Hate having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Well, your kids are here now and they had no say in being born. Do your job and raise them well till they’re 18 at least. Go to therapy if you need to.

I never said I’m not doing my job; I’m doing my job. I’m saying that I absolutely hate; it there’s a difference. I hate cleaning toilets, but I’m really good at it. it’s the same thing.

The difference is that a toilet seat can't tell if you hate it. And part of parenting well is ensuring your kids believe that you love them. If a toilet seat was a sentient being, it would be fairly depressed about how everyone in the house viewed it. Even if it was always sparkling.

+1 I do not love parenting, but, I love my kids, and I make sure they know that. They can see how I don't like doing certain aspects of parenting. I don't need to be a perfect parent, but they need to know that I love them fiercely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this, folks, is Exhibit A why abortion and birth control should be legal.

Yep.

+1 we don't need anymore F*up human beings due to being unwanted and unloved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this, folks, is Exhibit A why abortion and birth control should be legal.

Yep.

Presumably OP had access to birth control (maybe not?) But was pressured by a spouse and maybe also society ("it will be different when they're your own" "who will take care of you when you're old?!") The real solution is more honesty about the realities of raising children, and more support for those who do not want to have kids (I am childfree and stuck to my guns, but into my late 30s people still pestered me and told me I would change my mind or regret my decision.

Sorry OP - I feel you. But take serious note about the points above regarding your children internalizing your feelings no matter how much you try to hide them. It's real and it sucks, and your kids will distance themselves from you as soon as they are able and you won't be able to enjoy them as adults (as others have proposed) because they will want nothing to do with you. Good luck, sincerely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Well, your kids are here now and they had no say in being born. Do your job and raise them well till they’re 18 at least. Go to therapy if you need to.

I never said I’m not doing my job; I’m doing my job. I’m saying that I absolutely hate; it there’s a difference. I hate cleaning toilets, but I’m really good at it. it’s the same thing.

The difference is that a toilet seat can't tell if you hate it. And part of parenting well is ensuring your kids believe that you love them. If a toilet seat was a sentient being, it would be fairly depressed about how everyone in the house viewed it. Even if it was always sparkling.

+1. Unless you tell us how you “accidentally” had more than 1 child I have very little sympathy for you. Your kids didn’t ask to be brought into this world or be compared to a toilet. You sound pretty awful OP. Get yourself on some meds or in therapy. Your kids deserve better.

One time sex in years; condom broke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Well, your kids are here now and they had no say in being born. Do your job and raise them well till they’re 18 at least. Go to therapy if you need to.

I never said I’m not doing my job; I’m doing my job. I’m saying that I absolutely hate; it there’s a difference. I hate cleaning toilets, but I’m really good at it. it’s the same thing.

The difference is that a toilet seat can't tell if you hate it. And part of parenting well is ensuring your kids believe that you love them. If a toilet seat was a sentient being, it would be fairly depressed about how everyone in the house viewed it. Even if it was always sparkling.

+1. Unless you tell us how you “accidentally” had more than 1 child I have very little sympathy for you. Your kids didn’t ask to be brought into this world or be compared to a toilet. You sound pretty awful OP. Get yourself on some meds or in therapy. Your kids deserve better.

One time sex in years; condom broke.

And that girl got her arm bit off by a shark that one time she swam out. Bad crap happens, its how you react to it that defines you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t you leave after the first one?

Work reasons. I wanted to. I could not get stuck where I was for employment reasons. I had to wait six years to leave. I knew that from the first positive test. I said no. He pushed it. He knew there was a chance I would get pregnant. I was off the pill for 48 hours only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that's going to change if it hasn't changed in 10 years. Why do you hate having kids?

Was not the plan. Not going into further details. I never liked kids in general and when I was 12 years old I knew I didn’t want them.
I find it to be all work and annoyance and no joy at all…and I just can’t stand dealing with it. It’s exhausting and thankless and annoying and it consumes way too much time and money.

Well, your kids are here now and they had no say in being born. Do your job and raise them well till they’re 18 at least. Go to therapy if you need to.

I never said I’m not doing my job; I’m doing my job. I’m saying that I absolutely hate; it there’s a difference. I hate cleaning toilets, but I’m really good at it. it’s the same thing.

The difference is that a toilet seat can't tell if you hate it. And part of parenting well is ensuring your kids believe that you love them. If a toilet seat was a sentient being, it would be fairly depressed about how everyone in the house viewed it. Even if it was always sparkling.

+1. Unless you tell us how you “accidentally” had more than 1 child I have very little sympathy for you. Your kids didn’t ask to be brought into this world or be compared to a toilet. You sound pretty awful OP. Get yourself on some meds or in therapy. Your kids deserve better.

One time sex in years; condom broke.

And that girl got her arm bit off by a shark that one time she swam out. Bad crap happens, its how you react to it that defines you.

I reacts by pretending everything is fine but it sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this, folks, is Exhibit A why abortion and birth control should be legal.

Yep.

Presumably OP had access to birth control (maybe not?) But was pressured by a spouse and maybe also society ("it will be different when they're your own" "who will take care of you when you're old?!") The real solution is more honesty about the realities of raising children, and more support for those who do not want to have kids (I am childfree and stuck to my guns, but into my late 30s people still pestered me and told me I would change my mind or regret my decision.

Sorry OP - I feel you. But take serious note about the points above regarding your children internalizing your feelings no matter how much you try to hide them. It's real and it sucks, and your kids will distance themselves from you as soon as they are able and you won't be able to enjoy them as adults (as others have proposed) because they will want nothing to do with you. Good luck, sincerely.

Frankly, I would be fine if they had nothing to do with me because I don’t want grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, OP, here are your options:

- Quit. If you are with a partner who wants to parent, divorce and give full custody if you can. You will need to pay support, probably. Your kids will probably hate/resent you forever, and you will likely cause all kinds of issues for them as adults, but on some level, no one can make you do this.

- Be miserable. Go on hating parenting. Go on resenting the imposition on your time and options. Go on hating the drudgery, the commitment. Go on feeling it offers no rewards. This options sucks for you and your kids, but seems like this where you are at.

- Figure out how to like it. People do this ALL THE TIME. You're problem is that you still see being a parent like an option, a menu item you'd prefer to send back. It's not. At this point, being a parent is no different for you than being a person. You can't quit being a person and be a dog instead, okay? You have to just go on wearing your person meat suit and doing person things.

You need to figure out what you like about parenting. If you don't like anything, you need to find something to like. Here are some things other people like about parenting: hugging their kids, making them laugh, observing them learn how to do stuff, having an excuse to be silly, teaching them about their favorite subjects/hobbies. Some people take pleasure in dressing their kids up and taking photos of them. Some people like cultivating their kids' taste in food and music and then bragging about how sophisticated their kids are. Some of these might be "better parenting" than others but in your case, I don't think it matters. Find something, anything, you find satisfying about parenting. Lean into it.

Also, here's a general tip that occurred to me while writing this response. On some level, and certainly after a certain point, being a parent is just about having good relationship skills. Your kids get older, they learn to feed themselves and get themselves places on time, to make choices about their own educations and social lives. Eventually, your kid is just a person in your life. Do you have good relationships with other people? Friends, partners, sibling? If so, what makes those relationships work, what makes them satisfying to you? Shared interests? Mutual respect? Doing favors for each other? Well, your kids are just more people to have relationships with. Why not just make it a good relationship? Just cultivate good interactions and respectful communication and try to make these relationships positive ones instead of a negative drag.

I am divorced. I am the better parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me that this improves when they are adults because 10 years in and I still can’t stand it.

Maybe your spouse isn’t stepping up enough with the kids, caring for them, talking with them, supporting them in many ways? Maybe you’re dumped on and hate that part of it.

My ex spouse did literally zero until we divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

[Anonymous]

I think you said you were divorced; let your ex take the kids. You would rather they care for them and it's better for the kids. Win/win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this, folks, is Exhibit A why abortion and birth control should be legal.

Yep.

Presumably OP had access to birth control (maybe not?) But was pressured by a spouse and maybe also society ("it will be different when they're your own" "who will take care of you when you're old?!") The real solution is more honesty about the realities of raising children, and more support for those who do not want to have kids (I am childfree and stuck to my guns, but into my late 30s people still pestered me and told me I would change my mind or regret my decision.

Sorry OP - I feel you. But take serious note about the points above regarding your children internalizing your feelings no matter how much you try to hide them. It's real and it sucks, and your kids will distance themselves from you as soon as they are able and you won't be able to enjoy them as adults (as others have proposed) because they will want nothing to do with you. Good luck, sincerely.

Frankly, I would be fine if they had nothing to do with me because I don’t want grandchildren.

DP.. I don't care if I have grandchildren or not. I was not even that keen on having kids, but you sound really miserable. I don't think a woman *must* have kids, but your phrasing makes you sound like a truly miserable person.

Is there anyone in your life that you love and have a great relationship with? Do you think your kids know you don't like them?

Are you in therapy? You sound like you could benefit from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

DP.. depression frequently runs in the family, and on the female side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you like the children OP? Do you have a spouse that loves the children? This is difficult because you are not discussing them like they are humans, but rather that they are a job. If you enjoy them as people but dislike being a parent well, you're 10 years in. Suck it up for another 8 years and try your best to make them feel like you love them, because you owe it to them after choosing to be in their life this long.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not having kids, or not being a kid person. But there is a lot wrong with abandoning a 10 year old or making a child grow up knowing their parent resents them. You have them, you need to find out how to minimize the damage your dislike is doing.

Some days I like them. But I still hate that I am in this situation. I left the ex that forced this.

How did someone force you to have more than one child in the US?

Do you not understand how a man can have sex with you even when you say no? If they want a baby and refuse to use a condom and know that you are not on birth control even temporarily—like for two days— you can get pregnant from having sex one time! I know because it happened to me twice. There was no sex between the kids’ conception. I was married for 10 years. There was no sex at all after the second kids conception that was not supposed to happen so there was no sex for seven years at all. All it takes is one time to get pregnant. Some men refuse to take no for an answer. They refuse to wear the condom or a condom brakes or if you were off the pill temporarily that’s all it takes…is one time. I was with someone who purposely wanted to get me pregnant so I wouldn’t leave.