Elderly parent phone call agony

[Anonymous]

OP, if you’re not doing so already, please see an individual therapist who can help you with these dynamics. People on here aren’t experts in things like trauma, psychopathology, aging parents, etc., that are relevant here.

I support you and am sorry you’ve been through so much in your life. You deserve much better - and you’ll find that through good therapy, not here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

They always seem to crawl out from under the bridge. You chose to have children and they are adorable. Their sweet little baby smiles are what keep you going changing diapers and dealing withe the bewitching hour. As they grow and mature their are so many rewards that keep you going through the hard times.

Nobody chose to have an abusive parent crying and screaming to manipulate. No cute smiles to keep you going and the period of neediness often lasts far longer than babyhood and toddlerhood. And they get worse and more abusive.

You poster need to deal with you own demons. This seems to be personal for you. I see the tactics in your writing-the attempts at shaming and guilt-tripping. Your insults are noticed. Here is some advice poster- you are not going to get anywhere with this. Ayre it may have worked for a while, but long term shaming, guilt tripping, insulting and gaslighting make people run for the hills. Get help, before it's too late. I am engaging with you right now, but that will stop. Soon others will drift as well. The best way to deal with abusive behavior when someone won't change is to stop enabling, stop reasoning and distance yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

Op here. You made me feel like absolute sh-t with what you wrote so I hope you’re happy and got what you needed out of doing this.

If I had your number I’d give it to my mom and I’m sure you would enjoy each other’s company and talk for hours together like the generous, better person you are.

I think this responder actually has some valid points. The responses to cut off the mom only serves to put Op on a therapist's couch for decades. She already feels tremendous guilt.
There are ways to deal with people like this but the basics is that things won't change and that mom is deeply flawed. Mom herself needs to accept things won't change. Managing expectations is missing here.

Agree. OP's vitriolic response to a differing perspective and legitimate criticism is a red flag.

I also find it unusual that just about every poster complaining about a parent prefaces it by saying they were physically, mentally or emotionally abused in some way. The intent of which is to immediately place the burden of blame on the parent.

I'm not doubting that some have been abused but I do wonder about this. Is it physical abuse to make a small child hold your hand when crossing the street? Is it emotional abuse to tell a child they won't always be the first/best/winner and to learn to lose graciously? Is it mental abuse to withhold games before homework is completed?

Actual psychologist here.

Cutting off toxic people does not keep people in therapy. Toxic relationships do.

Parents are to blame for abuse, not children nor adult children.

I have never met a single person who uses the examples you’ve given, or other trivial examples, as examples of abuse.

OP is not the “red flag” person in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anecdotes aren't a mental healthcare plan. I trust OP to know when she is at the end of her mental resilience and needs a break. It's telling that you do not.

For every person you shame and berate, you are creating another link in that chain you claim to dislike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

They always seem to crawl out from under the bridge. You chose to have children and they are adorable. Their sweet little baby smiles are what keep you going changing diapers and dealing withe the bewitching hour. As they grow and mature their are so many rewards that keep you going through the hard times.

Nobody chose to have an abusive parent crying and screaming to manipulate. No cute smiles to keep you going and the period of neediness often lasts far longer than babyhood and toddlerhood. And they get worse and more abusive.

You poster need to deal with you own demons. This seems to be personal for you. I see the tactics in your writing-the attempts at shaming and guilt-tripping. Your insults are noticed. Here is some advice poster- you are not going to get anywhere with this. Ayre it may have worked for a while, but long term shaming, guilt tripping, insulting and gaslighting make people run for the hills. Get help, before it's too late. I am engaging with you right now, but that will stop. Soon others will drift as well. The best way to deal with abusive behavior when someone won't change is to stop enabling, stop reasoning and distance yourself.

I'm trying to encourage people to be their best selves while they still have a chance to. I already posted about our neighbor who killed herself because her adult children cut her off. If you don't care about the parents in these threads, care about the damning effects of their adult children by choosing this route.. Adult children are ADULTS, no longer children, and the suffering THEY cause in this world counts too.

Be careful with how you treat people. You are responsible for the pain and trauma your put out there in the world, too. It will haunt you. Be your best self. God gave you this situation as your cross to bear, and you can beat it will kindness and compassion if you chose to. Or not. That's YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

Op here. You made me feel like absolute sh-t with what you wrote so I hope you’re happy and got what you needed out of doing this.

If I had your number I’d give it to my mom and I’m sure you would enjoy each other’s company and talk for hours together like the generous, better person you are.

I think this responder actually has some valid points. The responses to cut off the mom only serves to put Op on a therapist's couch for decades. She already feels tremendous guilt.
There are ways to deal with people like this but the basics is that things won't change and that mom is deeply flawed. Mom herself needs to accept things won't change. Managing expectations is missing here.

Agree. OP's vitriolic response to a differing perspective and legitimate criticism is a red flag.

I also find it unusual that just about every poster complaining about a parent prefaces it by saying they were physically, mentally or emotionally abused in some way. The intent of which is to immediately place the burden of blame on the parent.

I'm not doubting that some have been abused but I do wonder about this. Is it physical abuse to make a small child hold your hand when crossing the street? Is it emotional abuse to tell a child they won't always be the first/best/winner and to learn to lose graciously? Is it mental abuse to withhold games before homework is completed?

Actual psychologist here.

Cutting off toxic people does not keep people in therapy. Toxic relationships do.

Parents are to blame for abuse, not children nor adult children.

I have never met a single person who uses the examples you’ve given, or other trivial examples, as examples of abuse.

OP is not the “red flag” person in this thread.

Keep reading DCUM and you will see plenty of these examples, usually at the end of long threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

They always seem to crawl out from under the bridge. You chose to have children and they are adorable. Their sweet little baby smiles are what keep you going changing diapers and dealing withe the bewitching hour. As they grow and mature their are so many rewards that keep you going through the hard times.

Nobody chose to have an abusive parent crying and screaming to manipulate. No cute smiles to keep you going and the period of neediness often lasts far longer than babyhood and toddlerhood. And they get worse and more abusive.

You poster need to deal with you own demons. This seems to be personal for you. I see the tactics in your writing-the attempts at shaming and guilt-tripping. Your insults are noticed. Here is some advice poster- you are not going to get anywhere with this. Ayre it may have worked for a while, but long term shaming, guilt tripping, insulting and gaslighting make people run for the hills. Get help, before it's too late. I am engaging with you right now, but that will stop. Soon others will drift as well. The best way to deal with abusive behavior when someone won't change is to stop enabling, stop reasoning and distance yourself.

I'm trying to encourage people to be their best selves while they still have a chance to. I already posted about our neighbor who killed herself because her adult children cut her off. If you don't care about the parents in these threads, care about the damning effects of their adult children by choosing this route.. Adult children are ADULTS, no longer children, and the suffering THEY cause in this world counts too.

Be careful with how you treat people. You are responsible for the pain and trauma your put out there in the world, too. It will haunt you. Be your best self. God gave you this situation as your cross to bear, and you can beat it will kindness and compassion if you chose to. Or not. That's YOU.

Yeah, nobody is responsible for any adult's decision to commit suicide, and no adult has that much power over another. Suicide is never just about one person not loving you enough.

You are really outing yourself as a manipulator.

[Anonymous]

You stop being tortured and you stop focusing on the unreasonable behavior of a known unreasonable person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

They always seem to crawl out from under the bridge. You chose to have children and they are adorable. Their sweet little baby smiles are what keep you going changing diapers and dealing withe the bewitching hour. As they grow and mature their are so many rewards that keep you going through the hard times.

Nobody chose to have an abusive parent crying and screaming to manipulate. No cute smiles to keep you going and the period of neediness often lasts far longer than babyhood and toddlerhood. And they get worse and more abusive.

You poster need to deal with you own demons. This seems to be personal for you. I see the tactics in your writing-the attempts at shaming and guilt-tripping. Your insults are noticed. Here is some advice poster- you are not going to get anywhere with this. Ayre it may have worked for a while, but long term shaming, guilt tripping, insulting and gaslighting make people run for the hills. Get help, before it's too late. I am engaging with you right now, but that will stop. Soon others will drift as well. The best way to deal with abusive behavior when someone won't change is to stop enabling, stop reasoning and distance yourself.

I'm trying to encourage people to be their best selves while they still have a chance to. I already posted about our neighbor who killed herself because her adult children cut her off. If you don't care about the parents in these threads, care about the damning effects of their adult children by choosing this route.. Adult children are ADULTS, no longer children, and the suffering THEY cause in this world counts too.

Be careful with how you treat people. You are responsible for the pain and trauma your put out there in the world, too. It will haunt you. Be your best self. God gave you this situation as your cross to bear, and you can beat it will kindness and compassion if you chose to. Or not. That's YOU.

Apparently, you don't really think "not" is an option, because you keep haranguing people about their choices. If they get to have that choice, how about you just let them exert it and go on about your business?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

They always seem to crawl out from under the bridge. You chose to have children and they are adorable. Their sweet little baby smiles are what keep you going changing diapers and dealing withe the bewitching hour. As they grow and mature their are so many rewards that keep you going through the hard times.

Nobody chose to have an abusive parent crying and screaming to manipulate. No cute smiles to keep you going and the period of neediness often lasts far longer than babyhood and toddlerhood. And they get worse and more abusive.

You poster need to deal with you own demons. This seems to be personal for you. I see the tactics in your writing-the attempts at shaming and guilt-tripping. Your insults are noticed. Here is some advice poster- you are not going to get anywhere with this. Ayre it may have worked for a while, but long term shaming, guilt tripping, insulting and gaslighting make people run for the hills. Get help, before it's too late. I am engaging with you right now, but that will stop. Soon others will drift as well. The best way to deal with abusive behavior when someone won't change is to stop enabling, stop reasoning and distance yourself.

I'm trying to encourage people to be their best selves while they still have a chance to. I already posted about our neighbor who killed herself because her adult children cut her off. If you don't care about the parents in these threads, care about the damning effects of their adult children by choosing this route.. Adult children are ADULTS, no longer children, and the suffering THEY cause in this world counts too.

Be careful with how you treat people. You are responsible for the pain and trauma your put out there in the world, too. It will haunt you. Be your best self. God gave you this situation as your cross to bear, and you can beat it will kindness and compassion if you chose to. Or not. That's YOU.

Yeah, nobody is responsible for any adult's decision to commit suicide, and no adult has that much power over another. Suicide is never just about one person not loving you enough.

You are really outing yourself as a manipulator.

Where was it posted that suicide was about not being loved enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

They always seem to crawl out from under the bridge. You chose to have children and they are adorable. Their sweet little baby smiles are what keep you going changing diapers and dealing withe the bewitching hour. As they grow and mature their are so many rewards that keep you going through the hard times.

Nobody chose to have an abusive parent crying and screaming to manipulate. No cute smiles to keep you going and the period of neediness often lasts far longer than babyhood and toddlerhood. And they get worse and more abusive.

You poster need to deal with you own demons. This seems to be personal for you. I see the tactics in your writing-the attempts at shaming and guilt-tripping. Your insults are noticed. Here is some advice poster- you are not going to get anywhere with this. Ayre it may have worked for a while, but long term shaming, guilt tripping, insulting and gaslighting make people run for the hills. Get help, before it's too late. I am engaging with you right now, but that will stop. Soon others will drift as well. The best way to deal with abusive behavior when someone won't change is to stop enabling, stop reasoning and distance yourself.

I'm trying to encourage people to be their best selves while they still have a chance to. I already posted about our neighbor who killed herself because her adult children cut her off. If you don't care about the parents in these threads, care about the damning effects of their adult children by choosing this route.. Adult children are ADULTS, no longer children, and the suffering THEY cause in this world counts too.

Be careful with how you treat people. You are responsible for the pain and trauma your put out there in the world, too. It will haunt you. Be your best self. God gave you this situation as your cross to bear, and you can beat it will kindness and compassion if you chose to. Or not. That's YOU.

Apparently, you don't really think "not" is an option, because you keep haranguing people about their choices. If they get to have that choice, how about you just let them exert it and go on about your business?

How about if you do?

[Anonymous]

I'm not the one telling people what to do, then saying it's their choice, and then rinse and repeat about what to do again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

They always seem to crawl out from under the bridge. You chose to have children and they are adorable. Their sweet little baby smiles are what keep you going changing diapers and dealing withe the bewitching hour. As they grow and mature their are so many rewards that keep you going through the hard times.

Nobody chose to have an abusive parent crying and screaming to manipulate. No cute smiles to keep you going and the period of neediness often lasts far longer than babyhood and toddlerhood. And they get worse and more abusive.

You poster need to deal with you own demons. This seems to be personal for you. I see the tactics in your writing-the attempts at shaming and guilt-tripping. Your insults are noticed. Here is some advice poster- you are not going to get anywhere with this. Ayre it may have worked for a while, but long term shaming, guilt tripping, insulting and gaslighting make people run for the hills. Get help, before it's too late. I am engaging with you right now, but that will stop. Soon others will drift as well. The best way to deal with abusive behavior when someone won't change is to stop enabling, stop reasoning and distance yourself.

I'm trying to encourage people to be their best selves while they still have a chance to. I already posted about our neighbor who killed herself because her adult children cut her off. If you don't care about the parents in these threads, care about the damning effects of their adult children by choosing this route.. Adult children are ADULTS, no longer children, and the suffering THEY cause in this world counts too.

Be careful with how you treat people. You are responsible for the pain and trauma your put out there in the world, too. It will haunt you. Be your best self. God gave you this situation as your cross to bear, and you can beat it will kindness and compassion if you chose to. Or not. That's YOU.

Yeah, nobody is responsible for any adult's decision to commit suicide, and no adult has that much power over another. Suicide is never just about one person not loving you enough.

You are really outing yourself as a manipulator.

You don't even miss a beat. You're like, "Eh, her suicide is not her kids' problem." That's not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not the one telling people what to do, then saying it's their choice, and then rinse and repeat about what to do again.

Yes you are.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. Not sure how to tell you to hang up the phone but I do suggest you keep calling once a week.

My main suggestion is that you supplement with cards. Get a variety box with a roll of stamps. Send two to three cards a month. Have grandkids if any send a picture or card once a month.