People who never married, but wanted to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to live in San Francisco and saw women maybe ten years older than me who had so much to offer and were single. They were beautiful, athletic, great jobs, the whole thing. And yet every guy I knew who wanted a girlfriend had one, even if they were schlubby, unemployed, whatever. I saw the writing on the wall and moved away.

In some cities the demographics just don’t work in a woman’s favor.

I think this is a huge factor, too. It’s one reason I chose to move to a different location, similar to what PP describes. But the more I think about this question, I am not sure I know many women who really wanted to be married and are not. Most of my friends who are single over 40 didn’t necessarily want to be married and at least one of them actually turned down boyfriends who wanted a more conventional life (marriage, kids). On balance, I would say they are probably a little less happy or satisfied with life than my married friends, but not in every case, and I don’t know if that is related to marriage status or not…

[Anonymous]

The people I know either seem immature and needy and intimidated by an actual partnership (rather than looking to a man for constant affirmation and affection) or I think have some underlying and unresolved issues- fear of abandonment, childhood religions repression or abuse that may interfere with sexual intimacy, or something else.

[Anonymous]

I'm an early millennial who got married a long time ago so have seen this play out.

1. Women staying too long in dead-end relationships, especially live-in, during prime dating years.

2. Dating men who are unavailable and very exacting standards that only 2% of men meet who are in intense demand on the dating market (tall, ric, etc). Not prioritizing marriage going into late 30s when eligible men are off the market.

3. Dating apps perpetual cycle.

4. Going to med school or law school after a few year gap after undergrad. Messes with timeframes plus moving around cities.

5. Conservative religious background and broken engagement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to live in San Francisco and saw women maybe ten years older than me who had so much to offer and were single. They were beautiful, athletic, great jobs, the whole thing. And yet every guy I knew who wanted a girlfriend had one, even if they were schlubby, unemployed, whatever. I saw the writing on the wall and moved away.

In some cities the demographics just don’t work in a woman’s favor.

It's true, a lot of it is demographics. I also think part of it is truly men being intimidated. I know this is a well-trodden cliche, but that's for a reason. IMO a lot of men want to be in a relationship that doesnt threaten their ego- a high earning, beautiful, fit woman who is confident and well spoken is going to hold her own in the relationship. A needy, insecure woman, with a less important job, earning less money, maybe less attractive, is probably going to sense this and bend herself over backwards for her man. And at the end of the day, THAT is what a lot of men want from a woman. Some woman he knows will baby him, run around after him, and treat him like a king, even if he's a slob or a loser.

It's not insecurity, it's common sense. Marriage is a partnership. Everyone wants to make sure they are bringing something to the table. For some men, , the easiest way for them to feel useful in a relationship is by spoiling their partner financially.

When they feel like they cannot because their partners are high earning and/ or seemingly self sufficient, they have to find other ways, and it just seems like more work.

But there are plenty of ways to contribute to a relationship: be good at fixing things, be great with children, be very caring, being good at cooking etc.

Some men just don't want to put in that effort when they can move on to the next woman who is content with them spoiling them with financial things and status. Why try harder when what you have to offer is perfectly fine for the next woman?

I have friends in loving relationships with men who make half of what these women make. These men put in the work: they cook, they fix things around the house, they take care of the kids etc. Other men may decide that it's easier when you bring in the bacon. So they go for women who see bringing home the bacon as a good enough contribution. Financially successful women will not.

I am not even financially successful compared to my DH but his salary would not have impressed me, because I have the potential to make much more than he does. I was impressed by how caring he was and how helpful he was around the house. Why should a man who is not that helpful go for a woman like me when it's going to end in disappointment? I say these men are smart to choose women who would be happy with the contributions that they are willing to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to live in San Francisco and saw women maybe ten years older than me who had so much to offer and were single. They were beautiful, athletic, great jobs, the whole thing. And yet every guy I knew who wanted a girlfriend had one, even if they were schlubby, unemployed, whatever. I saw the writing on the wall and moved away.

In some cities the demographics just don’t work in a woman’s favor.

Yes very true in nyc - the men prefer to wait until 33-35 to even start thinking about marriage

[Anonymous]

I think people underestimate how often these people just truly did not want to marry or were not emotionally available (a term used for men a lot, but applies to women too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to live in San Francisco and saw women maybe ten years older than me who had so much to offer and were single. They were beautiful, athletic, great jobs, the whole thing. And yet every guy I knew who wanted a girlfriend had one, even if they were schlubby, unemployed, whatever. I saw the writing on the wall and moved away.

In some cities the demographics just don’t work in a woman’s favor.

Yes very true in nyc - the men prefer to wait until 33-35 to even start thinking about marriage

I don’t think that’s true. My brother just got married at 31 and all his college friends at the wedding were in marriage track relationships or else looking for them. He’s in finance and most of his friends went to HYP so we aren’t talking about some weird religious subculture.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, it’s either women who think way too highly of themselves and that no one measures up, or women who think way too poorly of themselves and that their not worthy of a loving relationship. The latter seems to be the result of highly critical, overbearing mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not focusing on finding a partner early enough. Many woman focus on school, career thinking they have a lot of time. It's pretty much a 15 year window.

That's not too much time to kiss many frogs before you find your prince. You can prioritize school, career and marriage at the same time. I have friends who married in their early 20s and waited 10 years to have kids.

Another trait which is related to the first one is staying too long in bad relationships. If you've dated a guy for a year after the age of 24, you should know if he is marriage material or not. Some women tend to drag it longer because of "love".

Yep a lot of my friends had kids in their late 30s but they all got married between 23 and 32.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What traits do you see in people you know who are 40 or above and have never married, but wanted to?

A wrong relationship at a wrong time. Spending 5-7 years with a guy in their mid to late 30s, and then they split and needed a couple of years to recover while debating whether to do artificial insemination on their own. Bonus points if career was sacrificed to please the guy/ support his career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, it’s either women who think way too highly of themselves and that no one measures up, or women who think way too poorly of themselves and that their not worthy of a loving relationship. The latter seems to be the result of highly critical, overbearing mothers.

The latter also sometimes happens as a result of a bad or abusive relationship that they never really recover from.

[Anonymous]

This one is easy. They all spent too many years in their prime dating years in dead end relationships.

Ages 22-32 are really the key. And without sounding like an incel, even 32 is pushing it. It is not because women become less attractive, blah blah blah but because almost all the so-called good men (educated, kind, attractive, family-oriented) are married or in serious relationships by age 33 and the few that aren't date younger.

Of the 5 women I know who remained single, all of them stayed with loser boyfriends or didn't prioritize dating in these prime years. It's not fair but life's not fair.

[Anonymous]

Unwilling to accept nonsense just to have a husband.

Which really isn't a bad trait.

[Anonymous]

The one person I know like this is in her 50s now. I believe the reason she never married is that she likes to be right all the time and everyone around her must agree with her. Anyone who has a different opinion she deems as “arguing” with her and she just cuts off the relationship. She has done this with guys she’s dated and also friends and family.

It is exhausting being around her and she turns very mean when people disagree with her. So, as you can imagine, people have pulled away from her to a large extent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not focusing on finding a partner early enough. Many woman focus on school, career thinking they have a lot of time. It's pretty much a 15 year window.

That's not too much time to kiss many frogs before you find your prince. You can prioritize school, career and marriage at the same time. I have friends who married in their early 20s and waited 10 years to have kids.

Another trait which is related to the first one is staying too long in bad relationships. If you've dated a guy for a year after the age of 24, you should know if he is marriage material or not. Some women tend to drag it longer because of "love".

Yep a lot of my friends had kids in their late 30s but they all got married between 23 and 32.

Yep. I met my husband when he was 24.5. I was 26. We got married at 27/28, but waited to have our first kid at 35. No fertility issues- pregnant on first try with both of them.

My best friend married at 24 and has her first kid at 34.

I knew my husband was the one immediately. Neither of us had $, but we had good jobs, good education and were hard working. Now he’s the guy women on here drool over and say they want to marry.