Elderly parent phone call agony

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother lives alone 2000 miles away and refuses any option that would bring her closer to family or friends. She is very lonely. She is also an unpleasant person who neglected and abused me (physically, emotionally) when I was younger. I say that because it adds complications to the guilt I feel about the current situation.

It is very difficult to have a short phone conversation with my mom. I call once a week, and it’s exhausting because realistically a 30-45 minute call is as much as I can handle because my mom starts repeating stories, criticizing me, or chastising me for never calling her. She does not call me and thinks it’s offensive for parents to have to call their adult children. Around the 30 minute mark, I try to gently let my mom know how much time I have before I have to go to church, make dinner, etc. (she also finds it rude to make calls while walking around, doing a chore, riding in the car, etc). It’s really hard to find time to sit perfectly still and talk to my mom for more than 45 minutes. She thinks the call should end when she has had enough of it and will ignore my pleas and reminders and happily keep me on the phone for 90 minutes-3 hours, essentially until she is hungry, the news is on, or she needs to use the bathroom. If I firmly say I have to go and that I’m going to have to hang up, and goodbye, etc., she will scream and cry and hang up on me first.

This happens frequently and every time it does, I take a week’s break from calling her. And then the cycle begins anew.

I don’t have close cousins or friends with similar distance from family, so I don’t know if I’m just being impatient and this is how a long-distance parent-adult child relationship works once the parent is elderly. How on earth do I manage this?

This is manipulation. So she throws a fit? So what? Her choice. Let her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot. But my extended family is dead save for my brother who is dealing with his own stuff, and I guess I feel an obligation to my mother. She’ll be more of my problem eventually- I’m her estate executor, her POA, etc., and she has a strict idea about gender norms and puts all the expectations of family stuff on me, the daughter.

I guess my pathetic unconscious hope (until just now when I typed this) is that if I placate her better now, she’ll be less of mean to me when I’m dealing more directly with her daily care in the future.

You say you feel an obligation, but an obligation to do what? Make sure she has food and housing? Or be her victim, subject to her whims?

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, placating her now is NOT going to make things easier down the road.

Read that again.

You do not have to be responsible for her daily care if a time comes when she needs that.

Read that again.

You CAN say “mom I need to end this conversation now. I will be hanging up. I will call in one week” AND THEN HANG UP.

You CAN do that. Nothing will change in how she acts. I’d bet money (and I’m poor!) that it will not worsen her behavior and it will improve your life.

YOU MATTER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Do you have any support? Friends? Family? Therapist? If you were my friend I would love to sit in the room with you while you hang up on your mom. I would be so proud of you.

I don’t have living family I can talk to about this except for my nuclear family- they get it. I have a few very close friends who understand. The hard part is this time of year when everyone is talking about holiday plans. People ask if I’m going to see my mom and I’m disgusted that I cover for our relationship by saying things like the trip is too far, no time off work, etc. Telling the truth to every acquaintance and colleague is totally inappropriate, though. I end up spending November and December like a liar, actor, or just fake version of myself, and it is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

My mom also thinks it's rude to talk while I'm running errands or folding laundry. I sometimes do it anyway if I have to and she rolls with it. She's happiest when I Zoom with my camera on and staring into the screen with my listening face on. It's ok with me, because I recognize for example that I really prefer when my DH is actively listening to me, making eye contact occasionally, saying mmhmm sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot. But my extended family is dead save for my brother who is dealing with his own stuff, and I guess I feel an obligation to my mother. She’ll be more of my problem eventually- I’m her estate executor, her POA, etc., and she has a strict idea about gender norms and puts all the expectations of family stuff on me, the daughter.

I guess my pathetic unconscious hope (until just now when I typed this) is that if I placate her better now, she’ll be less of mean to me when I’m dealing more directly with her daily care in the future.

Nope. She will be more mean to you, because she knows you will take it.

I'm sorry OP. She is most likely incapable of ever treating you how you deserve to be treated. But you can, and should, set boundaries so that you are treating yourself with respect.

[Anonymous]

No advice but I get you, OP. I am also avoiding calling my mom right now and thinking about Thanksgiving. My heart breaks for her bc I know she is lonely but she is also tough to be on the phone with, let alone spend a holiday weekend with.

[Anonymous]

Op here, just wanted to let you all know that I’m in tears. I posted this at the true end of my rope expecting not to receive a single reply or maybe to get chastised. It’s hard to believe that there are people out there on a Friday night after bedtime taking the time to care, and I want you to know that I feel wrapped in kindness and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, just wanted to let you all know that I’m in tears. I posted this at the true end of my rope expecting not to receive a single reply or maybe to get chastised. It’s hard to believe that there are people out there on a Friday night after bedtime taking the time to care, and I want you to know that I feel wrapped in kindness and support.

I commented early and I am so glad!! You deserve to feel supported it is so easy to get sucked in to your situation and feel stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You stop calling.

Also, what's wrong with you that you let yourself be crapped on like that?!!?!

You are a monster.

[Anonymous]

Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

You're right. We were not raised "in a normal way". Like OP, we were abused

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stop calling.

Also, what's wrong with you that you let yourself be crapped on like that?!!?!

You are a monster.

PP you replied to. No, I'm not. But I used to be in OP's shoes while I was dependent on my mother, and I got out as soon as I could and laid down some boundaries. And for the past 15 years, it's the only way I've been able to have a pleasant relationship with my mother: boundaries and distance.

OP's mother sounds too far gone, honestly, to ever understand she needs to back off. But OP can always start living for herself, instead of being tortured by her mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

Oh, stuff it, PP. The discomfort you are feeling with this post is because you recognize yourself in OP's mother. You don't know how to have relationships with people so you try to control them with abuse, and nothing terrifies you more than the idea of someone setting healthy boundaries because you know they will leave you behind.

Go get some therapy and leave OP alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

Ah. I think we've found the monster. The one who always keeps telling us it's fine our parents make us suffer, because they gave birth to us.