People who never married, but wanted to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This one is easy. They all spent too many years in their prime dating years in dead end relationships.

Ages 22-32 are really the key. And without sounding like an incel, even 32 is pushing it. It is not because women become less attractive, blah blah blah but because almost all the so-called good men (educated, kind, attractive, family-oriented) are married or in serious relationships by age 33 and the few that aren't date younger.

Of the 5 women I know who remained single, all of them stayed with loser boyfriends or didn't prioritize dating in these prime years. It's not fair but life's not fair.

Man who agrees. My relationship spans were two years followed by four girlfriends of one year each, then wife. After 22, seems that even if you do not want to get married for a few years, there is a one year timeline where if it is not moving forward, you have to cut your losses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to live in San Francisco and saw women maybe ten years older than me who had so much to offer and were single. They were beautiful, athletic, great jobs, the whole thing. And yet every guy I knew who wanted a girlfriend had one, even if they were schlubby, unemployed, whatever. I saw the writing on the wall and moved away.

In some cities the demographics just don’t work in a woman’s favor.

It's true, a lot of it is demographics. I also think part of it is truly men being intimidated. I know this is a well-trodden cliche, but that's for a reason. IMO a lot of men want to be in a relationship that doesnt threaten their ego- a high earning, beautiful, fit woman who is confident and well spoken is going to hold her own in the relationship. A needy, insecure woman, with a less important job, earning less money, maybe less attractive, is probably going to sense this and bend herself over backwards for her man. And at the end of the day, THAT is what a lot of men want from a woman. Some woman he knows will baby him, run around after him, and treat him like a king, even if he's a slob or a loser.

It's not insecurity, it's common sense. Marriage is a partnership. Everyone wants to make sure they are bringing something to the table. For some men, , the easiest way for them to feel useful in a relationship is by spoiling their partner financially.

When they feel like they cannot because their partners are high earning and/ or seemingly self sufficient, they have to find other ways, and it just seems like more work.

But there are plenty of ways to contribute to a relationship: be good at fixing things, be great with children, be very caring, being good at cooking etc.

Some men just don't want to put in that effort when they can move on to the next woman who is content with them spoiling them with financial things and status. Why try harder when what you have to offer is perfectly fine for the next woman?

I have friends in loving relationships with men who make half of what these women make. These men put in the work: they cook, they fix things around the house, they take care of the kids etc. Other men may decide that it's easier when you bring in the bacon. So they go for women who see bringing home the bacon as a good enough contribution. Financially successful women will not.

I am not even financially successful compared to my DH but his salary would not have impressed me, because I have the potential to make much more than he does. I was impressed by how caring he was and how helpful he was around the house. Why should a man who is not that helpful go for a woman like me when it's going to end in disappointment? I say these men are smart to choose women who would be happy with the contributions that they are willing to make.

Cool. Now do the men who NEITHER "spoil" financially OR do anything around the house ...

Why? Who wants those? Lol

[Anonymous]

The ones I know of have high, perhaps unreasonable standards and are high maintenance in relationships. More about the image of the relationship than actually caring about the guy.

[Anonymous]

This is a little younger than the original post, as we're all mid-late 30s, but I have 3 friends like this. Gorgeous, smart, interesting, good values, good friends...
- one just got married. The marriage is kind of odd to me though, I mean, they seem like only friends. I don't really see what my friend sees in him; like I'd say she's an all-around 8 (not only looks but everything) while he's maybe a boring... 4? Maybe she "settled"?
- one got married to the most amazing man, they're perfect for each other, she got the kind of rugged cowboy with good values, very aligned with hers, and they just had their 2nd child, they're only 1 year apart!
- then the 3rd one, she's the most attractive and interesting, she's getting a PhD, she's a great dancer, she's fun and kind... But what I've seen from her is she has crazy high expectations. Like, she's maybe 5'5" or 5'6" and she turned down dating a super hot and educated man who she thought wasn't tall enough... He was 5'9"!! I'm like, "Really??!!" I kind of feel sorry for her, she ends up dating really flashy charismatic types who of course don't really want anything serious, but just like having her attention for a while. I'm starting to think she's going to hit 40 soon having not found the one.

As for myself... I surprised myself by finding DH at 28, earlier than I expected. No complaints there - I agree with maybe finding your mate earlier rather than later. We have 3 kids now and my career is finally really taking off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a little younger than the original post, as we're all mid-late 30s, but I have 3 friends like this. Gorgeous, smart, interesting, good values, good friends...
- one just got married. The marriage is kind of odd to me though, I mean, they seem like only friends. I don't really see what my friend sees in him; like I'd say she's an all-around 8 (not only looks but everything) while he's maybe a boring... 4? Maybe she "settled"?
- one got married to the most amazing man, they're perfect for each other, she got the kind of rugged cowboy with good values, very aligned with hers, and they just had their 2nd child, they're only 1 year apart!
- then the 3rd one, she's the most attractive and interesting, she's getting a PhD, she's a great dancer, she's fun and kind... But what I've seen from her is she has crazy high expectations. Like, she's maybe 5'5" or 5'6" and she turned down dating a super hot and educated man who she thought wasn't tall enough... He was 5'9"!! I'm like, "Really??!!" I kind of feel sorry for her, she ends up dating really flashy charismatic types who of course don't really want anything serious, but just like having her attention for a while. I'm starting to think she's going to hit 40 soon having not found the one.

As for myself... I surprised myself by finding DH at 28, earlier than I expected. No complaints there - I agree with maybe finding your mate earlier rather than later. We have 3 kids now and my career is finally really taking off.

+1 on the third profile, have definitely known women who have high standards and/or go for the flashy charismatic types of men.. The flashy charismatic male types don't seem to settle down to marry, or not till they're approaching 40 and marry someone younger, then may not have/want kids. Stereotype, but I've seen it play out several times anecdotally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to live in San Francisco and saw women maybe ten years older than me who had so much to offer and were single. They were beautiful, athletic, great jobs, the whole thing. And yet every guy I knew who wanted a girlfriend had one, even if they were schlubby, unemployed, whatever. I saw the writing on the wall and moved away.

In some cities the demographics just don’t work in a woman’s favor.

Or, an alternative explanation: These ladies do okay, have fulfilling social circles, get intimacy when they want to, and are are not saddled by conventional marriage. They like their lives and are satisfied, happy, fit, and independent.

I agree with this. People who want to get married generally do. There are some men and women dating without success but for others marriage just isn’t a priority. They like their freedom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to live in San Francisco and saw women maybe ten years older than me who had so much to offer and were single. They were beautiful, athletic, great jobs, the whole thing. And yet every guy I knew who wanted a girlfriend had one, even if they were schlubby, unemployed, whatever. I saw the writing on the wall and moved away.

In some cities the demographics just don’t work in a woman’s favor.

Or, an alternative explanation: These ladies do okay, have fulfilling social circles, get intimacy when they want to, and are are not saddled by conventional marriage. They like their lives and are satisfied, happy, fit, and independent.

I agree with this. People who want to get married generally do. There are some men and women dating without success but for others marriage just isn’t a priority. They like their freedom.

I agree too. I married my husband in our late 20’s but I have some really close friends and know many more women who are now early 40s and haven’t found love yet. Yes they have high standards but also they are independent and successful and there’s no reason to get married anymore except for love and companionship. Sometimes it’s more fulfilling not being in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

I’m 60 and have known several women like this over the years, who said (and seemed like) they wanted to get married but never did. The common trait among all of them was their unrealistic expectations. In two situations, they were very religious and couldn’t find someone that matched their level of commitment, or they wouldn’t have sex which ended it. Another couple of them seemed to not realize they were aging and instead of looking for men their age or older, wanted younger men, who were less likely to commit. I felt like they wanted a do-over—i.e, they stay 28 even though they are 35 by dating a 28 year old. She didn’t want to date anyone who had been divorced but as you get older, that’s more likely. One person I knew in this situation finally was told by her younger boyfriend that he wasn’t serous about marrying her. It’s fine if you don’t want to get married either but she wanted marriage. I also think it’s probably for the best that they didn’t get married. I would say all the women I’m thinking of were stuck in their lives in some way.

[Anonymous]

45 and I suppose this is me although I haven’t given up yet.

I tried really hard in my late 20s and early 30s to be someone who was ready to get married because I knew it was something I wanted long-term, but I just wasn’t ready. I had a lot of things I wanted to do in life that weren’t compatible with marrying the people I dated at that moment in time. Maybe short-sighted, but I just felt like I wasn’t being true to myself to force myself to settle down before I was ready.

I have a really wonderful life now and so in many ways my choices did pay off. Had a child on my own at 40, great career, love where I live, treasure the places where I traveled. I finally feel ready to get married and really want to, but I hate that there is some sort of door that seems to close at 32. I think I’ll be a much better partner now. I still hope to be the exception to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:45 and I suppose this is me although I haven’t given up yet.

I tried really hard in my late 20s and early 30s to be someone who was ready to get married because I knew it was something I wanted long-term, but I just wasn’t ready. I had a lot of things I wanted to do in life that weren’t compatible with marrying the people I dated at that moment in time. Maybe short-sighted, but I just felt like I wasn’t being true to myself to force myself to settle down before I was ready.

I have a really wonderful life now and so in many ways my choices did pay off. Had a child on my own at 40, great career, love where I live, treasure the places where I traveled. I finally feel ready to get married and really want to, but I hate that there is some sort of door that seems to close at 32. I think I’ll be a much better partner now. I still hope to be the exception to that.

PP, you sound like a person who owns her own life and has created a wonderful one. I have a feeling MR/MS Right is out there for you.

[Anonymous]

The two women who spring to mind in my life (both mid-40s) are both incredible people who are smart, talented, professionally successful, with interesting hobbies. Both are very well traveled and open minded people. Neither have unreasonable standards -- they have good standards.

I think the reason they have not married is a combination of factors:

- They just didn't meet the right person at the right time. Seriously. There's so much luck in this. When I think of the randomness that brought my DH into my life, it's almost alarming. A couple different choices and we'd never have met, or met when we were both dating other people. Never underestimate the degree to which finding someone who you want to marry, and who wants to marry you, at a time in life where marriage is on the table for both of you, is the result of dumb luck.

- As they got older, the pool of good men shrank and they chose not to adjust their standards down. Again, their standards were not too high to begin with and still aren't now. But by your mid-30s, the available men are so much less likely to meet even reasonable standards. Otherwise they'd be married. Men who want to be married get married, and it's not that hard for them because there are more women who want to be married than men, generally. So everyone saying "oh their standards were too high" -- I think you're wrong. I think they had the same standards I did, it's just that I got lucky and met my DH when I was 29 and he was 30.

- Career success in your early 30s makes dating hard. You often travel more, work longer hours, are simply more focused on work. If that phase hits in your late 20s, no problem. If it hits late 30s, no problem. If it hits 30-34, as it did for both these women, it's going to be hard to meet and marry someone in that window, and as I said, once that window ends, the dating pool shrinks.

That's it. It sucks because they are both great. But also, being great people who are smart and level-headed, they've learned to like the good things about being single (more freedom, more control over your life, more money because no kids) and taken full advantage. They have enviable lives. I know there is disappointment there because, yes, they did want to get married (and still may). But I don't feel sorry for them. They are happy. Marriage is not the one answer to life. That's such a limited way of thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

The two women who spring to mind in my life (both mid-40s) are both incredible people who are smart, talented, professionally successful, with interesting hobbies. Both are very well traveled

What does well-traveled have to do with relationships?

[Anonymous]

I’m AA in my 40s. All of my unmarried friends, who wanted to be married, are also AA. The one constant I see is they want too much superficial stuff when they can’t offer the same. So - you want a 10 and you are a 4 or 5 at best. You want men wearing bespoke suits but you are buying your clothes from Shein. A pp mentioned a friend who didn’t want to date someone 5’9”. This bull is the type of stuff that will keep you unmarried, especially as we get older. You want an off the charts guy when you are solidly average (at best) in most ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to live in San Francisco and saw women maybe ten years older than me who had so much to offer and were single. They were beautiful, athletic, great jobs, the whole thing. And yet every guy I knew who wanted a girlfriend had one, even if they were schlubby, unemployed, whatever. I saw the writing on the wall and moved away.

In some cities the demographics just don’t work in a woman’s favor.

Or, an alternative explanation: These ladies do okay, have fulfilling social circles, get intimacy when they want to, and are are not saddled by conventional marriage. They like their lives and are satisfied, happy, fit, and independent.

I agree with this. People who want to get married generally do. There are some men and women dating without success but for others marriage just isn’t a priority. They like their freedom.

I agree too. I married my husband in our late 20’s but I have some really close friends and know many more women who are now early 40s and haven’t found love yet. Yes they have high standards but also they are independent and successful and there’s no reason to get married anymore except for love and companionship. Sometimes it’s more fulfilling not being in a relationship.

Yep. And actually I think theyre a lot smarter than some of the women with loser men. Single women tend to rate higher in both happiness and health than married women, fwiw. The opposite is true for men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a little younger than the original post, as we're all mid-late 30s, but I have 3 friends like this. Gorgeous, smart, interesting, good values, good friends...
- one just got married. The marriage is kind of odd to me though, I mean, they seem like only friends. I don't really see what my friend sees in him; like I'd say she's an all-around 8 (not only looks but everything) while he's maybe a boring... 4? Maybe she "settled"?
- one got married to the most amazing man, they're perfect for each other, she got the kind of rugged cowboy with good values, very aligned with hers, and they just had their 2nd child, they're only 1 year apart!
- then the 3rd one, she's the most attractive and interesting, she's getting a PhD, she's a great dancer, she's fun and kind... But what I've seen from her is she has crazy high expectations. Like, she's maybe 5'5" or 5'6" and she turned down dating a super hot and educated man who she thought wasn't tall enough... He was 5'9"!! I'm like, "Really??!!" I kind of feel sorry for her, she ends up dating really flashy charismatic types who of course don't really want anything serious, but just like having her attention for a while. I'm starting to think she's going to hit 40 soon having not found the one.

As for myself... I surprised myself by finding DH at 28, earlier than I expected. No complaints there - I agree with maybe finding your mate earlier rather than later. We have 3 kids now and my career is finally really taking off.

I have a friend who is the same way about height! She turned down a man who was 5'10"...apparently she only wants 6'2" and up, which is a small population of men.