Hate having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Your feelings a valid, but I am betting your kids are picking up on this and behaving accordingly. You need to start monitoring how you behave and talk to them. I'd also suggest hiring more help whether a nanny or mother's helper to give yourself a reprieve.

My kids have no idea.

I bet they do, deep down. BTDT as a child. I could tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Well, your kids are here now and they had no say in being born. Do your job and raise them well till they’re 18 at least. Go to therapy if you need to.

I never said I’m not doing my job; I’m doing my job. I’m saying that I absolutely hate; it there’s a difference. I hate cleaning toilets, but I’m really good at it. it’s the same thing.

The difference is that a toilet seat can't tell if you hate it. And part of parenting well is ensuring your kids believe that you love them. If a toilet seat was a sentient being, it would be fairly depressed about how everyone in the house viewed it. Even if it was always sparkling.

+1 I do not love parenting, but, I love my kids, and I make sure they know that. They can see how I don't like doing certain aspects of parenting. I don't need to be a perfect parent, but they need to know that I love them fiercely.

Agree with this. I don't love parenting. It's tedious and all consuming, especially if you are trying to do your best. I do love my kids. I do not like the vast majority of other people's kids (though I'm not rude to them or anything like that).

I make the most of it and treat my kids like people rather than children. I don't over burden them with adult issues, but they aren't babied either.

Even though you may not feel like it in the moment, parenting years are only a fraction of our actual life spans (on average). You will get to brighter days OP.

The problem is is that kids alter the trajectory of your life and they are things that I wanted to do with that I could not do because I married an abusive jerk who hid it in advance and ended up with unplanned kids and by the time they are adults, I will be old. I can’t see how it will be better later. It’s literally a waste of two decades to do something you don’t wanna do when I could’ve been doing other things.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Do you like the children OP? Do you have a spouse that loves the children? This is difficult because you are not discussing them like they are humans, but rather that they are a job. If you enjoy them as people but dislike being a parent well, you're 10 years in. Suck it up for another 8 years and try your best to make them feel like you love them, because you owe it to them after choosing to be in their life this long.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not having kids, or not being a kid person. But there is a lot wrong with abandoning a 10 year old or making a child grow up knowing their parent resents them. You have them, you need to find out how to minimize the damage your dislike is doing.

Some days I like them. But I still hate that I am in this situation. I left the ex that forced this.

How did someone force you to have more than one child in the US?

Do you not understand how a man can have sex with you even when you say no? If they want a baby and refuse to use a condom and know that you are not on birth control even temporarily—like for two days— you can get pregnant from having sex one time! I know because it happened to me twice. There was no sex between the kids’ conception. I was married for 10 years. There was no sex at all after the second kids conception that was not supposed to happen so there was no sex for seven years at all. All it takes is one time to get pregnant. Some men refuse to take no for an answer. They refuse to wear the condom or a condom brakes or if you were off the pill temporarily that’s all it takes…is one time. I was with someone who purposely wanted to get me pregnant so I wouldn’t leave.

So why didn't you get an abortion and leave?

Believe me, I wanted to. I was raised too religiously. I now wish I had done it.

Do you take responsibility for any choices you made in your life?

[Anonymous]

Lots of parents feel this way, though it's usually a secret we keep with ourselves.

I remember reading this article in the New Yorker in 2010 and feeling better than I wasn't the only one. It's kind of long, but worth the read.

JULY 2, 2010
All Joy and No Fun
By Jennifer Senior

https://nymag.com/news/features/67024/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Your feelings a valid, but I am betting your kids are picking up on this and behaving accordingly. You need to start monitoring how you behave and talk to them. I'd also suggest hiring more help whether a nanny or mother's helper to give yourself a reprieve.

My kids have no idea.

They do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you like the children OP? Do you have a spouse that loves the children? This is difficult because you are not discussing them like they are humans, but rather that they are a job. If you enjoy them as people but dislike being a parent well, you're 10 years in. Suck it up for another 8 years and try your best to make them feel like you love them, because you owe it to them after choosing to be in their life this long.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not having kids, or not being a kid person. But there is a lot wrong with abandoning a 10 year old or making a child grow up knowing their parent resents them. You have them, you need to find out how to minimize the damage your dislike is doing.

Some days I like them. But I still hate that I am in this situation. I left the ex that forced this.

How did someone force you to have more than one child in the US?

Do you not understand how a man can have sex with you even when you say no? If they want a baby and refuse to use a condom and know that you are not on birth control even temporarily—like for two days— you can get pregnant from having sex one time! I know because it happened to me twice. There was no sex between the kids’ conception. I was married for 10 years. There was no sex at all after the second kids conception that was not supposed to happen so there was no sex for seven years at all. All it takes is one time to get pregnant. Some men refuse to take no for an answer. They refuse to wear the condom or a condom brakes or if you were off the pill temporarily that’s all it takes…is one time. I was with someone who purposely wanted to get me pregnant so I wouldn’t leave.

So why didn't you get an abortion and leave?

Believe me, I wanted to. I was raised too religiously. I now wish I had done it.

Do you take responsibility for any choices you made in your life?

I already said I made the mistake of getting married.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Your feelings a valid, but I am betting your kids are picking up on this and behaving accordingly. You need to start monitoring how you behave and talk to them. I'd also suggest hiring more help whether a nanny or mother's helper to give yourself a reprieve.

My kids have no idea.

I bet they do, deep down. BTDT as a child. I could tell.

Well, even if they do, their childhood is 100 times better than mine so I don’t feel sorry for them one bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

What positives? I really feel like there literally are none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

New poster. OP, please get therapy -- NOT to force yourself to find you don't have, but to help you come up with strategies for raising your kids in a way where they don't grow up feeling they are responsible for your unhappiness. Yes, their existence makes you unhappy but they did not choose to exist and they are at real risk of internalizing your hatred of having them in your life. I say that without judgement, I really do, OP. You can't un-feel what you feel but neither can they just vanish, so to me, this has to be about how you shield them from believing they did something bad or wrong that alienated you.

Not sure I'm phrasing that well, but I'm trying to say: While you absolutely can own your own honest feelings to yourself and your therapist, you do have a responsibility to ensure that your kids do not believe that they, or something they did, are at fault.

Even if you try your hardest to cover up the fact you do not want them in your life, they WILL know, even if it's just a gut feeling they have that you don't like them. They will pick up on it at some point if they haven't already. And it could leave them with permanent issues they will carry into their own relationships in the future. They do exist, they are yours to help raise, and even though you do not want that responsibility or enjoy any aspect of it at all, it's still on your plate. And I'm sorry, because you don't deserve t be so unhappy--but you are the adult here, and the one who can either damage them or power through raising them so they don't feel responsible for something that's about you and not about them.

I actually commend you for pretending for your kids' sakes. Now please get therapy so you can perhaps feel some level of optimism about how you raise them, even if you never can feel any positives or pleasure in that job. It's not a job one can drop entirely, short of leaving the family and cutting off contact and custody, OP, which would guarantee those feelings of "it's my fault" that they don't deserve to have instilled.

Therapy is a waste of time. It will not change my circumstances. I just wanted to know if it gets better when they are adults, but after reading this I really think it won’t be.

Therapy can work. It won't work for you because you want a magic wand and to blame everyone else for your situation and simultaneously wallow in self pity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:And this, folks, is Exhibit A why abortion and birth control should be legal.

Yep.

Presumably OP had access to birth control (maybe not?) But was pressured by a spouse and maybe also society ("it will be different when they're your own" "who will take care of you when you're old?!") The real solution is more honesty about the realities of raising children, and more support for those who do not want to have kids (I am childfree and stuck to my guns, but into my late 30s people still pestered me and told me I would change my mind or regret my decision.

Sorry OP - I feel you. But take serious note about the points above regarding your children internalizing your feelings no matter how much you try to hide them. It's real and it sucks, and your kids will distance themselves from you as soon as they are able and you won't be able to enjoy them as adults (as others have proposed) because they will want nothing to do with you. Good luck, sincerely.

Frankly, I would be fine if they had nothing to do with me because I don’t want grandchildren.

DP.. I don't care if I have grandchildren or not. I was not even that keen on having kids, but you sound really miserable. I don't think a woman *must* have kids, but your phrasing makes you sound like a truly miserable person.

Is there anyone in your life that you love and have a great relationship with? Do you think your kids know you don't like them?

Are you in therapy? You sound like you could benefit from it.

I’ve been miserable since making the life altering mistake of getting married, which I really did not want to do.
I have some friends. I have a good relationship with a sibling. That is it. My parents are awful people and kids ensure that I have to continue seeing them unfortunately. If I didn’t have kids, I would not see them at all. Another obligation I have to do because I have kids.

big key there. The cycle continues.

You made a bunch of bad decisions that made you miserable. You need therapy to accept the decisions that you made.

I honestly feel sorry for your kids. I'm the ^PP, and like I said, I don't think a woman *needs* to have kids, but I do think you need therapy.

Just because your grandmothers felt the same way doesn't mean they were not depressed; or maybe they had other issues, same as you.

It's one thing to not want to have kids; it's another to "hate having kids" such that you hate being a parent and you see them as "obligations".

And you are deluding yourself if you don't think your kids can tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Your feelings a valid, but I am betting your kids are picking up on this and behaving accordingly. You need to start monitoring how you behave and talk to them. I'd also suggest hiring more help whether a nanny or mother's helper to give yourself a reprieve.

My kids have no idea.

I bet they do, deep down. BTDT as a child. I could tell.

Well, even if they do, their childhood is 100 times better than mine so I don’t feel sorry for them one bit.

See folks op has no interest in changing. You can stop feeding into her narcissistic pity party now.she doesn't give a shit and she doesn't want to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Your feelings a valid, but I am betting your kids are picking up on this and behaving accordingly. You need to start monitoring how you behave and talk to them. I'd also suggest hiring more help whether a nanny or mother's helper to give yourself a reprieve.

My kids have no idea.

I bet they do, deep down. BTDT as a child. I could tell.

Well, even if they do, their childhood is 100 times better than mine so I don’t feel sorry for them one bit.

This is telling... I think you really need therapy to process your childhood.

My armchair pschotherapy: your childhood colored your view of parenting and your kids. It's a cycle. You need to break that cycle.

It won't get better when they become adults because the problem is *you*, not them.

[Anonymous]

You had horrible, controlling parents who used religion to control and married a man who did the same. You feel miserable and trapped. It will not get any better with children at any age until YOU get better. Wherever you go, there you are. Get therapy and medication before you repeat the same cycle with your children. Yes, you were/are a victim, but quit the pity party and get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

What positives? I really feel like there literally are none.

Love in and of itself is a huge positive. Having the opportunity to love and be loved is a great blessing.

OP, do you think you held yourself back from bonding with the kids because of not wanting them? Or do you think you struggle with the capacity to care for others in general?