People who never married, but wanted to

[Anonymous]

Low self esteem and won’t put herself out there in any way combined with exceedingly high standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know 3 women like this. All very smart, outgoing, interesting careers but not all-consuming, were really pretty and thin in their 20s. It’s kind of unexplainable to me, but one thing they have in common is they were all treated like precious princesses by their parents. One was a wealthy, only child, for example. I’m not sure how that affects them today. Just something I noticed.

A relative of mine is in her mid-40s and single. Still daddy’s little girl. When things aren’t right her he sweeps in and fixes them. She had a long term boyfriend her father liked but again, daddy always knew best. Ultimately, her parents were and continue to be overly involved in her life, even driving her everywhere because she hates driving. At this point her priority is being a daughter not a wife.

Omg this is my DH’s cousin. She’s a nice girl, good job, pretty, well dressed but she is completely spoiled by her parents and a princess. Still single and living in her home that her parents helped her buy.

PP again. Yup, same thing. Parents paid for her condo after she moved back in with them for a few years to "save up." I think at this point a grounded man with goals would challenge the status quo for her too much-- he'd have to be willing to be married to her parents as well and spend every weekend with them. I don't think she really has room in her life for someone like that, unless she marries a pushover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to live in San Francisco and saw women maybe ten years older than me who had so much to offer and were single. They were beautiful, athletic, great jobs, the whole thing. And yet every guy I knew who wanted a girlfriend had one, even if they were schlubby, unemployed, whatever. I saw the writing on the wall and moved away.

In some cities the demographics just don’t work in a woman’s favor.

Yes very true in nyc - the men prefer to wait until 33-35 to even start thinking about marriage

Man here and among my circle of friends (all college educated, decent careers) all of them waited until around then to get married, and some as late as 40. There was no sense of urgency in our 20s.

And I think this is where there are problems that surface. The men do not think of marriage at the same time but women are conditioned to find an equal here so when I dated older guys I just found myself feeling like it wasn’t right because I didn’t have as much to offer. I think women in other countries are more conditioned to date older guys. To me it just felt weird. I wanted a best friend who enjoyed the same shows and had a similar upbringing. Could laugh at the same 80s and 90s jokes etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not focusing on finding a partner early enough. Many woman focus on school, career thinking they have a lot of time. It's pretty much a 15 year window.

That's not too much time to kiss many frogs before you find your prince. You can prioritize school, career and marriage at the same time. I have friends who married in their early 20s and waited 10 years to have kids.

Another trait which is related to the first one is staying too long in bad relationships. If you've dated a guy for a year after the age of 24, you should know if he is marriage material or not. Some women tend to drag it longer because of "love".

This was me in a nutshell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an early millennial who got married a long time ago so have seen this play out.

1. Women staying too long in dead-end relationships, especially live-in, during prime dating years.

2. Dating men who are unavailable and very exacting standards that only 2% of men meet who are in intense demand on the dating market (tall, ric, etc). Not prioritizing marriage going into late 30s when eligible men are off the market.

3. Dating apps perpetual cycle.

4.

Going to med school or law school after a few year gap after undergrad. Messes with timeframes plus moving around cities.

5. Conservative religious background and broken engagement

This is also me. Geez. Wish I had this thread when I was 17.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to live in San Francisco and saw women maybe ten years older than me who had so much to offer and were single. They were beautiful, athletic, great jobs, the whole thing. And yet every guy I knew who wanted a girlfriend had one, even if they were schlubby, unemployed, whatever. I saw the writing on the wall and moved away.

In some cities the demographics just don’t work in a woman’s favor.

I think this is a huge factor, too. It’s one reason I chose to move to a different location, similar to what PP describes. But the more I think about this question, I am not sure I know many women who really wanted to be married and are not. Most of my friends who are single over 40 didn’t necessarily want to be married and at least one of them actually turned down boyfriends who wanted a more conventional life (marriage, kids). On balance, I would say they are probably a little less happy or satisfied with life than my married friends, but not in every case, and I don’t know if that is related to marriage status or not…

Also true in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to live in San Francisco and saw women maybe ten years older than me who had so much to offer and were single. They were beautiful, athletic, great jobs, the whole thing. And yet every guy I knew who wanted a girlfriend had one, even if they were schlubby, unemployed, whatever. I saw the writing on the wall and moved away.

In some cities the demographics just don’t work in a woman’s favor.

It's true, a lot of it is demographics. I also think part of it is truly men being intimidated. I know this is a well-trodden cliche, but that's for a reason. IMO a lot of men want to be in a relationship that doesnt threaten their ego- a high earning, beautiful, fit woman who is confident and well spoken is going to hold her own in the relationship. A needy, insecure woman, with a less important job, earning less money, maybe less attractive, is probably going to sense this and bend herself over backwards for her man. And at the end of the day, THAT is what a lot of men want from a woman. Some woman he knows will baby him, run around after him, and treat him like a king, even if he's a slob or a loser.

It's not insecurity, it's common sense. Marriage is a partnership. Everyone wants to make sure they are bringing something to the table. For some men, , the easiest way for them to feel useful in a relationship is by spoiling their partner financially.

When they feel like they cannot because their partners are high earning and/ or seemingly self sufficient, they have to find other ways, and it just seems like more work.

But there are plenty of ways to contribute to a relationship: be good at fixing things, be great with children, be very caring, being good at cooking etc.

Some men just don't want to put in that effort when they can move on to the next woman who is content with them spoiling them with financial things and status. Why try harder when what you have to offer is perfectly fine for the next woman?

I have friends in loving relationships with men who make half of what these women make. These men put in the work: they cook, they fix things around the house, they take care of the kids etc. Other men may decide that it's easier when you bring in the bacon. So they go for women who see bringing home the bacon as a good enough contribution. Financially successful women will not.

I am not even financially successful compared to my DH but his salary would not have impressed me, because I have the potential to make much more than he does. I was impressed by how caring he was and how helpful he was around the house. Why should a man who is not that helpful go for a woman like me when it's going to end in disappointment? I say these men are smart to choose women who would be happy with the contributions that they are willing to make.

Well, the obvious Darwinian argument is because you want the best offspring possibly and the beautiful, highly educated woman is going to give that to you better than the average looking, not super smart/ambitious woman.

But men have never really been great at long term thinking when it comes to mating. Theyre very convenience focused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know 3 women like this. All very smart, outgoing, interesting careers but not all-consuming, were really pretty and thin in their 20s. It’s kind of unexplainable to me, but one thing they have in common is they were all treated like precious princesses by their parents. One was a wealthy, only child, for example. I’m not sure how that affects them today. Just something I noticed.

A relative of mine is in her mid-40s and single. Still daddy’s little girl. When things aren’t right her he sweeps in and fixes them. She had a long term boyfriend her father liked but again, daddy always knew best. Ultimately, her parents were and continue to be overly involved in her life, even driving her everywhere because she hates driving. At this point her priority is being a daughter not a wife.

Omg this is my DH’s cousin. She’s a nice girl, good job, pretty, well dressed but she is completely spoiled by her parents and a princess. Still single and living in her home that her parents helped her buy.

PP again. Yup, same thing. Parents paid for her condo after she moved back in with them for a few years to "save up." I think at this point a grounded man with goals would challenge the status quo for her too much-- he'd have to be willing to be married to her parents as well and spend every weekend with them. I don't think she really has room in her life for someone like that, unless she marries a pushover.

Yep, DH's cousin's best friend is her mom and they spend every weekend and vacation together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a wonderful woman who falls into this category. I’ve thought about why it never happened for her. The only things I can come up with is that she’s average looking, at best (although she is always very well put together) and too earnest. She doted on those men she did date to the point that I think they felt smothered. And maybe she was not good in bed? I hate saying that but on the surface it’s baffling why it never happened for her.

Everyone brushed this off but sometimes the woman is just not a catch. Yes, women pick and choose but men are allowed to be picky too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a wonderful woman who falls into this category. I’ve thought about why it never happened for her. The only things I can come up with is that she’s average looking, at best (although she is always very well put together) and too earnest. She doted on those men she did date to the point that I think they felt smothered. And maybe she was not good in bed? I hate saying that but on the surface it’s baffling why it never happened for her.

Everyone brushed this off but sometimes the woman is just not a catch. Yes, women pick and choose but men are allowed to be picky too.

But there are plenty of men who are not catches too. So the woman is picky would be the answer in this case: she is probably going for men she cannot get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a wonderful woman who falls into this category. I’ve thought about why it never happened for her. The only things I can come up with is that she’s average looking, at best (although she is always very well put together) and too earnest. She doted on those men she did date to the point that I think they felt smothered. And maybe she was not good in bed? I hate saying that but on the surface it’s baffling why it never happened for her.

Everyone brushed this off but sometimes the woman is just not a catch. Yes, women pick and choose but men are allowed to be picky too.

But there are plenty of men who are not catches too. So the woman is picky would be the answer in this case: she is probably going for men she cannot get.

Ok, but then you’re assuming that she dated first-rate guys. We really don’t know. Maybe even the 2nd tier men thought better. In short, you’re assuming that if she dipped low enough that she would’ve ended up with someone. But maybe it’s more than just the woman choosing.

[Anonymous]

Thinking of 2 I know best, probably both type A and would struggle to compromise/merge homes/give up some of their own traditions etc. Both very very close with their families. One is mid 40s the other mid 70s. Both very close with nieces/nephews and the family children. Both attractive and funny and have plenty of friends.

The 40 something comes from a very religious family and has always been really weird about dating and getting physical. Could that be from the religious family? Could she possibly prefer women but not feel like she can act on it because of her family? I'm not sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not focusing on finding a partner early enough. Many woman focus on school, career thinking they have a lot of time. It's pretty much a 15 year window.

That's not too much time to kiss many frogs before you find your prince. You can prioritize school, career and marriage at the same time. I have friends who married in their early 20s and waited 10 years to have kids.

Another trait which is related to the first one is staying too long in bad relationships. If you've dated a guy for a year after the age of 24, you should know if he is marriage material or not. Some women tend to drag it longer because of "love".

what kind of bullshit is this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to live in San Francisco and saw women maybe ten years older than me who had so much to offer and were single. They were beautiful, athletic, great jobs, the whole thing. And yet every guy I knew who wanted a girlfriend had one, even if they were schlubby, unemployed, whatever. I saw the writing on the wall and moved away.

In some cities the demographics just don’t work in a woman’s favor.

Yes very true in nyc - the men prefer to wait until 33-35 to even start thinking about marriage

Man here and among my circle of friends (all college educated, decent careers) all of them waited until around then to get married, and some as late as 40. There was no sense of urgency in our 20s.

Yeah but the guys marrying at age 35-40 are usually marrying slightly younger women.

Not that much younger. I think my situation was average. He was 36. I was 32. (Divorced a decade later)

[Anonymous]

The ones I know refuse to compromise and have impossibly high standards. Or they pick the wrong kind of man and then are baffled when it goes nowhere.

One that stands out to me is a highly accomplished physician who works constantly and has to be in control at all times. She's pretty enough and in good shape, but very intense. She could find someone if she was open to men who would support her and her career and let her run the show, but she is only attracted to men who like to be in charge while refusing to let anyone else take charge.