Friend with bad child being iced out of friend group

[Anonymous]

OP, what do the parents do in these instances? To me, that matters a ton. I have a few close friends with kids who have SN, and have engaged in some of the behaviors you describe. In their cases, the parents are on top of it; either we cut the play date short or one parent removes the child who is misbehaving in the moment, or we figure something else out. To me, it’s not worth cutting off close friends who are doing everything they can to manage a difficult situation they didn’t choose.

Now, if the parents are doing nothing in the moment while their child destroys things and injures other kids, I’d feel differently. So, which is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Duh, of course they will be excluded. No one wants to deal with this kind of behavior.

I know with a kid with a diagnosis and impulse control issues. He tried to hurt multiple kids and was kicked out from all after school care programs and for a period he was suspended from school, as well.

His mom is always upset about people excluding her son. Really?

Why should anyone put up with this behavior?

Healthy people have boundaries.

We don’t care what kind of diagnosis it is. Would you hang out with a schizophrenic because you are nice and want to be inclusive.

Sorry, but your mental health issues is not everyone problem.
Honestly, I don’t think they should be allowed in school either.

Sorry, who is this "they" you are speaking about? I'm sure you could not possibly be suggesting that a particular group of human beings beings be denied access to their rights, correct?

“They” is kids who have no self control and harm others and/or create a violent environment for everyone else. Snatching scones from walls is violent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She knows.

I’m a child psychiatrist. I hear from parents all of the time that one of the hardest parts of having a kid with behavioral problems is the social exclusion the experience as parents, even from long time friends.

Yes, you can hang out just the two of you. But who is supposed to watch her child? Do you think that she has a list of willing babysitters the way that you do? Do you think that she can just trade childcare with a neighbor?

You have to do what you have to do, but it sucks to be her. No two ways around it.

His other parent can stay with him while mom goes out and maintains friendships.
Mom can also go out for coffee/lunch breaks with friends when kid is at school. Then there are grandparents and other family too. Mom can and should have her own social life outside of her child. Sure, parents without SN and kids without SN aren’t likely to be best friends with him. This is normal and to be expected. Mom can work on finding him a group of friends (maybe others with SN also). But his friends do not need to be her friends’ children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Duh, of course they will be excluded. No one wants to deal with this kind of behavior.

I know with a kid with a diagnosis and impulse control issues. He tried to hurt multiple kids and was kicked out from all after school care programs and for a period he was suspended from school, as well.

His mom is always upset about people excluding her son. Really?

Why should anyone put up with this behavior?

Healthy people have boundaries.

We don’t care what kind of diagnosis it is. Would you hang out with a schizophrenic because you are nice and want to be inclusive.

Sorry, but your mental health issues is not everyone problem.
Honestly, I don’t think they should be allowed in school either.

Sorry, who is this "they" you are speaking about? I'm sure you could not possibly be suggesting that a particular group of human beings beings be denied access to their rights, correct?

“They” is kids who have no self control and harm others and/or create a violent environment for everyone else. Snatching scones from walls is violent.

Got it. So, lock ‘em up? I feel like that has been tried already. Does anyone remember learning about the holocaust?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She knows.

I’m a child psychiatrist. I hear from parents all of the time that one of the hardest parts of having a kid with behavioral problems is the social exclusion the experience as parents, even from long time friends.

Yes, you can hang out just the two of you. But who is supposed to watch her child? Do you think that she has a list of willing babysitters the way that you do? Do you think that she can just trade childcare with a neighbor?

You have to do what you have to do, but it sucks to be her. No two ways around it.

His other parent can stay with him while mom goes out and maintains friendships.
Mom can also go out for coffee/lunch breaks with friends when kid is at school. Then there are grandparents and other family too. Mom can and should have her own social life outside of her child. Sure, parents without SN and kids without SN aren’t likely to be best friends with him. This is normal and to be expected. Mom can work on finding him a group of friends (maybe others with SN also). But his friends do not need to be her friends’ children.

Not everyone has that kind of support, but even that still sounds like it "sucks to be her" as pp put it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Duh, of course they will be excluded. No one wants to deal with this kind of behavior.

I know with a kid with a diagnosis and impulse control issues. He tried to hurt multiple kids and was kicked out from all after school care programs and for a period he was suspended from school, as well.

His mom is always upset about people excluding her son. Really?

Why should anyone put up with this behavior?

Healthy people have boundaries.

We don’t care what kind of diagnosis it is. Would you hang out with a schizophrenic because you are nice and want to be inclusive.

Sorry, but your mental health issues is not everyone problem.
Honestly, I don’t think they should be allowed in school either.

Sorry, who is this "they" you are speaking about? I'm sure you could not possibly be suggesting that a particular group of human beings beings be denied access to their rights, correct?

“They” is kids who have no self control and harm others and/or create a violent environment for everyone else. Snatching scones from walls is violent.

Got it. So, lock ‘em up? I feel like that has been tried already. Does anyone remember learning about the holocaust?

Kids who are violent or a threat in harming other children should not be in a mainstream classroom. They should be in self contained classrooms with whatever support they need.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad our friends didn't abandon us when my "bad" DS was struggling before his diagnosis.

You can go outside (that's what we did) or do things just with the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is not aware of a diagnosis.

Did they leave the second he ripped a sconce off the wall?

TBH most of the time it's bad parenting that makes these kids worse. Avoid.

Um no. It's not. Parents of SN kids are killing themselves, their careers, and their lives to get the kids help. You're a jerk.

[Anonymous]

We have friends with a destructive and nasty (he hits, kicks people and pets) son. We had to completely stop inviting them to our house and now only get together anywhere but our house. He is hyperactive add and is slightly better now (7 yo) but he’s never welcome back at my house. He traumatized my cats by pulling their tails and hitting them. The last time we saw them at the park he ran up to me and hit me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She knows.

I’m a child psychiatrist. I hear from parents all of the time that one of the hardest parts of having a kid with behavioral problems is the social exclusion the experience as parents, even from long time friends.

Yes, you can hang out just the two of you. But who is supposed to watch her child? Do you think that she has a list of willing babysitters the way that you do? Do you think that she can just trade childcare with a neighbor?

You have to do what you have to do, but it sucks to be her. No two ways around it.

His other parent can stay with him while mom goes out and maintains friendships.
Mom can also go out for coffee/lunch breaks with friends when kid is at school. Then there are grandparents and other family too. Mom can and should have her own social life outside of her child. Sure, parents without SN and kids without SN aren’t likely to be best friends with him. This is normal and to be expected. Mom can work on finding him a group of friends (maybe others with SN also). But his friends do not need to be her friends’ children.

Not everyone has that kind of support, but even that still sounds like it "sucks to be her" as pp put it.

It sounded like OP’s friend is married. Expecting dad to stay with him every now and then and taking a coffee/lunch with a friend occasionally doesn’t require some huge support system ..this is doable for most

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She knows.

I’m a child psychiatrist. I hear from parents all of the time that one of the hardest parts of having a kid with behavioral problems is the social exclusion the experience as parents, even from long time friends.

Yes, you can hang out just the two of you. But who is supposed to watch her child? Do you think that she has a list of willing babysitters the way that you do? Do you think that she can just trade childcare with a neighbor?

You have to do what you have to do, but it sucks to be her. No two ways around it.

His other parent can stay with him while mom goes out and maintains friendships.
Mom can also go out for coffee/lunch breaks with friends when kid is at school. Then there are grandparents and other family too. Mom can and should have her own social life outside of her child. Sure, parents without SN and kids without SN aren’t likely to be best friends with him. This is normal and to be expected. Mom can work on finding him a group of friends (maybe others with SN also). But his friends do not need to be her friends’ children.

Not everyone has that kind of support, but even that still sounds like it "sucks to be her" as pp put it.

It sounded like OP’s friend is married. Expecting dad to stay with him every now and then and taking a coffee/lunch with a friend occasionally doesn’t require some huge support system ..this is doable for most

I'm glad you're here to mansplain to us how easy it is to have a "bad" kid.

Easy peasy. Especially with friends like these.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She knows.

I’m a child psychiatrist. I hear from parents all of the time that one of the hardest parts of having a kid with behavioral problems is the social exclusion the experience as parents, even from long time friends.

Yes, you can hang out just the two of you. But who is supposed to watch her child? Do you think that she has a list of willing babysitters the way that you do? Do you think that she can just trade childcare with a neighbor?

You have to do what you have to do, but it sucks to be her. No two ways around it.

+1

#1 is the constant concern that the kid will grow up to be a functioning adult

#2 is losing all of your "friends"

[Anonymous]

Have coffee with mom only. No more play dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Duh, of course they will be excluded. No one wants to deal with this kind of behavior.

I know with a kid with a diagnosis and impulse control issues. He tried to hurt multiple kids and was kicked out from all after school care programs and for a period he was suspended from school, as well.

His mom is always upset about people excluding her son. Really?

Why should anyone put up with this behavior?

Healthy people have boundaries.

We don’t care what kind of diagnosis it is. Would you hang out with a schizophrenic because you are nice and want to be inclusive.

Sorry, but your mental health issues is not everyone problem.
Honestly, I don’t think they should be allowed in school either.

Sorry, who is this "they" you are speaking about? I'm sure you could not possibly be suggesting that a particular group of human beings beings be denied access to their rights, correct?

“They” is kids who have no self control and harm others and/or create a violent environment for everyone else. Snatching scones from walls is violent.

Got it. So, lock ‘em up? I feel like that has been tried already. Does anyone remember learning about the holocaust?

Wowwwwwww, I sure didn’t know Jews were murdered and enslaved to the point of genocide and multigenerational trauma because they all had behavior issues and ADHD! Well you sure do learn something every day here on DCUM!

W
T
A
F

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not aware of a diagnosis.

Did they leave the second he ripped a sconce off the wall?

TBH most of the time it's bad parenting that makes these kids worse. Avoid.

That is so extremely discriminatory!

Seriously disgusting POV.

More discriminatory to assume the kid is special needs or less? Sounds like no one says no to him.

When you don't have any behavioral expectations, your kids end up not being liked by peers, teachers, other adults, etc. It actually makes life harder for them, not easier to snowplow. My kids are teens and we stayed away from tornados like this after the first time.