Hate having kids

[Anonymous]

Treat them with respect and kindness as much as you can. You still have a chance at having a great relationship with them when they’re adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think you're deserving of things being easier and having a great relationship with them when they are older when you haven't invested in them now?

And sending them to great schools, buying nice clothes and yours, and feeding them ,not beating them is not investing in them.

I did not ask for things to be easier. I do not describe things as “hard.” I asked if I would ever feel better when they are grown up. If you dislike raising kids, can it feel better when they are adults? Do you like having adult children? That was the question. I was not asking about something being easier.

Can what feel better?

Can you like your adult children better?

Can you be happier when you are no longer tied down to your minor children?

If you dislike children, and clearly you find your children annoying as well, then sure, you will feel "better" when you are no longer responsible for minor children.

But no one can tell you if you will like your adult children, because honestly, you just sound like a miserable person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you basically refuted and was combative with every single poster until a poster said what you wanted to hear…. 16 pages in. You are relentless.

It would save everyone, and yourself, a lot of time and grief if you just said “please don’t tell me what you really think. Someone just tell me it gets better.”

People who were not the target audience of my post—which is people with adult children who did not enjoy parenting—should not have posted at all because I’m not interested in their judgmental and ridiculous projections and opinions.

Ironically OP, you come off as harshly judgmental yourself. You asked for opinions to an anonymous board, and when you disagreed you felt compelled to categorize them as “ridiculous”. In reading every single post the vast vast majority of them are very kindly and thoughtfully delivered.

I get your shtick - You are right, you know everything, and everyone else is ridiculous. Your worldview must be correct because you are so logical. And this is the best way to approach life because everyone and everything, albeit a small handful of things, are a pain in the butt.

I was looking for perspectives from those qualified to give it—not projections and assumptions from others. I do not welcome nor do I appreciate comments from other people who like to make assumptions and make recommendations for how I currently live my life when it’s not a problem. I’m not depressed. Kids are absolutely fine. I do not need therapy. I’m well-versed in almost any mental health thing you could possibly imagine. I am deeply unhappy but I do not appreciate people saying I don’t love my kids and all this bull that they’re making up as the reading because I’m responding to peoples questions. Anytime any poster comes to this website and people answer questions they start attacking the original poster. I came to get perspective from people who are qualified to give it not other people offering up opinions that are not wanted or needed or true. Holier than thou vibe on this board is unbelievable and I really wish people would only respond to peoples posts who actually have something to say and knowledge to say it not people who are making massive assumptions. Unless you have something meaningful to say with the perspective of having adult children, don’t say anything at all.

You are all over the place.

You are "deeply unhappy" but not depressed, but it's not a problem. You are sure you don't need therapy because you have read everything about mental illness, but you've come onto an anonymous forum looking for advice and for someone to tell you that it will get better when your kids are older, and you are no longer responsible for your children.

You said earlier that you only love your children "sometimes", so people said "you don't seem to really love your kids", then you get defensive.

You want someone to tell you that you will be a better mother (better meaning not find your children a burden and annoying) when they leave your house and become adults.

I shudder to think what will happen if one of your adult kids needs to come back home and needs you because something bad happened.

I really think you need therapy, and I don't enjoy being a parent most of the time, but I am not deeply unhappy. Why? Because I don't blame and resent my children for my life. You do. That's why you need therapy. No parent should blame a child for existing.

I am a great mom. I don’t like it. I do not need to be better. I need to feel like someday it won’t feel like a waste of my time and loss of my personal goals and independence. I resent my ex for doing this on purpose more than my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Treat them with respect and kindness as much as you can. You still have a chance at having a great relationship with them when they’re adults.

I am not worried about that. That is not the problem. The problem is I am afraid I will always feel it was not worth it. Even when they are adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you basically refuted and was combative with every single poster until a poster said what you wanted to hear…. 16 pages in. You are relentless.

It would save everyone, and yourself, a lot of time and grief if you just said “please don’t tell me what you really think. Someone just tell me it gets better.”

People who were not the target audience of my post—which is people with adult children who did not enjoy parenting—should not have posted at all because I’m not interested in their judgmental and ridiculous projections and opinions.

Ironically OP, you come off as harshly judgmental yourself. You asked for opinions to an anonymous board, and when you disagreed you felt compelled to categorize them as “ridiculous”. In reading every single post the vast vast majority of them are very kindly and thoughtfully delivered.

I get your shtick - You are right, you know everything, and everyone else is ridiculous. Your worldview must be correct because you are so logical. And this is the best way to approach life because everyone and everything, albeit a small handful of things, are a pain in the butt.

I was looking for perspectives from those qualified to give it—not projections and assumptions from others. I do not welcome nor do I appreciate comments from other people who like to make assumptions and make recommendations for how I currently live my life when it’s not a problem. I’m not depressed. Kids are absolutely fine. I do not need therapy. I’m well-versed in almost any mental health thing you could possibly imagine. I am deeply unhappy but I do not appreciate people saying I don’t love my kids and all this bull that they’re making up as the reading because I’m responding to peoples questions. Anytime any poster comes to this website and people answer questions they start attacking the original poster. I came to get perspective from people who are qualified to give it not other people offering up opinions that are not wanted or needed or true. Holier than thou vibe on this board is unbelievable and I really wish people would only respond to peoples posts who actually have something to say and knowledge to say it not people who are making massive assumptions. Unless you have something meaningful to say with the perspective of having adult children, don’t say anything at all.

You are all over the place.

You are "deeply unhappy" but not depressed, but it's not a problem. You are sure you don't need therapy because you have read everything about mental illness, but you've come onto an anonymous forum looking for advice and for someone to tell you that it will get better when your kids are older, and you are no longer responsible for your children.

You said earlier that you only love your children "sometimes", so people said "you don't seem to really love your kids", then you get defensive.

You want someone to tell you that you will be a better mother (better meaning not find your children a burden and annoying) when they leave your house and become adults.

I shudder to think what will happen if one of your adult kids needs to come back home and needs you because something bad happened.

I really think you need therapy, and I don't enjoy being a parent most of the time, but I am not deeply unhappy. Why? Because I don't blame and resent my children for my life. You do. That's why you need therapy. No parent should blame a child for existing.

I am a great mom. I don’t like it. I do not need to be better. I need to feel like someday it won’t feel like a waste of my time and loss of my personal goals and independence. I resent my ex for doing this on purpose more than my kids.

Again with the lack of personal responsibility.

Their are single moms of six kids who have learned PhDs and started companies. That you have decided to drop all your goals and interests is your choice. Not your husband's and not your kids.

100% YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat them with respect and kindness as much as you can. You still have a chance at having a great relationship with them when they’re adults.

I am not worried about that. That is not the problem. The problem is I am afraid I will always feel it was not worth it. Even when they are adults.

Your attitude and outlook is up to you.Has nothing to do with your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe this troll got 18 pages out if this.

This is not a troll post.

Trolling doesn’t always mean a made-up story or fake persona. It also means being combative just to provoke people and cause drama. You, me dear, are the very definition of a troll.

Answering questions and then getting wrong assumptions and me defending myself is not stirring up drama. This is exactly why I do not like a lot of people…you are jerks.

Its not a surprise that you do not like people. You do not have friends, you don't like your family and you don't even like your own kids. Frankly, you are a psychopath. I only hope that you are not a gun owner.

Apparently, you are illiterate. I have friends. Most people generally are selfish and awful though.

oh my.. OP, look in the mirror and say that.

I am way too nice to people. Nice people get screwed.

Oh yeah, I’m sure that’s you’re problem. You’re too nice to people. lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat them with respect and kindness as much as you can. You still have a chance at having a great relationship with them when they’re adults.

I am not worried about that. That is not the problem. The problem is I am afraid I will always feel it was not worth it. Even when they are adults.

Ok so what if you do always feel like it wasn’t worth it? No one here is going to provide you the reassurance that you might not always feel a certain way. You said you read all this mental health literature - this is like psych 101. You have feelings. You need to deal with them. Worrying about how you might feel is a waste of time right? Because you won’t know how you’ll feel in the future until you arrive there and then it will be the present, so just take it day by day. I think you’re anger and frustration is with your ex. And despite your deep knowledge of mental health it might be worth speaking with someone about your fears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you basically refuted and was combative with every single poster until a poster said what you wanted to hear…. 16 pages in. You are relentless.

It would save everyone, and yourself, a lot of time and grief if you just said “please don’t tell me what you really think. Someone just tell me it gets better.”

People who were not the target audience of my post—which is people with adult children who did not enjoy parenting—should not have posted at all because I’m not interested in their judgmental and ridiculous projections and opinions.

Ironically OP, you come off as harshly judgmental yourself. You asked for opinions to an anonymous board, and when you disagreed you felt compelled to categorize them as “ridiculous”. In reading every single post the vast vast majority of them are very kindly and thoughtfully delivered.

I get your shtick - You are right, you know everything, and everyone else is ridiculous. Your worldview must be correct because you are so logical. And this is the best way to approach life because everyone and everything, albeit a small handful of things, are a pain in the butt.

I was looking for perspectives from those qualified to give it—not projections and assumptions from others. I do not welcome nor do I appreciate comments from other people who like to make assumptions and make recommendations for how I currently live my life when it’s not a problem. I’m not depressed. Kids are absolutely fine. I do not need therapy. I’m well-versed in almost any mental health thing you could possibly imagine. I am deeply unhappy but I do not appreciate people saying I don’t love my kids and all this bull that they’re making up as the reading because I’m responding to peoples questions. Anytime any poster comes to this website and people answer questions they start attacking the original poster. I came to get perspective from people who are qualified to give it not other people offering up opinions that are not wanted or needed or true. Holier than thou vibe on this board is unbelievable and I really wish people would only respond to peoples posts who actually have something to say and knowledge to say it not people who are making massive assumptions. Unless you have something meaningful to say with the perspective of having adult children, don’t say anything at all.

You are all over the place.

You are "deeply unhappy" but not depressed, but it's not a problem. You are sure you don't need therapy because you have read everything about mental illness, but you've come onto an anonymous forum looking for advice and for someone to tell you that it will get better when your kids are older, and you are no longer responsible for your children.

You said earlier that you only love your children "sometimes", so people said "you don't seem to really love your kids", then you get defensive.

You want someone to tell you that you will be a better mother (better meaning not find your children a burden and annoying) when they leave your house and become adults.

I shudder to think what will happen if one of your adult kids needs to come back home and needs you because something bad happened.

I really think you need therapy, and I don't enjoy being a parent most of the time, but I am not deeply unhappy. Why? Because I don't blame and resent my children for my life. You do. That's why you need therapy. No parent should blame a child for existing.

I am a great mom. I don’t like it. I do not need to be better. I need to feel like someday it won’t feel like a waste of my time and loss of my personal goals and independence. I resent my ex for doing this on purpose more than my kids.

Again with the lack of personal responsibility.

Their are single moms of six kids who have learned PhDs and started companies. That you have decided to drop all your goals and interests is your choice. Not your husband's and not your kids.

100% YOU.

Wrong. I can’t do what I want because my income is needed to maintain my kid’s life. I can’t downgrade my job or start a business or go back to school to switch careers 10 years ago like I wanted to. I am not that selfish. There are limitations to risks one can take with children. To act otherwise makes no sense. My ex husband would not allow me to do any of these things. This was a surprise when we got married. He lied to me. I can’t take financial risks divorced. That would be selfish and foolish and detrimental to the kids. I am not a selfish or foolish person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be fortunate that you did not have circumstances take your life in a direction you absolutely did not want and then have to deal with the lifelong consequences. There is no "coping" or "therapy" that can fix that. It is what it is and I just have to deal with it.

OP, I just wanted to offer some compassion. I understand your situation because it happened to me as well - just in the opposite. My narcissist mother coerced me into having an abortion I didn’t want, which destroyed a very loving relationship with a man and his whole wonderful family that I did very much want. The trajectory of my life was totally altered and the end result is that I never married or had children and now at 51 and in menopause my life feels entirely without purpose. Many people would look at my resume and life experiences and think it had been rich and full, but the truth is that I have lived all my life waiting for it to start and now I realize fully that it never will, I will never have the life I wanted and dreamed of as a child. No amount of therapy (which I’m doing, to cope with my childhood ptsd and depression) can ever fix this or give me the life I wanted.

I still recommend the therapy. And I would urge you to do all that you can to communicate love to your children - it’s not their fault you didn’t want them. Do your best to show them acceptance and affection as much as you can.

You have my sympathy. It’s an awful thing to have your life stolen by narcissistic parenting or by a narcissistic spouse. You didn’t consent to that. But you are where you are and need to make the best of it. Hang in there.

In bold…I already do that. I do not need this advice, but thanks. People do not seem to understand…they really have no idea. But for me, it is neverending loss of a life I can’t have due to a bad marriage and forced reproduction, which was not the agreement. Will this someday feel worth it? That was my question. But in all likelihood I will never feel like it is and I know I am going to get stuck being a grandmother and it will never end.

DP. Responding to the bold in you post above and ONLY to the bold:

No, you cannot "know" you are "going to get stuck being a grandmother." Your children may not have children or may have them but never ask anything at all of you. Are you assuming that you will be asked to care for these future grandchildren, OP?

You have full control over that, OP. Refuse. Or ensure you live so far away from your adult children that there's no chance they are ever going to ask you for any assistance. I'm serious. Remove yourself from their adult lives if you want to be certain you are never asked to care for or even meet any grandchildren. If it turns out that, as you keep asking and asking about here, things DO get better as your children become adults, and you reach some form of peace with their existence, it will mean you have to choose at that point whether you want to maintain any relationship with your adult children IF maintaining that relationship includes acknowledging the existence of their own children.

It is sad that with your kids, what, under 10 years old, you are already dreading, fearing and resenting (in advance!) grandchildren who aren't even conceived yet. That is giving nonexistent people a LOT of power over your mind and emotions. This is the stuff therapy could help with -- resenting unborn people who may never exist at all. But since therapy cannot magically change your current life, you dismiss it every time it's mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe this troll got 18 pages out if this.

This is not a troll post.

Trolling doesn’t always mean a made-up story or fake persona. It also means being combative just to provoke people and cause drama. You, me dear, are the very definition of a troll.

Answering questions and then getting wrong assumptions and me defending myself is not stirring up drama. This is exactly why I do not like a lot of people…you are jerks.

Its not a surprise that you do not like people. You do not have friends, you don't like your family and you don't even like your own kids. Frankly, you are a psychopath. I only hope that you are not a gun owner.

Apparently, you are illiterate. I have friends. Most people generally are selfish and awful though.

oh my.. OP, look in the mirror and say that.

I am way too nice to people. Nice people get screwed.

Oh yeah, I’m sure that’s you’re problem. You’re too nice to people. lol

I got completely taken advantage of in marriage and divorce. I am too nice. I got streamrolled and am now paying the price.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be fortunate that you did not have circumstances take your life in a direction you absolutely did not want and then have to deal with the lifelong consequences. There is no "coping" or "therapy" that can fix that. It is what it is and I just have to deal with it.

OP, I just wanted to offer some compassion. I understand your situation because it happened to me as well - just in the opposite. My narcissist mother coerced me into having an abortion I didn’t want, which destroyed a very loving relationship with a man and his whole wonderful family that I did very much want. The trajectory of my life was totally altered and the end result is that I never married or had children and now at 51 and in menopause my life feels entirely without purpose. Many people would look at my resume and life experiences and think it had been rich and full, but the truth is that I have lived all my life waiting for it to start and now I realize fully that it never will, I will never have the life I wanted and dreamed of as a child. No amount of therapy (which I’m doing, to cope with my childhood ptsd and depression) can ever fix this or give me the life I wanted.

I still recommend the therapy. And I would urge you to do all that you can to communicate love to your children - it’s not their fault you didn’t want them. Do your best to show them acceptance and affection as much as you can.

You have my sympathy. It’s an awful thing to have your life stolen by narcissistic parenting or by a narcissistic spouse. You didn’t consent to that. But you are where you are and need to make the best of it. Hang in there.

In bold…I already do that. I do not need this advice, but thanks. People do not seem to understand…they really have no idea. But for me, it is neverending loss of a life I can’t have due to a bad marriage and forced reproduction, which was not the agreement. Will this someday feel worth it? That was my question. But in all likelihood I will never feel like it is and I know I am going to get stuck being a grandmother and it will never end.

DP. Responding to the bold in you post above and ONLY to the bold:

No, you cannot "know" you are "going to get stuck being a grandmother." Your children may not have children or may have them but never ask anything at all of you. Are you assuming that you will be asked to care for these future grandchildren, OP?

You have full control over that, OP. Refuse. Or ensure you live so far away from your adult children that there's no chance they are ever going to ask you for any assistance. I'm serious. Remove yourself from their adult lives if you want to be certain you are never asked to care for or even meet any grandchildren. If it turns out that, as you keep asking and asking about here, things DO get better as your children become adults, and you reach some form of peace with their existence, it will mean you have to choose at that point whether you want to maintain any relationship with your adult children IF maintaining that relationship includes acknowledging the existence of their own children.

It is sad that with your kids, what, under 10 years old, you are already dreading, fearing and resenting (in advance!) grandchildren who aren't even conceived yet. That is giving nonexistent people a LOT of power over your mind and emotions. This is the stuff therapy could help with -- resenting unborn people who may never exist at all. But since therapy cannot magically change your current life, you dismiss it every time it's mentioned.

My kids already talk about having kids.

[Anonymous]

How many kids do you have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be fortunate that you did not have circumstances take your life in a direction you absolutely did not want and then have to deal with the lifelong consequences. There is no "coping" or "therapy" that can fix that. It is what it is and I just have to deal with it.

OP, I just wanted to offer some compassion. I understand your situation because it happened to me as well - just in the opposite. My narcissist mother coerced me into having an abortion I didn’t want, which destroyed a very loving relationship with a man and his whole wonderful family that I did very much want. The trajectory of my life was totally altered and the end result is that I never married or had children and now at 51 and in menopause my life feels entirely without purpose. Many people would look at my resume and life experiences and think it had been rich and full, but the truth is that I have lived all my life waiting for it to start and now I realize fully that it never will, I will never have the life I wanted and dreamed of as a child. No amount of therapy (which I’m doing, to cope with my childhood ptsd and depression) can ever fix this or give me the life I wanted.

I still recommend the therapy. And I would urge you to do all that you can to communicate love to your children - it’s not their fault you didn’t want them. Do your best to show them acceptance and affection as much as you can.

You have my sympathy. It’s an awful thing to have your life stolen by narcissistic parenting or by a narcissistic spouse. You didn’t consent to that. But you are where you are and need to make the best of it. Hang in there.

In bold…I already do that. I do not need this advice, but thanks. People do not seem to understand…they really have no idea. But for me, it is neverending loss of a life I can’t have due to a bad marriage and forced reproduction, which was not the agreement. Will this someday feel worth it? That was my question. But in all likelihood I will never feel like it is and I know I am going to get stuck being a grandmother and it will never end.

DP. Responding to the bold in you post above and ONLY to the bold:

No, you cannot "know" you are "going to get stuck being a grandmother." Your children may not have children or may have them but never ask anything at all of you. Are you assuming that you will be asked to care for these future grandchildren, OP?

You have full control over that, OP. Refuse. Or ensure you live so far away from your adult children that there's no chance they are ever going to ask you for any assistance. I'm serious. Remove yourself from their adult lives if you want to be certain you are never asked to care for or even meet any grandchildren. If it turns out that, as you keep asking and asking about here, things DO get better as your children become adults, and you reach some form of peace with their existence, it will mean you have to choose at that point whether you want to maintain any relationship with your adult children IF maintaining that relationship includes acknowledging the existence of their own children.

It is sad that with your kids, what, under 10 years old, you are already dreading, fearing and resenting (in advance!) grandchildren who aren't even conceived yet. That is giving nonexistent people a LOT of power over your mind and emotions. This is the stuff therapy could help with -- resenting unborn people who may never exist at all. But since therapy cannot magically change your current life, you dismiss it every time it's mentioned.

My kids already talk about having kids.

Yeah, 10-year-olds do that. Doesn’t mean they’ll still want kids in their 20s or 30s. Why do you only engage to complain, OP, rather than responding to the people who offer more positive possibilities for you since that is, in fact, what you asked for?

[Anonymous]

Op doesn’t address anything about how she takes no responsibility for her own life. Doesn’t try to get help to become happier, doesn’t acknowledge how her misery negatively affects her kids and herself but she doesn’t want to try and work on that…take charge of your life and your happiness, OP! Stop making excuses and acting like being miserable is fine.