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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.[/quote]

Op here. You made me feel like absolute sh-t with what you wrote so I hope you’re happy and got what you needed out of doing this.

If I had your number I’d give it to my mom and I’m sure you would enjoy each other’s company and talk for hours together like the generous, better person you are.[/quote]

I think this responder actually has some valid points.  The responses to cut off the mom only serves to put Op on a therapist's couch for decades. She already feels tremendous guilt.
There are ways to deal with people like this but the basics is that things won't change and that mom is deeply flawed.  Mom herself needs to accept things won't change.  Managing expectations is missing here.[/quote]

Agree. OP's vitriolic response to a differing perspective and legitimate criticism is a red flag.

I also find it unusual that just about every poster complaining about a parent prefaces it by saying they were physically, mentally or emotionally abused in some way. The intent of which is to immediately place the burden of blame on the parent.

I'm not doubting that some have been abused but I do wonder about this. Is it physical abuse to make a small child hold your hand when crossing the street? Is it emotional abuse to tell a child they won't always be the first/best/winner and to learn to lose graciously? Is it mental abuse to withhold games before homework is completed?  
[/quote]

Actual psychologist here.

Cutting off toxic people does not keep people in therapy. Toxic relationships do.

Parents are to blame for abuse, not children nor adult children.
[b]
I have never met a single person who uses the examples you’ve given, or other trivial examples, as examples of abuse.[/b]

OP is not the “red flag” person in this thread.

[/quote]

Keep reading DCUM and you will see plenty of these examples, usually at the end of long threads. [/quote]

Exactly. Anyone who claims it is agony to listen to their mother's complaints over a telephone and from 2K miles away does not know what true agony is.

Any "actual psychologist" who refuses to recognize that adult children can also dish out abuse isn't worth the paper their degree is written on and is just perpetuating their own biased bottom line which is ... MONEY.

I'd like to know how billions of other people in the world, of varying cultures, all seem to maintain relationships with their family members.  But in DCUM-land, it is always justified to jettison anyone who doesn't meet your every need, recognize your every boundary, acknowledge every misdeed, and apologize forever for every failing. [/quote]

+1[/quote]

Have you actually studies other cultures? in the very "family oriented" cultures around the world, when people are not allowed to protect themselves from abusive behavior the result ranges from physical ailments (less taboo to admit so they just suffer until they are physically ill) to suicide. Everyone does not just suck it up and smile and somehow sweep abuse under the rug. There is tremendous suffering and misery.

Nobody here had said children cannot be abusive, but this is not what the post is about. If your suspicion is correct and OP is abusive then they absolutely should end their relation ship. If a relationship results in mutual abuse it is unhealthy and must cease. It is not worth the cost of intensive daily therapy to fix especially when OP is this miserable. I certainly hope you are wrong and OP isn't abusive, but if she is, [b]the kindest thing she can do for her mother is set her mom free and move on[/b].[/quote]

On what planet does that make sense? You can't "set her mom free" that is LAUGHABLE. That's like saying you should cut off your arm or leg and set it free. It does no good to you and it does no good to your arm or leg.

She will never be free of her mother. Even if she cuts her off, she will always feel that missing limb. A better solution is to learn how to deal with her troubled, broken mother in a way that doesn't harm her. But posters won't let anyone make suggestions like that. Their commitment is to WINNING against the parent, not making things okay. Like toddlers. Arrested development, and should not be giving anyone advice.[/quote]

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