Hate having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

I'm sorry you've ended up in this situation. I can say that it's possible you'll like it more when your kid(s) are full grown adults (10ish years to go?) -- some my relatives who dislike kids and were just sort of dutifully present for my childhood have turned out to be friends now that we're all adults and they don't have feel like they're in any way responsible for me. I hope you have a partner/family/friends who do genuinely enjoy kids who can help out and give you space to be entirely yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you hate about it (I love having kids overall but also hate it a lot of the time and have periods I just want to scream and run away)

Have you tried things to create spaces in your life that aren’t oriented around your kids?

Someone once pointed out to me that historically and even currently globally the wealthy are presented with their kids for an hour a day (or they’re sent to boarding school in England at 10 and only come home on breaks) and that that is a valid model to raise kids. I don’t raise mine that way but in the US/dcum we have culturally decided that is horrid - yet a lot of the world does it when they can afford it and they believe it’s the ideal model to raise great kids

Well not to be pedantic, but the parents in this case are not "raising" the kids. This is like saying "lots of people outsource house cleaning to other people and this is a valid way to clean your house." I mean, yes, sure it is. But then you aren't cleaning your house, your housecleaner is. You can give me tips on hiring a house cleaner, but I'm not taking your advice on scrubbing the shower, a think you never do, because you'd have no idea what you were talking about.

Also, the idea that hiring people to raise your kids is a "great model" relies on the idea that there is and will always be a ready workforce of people who will raise other people's kids for them. Wealthy people can pay these people very well. The rest of us cannot. If this is an amazing model, then how do you scale it without either exploiting an underpaid workforce or short-changing your kids? You can't. So the reason people are dismissive of this as a model is not because they are so obsessed with hands on parenting, but because it is simply not economically feasible to raise generations of children this way.

Also some people like their kids and find parenting rewarding, but OP apparently doesn't, so I guess that's off topic for this thread.

I was trying to offer OP an idea that if part of what they hate is the relentless pressure of the current American parenting culture - they don’t have to do it that way. If they have the money (a huge if I know) heavy use of baby sitters and spending more limited time with their kids could be the best for all in this situation and isn’t necessarily awful for the kids

[Anonymous]

They will get more self-sufficient as they get older, so the demands on your time will be less. The demands on your money will likely get worse, and the teen years can be very tough for other reasons, but you will be able to sleep more and spend less time shuttling them around.

Hopefully as they turn into more adult-ish people you will like them more? It's hard to know - I can't really imagine feeling the way you do so I'm not sure what will make it better/worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

This is not helpful, but you never should have had them.

My brother never had them by choice and neither did a cousin. I really respect them since there was a lot of family pressure at first, but they knew themselves. They are great as an Aunt and Uncle, btw. Very close and good with their nephews.

I really hate when people settle, settle in marriage or settle in having kids they don't want. My mom pressured about getting married and having kids--but I did it on my own timetable and only when I was 100% in love and then another 7 years before I without a doubt wanted kids.

It's just too much of an investment to go in half-*ssed. People take more time deciding on what kind of car to buy or toothpaste to use than they do about procreating.

Marital rape and sexual coercion happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a kid person either OP. I had them because my spouse really wanted them. The best you can do is be as good of parent as you possibly can. If you need breaks in the summer look into sleep away camps.

It does get better once they are adults. Teenage years were still tough though, so buck up.

Great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Well, your kids are here now and they had no say in being born. Do your job and raise them well till they’re 18 at least. Go to therapy if you need to.

I never said I’m not doing my job; I’m doing my job. I’m saying that I absolutely hate; it there’s a difference. I hate cleaning toilets, but I’m really good at it. it’s the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Do you like the children OP? Do you have a spouse that loves the children? This is difficult because you are not discussing them like they are humans, but rather that they are a job. If you enjoy them as people but dislike being a parent well, you're 10 years in. Suck it up for another 8 years and try your best to make them feel like you love them, because you owe it to them after choosing to be in their life this long.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not having kids, or not being a kid person. But there is a lot wrong with abandoning a 10 year old or making a child grow up knowing their parent resents them. You have them, you need to find out how to minimize the damage your dislike is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Well, your kids are here now and they had no say in being born. Do your job and raise them well till they’re 18 at least. Go to therapy if you need to.

I never said I’m not doing my job; I’m doing my job. I’m saying that I absolutely hate; it there’s a difference. I hate cleaning toilets, but I’m really good at it. it’s the same thing.

The difference is that a toilet seat can't tell if you hate it. And part of parenting well is ensuring your kids believe that you love them. If a toilet seat was a sentient being, it would be fairly depressed about how everyone in the house viewed it. Even if it was always sparkling.

[Anonymous]

Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you like the children OP? Do you have a spouse that loves the children? This is difficult because you are not discussing them like they are humans, but rather that they are a job. If you enjoy them as people but dislike being a parent well, you're 10 years in. Suck it up for another 8 years and try your best to make them feel like you love them, because you owe it to them after choosing to be in their life this long.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not having kids, or not being a kid person. But there is a lot wrong with abandoning a 10 year old or making a child grow up knowing their parent resents them. You have them, you need to find out how to minimize the damage your dislike is doing.

Some days I like them. But I still hate that I am in this situation. I left the ex that forced this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel the same way. I’m actually confused by people who enjoy having children. Like what is fun about this? It’s constant work, noise, demands, etc. I had kids because everyone said this is the most rewarding thing ever. I truly don’t enjoy it and that brings me enormous guilt. I hate that my children are always here. I hate wishing my life away too. I figure there is something wrong with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

I feel the same way, OP. Hugs. I also try my very best to pretend. I think my kids can tell. It brings me sadness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Well, your kids are here now and they had no say in being born. Do your job and raise them well till they’re 18 at least. Go to therapy if you need to.

I never said I’m not doing my job; I’m doing my job. I’m saying that I absolutely hate; it there’s a difference. I hate cleaning toilets, but I’m really good at it. it’s the same thing.

The difference is that a toilet seat can't tell if you hate it. And part of parenting well is ensuring your kids believe that you love them. If a toilet seat was a sentient being, it would be fairly depressed about how everyone in the house viewed it. Even if it was always sparkling.

+1. Unless you tell us how you “accidentally” had more than 1 child I have very little sympathy for you. Your kids didn’t ask to be brought into this world or be compared to a toilet. You sound pretty awful OP. Get yourself on some meds or in therapy. Your kids deserve better.