Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young parents have this notion that everybody owes them the world, especially grandparents, simply because they provided grandchildren. We might have been that way, but we quickly got over it. Now we role her eyes at SIL who still has this notion. Elderly people can’t provide hotel accommodations plus free babysitting.

Washing the dishes (20 mins to load the dishwasher and scrub a few pans?) and stripping the bed (5 mins?) aren’t unreasonable, especially if OP and DH share the jobs.

That’s fine as long as grandparents don’t ask for a visit. Ever. I mean what are they thinking even dreaming of asking for a visit when they can’t host kids?

Because you’re the parents and your job is to take care of your own kids. The entitlement here is stunning.

It’s also my job to host people I invite, and I do. And I don’t accuse my guests of being entitled!

[Anonymous]

I’m a MIL to my son and DIL who just had a baby.

This recently happened, in reverse. Of course when my kids or grandkids visit everything is done. That’s what mothers do. It is pure joy.

But….now that one of my kids (my son) has a child, well, you know, things change. I went to visit them (they’re not local) and ADORED loving on my beautiful new granddaughter. I neglected to see they were exhausted and overwhelmed. I did not pay attention to dishes in the sink, loads to be folded and don’t think I changed one diaper. My heart was bursting with love and pride for this beautiful family.

So my son (new Dad) took me aside and talked to me. That’s what adults do. He told me, “ya know Mah, we could use some help”. Mind you I had offered to help so they could go out and help in ways that I saw would be helpful. He did tell me I was annoying LOL. This happens to work in our family culture.

My point…..have your husband take care of it. Be honest. Use language that works with his family culture. I don’t think I am unusual when I say….I was proud of my son. He was watching out for his family. If his parents can’t suspend their ego….have him ask them to suspend their ego and work with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young parents have this notion that everybody owes them the world, especially grandparents, simply because they provided grandchildren. We might have been that way, but we quickly got over it. Now we role her eyes at SIL who still has this notion. Elderly people can’t provide hotel accommodations plus free babysitting.

Washing the dishes (20 mins to load the dishwasher and scrub a few pans?) and stripping the bed (5 mins?) aren’t unreasonable, especially if OP and DH share the jobs.

That’s fine as long as grandparents don’t ask for a visit. Ever. I mean what are they thinking even dreaming of asking for a visit when they can’t host kids?

Because you’re the parents and your job is to take care of your own kids. The entitlement here is stunning.

It’s also my job to host people I invite, and I do. And I don’t accuse my guests of being entitled!

For you, “host” also apparently includes running around after your kids so you can relax. Got it. But that’s not everybody’s definition and it’s a big (entitled) ask for older people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young parents have this notion that everybody owes them the world, especially grandparents, simply because they provided grandchildren. We might have been that way, but we quickly got over it. Now we role her eyes at SIL who still has this notion. Elderly people can’t provide hotel accommodations plus free babysitting.

Washing the dishes (20 mins to load the dishwasher and scrub a few pans?) and stripping the bed (5 mins?) aren’t unreasonable, especially if OP and DH share the jobs.

That’s fine as long as grandparents don’t ask for a visit. Ever. I mean what are they thinking even dreaming of asking for a visit when they can’t host kids?

Because you’re the parents and your job is to take care of your own kids. The entitlement here is stunning.

DP. Your hostility toward parents with young kids is stunning.

Really, when you have toddlers it's just hard to travel to someone's house. If it were a hotel at least you don't have to cook and clean. But at ILs' place you cannot relax for one moment, and it's not your home environment so entertaining the kids is more complicated and harder.

What parents of young kids willingly schlep everything and travel to their ILs during the crazy holiday season? They go b/c the grandparents expect it. Then the grandparents do not lift a finger to help with kids, and wonder why the parents want to visit less.

So much for taking a village.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd visit less. This is why we visit less. It's just a hard season of life. I'm barely hanging on by a string, I don't need to go to a small house and try to recreate our current set up there, drag clothes, pack n plays and such and hope the kids are able to sleep well. It's HARD. I agree that ILs should help. When you invite kids, you expect to be able to help because you know it's very, very difficult on parents to travel.

You have to get out of the house and find things to do. Find the local museums, parks, play grounds, trampoline parks, whatever. You can't recreate the home set up but you can burn your kids out finding things to do then come back, they will maybe nap or play quietly and you can relax a bit. Sitting around the house all day is a recipe for disaster. Maybe if you find something a short drive away the kids will take a nap in the car as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young parents have this notion that everybody owes them the world, especially grandparents, simply because they provided grandchildren. We might have been that way, but we quickly got over it. Now we role her eyes at SIL who still has this notion. Elderly people can’t provide hotel accommodations plus free babysitting.

Washing the dishes (20 mins to load the dishwasher and scrub a few pans?) and stripping the bed (5 mins?) aren’t unreasonable, especially if OP and DH share the jobs.

That’s fine as long as grandparents don’t ask for a visit. Ever. I mean what are they thinking even dreaming of asking for a visit when they can’t host kids?

Because you’re the parents and your job is to take care of your own kids. The entitlement here is stunning.

DP. Your hostility toward parents with young kids is stunning.

Really, when you have toddlers it's just hard to travel to someone's house. If it were a hotel at least you don't have to cook and clean. But at ILs' place you cannot relax for one moment, and it's not your home environment so entertaining the kids is more complicated and harder.

What parents of young kids willingly schlep everything and travel to their ILs during the crazy holiday season? They go b/c the grandparents expect it. Then the grandparents do not lift a finger to help with kids, and wonder why the parents want to visit less.

So much for taking a village.

We HAD young kids. We schlepped them to both sets of grandparents every major holiday. We went to be with the grandparents, not because they “expected” it. The grandparents always provided meals and cleaned up, much like OP’s parents apparently do. We never expected anybody else to watch our small kids while we sat around reading novels and drinking wine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

This actually isn’t as strictly gendered as some suggest, and FYI my MIL is super successful in her field and made about ten times more money than FIL, who did most of the childcare when DH was a kid and continues to be the main person who grocery shops and cleans.

But I think EVERYONE should contribute and be helpful. I’m the same way when we have guests with kids, and honestly it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see often. But if they don’t want to interact much with our kids, at least they could do other host things to help us out.

I will NEVER be like them when my kids are grown and come visit. It’s no wonder we don’t visit ILs very often.

The fact that you think it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see that often is where the disconnect is. I love my kids but I can fully acknowledge that when they were under 5 entertaining them for more than about 20 minutes was not that fun for other people, and was no one’s responsibility but mine and DHs. And I only had 2 of them not 3. It’s not reasonable to expect other people to entertain your 3 very young children for long stretches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young parents have this notion that everybody owes them the world, especially grandparents, simply because they provided grandchildren. We might have been that way, but we quickly got over it. Now we role her eyes at SIL who still has this notion. Elderly people can’t provide hotel accommodations plus free babysitting.

Washing the dishes (20 mins to load the dishwasher and scrub a few pans?) and stripping the bed (5 mins?) aren’t unreasonable, especially if OP and DH share the jobs.

That’s fine as long as grandparents don’t ask for a visit. Ever. I mean what are they thinking even dreaming of asking for a visit when they can’t host kids?

Because you’re the parents and your job is to take care of your own kids. The entitlement here is stunning.

DP. Your hostility toward parents with young kids is stunning.

Really, when you have toddlers it's just hard to travel to someone's house. If it were a hotel at least you don't have to cook and clean. But at ILs' place you cannot relax for one moment, and it's not your home environment so entertaining the kids is more complicated and harder.

What parents of young kids willingly schlep everything and travel to their ILs during the crazy holiday season? They go b/c the grandparents expect it. Then the grandparents do not lift a finger to help with kids, and wonder why the parents want to visit less.

So much for taking a village.

We HAD young kids. We schlepped them to both sets of grandparents every major holiday. We went to be with the grandparents, not because they “expected” it. The grandparents always provided meals and cleaned up, much like OP’s parents apparently do. We never expected anybody else to watch our small kids while we sat around reading novels and drinking wine.

Glad you enjoyed that but to me it sounds miserable. I definitely wouldn't expect my children to do that when they have young kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They expect you to take care of your own kids, wash your own dishes, and strips your own beds? How in the world is that “expecting you to do a ton”? You expect them to be your nanny and dishwasher when you visit? They’re old.

The person you should be mad at is your husband who is not sharing the load of being a parent.

+ 1.

Also, stay in a motel.

[Anonymous]

Maybe ask your in-laws to find a local teenager to babysit.

My in-laws used to offer free babysitting for 1-2 evenings so DH and I could go out. But here’s the catch: they hired a local local woman to help out for the evening. MIL was ecstatic about watching the kids and it really sounded like she spent every minute of their baths sitting on the toilet watching. But, she wasn’t able to do this by herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem. Helping with dishes and stripping the bed aren't big asks. Your problem is that your spouse is fine letting you do all kid wrangling.

This. DH and I, prioritized our kids. When we were in relatives home when there were no helping hands, both of us took care of our kids, even if it meant that we both left the table and we both did not sit for the adult conversations about theatre and politics etc. It My ILs were not the helpful kinds with the kids. It was not in their DNA. Did not mean that they were bad or anything like that. They liked their grandkids and me, just fine. It just is that they did not remember what kids needed. Maybe parenting was more hands off in their times.

Also, OP, DH and I are the kind of people that will not only wash our sheets, but also ILs sheets before we leave. Maybe even run the vacuum. Because we have seen relatives turn into hoarders or live in filthy conditions. Which resulted in massive issues in home maintainence, financial losses and health issues. As much as it bugs you to do work for them as "good guests", see it as an investment in keeping them self-sufficient and independent in their own home so that you are not looking after them permanently. Delay your eldercare for as long as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

This actually isn’t as strictly gendered as some suggest, and FYI my MIL is super successful in her field and made about ten times more money than FIL, who did most of the childcare when DH was a kid and continues to be the main person who grocery shops and cleans.

But I think EVERYONE should contribute and be helpful. I’m the same way when we have guests with kids, and honestly it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see often. But if they don’t want to interact much with our kids, at least they could do other host things to help us out.

I will NEVER be like them when my kids are grown and come visit. It’s no wonder we don’t visit ILs very often.

The fact that you think it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see that often is where the disconnect is. I love my kids but I can fully acknowledge that when they were under 5 entertaining them for more than about 20 minutes was not that fun for other people, and was no one’s responsibility but mine and DHs. And I only had 2 of them not 3. It’s not reasonable to expect other people to entertain your 3 very young children for long stretches.

If my parents or inlaws had this attitude about their grandchildren, we would have seen them a whole lot less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young parents have this notion that everybody owes them the world, especially grandparents, simply because they provided grandchildren. We might have been that way, but we quickly got over it. Now we role her eyes at SIL who still has this notion. Elderly people can’t provide hotel accommodations plus free babysitting.

Washing the dishes (20 mins to load the dishwasher and scrub a few pans?) and stripping the bed (5 mins?) aren’t unreasonable, especially if OP and DH share the jobs.

That’s fine as long as grandparents don’t ask for a visit. Ever. I mean what are they thinking even dreaming of asking for a visit when they can’t host kids?

Because you’re the parents and your job is to take care of your own kids. The entitlement here is stunning.

DP. Your hostility toward parents with young kids is stunning.

Really, when you have toddlers it's just hard to travel to someone's house. If it were a hotel at least you don't have to cook and clean. But at ILs' place you cannot relax for one moment, and it's not your home environment so entertaining the kids is more complicated and harder.

What parents of young kids willingly schlep everything and travel to their ILs during the crazy holiday season? They go b/c the grandparents expect it. Then the grandparents do not lift a finger to help with kids, and wonder why the parents want to visit less.

So much for taking a village.

We HAD young kids. We schlepped them to both sets of grandparents every major holiday. We went to be with the grandparents, not because they “expected” it. The grandparents always provided meals and cleaned up, much like OP’s parents apparently do. We never expected anybody else to watch our small kids while we sat around reading novels and drinking wine.

Glad you enjoyed that but to me it sounds miserable. I definitely wouldn't expect my children to do that when they have young kids.

Come back and post in 30 years when your kid and spouse demand you babysit their spoilt, unruly kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why so many are commenting about "elderly people" unless I missed something- Not OP but my ILs are in their 50s and can't be bothered.
Even if they were 65, if they aren't in decent enough shape to read a book with a kid I don't think they should be hosting multiple young kids.

I don't mean to be harsh at all, but I think they're just not that into kids. That's the only thing I can think of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young parents have this notion that everybody owes them the world, especially grandparents, simply because they provided grandchildren. We might have been that way, but we quickly got over it. Now we role her eyes at SIL who still has this notion. Elderly people can’t provide hotel accommodations plus free babysitting.

Washing the dishes (20 mins to load the dishwasher and scrub a few pans?) and stripping the bed (5 mins?) aren’t unreasonable, especially if OP and DH share the jobs.

That’s fine as long as grandparents don’t ask for a visit. Ever. I mean what are they thinking even dreaming of asking for a visit when they can’t host kids?

Because you’re the parents and your job is to take care of your own kids. The entitlement here is stunning.

DP. Your hostility toward parents with young kids is stunning.

Really, when you have toddlers it's just hard to travel to someone's house. If it were a hotel at least you don't have to cook and clean. But at ILs' place you cannot relax for one moment, and it's not your home environment so entertaining the kids is more complicated and harder.

What parents of young kids willingly schlep everything and travel to their ILs during the crazy holiday season? They go b/c the grandparents expect it. Then the grandparents do not lift a finger to help with kids, and wonder why the parents want to visit less.

So much for taking a village.

We HAD young kids. We schlepped them to both sets of grandparents every major holiday. We went to be with the grandparents, not because they “expected” it. The grandparents always provided meals and cleaned up, much like OP’s parents apparently do. We never expected anybody else to watch our small kids while we sat around reading novels and drinking wine.

Glad you enjoyed that but to me it sounds miserable. I definitely wouldn't expect my children to do that when they have young kids.

Come back and post in 30 years when your kid and spouse demand you babysit their spoilt, unruly kids.

You sound like a peach. Even more reason not to demand visits with "spoilt, unruly kids" running around, right?