Hate having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

DP.. depression frequently runs in the family, and on the female side.

They were not depressed; they did not like having children and thought it was a giant waste of time. I agree. It is not depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you said you were divorced; let your ex take the kids. You would rather they care for them and it's better for the kids. Win/win.

No, he is useless for most things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

New poster. OP, please get therapy -- NOT to force yourself to find you don't have, but to help you come up with strategies for raising your kids in a way where they don't grow up feeling they are responsible for your unhappiness. Yes, their existence makes you unhappy but they did not choose to exist and they are at real risk of internalizing your hatred of having them in your life. I say that without judgement, I really do, OP. You can't un-feel what you feel but neither can they just vanish, so to me, this has to be about how you shield them from believing they did something bad or wrong that alienated you.

Not sure I'm phrasing that well, but I'm trying to say: While you absolutely can own your own honest feelings to yourself and your therapist, you do have a responsibility to ensure that your kids do not believe that they, or something they did, are at fault.

Even if you try your hardest to cover up the fact you do not want them in your life, they WILL know, even if it's just a gut feeling they have that you don't like them. They will pick up on it at some point if they haven't already. And it could leave them with permanent issues they will carry into their own relationships in the future. They do exist, they are yours to help raise, and even though you do not want that responsibility or enjoy any aspect of it at all, it's still on your plate. And I'm sorry, because you don't deserve t be so unhappy--but you are the adult here, and the one who can either damage them or power through raising them so they don't feel responsible for something that's about you and not about them.

I actually commend you for pretending for your kids' sakes. Now please get therapy so you can perhaps feel some level of optimism about how you raise them, even if you never can feel any positives or pleasure in that job. It's not a job one can drop entirely, short of leaving the family and cutting off contact and custody, OP, which would guarantee those feelings of "it's my fault" that they don't deserve to have instilled.

Therapy is a waste of time. It will not change my circumstances. I just wanted to know if it gets better when they are adults, but after reading this I really think it won’t be.

[Anonymous]

People who say op never should have had kids are discounting the idea that perhaps she did not. I know multiple parents who are doing their best to raise others’ children, like my neighbor whose sister and BIL died suddenly in a car accident, leaving twins, one of whom has significant disabilities. Those people may hate it but know the other options are much worse.
This may also not be OPs situation at all but the point is that discussing whether to have had them is not only useless here but also potentially wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this, folks, is Exhibit A why abortion and birth control should be legal.

Yep.

Presumably OP had access to birth control (maybe not?) But was pressured by a spouse and maybe also society ("it will be different when they're your own" "who will take care of you when you're old?!") The real solution is more honesty about the realities of raising children, and more support for those who do not want to have kids (I am childfree and stuck to my guns, but into my late 30s people still pestered me and told me I would change my mind or regret my decision.

Sorry OP - I feel you. But take serious note about the points above regarding your children internalizing your feelings no matter how much you try to hide them. It's real and it sucks, and your kids will distance themselves from you as soon as they are able and you won't be able to enjoy them as adults (as others have proposed) because they will want nothing to do with you. Good luck, sincerely.

Frankly, I would be fine if they had nothing to do with me because I don’t want grandchildren.

DP.. I don't care if I have grandchildren or not. I was not even that keen on having kids, but you sound really miserable. I don't think a woman *must* have kids, but your phrasing makes you sound like a truly miserable person.

Is there anyone in your life that you love and have a great relationship with? Do you think your kids know you don't like them?

Are you in therapy? You sound like you could benefit from it.

I’ve been miserable since making the life altering mistake of getting married, which I really did not want to do.
I have some friends. I have a good relationship with a sibling. That is it. My parents are awful people and kids ensure that I have to continue seeing them unfortunately. If I didn’t have kids, I would not see them at all. Another obligation I have to do because I have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who say op never should have had kids are discounting the idea that perhaps she did not. I know multiple parents who are doing their best to raise others’ children, like my neighbor whose sister and BIL died suddenly in a car accident, leaving twins, one of whom has significant disabilities. Those people may hate it but know the other options are much worse.
This may also not be OPs situation at all but the point is that discussing whether to have had them is not only useless here but also potentially wrong.

OP has been clear that she gave birth to these children.

The more I read of your circumstances OP, the more I feel that you need social services and mental health intervention. I know you say this is not depression, and it might not be. But this level of antipathy for parenting at this stage sounds pathological to me.

Also, it sounds like you marriage was very abusive (maybe not physical abuse, but manipulation and emotional control) and I think that likely is impacting your attitude toward parenting now. You were coerced into it. I don't know if he simply would not allow you to get an abortion or there is another reason why you didn't, but I think addressing the likely trauma of your marriage and being forced to become a mother might be the best possible thing for you. Which, yes, would involve therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Well, your kids are here now and they had no say in being born. Do your job and raise them well till they’re 18 at least. Go to therapy if you need to.

I never said I’m not doing my job; I’m doing my job. I’m saying that I absolutely hate; it there’s a difference. I hate cleaning toilets, but I’m really good at it. it’s the same thing.

The difference is that a toilet seat can't tell if you hate it. And part of parenting well is ensuring your kids believe that you love them. If a toilet seat was a sentient being, it would be fairly depressed about how everyone in the house viewed it. Even if it was always sparkling.

+1 I do not love parenting, but, I love my kids, and I make sure they know that. They can see how I don't like doing certain aspects of parenting. I don't need to be a perfect parent, but they need to know that I love them fiercely.

Agree with this. I don't love parenting. It's tedious and all consuming, especially if you are trying to do your best. I do love my kids. I do not like the vast majority of other people's kids (though I'm not rude to them or anything like that).

I make the most of it and treat my kids like people rather than children. I don't over burden them with adult issues, but they aren't babied either.

Even though you may not feel like it in the moment, parenting years are only a fraction of our actual life spans (on average). You will get to brighter days OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you like the children OP? Do you have a spouse that loves the children? This is difficult because you are not discussing them like they are humans, but rather that they are a job. If you enjoy them as people but dislike being a parent well, you're 10 years in. Suck it up for another 8 years and try your best to make them feel like you love them, because you owe it to them after choosing to be in their life this long.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not having kids, or not being a kid person. But there is a lot wrong with abandoning a 10 year old or making a child grow up knowing their parent resents them. You have them, you need to find out how to minimize the damage your dislike is doing.

Some days I like them. But I still hate that I am in this situation. I left the ex that forced this.

How did someone force you to have more than one child in the US?

Do you not understand how a man can have sex with you even when you say no? If they want a baby and refuse to use a condom and know that you are not on birth control even temporarily—like for two days— you can get pregnant from having sex one time! I know because it happened to me twice. There was no sex between the kids’ conception. I was married for 10 years. There was no sex at all after the second kids conception that was not supposed to happen so there was no sex for seven years at all. All it takes is one time to get pregnant. Some men refuse to take no for an answer. They refuse to wear the condom or a condom brakes or if you were off the pill temporarily that’s all it takes…is one time. I was with someone who purposely wanted to get me pregnant so I wouldn’t leave.

So why didn't you get an abortion and leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you like the children OP? Do you have a spouse that loves the children? This is difficult because you are not discussing them like they are humans, but rather that they are a job. If you enjoy them as people but dislike being a parent well, you're 10 years in. Suck it up for another 8 years and try your best to make them feel like you love them, because you owe it to them after choosing to be in their life this long.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not having kids, or not being a kid person. But there is a lot wrong with abandoning a 10 year old or making a child grow up knowing their parent resents them. You have them, you need to find out how to minimize the damage your dislike is doing.

Some days I like them. But I still hate that I am in this situation. I left the ex that forced this.

How did someone force you to have more than one child in the US?

Do you not understand how a man can have sex with you even when you say no? If they want a baby and refuse to use a condom and know that you are not on birth control even temporarily—like for two days— you can get pregnant from having sex one time! I know because it happened to me twice. There was no sex between the kids’ conception. I was married for 10 years. There was no sex at all after the second kids conception that was not supposed to happen so there was no sex for seven years at all. All it takes is one time to get pregnant. Some men refuse to take no for an answer. They refuse to wear the condom or a condom brakes or if you were off the pill temporarily that’s all it takes…is one time. I was with someone who purposely wanted to get me pregnant so I wouldn’t leave.

+1 it’s unbelievable how naive or willfully blind some of these posters are. Even in the US, women end up with kids they didn’t plan on and don’t want. Birth control fails and can be tampered with. Sterilization should be much more widely offered to women of childbearing age. When you know you don’t want children, you know. It’s nice to say men should bear responsibility for birth control too, but many won’t, and there is always the risk of sexual assault. Abortion should be legal but not everyone is comfortable with having one themselves or even able to access it if they are (yes, even in the US).

[Anonymous]

You're all wasting your time. Op posts the same thing every few months
She isn't going to do a damn thing to improve her circumstances.
Hopefully the kids have someone in their lives who loves them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Your feelings a valid, but I am betting your kids are picking up on this and behaving accordingly. You need to start monitoring how you behave and talk to them. I'd also suggest hiring more help whether a nanny or mother's helper to give yourself a reprieve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who say op never should have had kids are discounting the idea that perhaps she did not. I know multiple parents who are doing their best to raise others’ children, like my neighbor whose sister and BIL died suddenly in a car accident, leaving twins, one of whom has significant disabilities. Those people may hate it but know the other options are much worse.
This may also not be OPs situation at all but the point is that discussing whether to have had them is not only useless here but also potentially wrong.

OP has been clear that she gave birth to these children.

The more I read of your circumstances OP, the more I feel that you need social services and mental health intervention. I know you say this is not depression, and it might not be. But this level of antipathy for parenting at this stage sounds pathological to me.

Also, it sounds like you marriage was very abusive (maybe not physical abuse, but manipulation and emotional control) and I think that likely is impacting your attitude toward parenting now. You were coerced into it. I don't know if he simply would not allow you to get an abortion or there is another reason why you didn't, but I think addressing the likely trauma of your marriage and being forced to become a mother might be the best possible thing for you. Which, yes, would involve therapy.

No abortion for religious reasons. I wanted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you like the children OP? Do you have a spouse that loves the children? This is difficult because you are not discussing them like they are humans, but rather that they are a job. If you enjoy them as people but dislike being a parent well, you're 10 years in. Suck it up for another 8 years and try your best to make them feel like you love them, because you owe it to them after choosing to be in their life this long.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not having kids, or not being a kid person. But there is a lot wrong with abandoning a 10 year old or making a child grow up knowing their parent resents them. You have them, you need to find out how to minimize the damage your dislike is doing.

Some days I like them. But I still hate that I am in this situation. I left the ex that forced this.

How did someone force you to have more than one child in the US?

Do you not understand how a man can have sex with you even when you say no? If they want a baby and refuse to use a condom and know that you are not on birth control even temporarily—like for two days— you can get pregnant from having sex one time! I know because it happened to me twice. There was no sex between the kids’ conception. I was married for 10 years. There was no sex at all after the second kids conception that was not supposed to happen so there was no sex for seven years at all. All it takes is one time to get pregnant. Some men refuse to take no for an answer. They refuse to wear the condom or a condom brakes or if you were off the pill temporarily that’s all it takes…is one time. I was with someone who purposely wanted to get me pregnant so I wouldn’t leave.

So why didn't you get an abortion and leave?

Believe me, I wanted to. I was raised too religiously. I now wish I had done it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Your feelings a valid, but I am betting your kids are picking up on this and behaving accordingly. You need to start monitoring how you behave and talk to them. I'd also suggest hiring more help whether a nanny or mother's helper to give yourself a reprieve.

My kids have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this, folks, is Exhibit A why abortion and birth control should be legal.

Yep.

Presumably OP had access to birth control (maybe not?) But was pressured by a spouse and maybe also society ("it will be different when they're your own" "who will take care of you when you're old?!") The real solution is more honesty about the realities of raising children, and more support for those who do not want to have kids (I am childfree and stuck to my guns, but into my late 30s people still pestered me and told me I would change my mind or regret my decision.

Sorry OP - I feel you. But take serious note about the points above regarding your children internalizing your feelings no matter how much you try to hide them. It's real and it sucks, and your kids will distance themselves from you as soon as they are able and you won't be able to enjoy them as adults (as others have proposed) because they will want nothing to do with you. Good luck, sincerely.

Even if OP had access to birth control and/or abortion but was pressured into this by her ex or some other aspect of the circumstances (which is AWFUL to be clear; I don't want to minimize what happened to OP), criminalizing abortion and/or birth control or even restricting access to them makes situations like OP's more common. Which isn't fair on the kids or the parents forced into a role they didn't want.