People who never married, but wanted to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a wonderful woman who falls into this category. I’ve thought about why it never happened for her. The only things I can come up with is that she’s average looking, at best (although she is always very well put together) and too earnest. She doted on those men she did date to the point that I think they felt smothered. And maybe she was not good in bed? I hate saying that but on the surface it’s baffling why it never happened for her.

Everyone brushed this off but sometimes the woman is just not a catch. Yes, women pick and choose but men are allowed to be picky too.

There is a woman I know that lied and manipulated her way into getting married. She was not in love but wanted to have a kid and be taken care of and the guy she targeted was a catch on paper. They lasted a few years and have a kid but are now divorced b/c the facade the woman put on in the beginning was not sustainable long-term. She was a fake catch.

[Anonymous]

Np, traits that I see in women over 40 that have never married is that they are generally high strung, self-centered, and lack self-awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a wonderful woman who falls into this category. I’ve thought about why it never happened for her. The only things I can come up with is that she’s average looking, at best (although she is always very well put together) and too earnest. She doted on those men she did date to the point that I think they felt smothered. And maybe she was not good in bed? I hate saying that but on the surface it’s baffling why it never happened for her.

Everyone brushed this off but sometimes the woman is just not a catch. Yes, women pick and choose but men are allowed to be picky too.

There is a woman I know that lied and manipulated her way into getting married. She was not in love but wanted to have a kid and be taken care of and the guy she targeted was a catch on paper. They lasted a few years and have a kid but are now divorced b/c the facade the woman put on in the beginning was not sustainable long-term. She was a fake catch.

I have a male friend like this. He mostly put on a facade of being successful but he was a fake catch.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me. Second wife. Younger. Really wanted a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to live in San Francisco and saw women maybe ten years older than me who had so much to offer and were single. They were beautiful, athletic, great jobs, the whole thing. And yet every guy I knew who wanted a girlfriend had one, even if they were schlubby, unemployed, whatever. I saw the writing on the wall and moved away.

In some cities the demographics just don’t work in a woman’s favor.

Or, an alternative explanation: These ladies do okay, have fulfilling social circles, get intimacy when they want to, and are are not saddled by conventional marriage. They like their lives and are satisfied, happy, fit, and independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What traits do you see in people you know who are 40 or above and have never married, but wanted to?

AA women. No correlation to personality traits. A lot of correlation with social class (wealthier AA women I know are more likely than the lower income ones to have married).

I say this as an AA woman. I’ve been married twice. Once around 30 to a white man and that last 5 years. My second marriage is to an AA man and has lasted over a decade.

+1 as an AA woman. I have a couple AA women friends 35+ never married. Intelligent, attractive, good people. One was in a long-term relationship with a dud, another has very high criteria and desires a Black man of a certain caliber, which limits the dating pool significantly. PP, I’m very curious about your first marriage. My DH is white and things have been rocky lately (not race related but in general :/)

[Anonymous]

They didn't want to

that is honestly what I believe

[Anonymous]

Another AA woman here. I’m 40 and never married. The trait I had was not dating with marriage in mind. I had only dated black men. Quite a few of them grew up in single parent households. I happily accepted the rhetoric they didn’t believe in marriage as an institution. I took that instead of honoring my own values. After being dumped quite a few times — the self esteem blows caused me to hit the books and obtain advanced degrees/ professional certifications. All of this to make myself better or marriage material. It never panned out. I consider myself beautiful, warm, smart, in shape, financially savvy and I’m a decent cook. I’ve tried to date the scale and there is either some power struggle ( then over me) or inverse power struggle ( me over them). I have given up. I may be in the wrong city/state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a wonderful woman who falls into this category. I’ve thought about why it never happened for her. The only things I can come up with is that she’s average looking, at best (although she is always very well put together) and too earnest. She doted on those men she did date to the point that I think they felt smothered. And maybe she was not good in bed? I hate saying that but on the surface it’s baffling why it never happened for her.

Everyone brushed this off but sometimes the woman is just not a catch. Yes, women pick and choose but men are allowed to be picky too.

There is a woman I know that lied and manipulated her way into getting married. She was not in love but wanted to have a kid and be taken care of and the guy she targeted was a catch on paper. They lasted a few years and have a kid but are now divorced b/c the facade the woman put on in the beginning was not sustainable long-term. She was a fake catch.

I know a woman who did this -- just adopted a new personality and carefully edited her life story in order to land a man that she targeted specifically for this purpose (she knew of him through other people but was not introduced to him through them -- she tracked him down through a dating app which was the first of several manipulative behaviors she engaged in). They married and had a kid and are still married, but it's only been about 5 years and she's very reliant on him financially at the moment. I'm curious to see what happens with it.

One thing I've contemplated is that in pretending to be the woman she correctly thought this guy would want to marry, she just kind of became that woman? If so, neat trick. She used to be incredibly vain, self-centered, mean spirited, and manipulative. That's not the woman he married though. Maybe she actually changed for the better in order to land the man she wanted, in which case, I guess a good outcome all around.

But we'll see. They say true colors always surface.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The one person I know like this is in her 50s now. I believe the reason she never married is that she likes to be right all the time and everyone around her must agree with her. Anyone who has a different opinion she deems as “arguing” with her and she just cuts off the relationship. She has done this with guys she’s dated and also friends and family.

It is exhausting being around her and she turns very mean when people disagree with her. So, as you can imagine, people have pulled away from her to a large extent.

This sounds like the person has some kind of mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This one is easy. They all spent too many years in their prime dating years in dead end relationships.

Ages 22-32 are really the key. And without sounding like an incel, even 32 is pushing it. It is not because women become less attractive, blah blah blah but because almost all the so-called good men (educated, kind, attractive, family-oriented) are married or in serious relationships by age 33 and the few that aren't date younger.

Of the 5 women I know who remained single, all of them stayed with loser boyfriends or didn't prioritize dating in these prime years. It's not fair but life's not fair.

+1

Women living with guys who never are going to marry them. They hang on way too long to a dead end.

This is what I have seen happen as well. It's why you shouldn't move in until there is a proposal, if you want to actually get married. You really need to date to get married, if you want to get married.

That book “All The Rules (the time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right” was popular in my mid 20s . It came out in 1995. I think it was even woven into some SATC episodes. We all read it and everyone used to joke and laugh about it back then…while secretly doing many of the things it suggested.

[Anonymous]

Most of my female friends fall into this category, I think. They just have high standards, and no reason to settle down with the wrong guy/wrong relationship. They don't seem to lack for companionship when they want it. Several have longterm partners they don't seem in a rush to marry (what's the point?)

Having gone through a disastrous marriage/kid situation myself, I do not feel bad for them for a SINGLE SECOND.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to live in San Francisco and saw women maybe ten years older than me who had so much to offer and were single. They were beautiful, athletic, great jobs, the whole thing. And yet every guy I knew who wanted a girlfriend had one, even if they were schlubby, unemployed, whatever. I saw the writing on the wall and moved away.

In some cities the demographics just don’t work in a woman’s favor.

It's true, a lot of it is demographics. I also think part of it is truly men being intimidated. I know this is a well-trodden cliche, but that's for a reason. IMO a lot of men want to be in a relationship that doesnt threaten their ego- a high earning, beautiful, fit woman who is confident and well spoken is going to hold her own in the relationship. A needy, insecure woman, with a less important job, earning less money, maybe less attractive, is probably going to sense this and bend herself over backwards for her man. And at the end of the day, THAT is what a lot of men want from a woman. Some woman he knows will baby him, run around after him, and treat him like a king, even if he's a slob or a loser.

It's not insecurity, it's common sense. Marriage is a partnership. Everyone wants to make sure they are bringing something to the table. For some men, , the easiest way for them to feel useful in a relationship is by spoiling their partner financially.

When they feel like they cannot because their partners are high earning and/ or seemingly self sufficient, they have to find other ways, and it just seems like more work.

But there are plenty of ways to contribute to a relationship: be good at fixing things, be great with children, be very caring, being good at cooking etc.

Some men just don't want to put in that effort when they can move on to the next woman who is content with them spoiling them with financial things and status. Why try harder when what you have to offer is perfectly fine for the next woman?

I have friends in loving relationships with men who make half of what these women make. These men put in the work: they cook, they fix things around the house, they take care of the kids etc. Other men may decide that it's easier when you bring in the bacon. So they go for women who see bringing home the bacon as a good enough contribution. Financially successful women will not.

I am not even financially successful compared to my DH but his salary would not have impressed me, because I have the potential to make much more than he does. I was impressed by how caring he was and how helpful he was around the house. Why should a man who is not that helpful go for a woman like me when it's going to end in disappointment? I say these men are smart to choose women who would be happy with the contributions that they are willing to make.

Cool. Now do the men who NEITHER "spoil" financially OR do anything around the house ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This one is easy. They all spent too many years in their prime dating years in dead end relationships.

Ages 22-32 are really the key. And without sounding like an incel, even 32 is pushing it. It is not because women become less attractive, blah blah blah but because almost all the so-called good men (educated, kind, attractive, family-oriented) are married or in serious relationships by age 33 and the few that aren't date younger.

Of the 5 women I know who remained single, all of them stayed with loser boyfriends or didn't prioritize dating in these prime years. It's not fair but life's not fair.

Are all those 5 women alone now? I call bullsh*t on that. My friends who didn't marry have boyfriends/partners. Perhaps these women put off getting married because ... they didn't want to get married to the wrong person? Believe me, it's pretty easy to force a marriage at 35 if you want to go down that path.

[Anonymous]

I know several women in DC who wanted to get married but haven’t yet.

-I know for a fact that at least one got herpes in college. Her dating life came to a standstill once she discovered it. She’s gorgeous by any standard. Professionally successful. Kind. Fun. But I think it became something she couldn’t navigate when dating so she just gave up.

-I know 2 women with advanced degrees/great jobs, but they seem to have personality disorders or are just immature and self-centered. Both are pushing 50. Rarely date, and when they do it never lasts. Both have fur babies (and I think that’s telling).