People who never married, but wanted to

[Anonymous]

What traits do you see in people you know who are 40 or above and have never married, but wanted to?

[Anonymous]

I know a wonderful woman who falls into this category. I’ve thought about why it never happened for her. The only things I can come up with is that she’s average looking, at best (although she is always very well put together) and too earnest. She doted on those men she did date to the point that I think they felt smothered. And maybe she was not good in bed? I hate saying that but on the surface it’s baffling why it never happened for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a wonderful woman who falls into this category. I’ve thought about why it never happened for her. The only things I can come up with is that she’s average looking, at best (although she is always very well put together) and too earnest. She doted on those men she did date to the point that I think they felt smothered. And maybe she was not good in bed? I hate saying that but on the surface it’s baffling why it never happened for her.

Unless you dated her, you have no idea whether she’s good in bed! That’s absurd!

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this. She’s very pretty, smart and kind, reasonably fit, good/interesting if not especially lucrative job… but has impossible standards. She wants a rich guy with family money (who doesn’t?) and has dated quite a few of them - she has never lacked for male attention including from “high value” men - but they always break up with her and marry the old boarding school classmate or some other woman from a similar family background.

[Anonymous]

High standards. And honestly, many of them seem happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a wonderful woman who falls into this category. I’ve thought about why it never happened for her. The only things I can come up with is that she’s average looking, at best (although she is always very well put together) and too earnest. She doted on those men she did date to the point that I think they felt smothered. And maybe she was not good in bed? I hate saying that but on the surface it’s baffling why it never happened for her.

Maybe she didn't really want to marry the men? Maybe there was something wrong with them and she couldn't overcome their deficiencies?

[Anonymous]

Not focusing on finding a partner early enough. Many woman focus on school, career thinking they have a lot of time. It's pretty much a 15 year window.

That's not too much time to kiss many frogs before you find your prince. You can prioritize school, career and marriage at the same time. I have friends who married in their early 20s and waited 10 years to have kids.

Another trait which is related to the first one is staying too long in bad relationships. If you've dated a guy for a year after the age of 24, you should know if he is marriage material or not. Some women tend to drag it longer because of "love".

[Anonymous]

I know 3 women like this. All very smart, outgoing, interesting careers but not all-consuming, were really pretty and thin in their 20s. It’s kind of unexplainable to me, but one thing they have in common is they were all treated like precious princesses by their parents. One was a wealthy, only child, for example. I’m not sure how that affects them today. Just something I noticed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know 3 women like this. All very smart, outgoing, interesting careers but not all-consuming, were really pretty and thin in their 20s. It’s kind of unexplainable to me, but one thing they have in common is they were all treated like precious princesses by their parents. One was a wealthy, only child, for example. I’m not sure how that affects them today. Just something I noticed.

Theyre probably not willing to settle for a man that just does the dregs for them, which is what most men do and desperate women accept because theyre afraid of being alone.

[Anonymous]

I used to live in San Francisco and saw women maybe ten years older than me who had so much to offer and were single. They were beautiful, athletic, great jobs, the whole thing. And yet every guy I knew who wanted a girlfriend had one, even if they were schlubby, unemployed, whatever. I saw the writing on the wall and moved away.

In some cities the demographics just don’t work in a woman’s favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to live in San Francisco and saw women maybe ten years older than me who had so much to offer and were single. They were beautiful, athletic, great jobs, the whole thing. And yet every guy I knew who wanted a girlfriend had one, even if they were schlubby, unemployed, whatever. I saw the writing on the wall and moved away.

In some cities the demographics just don’t work in a woman’s favor.

It's true, a lot of it is demographics. I also think part of it is truly men being intimidated. I know this is a well-trodden cliche, but that's for a reason. IMO a lot of men want to be in a relationship that doesnt threaten their ego- a high earning, beautiful, fit woman who is confident and well spoken is going to hold her own in the relationship. A needy, insecure woman, with a less important job, earning less money, maybe less attractive, is probably going to sense this and bend herself over backwards for her man. And at the end of the day, THAT is what a lot of men want from a woman. Some woman he knows will baby him, run around after him, and treat him like a king, even if he's a slob or a loser.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 friends like this -
One was engaged in her 20s and her fiancé was killed in a tragic accident. She has a condition that can cause seizures, so she never planned on having kids. She dates and seems happy.

One grew up in a super conservative religious family and also takes on a lot of caregiving responsibilities for her extended family which keeps her really busy. She has a lot of good friends and didn’t make time for dating in her 20s.

One is a college friend who is just really prickly. She is easily offended by pretty mundane things and will take something small and cut people off over it. 2/3 of the times I talk to her she is not talking to someone for some petty reason. She’s just really inflexible. Her “humor” can also be really sarcastic and self deprecating, which can be draining. When we lived close together, she was fun and we got along. From a distance, I call once in a while and mostly just listen to her complain about her family, her job, everything.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know. I have a good friend who hasn’t married. She grew up religious but that has softened over time I think… maybe not her belief but maybe she’s willing to not be so rigid. I secretly think she might be gay and her religion prevents her from acknowledging this. She has only dated one guy kind of casually in the 20 years I’ve know her and she didn’t sleep with him. She doesn’t seem sexual at all to me so maybe she’s asexual and not gay after all. She is a kind, loving person and good friend, but she doesn’t put herself together enough for anyone to think she’d be interested in dating.

[Anonymous]

It is so disappointing the way DCUM reverts to 1950s values so frequently.

[Anonymous]

My friend who is turning 50 this week and had a meltdown two years ago about how she ruined her life (she desperately wanted marriage and children) said she chose the wrong men, ignored men she should have considered and she thought she had time.