super successful in her field and made about ten times more money than FIL, who did most of the childcare when DH was a kid and continues to be the main person who grocery shops and cleans.

But I think EVERYONE should contribute and be helpful. I’m the same way when we have guests with kids, and honestly it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see often. But if they don’t want to interact much with our kids, at least they could do other host things to help us out.

I will NEVER be like them when my kids are grown and come visit. It’s no wonder we don’t visit ILs very often.

The fact that you think it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see that often is where the disconnect is. I love my kids but I can fully acknowledge that when they were under 5 entertaining them for more than about 20 minutes was not that fun for other people, and was no one’s responsibility but mine and DHs. And I only had 2 of them not 3. It’s not reasonable to expect other people to entertain your 3 very young children for long stretches.

If my parents or inlaws had this attitude about their grandchildren, we would have seen them a whole lot less.

What in the world? They are your kids, you decided to have them, ultimate responsibility lies with you. Why did you have kids? Were they to be a git to your parents and in-laws?

NP...Most people choose to have kids to expand their entire families, not just create a new, independent nuclear unit.

If my parents or in-laws shared your hostile views, I would not visit them over the holidays. It's not just about who is responsible for entertaining small children, it's about connecting to each other in meaningful ways. Also, I always strip the sheets and my husband would definitely help with the dishes.

I can guarantee most of the women who post here didn't give much thought to expanding their entire families when they decided to have kids. It's not an extended family decision. Can you imagine asking the posters here if they got input from their in-laws when they decided to have kids? You must be new here.

Wow, good burn! Sorry I'm not a jaded, bitter troll who sweeps this website looking to bash tired mothers.

What are you exactly? Because you aren't coming across as pleasant and nice. Maybe take a nap if you're so tired. I'm sure some grandparents or in-laws will gladly watch your kids for you.

What am I? I'm a mother who gets along with her parents and in-laws and I genuinely enjoy spending time with all of them. If they resented my kids or me, why would I stay with them? I'm not a taker. If my MIL is working on a puzzle with my son, I'll bring them cookies (and wine for my MIL). My father likes taking his grandkids on long walks to collect acorns and pinecones so my brother and I can catch up. If the grandparents are tired, we let them rest and we cook for them. No one is keeping score. And yes, if I want to take a nap, my sister-in-law would hand me earplugs (and vice versa).

Some of you twist my words to make it seem like I'm getting input to have kids from my parents. But that's reductive. When we had kids, we knew grandparents and aunts and uncles would be part of their lives.

Not wanting to watch young kids all day because it's hard, and because older people have less energy, is not resenting grandkids and doesn't mean they deserve to get cut off. They are not the parents, watching the kids is the parents' primary job. The least you can do is wash your dishes and take the sheets off the bed as a guest. But expecting the elderly hosts to watch the kids all day, cook all the meals, strip the beds, do the dishes, is a bit much. I don't visit my parents or in-laws expecting much help with the kids, if they do, it's a bonus, but it's not an expectation. And I'm certainly not going to stomp out of there because they don't have the energy of 30 year old parents, because they aren't. I'm not the one complaining here, but you seem to be aghast that other families work differently and threaten to "see them a whole lot less" if it worked any other way.

Since OP's ILS are not watching the kids all day OR stripping beds OR doing dishes OR cooking all the meals seems like you don't have much of an actual point.

DP. What? You make no sense. OP says she WANTS all-day babysitting and not to have to strip beds or do dishes. She’s frustrated that she’s not getting these things. THAT’s the point of the WHOLE THREAD.

No. The point is that she's doing it all while the ILs and husband sit around and talk politics. She would like some period of the day where she is off too. Like the inlaws. Like her husband. THAT is the point of her post. You and others have changed the topic to whole day and make muddied up the thread with the same.

Yes, pretty much this. OP probably wrote this in a fit of pique and may not have been clear as she could have been without the visit looming over the horizon.

I am quite fortunate as my ILs, especially my MIL, were quite helpful when our twins were newborns through early elementary (and much more self sufficient and trust worthy). First reason - DH's sister would not really allow her parents to have any unfettered access to her kids, so MIL was just chomping at the bit. Second reason - MIL knew she would not really get any time with DH (recreate their nuclear family) if I had to run around the whole time chasing kids (most of these visits were on a lake so drowning was a very near possibility). Our kids are fortunate that their dad/DH was very involved right from the start with all facets of care and MIL knew that he was not going to sit there and chat with her if they were in adouble tantrum, etc. And third reason - we hired sitters for some days/nights to have breaks for ourselves w/o expecting our ILs to watch them. Usually DH and I would do a few things during the one or two days we had someone and have a sitter for one night to go out with his parents.

So even if MIL was not as hands on, DH was and is and we were willing to hire sitters to give us breaks too. OP, even if your ILs are able-bodied, it doesn't sound like they want to be involved in this way their grandchildren. And sounds like your DH isn't splitting the load as much as he should, even if he is at this parents. Three under five is a lot and probably would be good if you two had some specific divisions of labor/schedule in how to handle. Good luck!

You’ve correctly identified DH as the issue. If OP wants a break, she shouldn’t be blaming the in-laws who are already cooking and cleaning for her. She should blame her DH and talk to him about doing more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

This actually isn’t as strictly gendered as some suggest, and FYI my MIL is super successful in her field and made about ten times more money than FIL, who did most of the childcare when DH was a kid and continues to be the main person who grocery shops and cleans.

But I think EVERYONE should contribute and be helpful. I’m the same way when we have guests with kids, and honestly it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see often. But if they don’t want to interact much with our kids, at least they could do other host things to help us out.

I will NEVER be like them when my kids are grown and come visit. It’s no wonder we don’t visit ILs very often.

The fact that you think it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see that often is where the disconnect is. I love my kids but I can fully acknowledge that when they were under 5 entertaining them for more than about 20 minutes was not that fun for other people, and was no one’s responsibility but mine and DHs. And I only had 2 of them not 3. It’s not reasonable to expect other people to entertain your 3 very young children for long stretches.

If my parents or inlaws had this attitude about their grandchildren, we would have seen them a whole lot less.

What in the world? They are your kids, you decided to have them, ultimate responsibility lies with you. Why did you have kids? Were they to be a git to your parents and in-laws?

NP...Most people choose to have kids to expand their entire families, not just create a new, independent nuclear unit.

If my parents or in-laws shared your hostile views, I would not visit them over the holidays. It's not just about who is responsible for entertaining small children, it's about connecting to each other in meaningful ways. Also, I always strip the sheets and my husband would definitely help with the dishes.

I can guarantee most of the women who post here didn't give much thought to expanding their entire families when they decided to have kids. It's not an extended family decision. Can you imagine asking the posters here if they got input from their in-laws when they decided to have kids? You must be new here.

Wow, good burn! Sorry I'm not a jaded, bitter troll who sweeps this website looking to bash tired mothers.

What are you exactly? Because you aren't coming across as pleasant and nice. Maybe take a nap if you're so tired. I'm sure some grandparents or in-laws will gladly watch your kids for you.

What am I? I'm a mother who gets along with her parents and in-laws and I genuinely enjoy spending time with all of them. If they resented my kids or me, why would I stay with them? I'm not a taker. If my MIL is working on a puzzle with my son, I'll bring them cookies (and wine for my MIL). My father likes taking his grandkids on long walks to collect acorns and pinecones so my brother and I can catch up. If the grandparents are tired, we let them rest and we cook for them. No one is keeping score. And yes, if I want to take a nap, my sister-in-law would hand me earplugs (and vice versa).

Some of you twist my words to make it seem like I'm getting input to have kids from my parents. But that's reductive. When we had kids, we knew grandparents and aunts and uncles would be part of their lives.

It’s great your dad likes to take the kids hunting for pine cones. Does he do this all day? I didn’t think so. Does grandma do puzzles all day? Probably not. Yet this is OP’s expectation. That’s the problem.

When did OP say anything like that? OP says ILs don't even want to read books with the kids.

OP is complaining about having to load the dishwasher and strip the bed. And she feels like a “freaking nanny” taking care of her own kids.

Yeah I'm not super interested in loading the dishwasher and watching my kid in someone else's house while they kick back and discuss politics. I can stay home and handle it more safely in my own home.

In what world is this the in-laws’ fault, instead of DH’s? In-laws are already providing OP and her family of five with three meals a day, giving OP a huge a huge break on the shopping and food fronts. But that’s apparently nowhere near enough.

But sure, instead of expecting DH to pull his weight, go ahead and jump on the in-laws. And we know you mean MIL, who should be reading books to Larlo while she’s cooking for you and your family. Refuse to visit them. That’ll show them.

This. OP wants the other woman in the family, her MIL, to do the work her husband should be doing.

Op, the problem is your husband. Talk to him about needing and wanting more help when you are there with the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, you lost me when “they want me to do a ton” turned out to be loading the dishwasher and stripping the bed. And when you singled out your MIL for not reading to your kids, but let your FIL and most especially your DH off the hook.

[Anonymous]

What’s this whole they are cooking “for her”? They are hosting, yes? Or is the expectation that when adult children visit able bodied parents they - the children - need to cook and clean etc? I am very confused. I am not saying the grown children shouldn’t cook or clean or offer to pick up takeout/go to dinner (bc really who wants to cook in someone else’s kitchen).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s this whole they are cooking “for her”? They are hosting, yes? Or is the expectation that when adult children visit able bodied parents they - the children - need to cook and clean etc? I am very confused. I am not saying the grown children shouldn’t cook or clean or offer to pick up takeout/go to dinner (bc really who wants to cook in someone else’s kitchen).

I'm not sure I follow your confusing post. Are you saying 2 elderly people make enough food for 7 on a daily basis and just happen to be setting a few extra plates out during this visit since they aren't cooking "for" anyone as if it's not any extra work? How is everyone getting fed during this visit? It sounds like at the very least OP is being asked to put her dishes in the dishwasher which is not a very big ask. It sounds like the ILs have prepared their home, are feeding their guests, talking to them, and otherwise being good hosts. They just aren't doing all the "nannying" on top of all the other chores hosting involves.

[Anonymous]

But wouldn’t you say ILs are acting entitled too? They are entitled to have a family with three young kids come visit? And I am
Sure demand they stay with them? So you can’t demand someone come and visit you and not provide food or a place to sleep.
But alas def a DH problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s this whole they are cooking “for her”? They are hosting, yes? Or is the expectation that when adult children visit able bodied parents they - the children - need to cook and clean etc? I am very confused. I am not saying the grown children shouldn’t cook or clean or offer to pick up takeout/go to dinner (bc really who wants to cook in someone else’s kitchen).

Grandparents are putting on three meals a day for 7 people for a week. That's assuredly more shopping and cooking than they're used to. So yes, they're "cooking for OP and her family." OP seems to take it for granted and thinks it's not enough because they should be babysitting her three kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s this whole they are cooking “for her”? They are hosting, yes? Or is the expectation that when adult children visit able bodied parents they - the children - need to cook and clean etc? I am very confused. I am not saying the grown children shouldn’t cook or clean or offer to pick up takeout/go to dinner (bc really who wants to cook in someone else’s kitchen).

I'm not sure I follow your confusing post. Are you saying 2 elderly people make enough food for 7 on a daily basis and just happen to be setting a few extra plates out during this visit since they aren't cooking "for" anyone as if it's not any extra work? How is everyone getting fed during this visit? It sounds like at the very least OP is being asked to put her dishes in the dishwasher which is not a very big ask. It sounds like the ILs have prepared their home, are feeding their guests, talking to them, and otherwise being good hosts. They just aren't doing all the "nannying" on top of all the other chores hosting involves.

I am the PP you are replying to. I guess my point is - the ILs invited this family of five over. That means they cook and clean or if not cook they provide takeout or if they can’t then they tell the kids to bring stuff. If they don’t want to provide the food etc then why host in the first place? And spending time with young kids is important because if they only want to see their adult child then don’t make it a family visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But wouldn’t you say ILs are acting entitled too? They are entitled to have a family with three young kids come visit? And I am
Sure demand they stay with them? So you can’t demand someone come and visit you and not provide food or a place to sleep.
But alas def a DH problem.

You have no idea who demanded this visit. Maybe OP invited her family and refused to stay in a motel. We just don't know. It's silly to speculate.

How are IL acting entitled if they're cooking for seven people three times a day, and otherwise getting their house ready and making everybody comfortable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s this whole they are cooking “for her”? They are hosting, yes? Or is the expectation that when adult children visit able bodied parents they - the children - need to cook and clean etc? I am very confused. I am not saying the grown children shouldn’t cook or clean or offer to pick up takeout/go to dinner (bc really who wants to cook in someone else’s kitchen).

I'm not sure I follow your confusing post. Are you saying 2 elderly people make enough food for 7 on a daily basis and just happen to be setting a few extra plates out during this visit since they aren't cooking "for" anyone as if it's not any extra work? How is everyone getting fed during this visit? It sounds like at the very least OP is being asked to put her dishes in the dishwasher which is not a very big ask. It sounds like the ILs have prepared their home, are feeding their guests, talking to them, and otherwise being good hosts. They just aren't doing all the "nannying" on top of all the other chores hosting involves.

I am the PP you are replying to. I guess my point is - the ILs invited this family of five over. That means they cook and clean or if not cook they provide takeout or if they can’t then they tell the kids to bring stuff. If they don’t want to provide the food etc then why host in the first place? And spending time with young kids is important because if they only want to see their adult child then don’t make it a family visit.

You have no idea if this is true. OP wrote, "We are visiting ILs out of state with our three young kids (youngest is 2)."

Also, ILs ARE providing the food. OP's beef is that she (without DH) needs to load the dishwasher afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s this whole they are cooking “for her”? They are hosting, yes? Or is the expectation that when adult children visit able bodied parents they - the children - need to cook and clean etc? I am very confused. I am not saying the grown children shouldn’t cook or clean or offer to pick up takeout/go to dinner (bc really who wants to cook in someone else’s kitchen).

I'm not sure I follow your confusing post. Are you saying 2 elderly people make enough food for 7 on a daily basis and just happen to be setting a few extra plates out during this visit since they aren't cooking "for" anyone as if it's not any extra work? How is everyone getting fed during this visit? It sounds like at the very least OP is being asked to put her dishes in the dishwasher which is not a very big ask. It sounds like the ILs have prepared their home, are feeding their guests, talking to them, and otherwise being good hosts. They just aren't doing all the "nannying" on top of all the other chores hosting involves.

I am the PP you are replying to. I guess my point is - the ILs invited this family of five over. That means they cook and clean or if not cook they provide takeout or if they can’t then they tell the kids to bring stuff. If they don’t want to provide the food etc then why host in the first place? And spending time with young kids is important because if they only want to see their adult child then don’t make it a family visit.

The ILs aren't complaining about the meals. OP is complaining that they aren't doing even more by watching 3 small kids on top of what they are already doing. OP doesn't want any chores thinks the hosts need to be doing everything. Meanwhile the DH is doing..... nothing.