Question for the smart girls who snag the good guys early in life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We teach women they don't need to even start getting serious about men until their early 30s. By then, a single 32-year-old man is looking for a woman in her 20s.

We can mock the women who settled down in their early 20s as not being modern, ambitious, independent, motivated, or smart. Women are told that making marriage a priority in her 20s makes her a loser.

Then she gets into her 30s and says "I'm ready to settle down" and she can't find anyone.

A woman who makes marriage a priority at age 23 is sort of a rebel today. Seriously. She is going against the grain of her peers, bucking the message society keeps sending her and doing the opposite.

Maybe it's the message society is sending you?

I'm a repeat poster on here, married to a "boring" but great guy.. I would never tell my DD to get serious at 23. Ever. I would discourage it. Neither of my nieces got serious at 23. They were still trying to figure out their careers, and grow up themselves. My sister got married at 23, and she regrets it to this day. She told her DDs (my nieces) to not get married so young.

You can find nice guys in your late 20s, early 30s, but they won't be that unicorn: good looking, makes a lot of money, good partner/father, and faithful. If you manage to find this unicorn, you are supremely lucky. But, most guys, and most people for that matter, don't have the entire package. And if a woman is waiting for that whole package, more than likely, she'll be waiting for a very very long time.

That doesn't mean you have to settle, but it does mean your expectations should be realistic.

I snagged my good guy when I was 30.

The vast majority of friends, acquaintances, and family members I know who married in their 20s divorced. The vast majority of us who waited until our 30s are still married. I was such a different person at 25/26 from who I was at 30. I'm glad I had the chance to experience a lot before settling down and I think I valued myself more because of it. For women being in a relationship often degrades their self confidence so I would never encourage young marriages. You can always tell the women who did this.

I felt like I had a lot of choices of nice guys to date seriously in my 30s but I worked in a very male dominated area. Where you work can have a huge impact on your potential partners.

The vast majority of my friends, acquaintances and family members who married in their 20s are still together. We have different circles I guess.

Yeah I’m the pp who knew a lot of 20s marriages, they all waited to have kids until 30s and generally are very happy. I guess if you rush into kids (or marry becayse a kid is on the way) that might be different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a smart girl who married a good guy. But we didn't get married until I was (26) and he was 31. There are good guys who are focusing on their career or simply just not rushing into things who get married a smidge later in life.

I think a lot of people on these boards conflate “snatching” up a good guy early and getting married. They aren’t the same thing. I know lots of successfully married couples who were together for years before marriage but met young like in college. For someone still dating and looking for someone with a potential, a committed guy is unavailable whether he is in a serious relationship or married!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Don't waste time on incompatible people, or people who behave badly or treat you badly. Try to avoid becoming emotionally attached to someone who isn't a good match-- that way lies heartache.

2) You have to behave. No excessive drinking, no over-spending or consumer debt, take your education and job seriously, don't be flaky, have generally polite manners.

3) This kind of guy is a "builder" personality type. They're looking for a reliable teammate who will work with them on the long-term project of family and career. If you're not into that, that's fine. But that's what this kind of guy is like, and they usually pair with other "builder" personalities. The really successful long-term marriages are often between two builders.

I ended up with a "commander." Sigh.

How do you identify a “builder” type?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have been together since we were 18. Not rich by DCUM standards but have a HHI of $260k in our early 30s, 2 kids, own a house, and are very happy together.

Unfortunately, I learned that I did not want a husband like my dad and grandpa pretty early on. My parents never yelled or fought in front of us, but my dad overindulged in alcohol any chance it was available (a social binge drinker- never drank alone or at home but still problematic), he was condescending and not very consideration of my mom (went to Vegas with buddies when she was 30 weeks pregnant with twins for example. My grandpa was cold and abusive in every category to my grandma and their kids.

When I met DH, he was so thoughtful and genuine. Our first date as 18yos he planned a hike and a picnic dinner overlooking a cliff at sunset. He held my hand the whole car drive. He would mail me letters and packages even though texting was getting pretty popular (we went to different colleges). The first time I met my FIL, I knew if my DH was anything like him he'd be wonderful. At 18/19, my parents were going through a divorce and my dad had an intense mental health crisis and my FIL lovingly and swiftly scooped me into their family with open arms, provided me with a sense of steadfast love and reliability. He's the emotional one between my in laws and he's just an all around lovely human and AMAZING grandpa to our kids. My DH was so, so lucky with the upbringing he had and I knew that would be his default mode for his own family. It's worked brilliantly so far for 15 years.

It is really sweet that you have such a good relationship with your in laws.

[Anonymous]

It's not that you marry in your 20s. You date with the intention to marry, practice relationship skills with someone who you *might* marry or who is similar to the type you will marry. Late 20s you become more serious, maybe move in together,. Then marry between 28 and 33.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Worthwhile asking the smart girls who marry divorced men in their 30s and get to skip all of his struggle years.

As long as he doesn’t have kids and isn’t paying out tons of child support and sharing custody

A spouse’s prior marriage increases your risk of divorce, so there’s that.

[Anonymous]

Fewer men go to college every year and same for grad school. It should be obvious who the good men are as you will be competing with 3-4 other educated women for the same good guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Couples who met early, have to go through a lot with each other so its not all fun and games.

Yes, this is true. My now husband and I started dating in college. Frankly, he did some dumb things at that time because he was young and immature. And, frankly, I did some dumb things in letting him get away with the dumb things he did and never asked any hard questions because I was so in love.

It all worked out well in the end. We have a great marriage and great adult kids, but now that I know more about what was going on back then, I have a lot of unwelcome thoughts about how or whether I would have acted differently if I had known the full facts back then.

[Anonymous]

I consider mean behavior repulsive. This is true when it comes to friendships, as well. Kind behavior stands out and is attractive.

[Anonymous]

What are all these happy marriages you folks are seeing and wishing for? I literally can't think of a single married couple I know where I think both partners got a good deal.

[Anonymous]

I went to a top law school for my MRS degree and got it. Some people think this is really appalling but even in my early 20s I knew I wouldn’t just luck into a great husband. If I would have gotten into a top MBA program I probably would have preferred that route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Worthwhile asking the smart girls who marry divorced men in their 30s and get to skip all of his struggle years.

As long as he doesn’t have kids and isn’t paying out tons of child support and sharing custody

According to DCUM, no CS is the norm.

[Anonymous]

I see it as smart people find smart spouses, for all you know its actually smart guys locking up smart and nice girls early on. Behind every accomplished man or woman there is often a supportive and less ambitious partner who makes it possible for them to focus and succeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:don't go for looks; go for the slightly nerdy guys who will treat you like a queen and who aren't into partying.

My sister's goal was to marry an engineer, which she did at 23.

Op here. Well I wasted my time on the social good looking frat boys.

Yeah. You have to avoid the bros. A smart, nice, hardworking guy is better.

The “nice” guys aren’t always what they seem either.

+1. I hate this fallacy. So many nerds are just as misogynistic and entitled as the “frat bros”. I’m a female engineer and these clueless commenters clearly have little experience to make such sweeping and inaccurate generalizations.

+100!

I never understood that advice, either. Marry an unattractive, socially awkward nerd who's to check the marriage box and then resent him for the remainder of the marriage as he slips into the same misogyny the advice-givers claimed to have avoided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are all these happy marriages you folks are seeing and wishing for? I literally can't think of a single married couple I know where I think both partners got a good deal.

Interesting. I personally am in a happy marriage and lots of people I know also are. I’m talking about people married 30 years and more, so marriages that have held up for the long haul. I would add that most of my classmates from college are married for many years now, with very few divorces.