Elderly parent phone call agony

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Great quote. To the person trying to manipulate OP with the story of the mom who committed suicide because her adult children cut her off, you are abusive and disturbing. Yes, sometimes abusers cannot deal with being found out and they attempt to harm themselves. Instead of getting help and trying to make amends, they are so humiliated the try to escape through suicide and get the latest dagger in. By trying to manipulate Op with that story you are saying the abuser's life matters more than hers. You are trying to put her in her place.

To the person implying OP might be the abuser, she has endured abuse since she was a child. You are saying victims of child abuse deserve abuse?

To the people threatening that God is watching and you will suffer, God cares about victims of abuse. God is watching you try to shame an abuse survivor. It is disgusting to invoke God as a way to force an abuse victim back into a subservient role.

OP my heart goes out to you and thank goodness I have seen lots of support and good advice on this thread. I see the abusers have crawled out from the3 caves to justify and turn things on you and shame and manipulate and gaslight and even abuse the Lord's name to insist one must honor thy abuser. I really need to step away from this thread I have seen the dark side of humanity. If an abuser commits suicide that is complete on the abuser. To all those who blame the victim, there are no words. May you see the light and change your ways and develop some empathy for people other than those who harm, hurt and destroy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. Not sure how to tell you to hang up the phone but I do suggest you keep calling once a week.

My main suggestion is that you supplement with cards. Get a variety box with a roll of stamps. Send two to three cards a month. Have grandkids if any send a picture or card once a month.

That's a really nice suggestion.

I would only reinforce if she starts treating you with dignity. if she continues to behave the way she does, sending cards tells her it works and she should continue and if she wants more attention she should get really obnoxious.

Maybe the point isn't to break her. Maybe the point is to make things better. For both of them.

Right. Encouraging and supporting one another in treating each other well is a good way to do that. And good boundaries are the best way to do that.

Well that's one way. That's 11 on a scale of 1 to 10. Why can't you let others suggest less severe solutions? Why are so many posters triggered by the idea that things may actually work out, within a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Great quote. To the person trying to manipulate OP with the story of the mom who committed suicide because her adult children cut her off, you are abusive and disturbing. Yes, sometimes abusers cannot deal with being found out and they attempt to harm themselves. Instead of getting help and trying to make amends, they are so humiliated the try to escape through suicide and get the latest dagger in. By trying to manipulate Op with that story you are saying the abuser's life matters more than hers. You are trying to put her in her place.

To the person implying OP might be the abuser, she has endured abuse since she was a child. You are saying victims of child abuse deserve abuse?

To the people threatening that God is watching and you will suffer, God cares about victims of abuse. God is watching you try to shame an abuse survivor. It is disgusting to invoke God as a way to force an abuse victim back into a subservient role.

OP my heart goes out to you and thank goodness I have seen lots of support and good advice on this thread. I see the abusers have crawled out from the3 caves to justify and turn things on you and shame and manipulate and gaslight and even abuse the Lord's name to insist one must honor thy abuser. I really need to step away from this thread I have seen the dark side of humanity. If an abuser commits suicide that is complete on the abuser. To all those who blame the victim, there are no words. May you see the light and change your ways and develop some empathy for people other than those who harm, hurt and destroy.

By your own rules, you are trying to manipulate OP by posting that quote and following up with your opinions. You are revealing yourself as a manipulator. By your own rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. Not sure how to tell you to hang up the phone but I do suggest you keep calling once a week.

My main suggestion is that you supplement with cards. Get a variety box with a roll of stamps. Send two to three cards a month. Have grandkids if any send a picture or card once a month.

That's a really nice suggestion.

I would only reinforce if she starts treating you with dignity. if she continues to behave the way she does, sending cards tells her it works and she should continue and if she wants more attention she should get really obnoxious.

Maybe the point isn't to break her. Maybe the point is to make things better. For both of them.

Right. Encouraging and supporting one another in treating each other well is a good way to do that. And good boundaries are the best way to do that.

Well that's one way. That's 11 on a scale of 1 to 10. Why can't you let others suggest less severe solutions? Why are so many posters triggered by the idea that things may actually work out, within a relationship?

Setting boundaries is "severe" and off the scale?

I'll just leave that for contemplation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Great quote. To the person trying to manipulate OP with the story of the mom who committed suicide because her adult children cut her off, you are abusive and disturbing. Yes, sometimes abusers cannot deal with being found out and they attempt to harm themselves. Instead of getting help and trying to make amends, they are so humiliated the try to escape through suicide and get the latest dagger in. By trying to manipulate Op with that story you are saying the abuser's life matters more than hers. You are trying to put her in her place.

To the person implying OP might be the abuser, she has endured abuse since she was a child. You are saying victims of child abuse deserve abuse?

To the people threatening that God is watching and you will suffer, God cares about victims of abuse. God is watching you try to shame an abuse survivor. It is disgusting to invoke God as a way to force an abuse victim back into a subservient role.

OP my heart goes out to you and thank goodness I have seen lots of support and good advice on this thread. I see the abusers have crawled out from the3 caves to justify and turn things on you and shame and manipulate and gaslight and even abuse the Lord's name to insist one must honor thy abuser. I really need to step away from this thread I have seen the dark side of humanity. If an abuser commits suicide that is complete on the abuser. To all those who blame the victim, there are no words. May you see the light and change your ways and develop some empathy for people other than those who harm, hurt and destroy.

By your own rules, you are trying to manipulate OP by posting that quote and following up with your opinions. You are revealing yourself as a manipulator. By your own rules.

Did you think you were in conversation with only one person here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

What is disgusting is that your normal childhood didn’t provide you with the ability to sympathize. No formerly abused kid needs your input

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. My elderly mom insists that SHE be called and will never call any of her adult children. Mom also becomes irate when my sister, who lives in an ocean side community, calls on her daily beach walks before she heads into work. Yes, my mom whines to me that my sister can’t prioritize her and only calls whiles she does something else.

I now call my mom when I’m pulling weeds, cleaning outside windows, folding laundry - haven’t yet been “caught” doing any of these activities.

I used to call her while driving home from work - but now consider this distracted driving so will no longer do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

What is disgusting is that your normal childhood didn’t provide you with the ability to sympathize. No formerly abused kid needs your input

That's not true. Perspective can be a very good thing.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps one mistakes perspective for a personal agenda.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps one mistakes perspective for a personal agenda.

I mean, OP could gain perspective by hearing it from another angle -- but only if others exactly like her let her hear the suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. Not sure how to tell you to hang up the phone but I do suggest you keep calling once a week.

My main suggestion is that you supplement with cards. Get a variety box with a roll of stamps. Send two to three cards a month. Have grandkids if any send a picture or card once a month.

That's a really nice suggestion.

I would only reinforce if she starts treating you with dignity. if she continues to behave the way she does, sending cards tells her it works and she should continue and if she wants more attention she should get really obnoxious.

Maybe the point isn't to break her. Maybe the point is to make things better. For both of them.

Right. Encouraging and supporting one another in treating each other well is a good way to do that. And good boundaries are the best way to do that.

Well that's one way. That's 11 on a scale of 1 to 10. Why can't you let others suggest less severe solutions? Why are so many posters triggered by the idea that things may actually work out, within a relationship?

And why are you so triggered by the suggestion of mere boundaries, PP? Because of your own personal, painful experiences of being cut out of the lives of others? People of DCUM did not do that to you. Your loved ones did not do that to you. You did that to you. Until you are ready to try to change, it's just going to keep happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

Op was not raised in a normal or healthy way. And your black and white thinking is not normal or healthy; it is damaging, tone deaf, and emotionally stunted. Get the F off this thread.

[Anonymous]

I think maybe Jeff needs to come in and review the IP address(es) of the manipulative troll who always comes in to a) insist that all children must maintain relationships with their parents, no matter how terrible the parents are; and 2) insists that everywhere else in the entire world is much better than the US in terms of parent-adult children relationships. Also probably the same troll who 3) insists moving parents to assisted living is monstrous; and 4) opposes end-of-life decisions to discontinue interventions that are only prolonging life, because quantity over quality.

But in any event -- to the OP and to others who have posted similar stories -- I'm a living example of someone who cut my narcissistic, alcoholic, abusive father off twenty years ago now. After much therapy, I realized that there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I could do to set boundaries that my father would respect. It didn't matter if I asked nicely, if I explained my feelings, if I reasoned with him, or if I yelled at him or ignored him. My feelings do not matter and have never mattered to him.

My father did not attend my wedding and he's never met any of my three children. He's now 84 and will likely die soon. I'm sure I might be a little sad, but I did most of my mourning twenty years ago in mourning the fantasy of having a good dad who would love and respect me. His death will the end of any possibility of rapprochement, but he chooses not to change and I choose not to subject myself or my family to his abusive behavior. Done and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe Jeff needs to come in and review the IP address(es) of the manipulative troll who always comes in to a) insist that all children must maintain relationships with their parents, no matter how terrible the parents are; and 2) insists that everywhere else in the entire world is much better than the US in terms of parent-adult children relationships. Also probably the same troll who 3) insists moving parents to assisted living is monstrous; and 4) opposes end-of-life decisions to discontinue interventions that are only prolonging life, because quantity over quality.

But in any event -- to the OP and to others who have posted similar stories -- I'm a living example of someone who cut my narcissistic, alcoholic, abusive father off twenty years ago now. After much therapy, I realized that there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I could do to set boundaries that my father would respect. It didn't matter if I asked nicely, if I explained my feelings, if I reasoned with him, or if I yelled at him or ignored him. My feelings do not matter and have never mattered to him.

My father did not attend my wedding and he's never met any of my three children. He's now 84 and will likely die soon. I'm sure I might be a little sad, but I did most of my mourning twenty years ago in mourning the fantasy of having a good dad who would love and respect me. His death will the end of any possibility of rapprochement, but he chooses not to change and I choose not to subject myself or my family to his abusive behavior. Done and done.

I posted before this in "Website feedback" with a thread entitled "Is this the same person." I don't think Jeff read this thread all that closely because he saw the person as providing another perspective and not going over the line. That makes sense in many cases, but I think he missed the fact OP is an child abuse survivor and the tactics used by the poster crossed the line IMO. Regardless, not my website. Usually I agree with Jeff, but not on this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would call her when doing chores or walking and when she says that's rude, respond 'you're right, I'll call you back later' but only call her back when doing chores or walking or driving. Try to have fun playing mind games with her.

While the OP’s Mother is being demanding + unreasonable, playing games w/one’s own elderly Mother is just cruel and immature.