What happens to the "dud" husbands after divorce?

[Anonymous]

A LOT of bitterness in this thread.

The sooner you get over your exH or exW, the happier you’ll be. It sounds like many if you have work to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She only _thought_ I was a dud. I was a winner all along, and she was and continues to be a loser.

My income is up 40 percent, and I've slept with a couple of dozen women who are 10-30 years younger than me since the divorce.

I've made two major mistakes in life: getting married, and having children.

Damn, you are double "duds." Dud husband and dud father. Poor kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She only _thought_ I was a dud. I was a winner all along, and she was and continues to be a loser.

My income is up 40 percent, and I've slept with a couple of dozen women who are 10-30 years younger than me since the divorce.

I've made two major mistakes in life: getting married, and having children.

She was right and you just admitted it. Anyone who regrets their children IS a dud as a father and parenting partner. I doubt your ex is impressed by your sex life now, but I hope she’s keeping an eye on your bank account and taking what her kids are owed.

I am a woman and I agree with the previous poster… The biggest mistakes in my life were getting married and having children. I love my kids and I’m a great mom but these were still two of the biggest mistakes of my life. It’s simply not worth it and has derailed to the things that I really wanted to do. I am so sick of this society glorifying motherhood and parenthood. A lot of it sucks and it’s not worth the “reward” everyone espouses.

That's your problem, just like it's the PP's problem. Don't have kids expecting a magic rewards. Have kids if you want kids. And if you have kids and view it as the biggest mistake of your life, you are a dud parent, no matter your gender. I wish both of you had figured out this out earlier, before bringing kids into the world, who will now have to live with your mistakes. Selfish.

The way parenting works, you only know if you love AFTER you become a parent. It's okay to not fully enjoy the experience.

I see this sentiment somewhat often on here and I'm always confused. No parent "fully enjoys the experience." There are challenges and draw backs, and some have a lot more than others. But I actually think it's pretty easy to know if you really WANT to be a parent before you become one. I had a lot of trepidation about it but in a way that's how I knew I wanted to do it. I didn't idealize it and I still wanted to do it.

I think people who have kids and then say things like "biggest mistake of my life" have something else going on that is really wrong. I don't think you have to have a parent to be fulfilled, but I think if you have kids and can't find a way to at least appreciate the positive aspects of it, your problem is mostly you, not your kids.

[Anonymous]

My ex is not in a relationship, i don’t know about his dating life.
I have the kid the majority of the time. However he is now older so my standards for childcare have lowered, kid has become more independent, and I worry less about him - so he stays with dad for more days and even weeks in a row.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think there’s any such thing as a dud husband or wife.
People closest to us can drain us or energize us; I think it’s kind of the same when someone makes a statement about a person being good or bad in bed, what is off the charts for one person could leave another flat, what left someone flat could start a conflagration with someone different.

No duds, just an error in the selection process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's no shortage of women on this board complaining about their "dud" husbands - they're detached, emotionally unavailable, lazy, don't plan anything, irritable, etc. What are those guys like after the divorce? Do they change after the divorce? Do they find women who don't have those complaints? I'm curious how much of these alleged shortcomings are about the context - either a product of the guy's discontent with his wife, or the wife having unreasonable expectations - and how much is just that the guy isn't capable of maintaining a successful relationship, or whatever.

They enjoy the simple carefree life of no responsibilities. Just go to work, eat a lot, watch Tv, and take the kids out to dinner once in awhile and take some selfies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They go find a woman willing to put up with their issues, either for whatever money or stability they can provide.

They hide and bury their issues and diagnoses and go dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one sided in most cases, the women call the man a dud but they ignore everything he contributes to the marriage. Most of the time he has a demanding job that tires him out and the woman is a SAHM or has a lower powered career. My ex fiance (who I broke up with) accused me of being emotionally unavailable when she had a huge amount of problems that required professional help and tried to make me her therapist. I don’t have the time, expertise, or desire to be someone’s therapist. She was a mess.

And yet YOU picked her. I guess she was crazy in bed?

[Anonymous]

I’ve known a couple of these guys through work. In my experience, they try to look for much younger women to hook up with. A surprising number fall for catfishing scams, two were fired for sexual harassment in the workplace, and a couple remarried a much younger woman and started a second, younger family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, ladies but men have a lot easier of a time rebounding after divorce than you do.

Lady here-um, maybe your definition of 'rebounding' is getting into another relationship. It's not mine, I am living a really happy life with my kids, no relationship necessary!

So, the 'dud' I divorced quickly found himself a trumper gf (note, I am assuredly NOT a trumper and never expected he would have gone down that road). Actually, I'm not sure we were actually divorced at the time but I don't care now. Anyhow, she didn't have kids and apparently has been divorced for some time. We do have kids including one with sn so I wonder if she actually knows what she's getting into. Also, he does not take care of his health, despite YEARS of me expressing concern, and he actually just had to get a stent. Now she gets to play nurse-better her than me. I think in their case, that water is finding its level.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the wives are the dud and the ones who cheated. I got lucky with my "dud" husband and have been married over 20 years. Her loss is my gain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one sided in most cases, the women call the man a dud but they ignore everything he contributes to the marriage. Most of the time he has a demanding job that tires him out and the woman is a SAHM or has a lower powered career. My ex fiance (who I broke up with) accused me of being emotionally unavailable when she had a huge amount of problems that required professional help and tried to make me her therapist. I don’t have the time, expertise, or desire to be someone’s therapist. She was a mess.

Nah, that's a different dynamic. The dud DH's aren't the big earners, and often are the lower earner with the less demanding career in the marriage. That's a source of the conflict. If the man is going to be unambitious and make less money, the expectation is then that he do what a woman in the same position would do -- the heavy lifting at home and with the kids.

The dud husbands do neither. They don't clean, they don't do childcare unless explicitly told/asked, they don't initiate social plans or plan for the future. But they also don't work hard at work, are not ambitious and are never sole providers (a SAHM is rarely in a position to ditch a DH because then she has to go back to work and that's daunting).

Duds are the ones who WFH but somehow are never able to do school pickup, who sit around playing video games every day instead of hanging out with the kids or getting dinner ready.

They are... duds. They don't do anything. A man who is a high earner with a demanding job may pose problems in a marriage (maybe he's a jerk, maybe the couple is in competition for whose job is more demanding, maybe there are mental health issues) but he's not a dud -- he's contributing. A dud is a guy who makes his wife think "Ugh, this would be MUCH easier without him." Dead weight.

This guy clearly is a dud and terrible. But, men are sometimes accused when the women want to justify their behavior outside the marriage. My husband cooks, cleans, does his fair share with the kids and much more. He helps with school, drives to activities, stays home to care for me when I'm sick (before work from home) and much more. And, if you listened to his ex he was a terrible husband and father when the exact opposite is true. There are always multiple versions of the truth and its impossible to know what goes on behind closed doors.

[Anonymous]

I have an extended family member who was, by all accounts, a dud husband. Wife left him, he moved into a cheap/small apartment and sees their kids occasionally. I don’t know what their physical custody situation m is but it’s definitely not 50-50 or even close. He works a decent job, not a high income earner but stable. He’s not dating anyone else and has been single a long time, their divorce was maybe 4 years ago and he hasn’t dated since then that we know of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, ladies but men have a lot easier of a time rebounding after divorce than you do.

This is just not true. It is not 1965. It is far easier for women

Look, not every thing said on DCUM when it comes to men versus women is sexist. Some of it is actually true. Men remarry more quickly and more often than women in this country after divorce. FACT. That to me is pretty good evidence that they “rebound” more quickly.

Because men need to be married. Women do not.

So many divorced women I know are in happy LTR and do not want to marry.

I'm a guy. I don't need to be married. I already have kids, don't want any more, can't see any point to marrying again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they’re truly a dud, they latch on to the first warm body they can. Mostly so someone will take care of them and or their kids.

Obvious question is how come there are so many women out there who are incapable of recognizing these duds? They shouldn't be able to latch onto anyone if they are truly duds.

But really the problem is that every divorced woman thinks her XH is a dud, and other women disagree.