Reply to Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH

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[quote=Anonymous]I went through confronting this type of situation with my own spouse. I suspected closet drinking a number of times over a period of a few years. Spouse gaslighted - told me I was crazy, said I was imagining things, denied things/behaviors I knew seemed off, etc. Finally, spouse got busted in an undeniable way and has since gone through treatment.

This is someone who functioned at a very high level at work, continued to work out/exercise, was very much in control of alcohol in social situations (i.e., not the drunk at the party), but who was trying to soothe depression and anxiety with hidden drinking (which only made said depression and anxiety worse). Spouse emotionally withdrew from marriage and family until mental health and secret drinking spiraled...it all came to light with one very bad decision that could have irreversibly destroyed our family. It took many months for our family to get back on track. And rebuilding trust was/has been a serious ongoing challenge giving the lying and gaslighting over many years.

I did all the things suggested above...asked about my suspicions casually (made jokes about it, even), expressed my support and concern, angrily demanded explanations, secretly marked bottles to catch spouse in bad behavior, studied credit card bills to track activity/spending, etc. It wasn't until spouse lost control and couldn't deny it any longer that it finally came to light.

I'm not saying this is what's happening with your husband, but I am suggesting you take this concern seriously. Once I got through the initial shock of acknowledging I was married to someone with an alcohol use disorder, I chose to approach this from the perspective of wanting to support the spouse through treatment and work hard to rebuild our relationship. But as I quickly learned, it wasn't my problem to fix so while spouse sought professional help, I concurrently focused on protecting/healing myself and my kids.

Just know that AUD is a broad spectrum and takes many forms. Make no mistake...hiding alcohol and drinking alone is disordered use of alcohol.

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