Elderly parent phone call agony

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

Op here. You made me feel like absolute sh-t with what you wrote so I hope you’re happy and got what you needed out of doing this.

If I had your number I’d give it to my mom and I’m sure you would enjoy each other’s company and talk for hours together like the generous, better person you are.

I think this responder actually has some valid points. The responses to cut off the mom only serves to put Op on a therapist's couch for decades. She already feels tremendous guilt.
There are ways to deal with people like this but the basics is that things won't change and that mom is deeply flawed. Mom herself needs to accept things won't change. Managing expectations is missing here.

Agree. OP's vitriolic response to a differing perspective and legitimate criticism is a red flag.

I also find it unusual that just about every poster complaining about a parent prefaces it by saying they were physically, mentally or emotionally abused in some way. The intent of which is to immediately place the burden of blame on the parent.

I'm not doubting that some have been abused but I do wonder about this. Is it physical abuse to make a small child hold your hand when crossing the street? Is it emotional abuse to tell a child they won't always be the first/best/winner and to learn to lose graciously? Is it mental abuse to withhold games before homework is completed?

Actual psychologist here.

Cutting off toxic people does not keep people in therapy. Toxic relationships do.

Parents are to blame for abuse, not children nor adult children.

I have never met a single person who uses the examples you’ve given, or other trivial examples, as examples of abuse.

OP is not the “red flag” person in this thread.

Keep reading DCUM and you will see plenty of these examples, usually at the end of long threads.

Exactly. Anyone who claims it is agony to listen to their mother's complaints over a telephone and from 2K miles away does not know what true agony is.

Any "actual psychologist" who refuses to recognize that adult children can also dish out abuse isn't worth the paper their degree is written on and is just perpetuating their own biased bottom line which is ... MONEY.

I'd like to know how billions of other people in the world, of varying cultures, all seem to maintain relationships with their family members. But in DCUM-land, it is always justified to jettison anyone who doesn't meet your every need, recognize your every boundary, acknowledge every misdeed, and apologize forever for every failing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. Not sure how to tell you to hang up the phone but I do suggest you keep calling once a week.

My main suggestion is that you supplement with cards. Get a variety box with a roll of stamps. Send two to three cards a month. Have grandkids if any send a picture or card once a month.

That's a really nice suggestion.

[Anonymous]

OP, sending you warmth, strength, and praise for reaching out when you needed connection. I hope you will continue to find what you need, even if not always at this site.

Best wishes! Take care of yourself through the upcoming holidays, too. That can be an especially challenging time in these situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

Op here. You made me feel like absolute sh-t with what you wrote so I hope you’re happy and got what you needed out of doing this.

If I had your number I’d give it to my mom and I’m sure you would enjoy each other’s company and talk for hours together like the generous, better person you are.

I think this responder actually has some valid points. The responses to cut off the mom only serves to put Op on a therapist's couch for decades. She already feels tremendous guilt.
There are ways to deal with people like this but the basics is that things won't change and that mom is deeply flawed. Mom herself needs to accept things won't change. Managing expectations is missing here.

Agree. OP's vitriolic response to a differing perspective and legitimate criticism is a red flag.

I also find it unusual that just about every poster complaining about a parent prefaces it by saying they were physically, mentally or emotionally abused in some way. The intent of which is to immediately place the burden of blame on the parent.

I'm not doubting that some have been abused but I do wonder about this. Is it physical abuse to make a small child hold your hand when crossing the street? Is it emotional abuse to tell a child they won't always be the first/best/winner and to learn to lose graciously? Is it mental abuse to withhold games before homework is completed?

Actual psychologist here.

Cutting off toxic people does not keep people in therapy. Toxic relationships do.

Parents are to blame for abuse, not children nor adult children.

I have never met a single person who uses the examples you’ve given, or other trivial examples, as examples of abuse.

OP is not the “red flag” person in this thread.

Keep reading DCUM and you will see plenty of these examples, usually at the end of long threads.

Exactly. Anyone who claims it is agony to listen to their mother's complaints over a telephone and from 2K miles away does not know what true agony is.

Any "actual psychologist" who refuses to recognize that adult children can also dish out abuse isn't worth the paper their degree is written on and is just perpetuating their own biased bottom line which is ... MONEY.

I'd like to know how billions of other people in the world, of varying cultures, all seem to maintain relationships with their family members. But in DCUM-land, it is always justified to jettison anyone who doesn't meet your every need, recognize your every boundary, acknowledge every misdeed, and apologize forever for every failing.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. Not sure how to tell you to hang up the phone but I do suggest you keep calling once a week.

My main suggestion is that you supplement with cards. Get a variety box with a roll of stamps. Send two to three cards a month. Have grandkids if any send a picture or card once a month.

That's a really nice suggestion.

I would only reinforce if she starts treating you with dignity. if she continues to behave the way she does, sending cards tells her it works and she should continue and if she wants more attention she should get really obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

Op here. You made me feel like absolute sh-t with what you wrote so I hope you’re happy and got what you needed out of doing this.

If I had your number I’d give it to my mom and I’m sure you would enjoy each other’s company and talk for hours together like the generous, better person you are.

I think this responder actually has some valid points. The responses to cut off the mom only serves to put Op on a therapist's couch for decades. She already feels tremendous guilt.
There are ways to deal with people like this but the basics is that things won't change and that mom is deeply flawed. Mom herself needs to accept things won't change. Managing expectations is missing here.

Agree. OP's vitriolic response to a differing perspective and legitimate criticism is a red flag.

I also find it unusual that just about every poster complaining about a parent prefaces it by saying they were physically, mentally or emotionally abused in some way. The intent of which is to immediately place the burden of blame on the parent.

I'm not doubting that some have been abused but I do wonder about this. Is it physical abuse to make a small child hold your hand when crossing the street? Is it emotional abuse to tell a child they won't always be the first/best/winner and to learn to lose graciously? Is it mental abuse to withhold games before homework is completed?

Actual psychologist here.

Cutting off toxic people does not keep people in therapy. Toxic relationships do.

Parents are to blame for abuse, not children nor adult children.

I have never met a single person who uses the examples you’ve given, or other trivial examples, as examples of abuse.

OP is not the “red flag” person in this thread.

Keep reading DCUM and you will see plenty of these examples, usually at the end of long threads.

Exactly. Anyone who claims it is agony to listen to their mother's complaints over a telephone and from 2K miles away does not know what true agony is.

Any "actual psychologist" who refuses to recognize that adult children can also dish out abuse isn't worth the paper their degree is written on and is just perpetuating their own biased bottom line which is ... MONEY.

I'd like to know how billions of other people in the world, of varying cultures, all seem to maintain relationships with their family members. But in DCUM-land, it is always justified to jettison anyone who doesn't meet your every need, recognize your every boundary, acknowledge every misdeed, and apologize forever for every failing.

+1

Have you actually studies other cultures? in the very "family oriented" cultures around the world, when people are not allowed to protect themselves from abusive behavior the result ranges from physical ailments (less taboo to admit so they just suffer until they are physically ill) to suicide. Everyone does not just suck it up and smile and somehow sweep abuse under the rug. There is tremendous suffering and misery.

Nobody here had said children cannot be abusive, but this is not what the post is about. If your suspicion is correct and OP is abusive then they absolutely should end their relation ship. If a relationship results in mutual abuse it is unhealthy and must cease. It is not worth the cost of intensive daily therapy to fix especially when OP is this miserable. I certainly hope you are wrong and OP isn't abusive, but if she is, the kindest thing she can do for her mother is set her mom free and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

They always seem to crawl out from under the bridge. You chose to have children and they are adorable. Their sweet little baby smiles are what keep you going changing diapers and dealing withe the bewitching hour. As they grow and mature their are so many rewards that keep you going through the hard times.

Nobody chose to have an abusive parent crying and screaming to manipulate. No cute smiles to keep you going and the period of neediness often lasts far longer than babyhood and toddlerhood. And they get worse and more abusive.

You poster need to deal with you own demons. This seems to be personal for you. I see the tactics in your writing-the attempts at shaming and guilt-tripping. Your insults are noticed. Here is some advice poster- you are not going to get anywhere with this. Ayre it may have worked for a while, but long term shaming, guilt tripping, insulting and gaslighting make people run for the hills. Get help, before it's too late. I am engaging with you right now, but that will stop. Soon others will drift as well. The best way to deal with abusive behavior when someone won't change is to stop enabling, stop reasoning and distance yourself.

I'm trying to encourage people to be their best selves while they still have a chance to. I already posted about our neighbor who killed herself because her adult children cut her off. If you don't care about the parents in these threads, care about the damning effects of their adult children by choosing this route.. Adult children are ADULTS, no longer children, and the suffering THEY cause in this world counts too.

Be careful with how you treat people. You are responsible for the pain and trauma your put out there in the world, too. It will haunt you. Be your best self. God gave you this situation as your cross to bear, and you can beat it will kindness and compassion if you chose to. Or not. That's YOU.

Yes, be careful how you treat people. If you try to manipulate people into tolerating abusive behavior for fear the abuser will commit suicide, then you really are quite disturbed. That used to be a classic borderline personality disorder trait. If you abandon me for yiou terrible, I will kill myself!!!!!!! That is holding someone hostage.

To the poster who tried to insist people cannot draw boundaries and keep stepping back if poor behavior does not change, you really need to get help. There is some disturbing reason you are telling people their sanity does not matter. If you hate your child so much that you cannot treat her or him with dignity and respect, then why would you not want to set her free? Holding someone hostage because you refuse to treat your mental illness is not OK. Please get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

Op here. You made me feel like absolute sh-t with what you wrote so I hope you’re happy and got what you needed out of doing this.

If I had your number I’d give it to my mom and I’m sure you would enjoy each other’s company and talk for hours together like the generous, better person you are.

I think this responder actually has some valid points. The responses to cut off the mom only serves to put Op on a therapist's couch for decades. She already feels tremendous guilt.
There are ways to deal with people like this but the basics is that things won't change and that mom is deeply flawed. Mom herself needs to accept things won't change. Managing expectations is missing here.

Agree. OP's vitriolic response to a differing perspective and legitimate criticism is a red flag.

I also find it unusual that just about every poster complaining about a parent prefaces it by saying they were physically, mentally or emotionally abused in some way. The intent of which is to immediately place the burden of blame on the parent.

I'm not doubting that some have been abused but I do wonder about this. Is it physical abuse to make a small child hold your hand when crossing the street? Is it emotional abuse to tell a child they won't always be the first/best/winner and to learn to lose graciously? Is it mental abuse to withhold games before homework is completed?

Actual psychologist here.

Cutting off toxic people does not keep people in therapy. Toxic relationships do.

Parents are to blame for abuse, not children nor adult children.

I have never met a single person who uses the examples you’ve given, or other trivial examples, as examples of abuse.

OP is not the “red flag” person in this thread.

Keep reading DCUM and you will see plenty of these examples, usually at the end of long threads.

Exactly. Anyone who claims it is agony to listen to their mother's complaints over a telephone and from 2K miles away does not know what true agony is.

Any "actual psychologist" who refuses to recognize that adult children can also dish out abuse isn't worth the paper their degree is written on and is just perpetuating their own biased bottom line which is ... MONEY.

I'd like to know how billions of other people in the world, of varying cultures, all seem to maintain relationships with their family members. But in DCUM-land, it is always justified to jettison anyone who doesn't meet your every need, recognize your every boundary, acknowledge every misdeed, and apologize forever for every failing.

You are gaslighting. Stop!

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom also abused me mentally, emotionally and physically when I was a child. (PP who does not believe abuse claims, I was hospitalized and then placed in foster care as a result of one particularly nasty episode. I was eventually returned to the home and the abuse continued and got worse until I finally left home at 16.)

My mother and I were estranged for most of my life but she has been back in my life since I had kids. I informed her that I would not tolerate her doing and saying certain things but she continued anyway. These conversations would leave me distraught, in tears and bring back all of the trauma from my childhood. It was as if I was a terrified 6 year old all over again.

At first, I would remind her of my boundaries but she would continue. After about three years of this repeated emotional upheaval one day I just snapped and cursed her out. I told her everything I had ever wanted to say and ended the conversation not in a nice way. And then I hung up on her. This is a big deal because I had always been very obedient and respectful.

She called every person in the family crying and hysterical to let them know just what a horrible, terrible daughter I am. I was defiant and God was going to punish me. We didn't talk for six months. Then one day she called me as though nothing had happened and we had a very pleasant conversation. Since then, she has been very respectful towards me and I don't dread talking to her anymore.

I'm not saying you should curse your mom out. I felt a great deal of shame over my actions but our relationship is a thousand times better so I can live with it. I am saying you should very firmly defend your boundaries.

Do not stay on the phone longer than you want to. If you need to hang up, hang up. If you need to take a break then do it. She is still abusing you now but you are a grown up now and you have the power to change that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you just don’t call? Does she text or email? My parents are in their 80s but will text or email from time to time. I limit my communication to text and email. I will pick up if they call me, but they don’t.

That's very sad to hear.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. Not sure how to tell you to hang up the phone but I do suggest you keep calling once a week.

My main suggestion is that you supplement with cards. Get a variety box with a roll of stamps. Send two to three cards a month. Have grandkids if any send a picture or card once a month.

That's a really nice suggestion.

I would only reinforce if she starts treating you with dignity. if she continues to behave the way she does, sending cards tells her it works and she should continue and if she wants more attention she should get really obnoxious.

Maybe the point isn't to break her. Maybe the point is to make things better. For both of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

They always seem to crawl out from under the bridge. You chose to have children and they are adorable. Their sweet little baby smiles are what keep you going changing diapers and dealing withe the bewitching hour. As they grow and mature their are so many rewards that keep you going through the hard times.

Nobody chose to have an abusive parent crying and screaming to manipulate. No cute smiles to keep you going and the period of neediness often lasts far longer than babyhood and toddlerhood. And they get worse and more abusive.

You poster need to deal with you own demons. This seems to be personal for you. I see the tactics in your writing-the attempts at shaming and guilt-tripping. Your insults are noticed. Here is some advice poster- you are not going to get anywhere with this. Ayre it may have worked for a while, but long term shaming, guilt tripping, insulting and gaslighting make people run for the hills. Get help, before it's too late. I am engaging with you right now, but that will stop. Soon others will drift as well. The best way to deal with abusive behavior when someone won't change is to stop enabling, stop reasoning and distance yourself.

I'm trying to encourage people to be their best selves while they still have a chance to. I already posted about our neighbor who killed herself because her adult children cut her off. If you don't care about the parents in these threads, care about the damning effects of their adult children by choosing this route.. Adult children are ADULTS, no longer children, and the suffering THEY cause in this world counts too.

Be careful with how you treat people. You are responsible for the pain and trauma your put out there in the world, too. It will haunt you. Be your best self. God gave you this situation as your cross to bear, and you can beat it will kindness and compassion if you chose to. Or not. That's YOU.

Yes, be careful how you treat people. If you try to manipulate people into tolerating abusive behavior for fear the abuser will commit suicide, then you really are quite disturbed. That used to be a classic borderline personality disorder trait. If you abandon me for yiou terrible, I will kill myself!!!!!!! That is holding someone hostage.

To the poster who tried to insist people cannot draw boundaries and keep stepping back if poor behavior does not change, you really need to get help. There is some disturbing reason you are telling people their sanity does not matter. If you hate your child so much that you cannot treat her or him with dignity and respect, then why would you not want to set her free? Holding someone hostage because you refuse to treat your mental illness is not OK. Please get help.

That's your interpretation. Where does it ACTUALLY say that in what was ACTUALLY posted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. Not sure how to tell you to hang up the phone but I do suggest you keep calling once a week.

My main suggestion is that you supplement with cards. Get a variety box with a roll of stamps. Send two to three cards a month. Have grandkids if any send a picture or card once a month.

That's a really nice suggestion.

I would only reinforce if she starts treating you with dignity. if she continues to behave the way she does, sending cards tells her it works and she should continue and if she wants more attention she should get really obnoxious.

Maybe the point isn't to break her. Maybe the point is to make things better. For both of them.

Right. Encouraging and supporting one another in treating each other well is a good way to do that. And good boundaries are the best way to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

Op here. You made me feel like absolute sh-t with what you wrote so I hope you’re happy and got what you needed out of doing this.

If I had your number I’d give it to my mom and I’m sure you would enjoy each other’s company and talk for hours together like the generous, better person you are.

I think this responder actually has some valid points. The responses to cut off the mom only serves to put Op on a therapist's couch for decades. She already feels tremendous guilt.
There are ways to deal with people like this but the basics is that things won't change and that mom is deeply flawed. Mom herself needs to accept things won't change. Managing expectations is missing here.

Agree. OP's vitriolic response to a differing perspective and legitimate criticism is a red flag.

I also find it unusual that just about every poster complaining about a parent prefaces it by saying they were physically, mentally or emotionally abused in some way. The intent of which is to immediately place the burden of blame on the parent.

I'm not doubting that some have been abused but I do wonder about this. Is it physical abuse to make a small child hold your hand when crossing the street? Is it emotional abuse to tell a child they won't always be the first/best/winner and to learn to lose graciously? Is it mental abuse to withhold games before homework is completed?

Actual psychologist here.

Cutting off toxic people does not keep people in therapy. Toxic relationships do.

Parents are to blame for abuse, not children nor adult children.

I have never met a single person who uses the examples you’ve given, or other trivial examples, as examples of abuse.

OP is not the “red flag” person in this thread.

Keep reading DCUM and you will see plenty of these examples, usually at the end of long threads.

Exactly. Anyone who claims it is agony to listen to their mother's complaints over a telephone and from 2K miles away does not know what true agony is.

Any "actual psychologist" who refuses to recognize that adult children can also dish out abuse isn't worth the paper their degree is written on and is just perpetuating their own biased bottom line which is ... MONEY.

I'd like to know how billions of other people in the world, of varying cultures, all seem to maintain relationships with their family members. But in DCUM-land, it is always justified to jettison anyone who doesn't meet your every need, recognize your every boundary, acknowledge every misdeed, and apologize forever for every failing.

+1

Have you actually studies other cultures? in the very "family oriented" cultures around the world, when people are not allowed to protect themselves from abusive behavior the result ranges from physical ailments (less taboo to admit so they just suffer until they are physically ill) to suicide. Everyone does not just suck it up and smile and somehow sweep abuse under the rug. There is tremendous suffering and misery.

Nobody here had said children cannot be abusive, but this is not what the post is about. If your suspicion is correct and OP is abusive then they absolutely should end their relation ship. If a relationship results in mutual abuse it is unhealthy and must cease. It is not worth the cost of intensive daily therapy to fix especially when OP is this miserable. I certainly hope you are wrong and OP isn't abusive, but if she is, the kindest thing she can do for her mother is set her mom free and move on.

On what planet does that make sense? You can't "set her mom free" that is LAUGHABLE. That's like saying you should cut off your arm or leg and set it free. It does no good to you and it does no good to your arm or leg.

She will never be free of her mother. Even if she cuts her off, she will always feel that missing limb. A better solution is to learn how to deal with her troubled, broken mother in a way that doesn't harm her. But posters won't let anyone make suggestions like that. Their commitment is to WINNING against the parent, not making things okay. Like toddlers. Arrested development, and should not be giving anyone advice.