Hate having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe this troll got 18 pages out if this.

This is not a troll post.

Trolling doesn’t always mean a made-up story or fake persona. It also means being combative just to provoke people and cause drama. You, me dear, are the very definition of a troll.

Answering questions and then getting wrong assumptions and me defending myself is not stirring up drama. This is exactly why I do not like a lot of people…you are jerks.

Its not a surprise that you do not like people. You do not have friends, you don't like your family and you don't even like your own kids. Frankly, you are a psychopath. I only hope that you are not a gun owner.

Apparently, you are illiterate. I have friends. Most people generally are selfish and awful though.

oh my.. OP, look in the mirror and say that.

I am way too nice to people. Nice people get screwed.

this is totally impossible to believe!

[Anonymous]

Yes, it will get better. They will in time become more independent and have more interests outside of the house. You will have more free time to explore your interests.

Keep planning your future. Many years ahead yet to live as you wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe this troll got 18 pages out if this.

This is not a troll post.

Trolling doesn’t always mean a made-up story or fake persona. It also means being combative just to provoke people and cause drama. You, me dear, are the very definition of a troll.

Answering questions and then getting wrong assumptions and me defending myself is not stirring up drama. This is exactly why I do not like a lot of people…you are jerks.

Its not a surprise that you do not like people. You do not have friends, you don't like your family and you don't even like your own kids. Frankly, you are a psychopath. I only hope that you are not a gun owner.

Apparently, you are illiterate. I have friends. Most people generally are selfish and awful though.

oh my.. OP, look in the mirror and say that.

I am way too nice to people. Nice people get screwed.

Oh yeah, I’m sure that’s you’re problem. You’re too nice to people. lol

I got completely taken advantage of in marriage and divorce. I am too nice. I got streamrolled and am now paying the price.

There are two things that are painfully obvious in this thread.

1. Yes, you will always be miserable because you choose to be. But hey, it’s Friday night. At least go watch a good movie.
2. Your children are paying a far higher price.

[Anonymous]

The truth is that after a life changing event like winning the lottery or losing a limb (or having children you don't want), people will be ecstatic or depressed for a little bit, but then they return to their stasis.

I think misery is your stasis, OP. People adjust. You are refusing to adjust. What that should make you think is, oh, I haven't figured out how to adjust to something that I can't change. If I had the tools to do this on my own, I would have done it already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

New poster. OP, please get therapy -- NOT to force yourself to find you don't have, but to help you come up with strategies for raising your kids in a way where they don't grow up feeling they are responsible for your unhappiness. Yes, their existence makes you unhappy but they did not choose to exist and they are at real risk of internalizing your hatred of having them in your life. I say that without judgement, I really do, OP. You can't un-feel what you feel but neither can they just vanish, so to me, this has to be about how you shield them from believing they did something bad or wrong that alienated you.

Not sure I'm phrasing that well, but I'm trying to say: While you absolutely can own your own honest feelings to yourself and your therapist, you do have a responsibility to ensure that your kids do not believe that they, or something they did, are at fault.

Even if you try your hardest to cover up the fact you do not want them in your life, they WILL know, even if it's just a gut feeling they have that you don't like them. They will pick up on it at some point if they haven't already. And it could leave them with permanent issues they will carry into their own relationships in the future. They do exist, they are yours to help raise, and even though you do not want that responsibility or enjoy any aspect of it at all, it's still on your plate. And I'm sorry, because you don't deserve t be so unhappy--but you are the adult here, and the one who can either damage them or power through raising them so they don't feel responsible for something that's about you and not about them.

I actually commend you for pretending for your kids' sakes. Now please get therapy so you can perhaps feel some level of optimism about how you raise them, even if you never can feel any positives or pleasure in that job. It's not a job one can drop entirely, short of leaving the family and cutting off contact and custody, OP, which would guarantee those feelings of "it's my fault" that they don't deserve to have instilled.

Therapy is a waste of time. It will not change my circumstances. I just wanted to know if it gets better when they are adults, but after reading this I really think it won’t be.

OK, well you’re determined to wallow in self-pity and be miserable, so enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Your feelings a valid, but I am betting your kids are picking up on this and behaving accordingly. You need to start monitoring how you behave and talk to them. I'd also suggest hiring more help whether a nanny or mother's helper to give yourself a reprieve.

My kids have no idea.

You are absolutely, completely, unequivocally 100% wrong. But these repeated posts are obviously for attention, so they’re working for you on that level, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Your feelings a valid, but I am betting your kids are picking up on this and behaving accordingly. You need to start monitoring how you behave and talk to them. I'd also suggest hiring more help whether a nanny or mother's helper to give yourself a reprieve.

My kids have no idea.

I bet they do, deep down. BTDT as a child. I could tell.

Well, even if they do, their childhood is 100 times better than mine so I don’t feel sorry for them one bit.

You’re an ugly, ugly person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

What positives? I really feel like there literally are none.

Do you love your children?

Sometimes. Not worth it.

I'm getting the sense from your responses that you view love as transactional. But most people would say that relationships are transformational . . . the act of loving makes us happier (because creating joy in others creates joy in ourselves -- we are all connected). It's not just about receiving love.

It sounds like the part of you capable of caring for others for their own sake was never developed or hidden away to protect yourself in childhood.

DP.. I figured out what OP's problem is... OP is a narcissist.

How can you only love your kids "sometimes", and think they are not worth that love?

It means you only love them when it's probably easy to love them, and even that moment is not worth having kids.

You don't really love them, which is obviously incredibly sad.

Your problem is that you are a narcissist. It's all about *you*.

You are correct that you should never have had any children. Narcissists really shouldn't. But, it's too late now, and I would suggest you get therapy for your narcissim. I 100% think that your kids will need therapy in the future for having a narcissistic parent.

And I'm a PP who stated that I don't really enjoy all aspects of parenting, and never thought about having kids myself. I firmly believe women can be happy without kids, but OP's issue is that she is a narcissist, not that she doesn't like kids. OP may even be anti-social. I know several women who don't like kids, but love theirs unconditionally, including myself. But, narcissists cannot love anyone but themselves, and even the love they *sometimes* have is conditional, and as a PP noted, transactional.

I don't think OP or her grandmothers were depressed. I think they had a mental condition.

I am not a narcissist. My dad is. You have no idea.

I don't like kids and have said that. I'm not antisocial and I've been in love. I don't like large groups but I like close relationships. I know far more about narcs than you.

Narcissism usually develops as a result of childhood trauma and is more likely when one of the parents, or both, are narcissistic or have narcissistic traits. The fact that you think your dad was one is reason enough to go to therapy to explore yourself. Ask me how I know... so yea... please go and get yourself help.

newsflash: I have been to therapy. I am not a narc. I have been told by more than one therapist I don't need to be there and I know what to do. It is not helpful. There is nothing a therapist says or does that I do not know already. I've been down that road. It's not useful or helpful. This is just my life. That is it. I will likely not enjoy kids any more as adults. No one really seems to have an answer about that and that was the point of the post.

That’s a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has posted many, many times. She is completely lacking in insight. Not quite sure what she’s hoping to get from these repeated threads. Just letting everyone know so they can stop wasting their time. OP, just give your kids to their dad already.

They are not comfortable with him. I am the preferred parent. He did 0 for the first 6 years of parenting. Literally ZERO.

That still would not solve the problem. I've already wasted 10 years into this nonsense and I can't fix the trajectory. Him having the kids only would not improve anything and in fact, make it worse.

I wanted to know if people could enjoy kids as adults if they did not like parenting. So far, no one really has that answer. That was the point of the post. I know my life sucks so I don't need more piling on. Be fortunate that you did not have circumstances take your life in a direction you absolutely did not want and then have to deal with the lifelong consequences. There is no "coping" or "therapy" that can fix that. It is what it is and I just have to deal with it.

No one has answered because there are virtually no people who get to year 10 of parenting that feel like you feel. There are people who don't like certain parts of parenting, there are people who feel resentment because they have kids but they still love their kids, but what YOU describe points to a person in a mental health crisis.

People are saying that for YOU, with these problems and your outlook on life, it will not get better, because life is not just about things magically getting better. You have to make them better.

It will get better when your kids get older and more independent and drift from you. And you can become a distant mother and not interact with grandchildren if you don't want.

I'm going to give you a different piece of advice OP, since you clearly aren't really interested in fixing yourself. Get your kids in therapy, and explain these thoughts you have to their therapists. So your children can figure out how to grapple with having a parent like you in a healthy way. I grew up in a very privileged home, my childhood was 'so much better than my parents' and yet, all the money in the world can't buy you emotionally stable parents. And unfortunately kids need that a lot more than they need whatever it is you're buying for them.

So no, your situation will not improve but again, it is because you seem committed to doing literally nothing to improve it.

I am not having a mental health crisis. This is how I feel every day. I survive. That is it. It's drudgery but it is what it is. A mental health crisis is sudden and drastic and an overwhelming feeling of depression. I am not depressed. I was just hoping someone would say, "yeah, I did not particularly like parenting but I enjoy having adult kids."

No, it’s not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you hate about it (I love having kids overall but also hate it a lot of the time and have periods I just want to scream and run away)

Have you tried things to create spaces in your life that aren’t oriented around your kids?

Someone once pointed out to me that historically and even currently globally the wealthy are presented with their kids for an hour a day (or they’re sent to boarding school in England at 10 and only come home on breaks) and that that is a valid model to raise kids. I don’t raise mine that way but in the US/dcum we have culturally decided that is horrid - yet a lot of the world does it when they can afford it and they believe it’s the ideal model to raise great kids

I'm European and was raised this way, like everyone in my family. Somehow we're all well adjusted socially and very close to each other. Here, in America, moms love this whole martyrdom porn and the families are so f*cked up. There's always drama in American families. Sexless marriages, drama with ILs, drama between sisters, who takes care of the parents, who does more for the kids, the kids have mental diseases etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For somebody stating such overtly abnormal thoughts and feelings, you are awfully confident that you couldn't benefit at all from therapy or have any mental health needs yourself.

Often, it is the people with the most to learn who think they have the least. Meanwhile, well-adjusted people are open to finding even more and better ways to be a healthy and whole person. Your knee-jerk rejection of all suggestions of practical help is just another symptom of your serious and deep problems.

I had a really loving upbringing without any real trauma, but sometimes in life I've still hit difficult times and benefited from therapy. For instance, I needed to grieve the sudden loss of a parent, and another time I discovered my spouse was having an affair. Grief at loss and betrayal is a very normal and natural thing -- it doesn't mean that there was anything wrong with me -- but I still benefited from dedicating that hour every week to working through my feelings with a professional. And again, despite my history of no known mental illness or FOO issues, I've never had a chorus of therapists telling me, "Oh you? No way should you do therapy!" I wonder if you heard what you wanted to hear in what they said (if for no other reason than therapists would be out of business if they went around telling people with trauma as deep as yours that they are fine and should just not bother with therapy).


The fact that you didn't want children and the fact that you haven't bonded with your children are two separate issues. The former is fairly common, as you assert. The latter is not. As I mentioned in another comment, we are biologically designed to bond with our children. Our survival is literally at stake. Your genetic history and upbringing combined to cause you great difficulty in this area. In your rational mind, you aware that your children have needs that you need to provide. Emotional closeness is one of those needs. If you still won't go to therapy, I suggest reading up on healthy attachment.

I have been an editor of a mental health journal. I assure you I do not need to read anything. I’ve read it all. I know a ton about mental health issues. People can really stop posting the therapy stuff. I know it all.

OK, now we know you’re a troll. Everyone, stop wasting your time responding. You’re just feeding it attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe this troll got 18 pages out if this.

This is not a troll post.

Trolling doesn’t always mean a made-up story or fake persona. It also means being combative just to provoke people and cause drama. You, me dear, are the very definition of a troll.

Answering questions and then getting wrong assumptions and me defending myself is not stirring up drama. This is exactly why I do not like a lot of people…you are jerks.

Its not a surprise that you do not like people. You do not have friends, you don't like your family and you don't even like your own kids. Frankly, you are a psychopath. I only hope that you are not a gun owner.

Apparently, you are illiterate. I have friends. Most people generally are selfish and awful though.

oh my.. OP, look in the mirror and say that.

I am way too nice to people. Nice people get screwed.

Oh yeah, I’m sure that’s you’re problem. You’re too nice to people. lol

I got completely taken advantage of in marriage and divorce. I am too nice. I got streamrolled and am now paying the price.

OP, being a doormat and/or a perpetual victim is not the same as being nice. Given the tone you’ve used in this thread, I’m guessing “nice” would not be how most people in your life describe you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only people who should even be responding to this post are people adult children. If you don’t have any, stop commenting.

No. You’re not the board monitor.

[Anonymous]

I hated hated parenting small children. So physically taxing and mentally numbing It gets better when they are teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what are you hoping to get out of this thread, OP? You have an answer for every poster that makes it seem as though you're not interested in what anyone has to say...why post then?

I want to hear from people with adult children who did not find the “joy of parenting” with kids. If you are not a person with adult children who fits his description, your comments are unwanted, inappropriate, judgmental, and a waste of time. I don’t need your advice or judgment or armchair therapy, which is ridiculous. I’m looking for perspectives of people with adult children and if they feel better or not when their children are adults. I am not interested in perspectives of people who are judgmental who don’t understand my circumstances at all and who are completely overwhelmed with the joy of parenting.

None of that matters. Anyone who chooses to respond can respond in any way they like.