Elderly parent phone call agony

[Anonymous]

My mother lives alone 2000 miles away and refuses any option that would bring her closer to family or friends. She is very lonely. She is also an unpleasant person who neglected and abused me (physically, emotionally) when I was younger. I say that because it adds complications to the guilt I feel about the current situation.

It is very difficult to have a short phone conversation with my mom. I call once a week, and it’s exhausting because realistically a 30-45 minute call is as much as I can handle because my mom starts repeating stories, criticizing me, or chastising me for never calling her. She does not call me and thinks it’s offensive for parents to have to call their adult children. Around the 30 minute mark, I try to gently let my mom know how much time I have before I have to go to church, make dinner, etc. (she also finds it rude to make calls while walking around, doing a chore, riding in the car, etc). It’s really hard to find time to sit perfectly still and talk to my mom for more than 45 minutes. She thinks the call should end when she has had enough of it and will ignore my pleas and reminders and happily keep me on the phone for 90 minutes-3 hours, essentially until she is hungry, the news is on, or she needs to use the bathroom. If I firmly say I have to go and that I’m going to have to hang up, and goodbye, etc., she will scream and cry and hang up on me first.

This happens frequently and every time it does, I take a week’s break from calling her. And then the cycle begins anew.

I don’t have close cousins or friends with similar distance from family, so I don’t know if I’m just being impatient and this is how a long-distance parent-adult child relationship works once the parent is elderly. How on earth do I manage this?

[Anonymous]

You stop calling.

Also, what's wrong with you that you let yourself be crapped on like that?!!?!

[Anonymous]

She literally screams and cries? Or are you using that more as an expression? Because I think everything else you said is very normal for phone calls with elderly parents. But the magnitude of her reaction when you set a limit is not typical. I’m not sure what to advise.

I think a therapist would say that you continue to hold your boundary and she can have her reaction but her reaction is hers to deal with.

[Anonymous]

This is PP. Also you don’t plea and remind, and you don’t stay on the phone for longer than 30 minutes, if that’s the amount of time you’ve decided. You hold the boundary.

[Anonymous]

Given that she refuses to live closer to family (possibly a blessing) and that she physically and emotionally abused you I would be much less tolerant of her intolerable behavior than you are. I might give her ten to fifteen minutes on the phone once a week but as soon as she started criticizing or chastising (repeating stories is par for the elderly) I would say I have to go now, I'll talk to you next Sunday, bye, and then I would hang up.

That's it. I'm not sure why you are feeling any guilt at all. She should be feeling a lot of guilt but not you. Many people in your situation would be 100% estranged from her. I really don't think you owe someone who abused you and continues to treat you badly anything at all. Even your mother, or maybe especially your mother.

[Anonymous]

What happens if you just don’t call? Does she text or email? My parents are in their 80s but will text or email from time to time. I limit my communication to text and email. I will pick up if they call me, but they don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She literally screams and cries? Or are you using that more as an expression? Because I think everything else you said is very normal for phone calls with elderly parents. But the magnitude of her reaction when you set a limit is not typical. I’m not sure what to advise.

I think a therapist would say that you continue to hold your boundary and she can have her reaction but her reaction is hers to deal with.

Literally screams and cries, yes. I’m prone to hyperbole but it’s hold-the-phone-from-your-ear volume of hysterics.

[Anonymous]

She is still abusing you, OP, but now you are a grown up, thousands of miles away. Stick up for your child self and don't let her do it. You deserve better.

It is perfectly fine to not call at all. You could literally just never speak to her again, and you would be right.

It is also fine for you to speak for a few minutes, and then start to do things. If she says you are rude, you say "Oh, then I'll let you go. Goodbye." and you *hang up the phone*. You don't need to listen to what she says, because you already know what will happen.

Do you have any support? Friends? Family? Therapist? If you were my friend I would love to sit in the room with you while you hang up on your mom. I would be so proud of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She literally screams and cries? Or are you using that more as an expression? Because I think everything else you said is very normal for phone calls with elderly parents. But the magnitude of her reaction when you set a limit is not typical. I’m not sure what to advise.

I think a therapist would say that you continue to hold your boundary and she can have her reaction but her reaction is hers to deal with.

Literally screams and cries, yes. I’m prone to hyperbole but it’s hold-the-phone-from-your-ear volume of hysterics.

You can't hear her screaming if you've already hung up. Voila!

[Anonymous]

She's traumatized you and then somehow made you feel bad about it, and now she's controlling the communication too. If I were you, I wouldn't feel like I owed her anything. But a 30 minute once a week call is plenty. I wouldn't hesitate to tidy up my room (how would she even know?) or fold laundry while talking to her. At the 30 minute mark say "I love you mom, gotta go!" And then hang up before she can scream and cry. No extra warnings. Don't give her the power. She has the power and she doesn't deserve the power. She was not a good mom, you are being a good daughter despite that, and that is good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you just don’t call? Does she text or email? My parents are in their 80s but will text or email from time to time. I limit my communication to text and email. I will pick up if they call me, but they don’t.

No text, no email. The few times I couldn’t handle it and didn’t call for a few weeks, she pretends it is a normal conversation and then out of the blue will start crying and saying she’s so lonely and I never call her and I’ve left her to be all alone.

No text, no email, even though she texts and emails others quite frequently to stay in touch. She will not text unless it’s in a reply to one that I’ve sent.

[Anonymous]

I would have no qualms hanging up on her at 30 minutes when I tell her it's time for me to go. You should have no guilt treating her the way she treats you.

[Anonymous]

Also, I would call her when doing chores or walking and when she says that's rude, respond 'you're right, I'll call you back later' but only call her back when doing chores or walking or driving. Try to have fun playing mind games with her.

[Anonymous]

A lot. But my extended family is dead save for my brother who is dealing with his own stuff, and I guess I feel an obligation to my mother. She’ll be more of my problem eventually- I’m her estate executor, her POA, etc., and she has a strict idea about gender norms and puts all the expectations of family stuff on me, the daughter.

I guess my pathetic unconscious hope (until just now when I typed this) is that if I placate her better now, she’ll be less of mean to me when I’m dealing more directly with her daily care in the future.

[Anonymous]

I’m OP and posted above trying to reply to the “what’s wrong with you?” question….add “can’t quote in replies” to the list.