Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s this whole they are cooking “for her”? They are hosting, yes? Or is the expectation that when adult children visit able bodied parents they - the children - need to cook and clean etc? I am very confused. I am not saying the grown children shouldn’t cook or clean or offer to pick up takeout/go to dinner (bc really who wants to cook in someone else’s kitchen).

I'm not sure I follow your confusing post. Are you saying 2 elderly people make enough food for 7 on a daily basis and just happen to be setting a few extra plates out during this visit since they aren't cooking "for" anyone as if it's not any extra work? How is everyone getting fed during this visit? It sounds like at the very least OP is being asked to put her dishes in the dishwasher which is not a very big ask. It sounds like the ILs have prepared their home, are feeding their guests, talking to them, and otherwise being good hosts. They just aren't doing all the "nannying" on top of all the other chores hosting involves.

I am the PP you are replying to. I guess my point is - the ILs invited this family of five over. That means they cook and clean or if not cook they provide takeout or if they can’t then they tell the kids to bring stuff. If they don’t want to provide the food etc then why host in the first place? And spending time with young kids is important because if they only want to see their adult child then don’t make it a family visit.

You have no idea if this is true. OP wrote, "We are visiting ILs out of state with our three young kids (youngest is 2)."

Also, ILs ARE providing the food. OP's beef is that she (without DH) needs to load the dishwasher afterwards.

I don't see where this is stated. When we visit my ILs we get the take out but still eat it on their plates and load their dishwasher. Virtually no work at all for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s this whole they are cooking “for her”? They are hosting, yes? Or is the expectation that when adult children visit able bodied parents they - the children - need to cook and clean etc? I am very confused. I am not saying the grown children shouldn’t cook or clean or offer to pick up takeout/go to dinner (bc really who wants to cook in someone else’s kitchen).

I'm not sure I follow your confusing post. Are you saying 2 elderly people make enough food for 7 on a daily basis and just happen to be setting a few extra plates out during this visit since they aren't cooking "for" anyone as if it's not any extra work? How is everyone getting fed during this visit? It sounds like at the very least OP is being asked to put her dishes in the dishwasher which is not a very big ask. It sounds like the ILs have prepared their home, are feeding their guests, talking to them, and otherwise being good hosts. They just aren't doing all the "nannying" on top of all the other chores hosting involves.

I am the PP you are replying to. I guess my point is - the ILs invited this family of five over. That means they cook and clean or if not cook they provide takeout or if they can’t then they tell the kids to bring stuff. If they don’t want to provide the food etc then why host in the first place? And spending time with young kids is important because if they only want to see their adult child then don’t make it a family visit.

The ILs aren't complaining about the meals. OP is complaining that they aren't doing even more by watching 3 small kids on top of what they are already doing. OP doesn't want any chores thinks the hosts need to be doing everything. Meanwhile the DH is doing..... nothing.

Yep. MIL should be watching the kids while she cooks three meals for seven people every day and then does all the dishwashing and cleanup. So OP can enjoy the same chore-free vacation her DH is enjoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s this whole they are cooking “for her”? They are hosting, yes? Or is the expectation that when adult children visit able bodied parents they - the children - need to cook and clean etc? I am very confused. I am not saying the grown children shouldn’t cook or clean or offer to pick up takeout/go to dinner (bc really who wants to cook in someone else’s kitchen).

I'm not sure I follow your confusing post. Are you saying 2 elderly people make enough food for 7 on a daily basis and just happen to be setting a few extra plates out during this visit since they aren't cooking "for" anyone as if it's not any extra work? How is everyone getting fed during this visit? It sounds like at the very least OP is being asked to put her dishes in the dishwasher which is not a very big ask. It sounds like the ILs have prepared their home, are feeding their guests, talking to them, and otherwise being good hosts. They just aren't doing all the "nannying" on top of all the other chores hosting involves.

I am the PP you are replying to. I guess my point is - the ILs invited this family of five over. That means they cook and clean or if not cook they provide takeout or if they can’t then they tell the kids to bring stuff. If they don’t want to provide the food etc then why host in the first place? And spending time with young kids is important because if they only want to see their adult child then don’t make it a family visit.

You have no idea if this is true. OP wrote, "We are visiting ILs out of state with our three young kids (youngest is 2)."

Also, ILs ARE providing the food. OP's beef is that she (without DH) needs to load the dishwasher afterwards.

I don't see where this is stated. When we visit my ILs we get the take out but still eat it on their plates and load their dishwasher. Virtually no work at all for them.

It's implied--if there are dishes to be washed, then everybody ate. OP doesn't complain about having to cook or pay for take-out.

[Anonymous]

This was my exact scenario for a few years.
Then my father got sick and I simply told DH that if having the kids spend time with his parents was important, then he's welcome to take them to visit. I will use that time to tend to my father. His parents still expected the children to visit them so DH dutifully took them by himself but boy did he resent me for not accompanying and making it easier for all of them. The same way I resented him for making me the babysitter for his family before all this.
My father's illness and eventual passing gave me a lot of clarity.
Anywhoos, we are divorced now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem. Helping with dishes and stripping the bed aren't big asks. Your problem is that your spouse is fine letting you do all kid wrangling.

Agree with this. Your H is not carrying his weight.

FWIW, my ILs are like yours. On top of it all, their house is full of glass trinkets within easy reach. It's very stressful. I do not help with household chores b/c I'm exhausted from watching and entertaining the kids non stop.

Glass trinkets everywhere and refusing to put them up/away is serious issue. I'm with you PP.

DP but this part resonates so much! So much stuff and so much of it delicate. It's everywhere at my ILs and my parents too.

[Anonymous]

OP again.

This thread took on a life of its own!

To the PP who thinks I’m asking for all day babysitting on top of the hosting ILs do: I’m neither asking for babysitting nor are my ILs doing any of the traditional hosting duties. They provide dinner - and we are expected to sit for a long period of adult conversation while our kids sit quietly, which they can’t do for more than 20 min max - and we are on our own for other meals.

Nothing was cleaned before our arrival. Nor were the beds made, nor were there towels in the bathroom - DH dug through and found some sheets and made the beds. Nothing was cleaned up, and their house is covered in not just trinkets but MILs medication, which apparently needs to be spread about the house in non child safe pill boxes. It requires constant monitoring just to keep my 2 year old safe.

But hard to do that monitoring when I also have to prep breakfast / lunch and do dishes for the 5 of us in a kitchen that isn’t mine.

And the icing on the cake is that despite not fulfilling traditional hosting duties by providing us a clean / decently safe house and perhaps planning more than one meal a day, we are expected to entertain THEM.

Perhaps what DH should have done is not tried to entertain them under these conditions. We could have made it obvious that we have no time to sit and chat when we are in their house with 3 kids and no assistance. But if they wanted us to have the space to sit and talk to them like grown ups, they should have done more to be helpful.

And PS - we left early!

Thanks to those who can commiserate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

This thread took on a life of its own!

To the PP who thinks I’m asking for all day babysitting on top of the hosting ILs do: I’m neither asking for babysitting nor are my ILs doing any of the traditional hosting duties. They provide dinner - and we are expected to sit for a long period of adult conversation while our kids sit quietly, which they can’t do for more than 20 min max - and we are on our own for other meals.

Nothing was cleaned before our arrival. Nor were the beds made, nor were there towels in the bathroom - DH dug through and found some sheets and made the beds. Nothing was cleaned up, and their house is covered in not just trinkets but MILs medication, which apparently needs to be spread about the house in non child safe pill boxes. It requires constant monitoring just to keep my 2 year old safe.

But hard to do that monitoring when I also have to prep breakfast / lunch and do dishes for the 5 of us in a kitchen that isn’t mine.

And the icing on the cake is that despite not fulfilling traditional hosting duties by providing us a clean / decently safe house and perhaps planning more than one meal a day, we are expected to entertain THEM.

Perhaps what DH should have done is not tried to entertain them under these conditions. We could have made it obvious that we have no time to sit and chat when we are in their house with 3 kids and no assistance. But if they wanted us to have the space to sit and talk to them like grown ups, they should have done more to be helpful.

And PS - we left early!

Thanks to those who can commiserate.

Thank you!!!! Someone who took matters into their own hands and actually left early!!!

That just sounds miserable. Next time they guilt you about visiting, tell them the truth about why you can’t.

[Anonymous]

That leaving medication around is real! My mother in law is always dropping her pills all over the place. We have to do thorough checks after she comes to visit us. But she won’t be as much anymore. Her dementia is progressing to the point she just can’t handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

This thread took on a life of its own!

To the PP who thinks I’m asking for all day babysitting on top of the hosting ILs do: I’m neither asking for babysitting nor are my ILs doing any of the traditional hosting duties. They provide dinner - and we are expected to sit for a long period of adult conversation while our kids sit quietly, which they can’t do for more than 20 min max - and we are on our own for other meals.

Nothing was cleaned before our arrival. Nor were the beds made, nor were there towels in the bathroom - DH dug through and found some sheets and made the beds. Nothing was cleaned up, and their house is covered in not just trinkets but MILs medication, which apparently needs to be spread about the house in non child safe pill boxes. It requires constant monitoring just to keep my 2 year old safe.

But hard to do that monitoring when I also have to prep breakfast / lunch and do dishes for the 5 of us in a kitchen that isn’t mine.

And the icing on the cake is that despite not fulfilling traditional hosting duties by providing us a clean / decently safe house and perhaps planning more than one meal a day, we are expected to entertain THEM.

Perhaps what DH should have done is not tried to entertain them under these conditions. We could have made it obvious that we have no time to sit and chat when we are in their house with 3 kids and no assistance. But if they wanted us to have the space to sit and talk to them like grown ups, they should have done more to be helpful.

And PS - we left early!

Thanks to those who can commiserate.

Does someone else normally take care of your kids all day? Because this is what "vacation" is with 3 kids. All the stuff you normally do, just somewhere else. Making meals, doing the dishes, watching the kids. Doesn't matter where you are, your home or someone else's. But you seem to be really resenting the fact that someone else isn't dealing with the kids and this is all foreign to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

This thread took on a life of its own!

To the PP who thinks I’m asking for all day babysitting on top of the hosting ILs do: I’m neither asking for babysitting nor are my ILs doing any of the traditional hosting duties. They provide dinner - and we are expected to sit for a long period of adult conversation while our kids sit quietly, which they can’t do for more than 20 min max - and we are on our own for other meals.

Nothing was cleaned before our arrival. Nor were the beds made, nor were there towels in the bathroom - DH dug through and found some sheets and made the beds. Nothing was cleaned up, and their house is covered in not just trinkets but MILs medication, which apparently needs to be spread about the house in non child safe pill boxes. It requires constant monitoring just to keep my 2 year old safe.

But hard to do that monitoring when I also have to prep breakfast / lunch and do dishes for the 5 of us in a kitchen that isn’t mine.

And the icing on the cake is that despite not fulfilling traditional hosting duties by providing us a clean / decently safe house and perhaps planning more than one meal a day, we are expected to entertain THEM.

Perhaps what DH should have done is not tried to entertain them under these conditions. We could have made it obvious that we have no time to sit and chat when we are in their house with 3 kids and no assistance. But if they wanted us to have the space to sit and talk to them like grown ups, they should have done more to be helpful.

And PS - we left early!

Thanks to those who can commiserate.

Does someone else normally take care of your kids all day? Because this is what "vacation" is with 3 kids. All the stuff you normally do, just somewhere else. Making meals, doing the dishes, watching the kids. Doesn't matter where you are, your home or someone else's. But you seem to be really resenting the fact that someone else isn't dealing with the kids and this is all foreign to you.

Keep up, she made it pretty clear that the issue is watching her kids in an unsafe house while being expected to entertain her inlaws. It appears you don't know (or remember) the hassle of watching a toddler in a home that is not your own, particularly one with pills floating around. Be happy about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

This thread took on a life of its own!

To the PP who thinks I’m asking for all day babysitting on top of the hosting ILs do: I’m neither asking for babysitting nor are my ILs doing any of the traditional hosting duties. They provide dinner - and we are expected to sit for a long period of adult conversation while our kids sit quietly, which they can’t do for more than 20 min max - and we are on our own for other meals.

Nothing was cleaned before our arrival. Nor were the beds made, nor were there towels in the bathroom - DH dug through and found some sheets and made the beds. Nothing was cleaned up, and their house is covered in not just trinkets but MILs medication, which apparently needs to be spread about the house in non child safe pill boxes. It requires constant monitoring just to keep my 2 year old safe.

But hard to do that monitoring when I also have to prep breakfast / lunch and do dishes for the 5 of us in a kitchen that isn’t mine.

And the icing on the cake is that despite not fulfilling traditional hosting duties by providing us a clean / decently safe house and perhaps planning more than one meal a day, we are expected to entertain THEM.

Perhaps what DH should have done is not tried to entertain them under these conditions. We could have made it obvious that we have no time to sit and chat when we are in their house with 3 kids and no assistance. But if they wanted us to have the space to sit and talk to them like grown ups, they should have done more to be helpful.

And PS - we left early!

Thanks to those who can commiserate.

Does someone else normally take care of your kids all day? Because this is what "vacation" is with 3 kids. All the stuff you normally do, just somewhere else. Making meals, doing the dishes, watching the kids. Doesn't matter where you are, your home or someone else's. But you seem to be really resenting the fact that someone else isn't dealing with the kids and this is all foreign to you.

Keep up, she made it pretty clear that the issue is watching her kids in an unsafe house while being expected to entertain her inlaws. It appears you don't know (or remember) the hassle of watching a toddler in a home that is not your own, particularly one with pills floating around. Be happy about that.

It appears you know nothing about taking care of 3 kids. OP doesn't have to entertain anyone. She wants to sit and chat, she doesn't want to watch her kids. And neither does her husband so they bailed. When you call it nannying when you watch your own kids its pretty clear this isn't something OP is used to doing. I hope she gives her real nanny a big raise now that she realizes how hard the job actually is.

[Anonymous]

All you people complaining about the meds, including OP—has it occurred to you that MIL is ILL and that’s why she’s not subbing for OP’s regular nanny?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’m actually a SAHM, but funny that this thread turned into criticizing me for not knowing how to take care of my own kids while doing household chores! I felt like a nanny to be caring for the kids and doing chores *while all the other adults ignored us and continued with their conversations*.

And as several PPs have grasped, the issue is taking care of my kids *in an extremely unsafe space that is not my own* and also *being expected to have sophisticated conversation with the ILs at the same time.*

Now I’m back at home taking care of my kids all by myself… but in my own space and not while someone is annoyed I’m not engaging in adult conversation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All you people complaining about the meds, including OP—has it occurred to you that MIL is ILL and that’s why she’s not subbing for OP’s regular nanny?

If she's actually that ill, perhaps it should have been raised? Perhaps she really was not in a position to host?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m actually a SAHM, but funny that this thread turned into criticizing me for not knowing how to take care of my own kids while doing household chores! I felt like a nanny to be caring for the kids and doing chores *while all the other adults ignored us and continued with their conversations*.

And as several PPs have grasped, the issue is taking care of my kids *in an extremely unsafe space that is not my own* and also *being expected to have sophisticated conversation with the ILs at the same time.*

Now I’m back at home taking care of my kids all by myself… but in my own space and not while someone is annoyed I’m not engaging in adult conversation!

This doesn’t make sense. You complain everybody is ignoring you, but at the same time you complain they expect you to have “sophisticated conversations.”

Move the meds. Unless this is a drug den, that won’t take long and you won’t have to worry about “extremely unsafe.” Surely MIL remembers that 2-year-olds can’t be around her heart meds.

Honestly it sounds like you just don’t like them. Between “omg I have to strip the beds when we leave” and “extreme unsafety” related to some easily moveable meds, it sound like you’re looking to criticize.

Anyway. Did your DH step up and wash a dish or strip the bed? That’s the whole issue here, whichever of your two complaints is important to you. If he had stepped up you wouldn’t have had to leave early.