Elderly parent phone call agony

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom also thinks it's rude to talk while I'm running errands or folding laundry. I sometimes do it anyway if I have to and she rolls with it. She's happiest when I Zoom with my camera on and staring into the screen with my listening face on. It's ok with me, because I recognize for example that I really prefer when my DH is actively listening to me, making eye contact occasionally, saying mmhmm sometimes.

Thank you. Why do younger people think actually looking at and paying attention to the person you are speaking with is so much to ask for? It is common courtesy (i.e. Human 101).

[Anonymous]

If you spend 1/2 hour a week with the only mother you will ever have...and feel the need to multi-task...you have issues with time management, and prioritizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's traumatized you and then somehow made you feel bad about it, and now she's controlling the communication too. If I were you, I wouldn't feel like I owed her anything. But a 30 minute once a week call is plenty. I wouldn't hesitate to tidy up my room (how would she even know?) or fold laundry while talking to her. At the 30 minute mark say "I love you mom, gotta go!" And then hang up before she can scream and cry. No extra warnings. Don't give her the power. She has the power and she doesn't deserve the power. She was not a good mom, you are being a good daughter despite that, and that is good enough.

This is what my dh, who has a similar dynamic with his mom, does. She has the nerve to act offended when he calls while driving. His work involves a lot of driving, sometimes for an hour. That crazy b is lucky he even talks to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother has obvious issues.

But I do relate to her request that you focus on the call when you are talking to her (she probably looks forward to that all week).

I hate when people multitask when they are supposedly giving you their attention. It is obvious, and hurtful.

But, you need to tell her ahead of time how much time you have for the call. Set a timer, and tell her sorry that you need to do X.

As a mom, I think 45 minutes or one hour is not that much for two people to connect once a week (i.e., explain all of their news, especially if you have children). But regardless you are allowed to set boundaries. I think you should tell her in advance so she can prioritize her topics.

If the "multitask call" is your only option, you take it gratefully. I'm assuming you haven't abused the caller when they were a child in your care. If it is a friend or peer, I understand being irritated, but being hurt by it is over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom also thinks it's rude to talk while I'm running errands or folding laundry. I sometimes do it anyway if I have to and she rolls with it. She's happiest when I Zoom with my camera on and staring into the screen with my listening face on. It's ok with me, because I recognize for example that I really prefer when my DH is actively listening to me, making eye contact occasionally, saying mmhmm sometimes.

Thank you. Why do younger people think actually looking at and paying attention to the person you are speaking with is so much to ask for? It is common courtesy (i.e. Human 101).

Not if it hurts to be in touch with them. We're talking about an abusive parent and now grown child who is trying to do the "right thing" while also protecting themself emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you spend 1/2 hour a week with the only mother you will ever have...and feel the need to multi-task...you have issues with time management, and prioritizing.

Readers of dcum, I’d like to formally introduce my mother, 86 year old Bonnie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

They always seem to crawl out from under the bridge. You chose to have children and they are adorable. Their sweet little baby smiles are what keep you going changing diapers and dealing withe the bewitching hour. As they grow and mature their are so many rewards that keep you going through the hard times.

Nobody chose to have an abusive parent crying and screaming to manipulate. No cute smiles to keep you going and the period of neediness often lasts far longer than babyhood and toddlerhood. And they get worse and more abusive.

You poster need to deal with you own demons. This seems to be personal for you. I see the tactics in your writing-the attempts at shaming and guilt-tripping. Your insults are noticed. Here is some advice poster- you are not going to get anywhere with this. Ayre it may have worked for a while, but long term shaming, guilt tripping, insulting and gaslighting make people run for the hills. Get help, before it's too late. I am engaging with you right now, but that will stop. Soon others will drift as well. The best way to deal with abusive behavior when someone won't change is to stop enabling, stop reasoning and distance yourself.

I'm trying to encourage people to be their best selves while they still have a chance to. I already posted about our neighbor who killed herself because her adult children cut her off. If you don't care about the parents in these threads, care about the damning effects of their adult children by choosing this route.. Adult children are ADULTS, no longer children, and the suffering THEY cause in this world counts too.

Be careful with how you treat people. You are responsible for the pain and trauma your put out there in the world, too. It will haunt you. Be your best self. God gave you this situation as your cross to bear, and you can beat it will kindness and compassion if you chose to. Or not. That's YOU.

She killed herself because she was mentally ill enough to actually do it. Her children bear no responsibility for her unfortunate choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As long as we are posting about Mary Oliver, there is this: Poem For My Fathers Ghost.

Now is my father
A traveler, like all the bold men
He talked of, endlessly
And with boundless admiration,
Over the supper table,
Or gazing up from his white pillow –
Book on his lap, always, until
Even that grew too heavy to hold.
Now is my father free of all binding fevers
Now is my father
Traveling where there is no road
Finally, he could not lift a hand
To cover his eyes.
Now he climbs to the eye of the river,
He strides through the Dakotas,
He disappears into the mountains.
And though he looks
Cold and hungry as any man
At the end of a questing season,
He is one of them now:
He cannot be stopped.
Now is my father
Walking the wind,
Sniffing the deep Pacific
That begins at the end of the world.
Vanished from us utterly,
Now is my father circling the deepest forest –
Then turning in to the last red campfire burning
In the final hills,
Where chieftains, warriors and heroes
Rise and make him welcome,
Recognizing, under the shambles of his body,
A brother who has walked his thousand miles.

"Written after his death, this poem, an elegy to Oliver’s father is, in the words of Matthew Gindin, a poem whose shattering generosity – given that Oliver’s father sexually abused her when she was a child – can produce nothing but a kind of stunned reverence. Perhaps this could serve as a reminder to us that love can and does conquer all..."

Most people who post on DCUM wailing about their parents aren't talking about parents who sexually abused them so this is not appropriate -- it just justified going to the extreme when it's not necessary.. OP didn't mention sexual abuse. Yes posters always encourage people to cut off their parents, as if they had done the worst imaginable things to their children. It's wrong and frankly mentally ill.

OP, my neighbor was an alcoholic. Her very young adult AC moved away and stopped talking to her. She was in so much pain over them, constantly saying how much she missed them. We all felt so sorry for her. Yes, for HER, even though we all knew she was an alcoholic and that must have been very difficult for her children to deal with. They did a horrible thing by cutting her off. They did that on purpose. After about a year she killed herself. We watched the police go in and get her body. Now her children have THAT to deal with for the rest of their lives, instead of their alcoholic mom. That's a scar that will never heal.

To the posters who advocate this lunacy -- for every person you convince to cut off their own parent, who is not actively abusing them, you are creating another link in your own chain.

That drunk beotchs' suicide was a final act of abuse of her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom also thinks it's rude to talk while I'm running errands or folding laundry. I sometimes do it anyway if I have to and she rolls with it. She's happiest when I Zoom with my camera on and staring into the screen with my listening face on. It's ok with me, because I recognize for example that I really prefer when my DH is actively listening to me, making eye contact occasionally, saying mmhmm sometimes.

Thank you. Why do younger people think actually looking at and paying attention to the person you are speaking with is so much to ask for? It is common courtesy (i.e. Human 101).

Not if it hurts to be in touch with them. We're talking about an abusive parent and now grown child who is trying to do the "right thing" while also protecting themself emotionally.

That is not what the post you are responding to was about. It was about people who choose to spend time with their parents but are complaining about giving them the time of day when they are together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe Jeff needs to come in and review the IP address(es) of the manipulative troll who always comes in to a) insist that all children must maintain relationships with their parents, no matter how terrible the parents are; and 2) insists that everywhere else in the entire world is much better than the US in terms of parent-adult children relationships. Also probably the same troll who 3) insists moving parents to assisted living is monstrous; and 4) opposes end-of-life decisions to discontinue interventions that are only prolonging life, because quantity over quality.

But in any event -- to the OP and to others who have posted similar stories -- I'm a living example of someone who cut my narcissistic, alcoholic, abusive father off twenty years ago now. After much therapy, I realized that there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I could do to set boundaries that my father would respect. It didn't matter if I asked nicely, if I explained my feelings, if I reasoned with him, or if I yelled at him or ignored him. My feelings do not matter and have never mattered to him.

My father did not attend my wedding and he's never met any of my three children. He's now 84 and will likely die soon. I'm sure I might be a little sad, but I did most of my mourning twenty years ago in mourning the fantasy of having a good dad who would love and respect me. His death will the end of any possibility of rapprochement, but he chooses not to change and I choose not to subject myself or my family to his abusive behavior. Done and done.

I posted before this in "Website feedback" with a thread entitled "Is this the same person." I don't think Jeff read this thread all that closely because he saw the person as providing another perspective and not going over the line. That makes sense in many cases, but I think he missed the fact OP is an child abuse survivor and the tactics used by the poster crossed the line IMO. Regardless, not my website. Usually I agree with Jeff, but not on this case.

I saw that response from Jeff and had the same impression. He either didn't see it or simply didn't get it.

[Anonymous]

It is as if some of you think people deserve less respect once they are older, because they are lucky anyone is even talking to them at all.

It is shocking, and I kind of hope you get to feel that type of treatment when you become frail.

(And of course, that comment is not being made in relation to abusive parents. )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is as if some of you think people deserve less respect once they are older, because they are lucky anyone is even talking to them at all.

It is shocking, and I kind of hope you get to feel that type of treatment when you become frail.

(And of course, that comment is not being made in relation to abusive parents. )

We are talking about an abusive parent, so why are you shocked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you spend 1/2 hour a week with the only mother you will ever have...and feel the need to multi-task...you have issues with time management, and prioritizing.

If the only mother I had didn’t have time to make her only child regular meals, provide her with clean clothes and remember to pick her up from cold, dark schoolyards, I wouldn’t be here agonizing over those 30 minutes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you spend 1/2 hour a week with the only mother you will ever have...and feel the need to multi-task...you have issues with time management, and prioritizing.

Readers of dcum, I’d like to formally introduce my mother, 86 year old Bonnie.

Lol!! Sound like my mom, but she is just guilt-tripping. If she was hurling insults, rewriting history and bragging about how perfect she was as a mother (and denying abuse) then I’d insist it was my mommy dearest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's traumatized you and then somehow made you feel bad about it, and now she's controlling the communication too. If I were you, I wouldn't feel like I owed her anything. But a 30 minute once a week call is plenty. I wouldn't hesitate to tidy up my room (how would she even know?) or fold laundry while talking to her. At the 30 minute mark say "I love you mom, gotta go!" And then hang up before she can scream and cry. No extra warnings. Don't give her the power. She has the power and she doesn't deserve the power. She was not a good mom, you are being a good daughter despite that, and that is good enough.

This is what my dh, who has a similar dynamic with his mom, does. She has the nerve to act offended when he calls while driving. His work involves a lot of driving, sometimes for an hour. That crazy b is lucky he even talks to her.

Do you and your husband not get that talking on the phone while driving increases your crash risk the same as drunk driving? Cause it does.