Question for the smart girls who snag the good guys early in life

[Anonymous]

I played tennis for UVA and also studied finance there.  I didn't date anyone in HS or college because I just didn't have time and I was very shy and an extrovert.  I consider myself good looking with a good personality.  Once I started working in corporate finance, a lot of women in their late 20's and early 30's wanted to get into my paint.  I finally met my wife, who is a neurosurgeon, at a local tennis tournament. 

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In reference to the other thread where it was concluded that the good guys with the potential to make good money are always paired up very early in life- in college or before. This makes me feel major FOMO because in high school and college, I had 0 idea what a “marriage material” guy was and how to identify them. But I had a roomate, I recall, who had been dating her engineer bf since hs. They were monogamous throughout college and he went to an Ivy League across the country. They already had it all mapped out. What jobs they were going to do; how many kids they would have.

How did she know so early what’s a good guy? And how to keep him?

I was so clueless and only now in my thirties am remembering the things she said about marriage and husbands.

Who teaches these girls? How they know? What do they know?

Everything about this post is repugnant. Are you 14?

[Anonymous]

I am a smart girl who married a good guy. But we didn't get married until I was (26) and he was 31. There are good guys who are focusing on their career or simply just not rushing into things who get married a smidge later in life.

[Anonymous]

I'm a successful marriage.

I married very young, and my husband he was very lucky

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We teach women they don't need to even start getting serious about men until their early 30s. By then, a single 32-year-old man is looking for a woman in her 20s.

We can mock the women who settled down in their early 20s as not being modern, ambitious, independent, motivated, or smart. Women are told that making marriage a priority in her 20s makes her a loser.

Then she gets into her 30s and says "I'm ready to settle down" and she can't find anyone.

A woman who makes marriage a priority at age 23 is sort of a rebel today. Seriously. She is going against the grain of her peers, bucking the message society keeps sending her and doing the opposite.

Maybe it's the message society is sending you?

I'm a repeat poster on here, married to a "boring" but great guy.. I would never tell my DD to get serious at 23. Ever. I would discourage it. Neither of my nieces got serious at 23. They were still trying to figure out their careers, and grow up themselves. My sister got married at 23, and she regrets it to this day. She told her DDs (my nieces) to not get married so young.

You can find nice guys in your late 20s, early 30s, but they won't be that unicorn: good looking, makes a lot of money, good partner/father, and faithful. If you manage to find this unicorn, you are supremely lucky. But, most guys, and most people for that matter, don't have the entire package. And if a woman is waiting for that whole package, more than likely, she'll be waiting for a very very long time.

That doesn't mean you have to settle, but it does mean your expectations should be realistic.

I snagged my good guy when I was 30.

The vast majority of friends, acquaintances, and family members I know who married in their 20s divorced. The vast majority of us who waited until our 30s are still married. I was such a different person at 25/26 from who I was at 30. I'm glad I had the chance to experience a lot before settling down and I think I valued myself more because of it. For women being in a relationship often degrades their self confidence so I would never encourage young marriages. You can always tell the women who did this.

I felt like I had a lot of choices of nice guys to date seriously in my 30s but I worked in a very male dominated area. Where you work can have a huge impact on your potential partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) Don't waste time on incompatible people, or people who behave badly or treat you badly. Try to avoid becoming emotionally attached to someone who isn't a good match-- that way lies heartache.

2) You have to behave. No excessive drinking, no over-spending or consumer debt, take your education and job seriously, don't be flaky, have generally polite manners.

3) This kind of guy is a "builder" personality type. They're looking for a reliable teammate who will work with them on the long-term project of family and career. If you're not into that, that's fine. But that's what this kind of guy is like, and they usually pair with other "builder" personalities. The really successful long-term marriages are often between two builders.

I ended up with a "commander." Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Worthwhile asking the smart girls who marry divorced men in their 30s and get to skip all of his struggle years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The answer here is easy. Most women marry a man just like their father. I had a fantastic father and knew just what to look for in a spouse and future father of my children. I always felt like I was worthy of love and deserved it.

This ^ Also, i think women really underestimate the many years of tacit and overt advice they get from their mothers about husband potential. It seems more feminist and evolved to think it just happened organically with two like peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Worthwhile asking the smart girls who marry divorced men in their 30s and get to skip all of his struggle years.

As long as he doesn’t have kids and isn’t paying out tons of child support and sharing custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Worthwhile asking the smart girls who marry divorced men in their 30s and get to skip all of his struggle years.

Financially stable, CHILDLESS divorced men. There are plenty of struggle years ahead if he has children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In reference to the other thread where it was concluded that the good guys with the potential to make good money are always paired up very early in life- in college or before. This makes me feel major FOMO because in high school and college, I had 0 idea what a “marriage material” guy was and how to identify them. But I had a roomate, I recall, who had been dating her engineer bf since hs. They were monogamous throughout college and he went to an Ivy League across the country. They already had it all mapped out. What jobs they were going to do; how many kids they would have.

How did she know so early what’s a good guy? And how to keep him?

I was so clueless and only now in my thirties am remembering the things she said about marriage and husbands.

Who teaches these girls? How they know? What do they know?

The bolded is pure bs. Who came up with that? The most desirable men I knew waited to settle until their 30s.

Couples who marry young are much more likely to divorce. I don't think a couple at age 23 would really know much about what it takes because figuring out who would be a good partner requires experience dating people and being in relationships with people. This idea that you can interview your way into a great relationship is a fallacy. You have to have life experience and relationship experience to learn how to have a good relationship. You have to have time to get to know people.

I'm a woman who waited until my 30s to marry. I had 3 serious relationships before I married. I dated lots of guys to get there. I worked in a male dominated field so that may skew things but I had lots of guys to consider even in my 30s. I also had interests outside of work that included lots of guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We teach women they don't need to even start getting serious about men until their early 30s. By then, a single 32-year-old man is looking for a woman in her 20s.

We can mock the women who settled down in their early 20s as not being modern, ambitious, independent, motivated, or smart. Women are told that making marriage a priority in her 20s makes her a loser.

Then she gets into her 30s and says "I'm ready to settle down" and she can't find anyone.

A woman who makes marriage a priority at age 23 is sort of a rebel today. Seriously. She is going against the grain of her peers, bucking the message society keeps sending her and doing the opposite.

Maybe it's the message society is sending you?

I'm a repeat poster on here, married to a "boring" but great guy.. I would never tell my DD to get serious at 23. Ever. I would discourage it. Neither of my nieces got serious at 23. They were still trying to figure out their careers, and grow up themselves. My sister got married at 23, and she regrets it to this day. She told her DDs (my nieces) to not get married so young.

You can find nice guys in your late 20s, early 30s, but they won't be that unicorn: good looking, makes a lot of money, good partner/father, and faithful. If you manage to find this unicorn, you are supremely lucky. But, most guys, and most people for that matter, don't have the entire package. And if a woman is waiting for that whole package, more than likely, she'll be waiting for a very very long time.

That doesn't mean you have to settle, but it does mean your expectations should be realistic.

I snagged my good guy when I was 30.

The vast majority of friends, acquaintances, and family members I know who married in their 20s divorced. The vast majority of us who waited until our 30s are still married. I was such a different person at 25/26 from who I was at 30. I'm glad I had the chance to experience a lot before settling down and I think I valued myself more because of it. For women being in a relationship often degrades their self confidence so I would never encourage young marriages. You can always tell the women who did this.

I felt like I had a lot of choices of nice guys to date seriously in my 30s but I worked in a very male dominated area. Where you work can have a huge impact on your potential partners.

The vast majority of my friends, acquaintances and family members who married in their 20s are still together. We have different circles I guess.

[Anonymous]

I think an common situation among educated folks is to lock down a partner early, enjoy getting to know each other as dinks without kids for several years, then have kids in your 30s. In my circle, there were a lot of mid twenties marriages but all these couples waited to have kids and spent several years living together in the city as DINKs. They don’t feel like they missed out on anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reference to the other thread where it was concluded that the good guys with the potential to make good money are always paired up very early in life- in college or before. This makes me feel major FOMO because in high school and college, I had 0 idea what a “marriage material” guy was and how to identify them. But I had a roomate, I recall, who had been dating her engineer bf since hs. They were monogamous throughout college and he went to an Ivy League across the country. They already had it all mapped out. What jobs they were going to do; how many kids they would have.

How did she know so early what’s a good guy? And how to keep him?

I was so clueless and only now in my thirties am remembering the things she said about marriage and husbands.

Who teaches these girls? How they know? What do they know?

The bolded is pure bs. Who came up with that? The most desirable men I knew waited to settle until their 30s.

Couples who marry young are much more likely to divorce.

“The odds of divorce decline as you age from your teenage years through your late twenties and early thirties. Thereafter, the chances of divorce go up again as you move into your late thirties and early forties (all NSFG respondents are under 45). This is a marked departure from the way things used to be, when the relationship was relatively linear: the older you are when you first marry, the lower the odds of divorce. Period.”

Institute for Family Studies, research by Wolfinger 2015.

[Anonymous]

Dh and I have been together since we were 18. Not rich by DCUM standards but have a HHI of $260k in our early 30s, 2 kids, own a house, and are very happy together.

Unfortunately, I learned that I did not want a husband like my dad and grandpa pretty early on. My parents never yelled or fought in front of us, but my dad overindulged in alcohol any chance it was available (a social binge drinker- never drank alone or at home but still problematic), he was condescending and not very consideration of my mom (went to Vegas with buddies when she was 30 weeks pregnant with twins for example. My grandpa was cold and abusive in every category to my grandma and their kids.

When I met DH, he was so thoughtful and genuine. Our first date as 18yos he planned a hike and a picnic dinner overlooking a cliff at sunset. He held my hand the whole car drive. He would mail me letters and packages even though texting was getting pretty popular (we went to different colleges). The first time I met my FIL, I knew if my DH was anything like him he'd be wonderful. At 18/19, my parents were going through a divorce and my dad had an intense mental health crisis and my FIL lovingly and swiftly scooped me into their family with open arms, provided me with a sense of steadfast love and reliability. He's the emotional one between my in laws and he's just an all around lovely human and AMAZING grandpa to our kids. My DH was so, so lucky with the upbringing he had and I knew that would be his default mode for his own family. It's worked brilliantly so far for 15 years.