Hate having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay. There was no reason to post. People obviously do not have adult children who are responding. Your responses are judgmental and making stuff up. Stop responding. If you have adult children, feel free to respond. Otherwise, there is no reason for you to keep piling on with assumptions about me or my kids. They are fine. I'm not worried. I worry about my happiness--not theirs. If you don't have the perspective of being an adult with children who did not find raising kids joyful, there is literally no reason for you to comment except to make yourself feel better about yourself and to put me down and my assumptions about me. My kids are happy. I'm not. I can say this anonymously. Stop projecting it is something worse. I only was seeking feedback from people with adult children who have wisdom to offer. If you have kids at home, you don't fit the criteria for even responding.

Once again, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay. There was no reason to post. People obviously do not have adult children who are responding. Your responses are judgmental and making stuff up. Stop responding. If you have adult children, feel free to respond. Otherwise, there is no reason for you to keep piling on with assumptions about me or my kids. They are fine. I'm not worried. I worry about my happiness--not theirs. If you don't have the perspective of being an adult with children who did not find raising kids joyful, there is literally no reason for you to comment except to make yourself feel better about yourself and to put me down and my assumptions about me. My kids are happy. I'm not. I can say this anonymously. Stop projecting it is something worse. I only was seeking feedback from people with adult children who have wisdom to offer. If you have kids at home, you don't fit the criteria for even responding.

Who the hell do you think you are? Narcissist to the max.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP has posted many, many times. She is completely lacking in insight. Not quite sure what she’s hoping to get from these repeated threads. Just letting everyone know so they can stop wasting their time. OP, just give your kids to their dad already.

They are not comfortable with him. I am the preferred parent. He did 0 for the first 6 years of parenting. Literally ZERO.

That still would not solve the problem. I've already wasted 10 years into this nonsense and I can't fix the trajectory. Him having the kids only would not improve anything and in fact, make it worse.

I wanted to know if people could enjoy kids as adults if they did not like parenting. So far, no one really has that answer. That was the point of the post. I know my life sucks so I don't need more piling on. Be fortunate that you did not have circumstances take your life in a direction you absolutely did not want and then have to deal with the lifelong consequences. There is no "coping" or "therapy" that can fix that. It is what it is and I just have to deal with it.

No one has answered because there are virtually no people who get to year 10 of parenting that feel like you feel. There are people who don't like certain parts of parenting, there are people who feel resentment because they have kids but they still love their kids, but what YOU describe points to a person in a mental health crisis.

People are saying that for YOU, with these problems and your outlook on life, it will not get better, because life is not just about things magically getting better. You have to make them better.

It will get better when your kids get older and more independent and drift from you. And you can become a distant mother and not interact with grandchildren if you don't want.

I'm going to give you a different piece of advice OP, since you clearly aren't really interested in fixing yourself. Get your kids in therapy, and explain these thoughts you have to their therapists. So your children can figure out how to grapple with having a parent like you in a healthy way. I grew up in a very privileged home, my childhood was 'so much better than my parents' and yet, all the money in the world can't buy you emotionally stable parents. And unfortunately kids need that a lot more than they need whatever it is you're buying for them.

So no, your situation will not improve but again, it is because you seem committed to doing literally nothing to improve it.

I am not having a mental health crisis. This is how I feel every day. I survive. That is it. It's drudgery but it is what it is. A mental health crisis is sudden and drastic and an overwhelming feeling of depression. I am not depressed. I was just hoping someone would say, "yeah, I did not particularly like parenting but I enjoy having adult kids."

Being depressed for 10 years and being unable to have a constant love an attachment to children entering double digits is in fact a mental health crisis. It sounds like its been doing on for a very long time.

I know what you were hoping for, but instead you are getting a chorus of people saying your mindset is extremely troubling and abnormal and suggesting you need a medical intervention. You are saying 'you guys are crazy' because you have existed this way for so long you don't recognize the harm and critical nature of the crisis. You're a frog in a hot pot OP. Maybe it will never actually boil, but its close, and its certainly not going to get any cooler.

She just said she isn't depressed so why did you respond with this?

Hi, OP. Because you are clearly very depressed. You’re just in denial.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Okay. There was no reason to post. People obviously do not have adult children who are responding. Your responses are judgmental and making stuff up. Stop responding. If you have adult children, feel free to respond. Otherwise, there is no reason for you to keep piling on with assumptions about me or my kids. They are fine. I'm not worried. I worry about my happiness--not theirs. If you don't have the perspective of being an adult with children who did not find raising kids joyful, there is literally no reason for you to comment except to make yourself feel better about yourself and to put me down and my assumptions about me. My kids are happy. I'm not. I can say this anonymously. Stop projecting it is something worse. I only was seeking feedback from people with adult children who have wisdom to offer. If you have kids at home, you don't fit the criteria for even responding.

I posted a few times. I have two adult children 21 & 19. I said I do not enjoy parenting, but I love my kids. I enjoy time with them now much more than I did when I constantly had to parent. Parenting is not fun, I found it exhausting.

I also posted the article from 2010 about other parents who really do not enjoy parenting. It's not a utopia of happiness.

Still I love my kids fiercely, even when I did not love their attitudes or actions (teen years were tough with the oldest). It will get better.

Thank you. That is all I wanted to hear.

The ^PP probably doesn't resent their kid like you do. I'm also assuming that ^PP didn't only *sometimes" love their kids.

Other people have stated that they don't enjoy parenting. I've posted this myself numerous times. I find parenting exhausting, too.

All this for you to hear one poster state that they enjoy their adult kids more now than when they were little? You really needed an anonymous poster to tell you that some people find adult kids to be more fun than little kids?

You can resent your situation and still love kids. If I did not love them, I'd be gone. I don't love them overwhelmingly 100% of the time but no one does. You don't gush over kids 100% of the time.

Previously you stated that you love them only "sometimes", now you are saying you love them, but not overwhelmingly 100% of the time.

You seem to think that you cannot love your kids and be angry with them at the same time, and that when you are resentful or don't like them, that this must mean you don't love them.

There are times when I don't like DH or my kids but I still love them.

I really think you need some therapy. I am not sure you even know what "love" is.

That is what “sometimes” means— It means not overwhelmingly 100% of the time. No one truly loves anyone 100% of the time. There are times people feel it more or less. Someone’s being a jerk for example you don’t love them as much….that is “sometimes.” I still wish I was not in this situation I did not sign up for or want. It derailed my life and how I wanted to live. I’d like to think that someday it will be worth it when they are adults but I really don’t think that’s going to be the case.

Yes, they do. Parents love their kids, always, no matter how pissed or frustrated they are and even if their kid is an ax murderer. That you deny that speaks volumes about you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe this troll got 18 pages out if this.

This is not a troll post.

Trolling doesn’t always mean a made-up story or fake persona. It also means being combative just to provoke people and cause drama. You, me dear, are the very definition of a troll.

Answering questions and then getting wrong assumptions and me defending myself is not stirring up drama. This is exactly why I do not like a lot of people…you are jerks.

Its not a surprise that you do not like people. You do not have friends, you don't like your family and you don't even like your own kids. Frankly, you are a psychopath. I only hope that you are not a gun owner.

Apparently, you are illiterate. I have friends. Most people generally are selfish and awful though.

oh my.. OP, look in the mirror and say that.

I am way too nice to people. Nice people get screwed.

Oh yeah, I’m sure that’s you’re problem. You’re too nice to people. lol

+1,000. For sure.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, you basically refuted and was combative with every single poster until a poster said what you wanted to hear…. 16 pages in. You are relentless.

It would save everyone, and yourself, a lot of time and grief if you just said “please don’t tell me what you really think. Someone just tell me it gets better.”

People who were not the target audience of my post—which is people with adult children who did not enjoy parenting—should not have posted at all because I’m not interested in their judgmental and ridiculous projections and opinions.

Ironically OP, you come off as harshly judgmental yourself. You asked for opinions to an anonymous board, and when you disagreed you felt compelled to categorize them as “ridiculous”. In reading every single post the vast vast majority of them are very kindly and thoughtfully delivered.

I get your shtick - You are right, you know everything, and everyone else is ridiculous. Your worldview must be correct because you are so logical. And this is the best way to approach life because everyone and everything, albeit a small handful of things, are a pain in the butt.

I was looking for perspectives from those qualified to give it—not projections and assumptions from others. I do not welcome nor do I appreciate comments from other people who like to make assumptions and make recommendations for how I currently live my life when it’s not a problem. I’m not depressed. Kids are absolutely fine. I do not need therapy. I’m well-versed in almost any mental health thing you could possibly imagine. I am deeply unhappy but I do not appreciate people saying I don’t love my kids and all this bull that they’re making up as the reading because I’m responding to peoples questions. Anytime any poster comes to this website and people answer questions they start attacking the original poster. I came to get perspective from people who are qualified to give it not other people offering up opinions that are not wanted or needed or true. Holier than thou vibe on this board is unbelievable and I really wish people would only respond to peoples posts who actually have something to say and knowledge to say it not people who are making massive assumptions. Unless you have something meaningful to say with the perspective of having adult children, don’t say anything at all.

You are all over the place.

You are "deeply unhappy" but not depressed, but it's not a problem. You are sure you don't need therapy because you have read everything about mental illness, but you've come onto an anonymous forum looking for advice and for someone to tell you that it will get better when your kids are older, and you are no longer responsible for your children.

You said earlier that you only love your children "sometimes", so people said "you don't seem to really love your kids", then you get defensive.

You want someone to tell you that you will be a better mother (better meaning not find your children a burden and annoying) when they leave your house and become adults.

I shudder to think what will happen if one of your adult kids needs to come back home and needs you because something bad happened.

I really think you need therapy, and I don't enjoy being a parent most of the time, but I am not deeply unhappy. Why? Because I don't blame and resent my children for my life. You do. That's why you need therapy. No parent should blame a child for existing.

I am a great mom. I don’t like it. I do not need to be better. I need to feel like someday it won’t feel like a waste of my time and loss of my personal goals and independence. I resent my ex for doing this on purpose more than my kids.

Again with the lack of personal responsibility.

Their are single moms of six kids who have learned PhDs and started companies. That you have decided to drop all your goals and interests is your choice. Not your husband's and not your kids.

100% YOU.

Wrong. I can’t do what I want because my income is needed to maintain my kid’s life. I can’t downgrade my job or start a business or go back to school to switch careers 10 years ago like I wanted to. I am not that selfish. There are limitations to risks one can take with children. To act otherwise makes no sense. My ex husband would not allow me to do any of these things. This was a surprise when we got married. He lied to me. I can’t take financial risks divorced. That would be selfish and foolish and detrimental to the kids. I am not a selfish or foolish person.

So you're more incapable and impoverished than someone who became a teen mom but still managed to live their kids.

You're nothing but a narcissistic martyr who blames others for their shortcomings.
You're a miserable failure and the only person to blame for that is you. Not your parents, ex or your kids. YOU.
Because you know you could make things better but you refuse to try
Worse than a failure you're a coward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has posted many, many times. She is completely lacking in insight. Not quite sure what she’s hoping to get from these repeated threads. Just letting everyone know so they can stop wasting their time. OP, just give your kids to their dad already.

They are not comfortable with him. I am the preferred parent. He did 0 for the first 6 years of parenting. Literally ZERO.

That still would not solve the problem. I've already wasted 10 years into this nonsense and I can't fix the trajectory. Him having the kids only would not improve anything and in fact, make it worse.

I wanted to know if people could enjoy kids as adults if they did not like parenting. So far, no one really has that answer. That was the point of the post. I know my life sucks so I don't need more piling on. Be fortunate that you did not have circumstances take your life in a direction you absolutely did not want and then have to deal with the lifelong consequences. There is no "coping" or "therapy" that can fix that. It is what it is and I just have to deal with it.

No one has answered because there are virtually no people who get to year 10 of parenting that feel like you feel. There are people who don't like certain parts of parenting, there are people who feel resentment because they have kids but they still love their kids, but what YOU describe points to a person in a mental health crisis.

People are saying that for YOU, with these problems and your outlook on life, it will not get better, because life is not just about things magically getting better. You have to make them better.

It will get better when your kids get older and more independent and drift from you. And you can become a distant mother and not interact with grandchildren if you don't want.

I'm going to give you a different piece of advice OP, since you clearly aren't really interested in fixing yourself. Get your kids in therapy, and explain these thoughts you have to their therapists. So your children can figure out how to grapple with having a parent like you in a healthy way. I grew up in a very privileged home, my childhood was 'so much better than my parents' and yet, all the money in the world can't buy you emotionally stable parents. And unfortunately kids need that a lot more than they need whatever it is you're buying for them.

So no, your situation will not improve but again, it is because you seem committed to doing literally nothing to improve it.

I am not having a mental health crisis. This is how I feel every day. I survive. That is it. It's drudgery but it is what it is. A mental health crisis is sudden and drastic and an overwhelming feeling of depression. I am not depressed. I was just hoping someone would say, "yeah, I did not particularly like parenting but I enjoy having adult kids."

Being depressed for 10 years and being unable to have a constant love an attachment to children entering double digits is in fact a mental health crisis. It sounds like its been doing on for a very long time.

I know what you were hoping for, but instead you are getting a chorus of people saying your mindset is extremely troubling and abnormal and suggesting you need a medical intervention. You are saying 'you guys are crazy' because you have existed this way for so long you don't recognize the harm and critical nature of the crisis. You're a frog in a hot pot OP. Maybe it will never actually boil, but its close, and its certainly not going to get any cooler.

She just said she isn't depressed so why did you respond with this?

Hi, OP. Because you are clearly very depressed. You’re just in denial.

Op isn't depressed she's a narcissit.

The only thing she's worried about is losing her narrative of life just being so hard and unfair for her. And she's just sacrificed everything

[Anonymous]

Op, stop reading this thread. People are being too mean. You don’t need this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP, you basically refuted and was combative with every single poster until a poster said what you wanted to hear…. 16 pages in. You are relentless.

It would save everyone, and yourself, a lot of time and grief if you just said “please don’t tell me what you really think. Someone just tell me it gets better.”

People who were not the target audience of my post—which is people with adult children who did not enjoy parenting—should not have posted at all because I’m not interested in their judgmental and ridiculous projections and opinions.

Ironically OP, you come off as harshly judgmental yourself. You asked for opinions to an anonymous board, and when you disagreed you felt compelled to categorize them as “ridiculous”. In reading every single post the vast vast majority of them are very kindly and thoughtfully delivered.

I get your shtick - You are right, you know everything, and everyone else is ridiculous. Your worldview must be correct because you are so logical. And this is the best way to approach life because everyone and everything, albeit a small handful of things, are a pain in the butt.

I was looking for perspectives from those qualified to give it—not projections and assumptions from others. I do not welcome nor do I appreciate comments from other people who like to make assumptions and make recommendations for how I currently live my life when it’s not a problem. I’m not depressed. Kids are absolutely fine. I do not need therapy. I’m well-versed in almost any mental health thing you could possibly imagine. I am deeply unhappy but I do not appreciate people saying I don’t love my kids and all this bull that they’re making up as the reading because I’m responding to peoples questions. Anytime any poster comes to this website and people answer questions they start attacking the original poster. I came to get perspective from people who are qualified to give it not other people offering up opinions that are not wanted or needed or true. Holier than thou vibe on this board is unbelievable and I really wish people would only respond to peoples posts who actually have something to say and knowledge to say it not people who are making massive assumptions. Unless you have something meaningful to say with the perspective of having adult children, don’t say anything at all.

You are all over the place.

You are "deeply unhappy" but not depressed, but it's not a problem. You are sure you don't need therapy because you have read everything about mental illness, but you've come onto an anonymous forum looking for advice and for someone to tell you that it will get better when your kids are older, and you are no longer responsible for your children.

You said earlier that you only love your children "sometimes", so people said "you don't seem to really love your kids", then you get defensive.

You want someone to tell you that you will be a better mother (better meaning not find your children a burden and annoying) when they leave your house and become adults.

I shudder to think what will happen if one of your adult kids needs to come back home and needs you because something bad happened.

I really think you need therapy, and I don't enjoy being a parent most of the time, but I am not deeply unhappy. Why? Because I don't blame and resent my children for my life. You do. That's why you need therapy. No parent should blame a child for existing.

I am a great mom. I don’t like it. I do not need to be better. I need to feel like someday it won’t feel like a waste of my time and loss of my personal goals and independence. I resent my ex for doing this on purpose more than my kids.

Again with the lack of personal responsibility.

Their are single moms of six kids who have learned PhDs and started companies. That you have decided to drop all your goals and interests is your choice. Not your husband's and not your kids.

100% YOU.

Wrong. I can’t do what I want because my income is needed to maintain my kid’s life. I can’t downgrade my job or start a business or go back to school to switch careers 10 years ago like I wanted to. I am not that selfish. There are limitations to risks one can take with children. To act otherwise makes no sense. My ex husband would not allow me to do any of these things. This was a surprise when we got married. He lied to me. I can’t take financial risks divorced. That would be selfish and foolish and detrimental to the kids. I am not a selfish or foolish person.

So you're more incapable and impoverished than someone who became a teen mom but still managed to live their kids.

You're nothing but a narcissistic martyr who blames others for their shortcomings.
You're a miserable failure and the only person to blame for that is you. Not your parents, ex or your kids. YOU.
Because you know you could make things better but you refuse to try
Worse than a failure you're a coward.

Okay, maybe step back here. Misogyny isn’t a good look for you. Let this thread die of natural causes.