Those in your 40s and 50s, if you had kids later in life, do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I replied above and am happy to be an older mom, but I would also say that if money is the only thing holding you back, just do it. If you are homeless, then wait, but if you are just trying to save for a house or trying to feel more financially secure-just do it. Having a baby is always a risk, but you will figure out your money. My partner and I did not have high salaries or maternity leave, then we had a 1/2 million dollar preemie and I was in the hospital for over two weeks. Then our car died and we had 20k in medical debt. It sucked but we managed (with no help from family).

Agree with this. I just posted about waiting because I married late but I would not have waited barring being totally broke if I had married earlier.

Also agree! You just don’t know if you will have fertility problems until you try. I had my youngest when I was 36 (which seemed fine at the time) but now he’s 8 and it feels like long road until he even graduates high school. I love my kids but they really take a lot of energy.

I think one of the worst parts about delaying to mid/late 30s (whether you intended or not) is feeling rushed to have #2. I see late 30s moms with an 18 month old and newborn and just feel exhausted looking at them …

I was that mom with a newborn and 22 month old. It was exhausting the first year, but now at 5 and 7 they're best friends and play together for hours. They have all the same interests and extracurriculars, so I'm not rushing around to so many different activities. I would say in the long term it's much easier than a 4+ age gap.

fine but nobody should be forced to do that because they were trying to save for a down payment. and of course risk of developmental disabilities rises with age. I know lots of 40-something parents with a closely-spaced autistic sibling.

It happens at 30, too. Ask me how I know.

No one said it doesn’t happen at 30. You can be in denial all you want but the fact is that the risk factor goes up significantly as one ages.

if you’re younger you have more time to support your child into adulthood, and more energy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I replied above and am happy to be an older mom, but I would also say that if money is the only thing holding you back, just do it. If you are homeless, then wait, but if you are just trying to save for a house or trying to feel more financially secure-just do it. Having a baby is always a risk, but you will figure out your money. My partner and I did not have high salaries or maternity leave, then we had a 1/2 million dollar preemie and I was in the hospital for over two weeks. Then our car died and we had 20k in medical debt. It sucked but we managed (with no help from family).

Agree with this. I just posted about waiting because I married late but I would not have waited barring being totally broke if I had married earlier.

Also agree! You just don’t know if you will have fertility problems until you try. I had my youngest when I was 36 (which seemed fine at the time) but now he’s 8 and it feels like long road until he even graduates high school. I love my kids but they really take a lot of energy.

I think one of the worst parts about delaying to mid/late 30s (whether you intended or not) is feeling rushed to have #2. I see late 30s moms with an 18 month old and newborn and just feel exhausted looking at them …

I was that mom with a newborn and 22 month old. It was exhausting the first year, but now at 5 and 7 they're best friends and play together for hours. They have all the same interests and extracurriculars, so I'm not rushing around to so many different activities. I would say in the long term it's much easier than a 4+ age gap.

fine but nobody should be forced to do that because they were trying to save for a down payment. and of course risk of developmental disabilities rises with age. I know lots of 40-something parents with a closely-spaced autistic sibling.

Was anyone on this thread forced to have kids at any point?

No, but having 2 under 2 at 42 seems like a fate worse than death to me. I could have handled that at 25 but not 40.

[Anonymous]

It's definitely not ideal to have kids older. I'm being honest. The negatives greatly outweigh the positive (IMO).

If I had my life to plan again, I 100% (no 150%) would have been done with having kids at 35. But I'm not about to send them back and it's not something I stand around moping about. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I replied above and am happy to be an older mom, but I would also say that if money is the only thing holding you back, just do it. If you are homeless, then wait, but if you are just trying to save for a house or trying to feel more financially secure-just do it. Having a baby is always a risk, but you will figure out your money. My partner and I did not have high salaries or maternity leave, then we had a 1/2 million dollar preemie and I was in the hospital for over two weeks. Then our car died and we had 20k in medical debt. It sucked but we managed (with no help from family).

Agree with this. I just posted about waiting because I married late but I would not have waited barring being totally broke if I had married earlier.

Also agree! You just don’t know if you will have fertility problems until you try. I had my youngest when I was 36 (which seemed fine at the time) but now he’s 8 and it feels like long road until he even graduates high school. I love my kids but they really take a lot of energy.

I think one of the worst parts about delaying to mid/late 30s (whether you intended or not) is feeling rushed to have #2. I see late 30s moms with an 18 month old and newborn and just feel exhausted looking at them …

I was that mom with a newborn and 22 month old. It was exhausting the first year, but now at 5 and 7 they're best friends and play together for hours. They have all the same interests and extracurriculars, so I'm not rushing around to so many different activities. I would say in the long term it's much easier than a 4+ age gap.

fine but nobody should be forced to do that because they were trying to save for a down payment. and of course risk of developmental disabilities rises with age. I know lots of 40-something parents with a closely-spaced autistic sibling.

You're missing some data. Autism risk rises with a 5+ year age gap between siblings, an 18 month or less age gap between siblings, advanced paternal age, a large age gap between parents, and being a teen mom. But you also seem to forget that autism is also genetic. The risk doesn't apply to all "late 30s moms".

But there’s two avoidable risk factors often there if you delay: advanced paternal age and closely spaced births. If you have a choice, this is a real reason to have kids earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shit yeah.
If I had kids earlier, they'd be done with college by now. I might actually live long enough to see and help out with grandchildren if I had kids earlier.
If I had kids earlier, I might have been more able to help my aging parents instead of being literally the only one caring for pre-school/K small kids.

Interesting perspective. I am in my early 40s with two kids in Pre-K and 1st. The only empty nesters I know who are my age either got knocked up in high school or college, and most dropped out; life was hard for them and for their kids. I wouldn't trade places with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I replied above and am happy to be an older mom, but I would also say that if money is the only thing holding you back, just do it. If you are homeless, then wait, but if you are just trying to save for a house or trying to feel more financially secure-just do it. Having a baby is always a risk, but you will figure out your money. My partner and I did not have high salaries or maternity leave, then we had a 1/2 million dollar preemie and I was in the hospital for over two weeks. Then our car died and we had 20k in medical debt. It sucked but we managed (with no help from family).

Agree with this. I just posted about waiting because I married late but I would not have waited barring being totally broke if I had married earlier.

Also agree! You just don’t know if you will have fertility problems until you try. I had my youngest when I was 36 (which seemed fine at the time) but now he’s 8 and it feels like long road until he even graduates high school. I love my kids but they really take a lot of energy.

I think one of the worst parts about delaying to mid/late 30s (whether you intended or not) is feeling rushed to have #2. I see late 30s moms with an 18 month old and newborn and just feel exhausted looking at them …

I was that mom with a newborn and 22 month old. It was exhausting the first year, but now at 5 and 7 they're best friends and play together for hours. They have all the same interests and extracurriculars, so I'm not rushing around to so many different activities. I would say in the long term it's much easier than a 4+ age gap.

fine but nobody should be forced to do that because they were trying to save for a down payment. and of course risk of developmental disabilities rises with age. I know lots of 40-something parents with a closely-spaced autistic sibling.

Was anyone on this thread forced to have kids at any point?

No, but having 2 under 2 at 42 seems like a fate worse than death to me. I could have handled that at 25 but not 40.

Interesting how 2 under 2 in 30s morphed into 2 under 2 at 42. It's almost as if someone is trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I replied above and am happy to be an older mom, but I would also say that if money is the only thing holding you back, just do it. If you are homeless, then wait, but if you are just trying to save for a house or trying to feel more financially secure-just do it. Having a baby is always a risk, but you will figure out your money. My partner and I did not have high salaries or maternity leave, then we had a 1/2 million dollar preemie and I was in the hospital for over two weeks. Then our car died and we had 20k in medical debt. It sucked but we managed (with no help from family).

Agree with this. I just posted about waiting because I married late but I would not have waited barring being totally broke if I had married earlier.

Also agree! You just don’t know if you will have fertility problems until you try. I had my youngest when I was 36 (which seemed fine at the time) but now he’s 8 and it feels like long road until he even graduates high school. I love my kids but they really take a lot of energy.

I think one of the worst parts about delaying to mid/late 30s (whether you intended or not) is feeling rushed to have #2. I see late 30s moms with an 18 month old and newborn and just feel exhausted looking at them …

I was that mom with a newborn and 22 month old. It was exhausting the first year, but now at 5 and 7 they're best friends and play together for hours. They have all the same interests and extracurriculars, so I'm not rushing around to so many different activities. I would say in the long term it's much easier than a 4+ age gap.

fine but nobody should be forced to do that because they were trying to save for a down payment. and of course risk of developmental disabilities rises with age. I know lots of 40-something parents with a closely-spaced autistic sibling.

You're missing some data. Autism risk rises with a 5+ year age gap between siblings, an 18 month or less age gap between siblings, advanced paternal age, a large age gap between parents, and being a teen mom. But you also seem to forget that autism is also genetic. The risk doesn't apply to all "late 30s moms".

Also… you might have an autistic kid at any point. I had mine when I was 30. He’s LOVELY, and the extra work counts for nothing… but in my special needs community, I know so many people who had their ASD kids in late 20s early 30s and practically no one who had an asd kid in 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shit yeah.
If I had kids earlier, they'd be done with college by now. I might actually live long enough to see and help out with grandchildren if I had kids earlier.
If I had kids earlier, I might have been more able to help my aging parents instead of being literally the only one caring for pre-school/K small kids.

Interesting perspective. I am in my early 40s with two kids in Pre-K and 1st. The only empty nesters I know who are my age either got knocked up in high school or college, and most dropped out; life was hard for them and for their kids. I wouldn't trade places with them.

I had mine later in life but I know many college graduates who had their kids in their 20s and have had really great lives. Still married, empty nesters, quite happy. Their kids are happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shit yeah.
If I had kids earlier, they'd be done with college by now. I might actually live long enough to see and help out with grandchildren if I had kids earlier.
If I had kids earlier, I might have been more able to help my aging parents instead of being literally the only one caring for pre-school/K small kids.

Interesting perspective. I am in my early 40s with two kids in Pre-K and 1st. The only empty nesters I know who are my age either got knocked up in high school or college, and most dropped out; life was hard for them and for their kids. I wouldn't trade places with them.

I had mine later in life but I know many college graduates who had their kids in their 20s and have had really great lives. Still married, empty nesters, quite happy. Their kids are happy.

You know lots of 41-year-old happily married empty nesters who are also college graduates and whose kids have graduated college too? BS.

[Anonymous]

Had my child at 41 and he is perfection. I am more than happy with the situation. We own a house in the part of the city I prefer, with great schools, and can afford private later for high school if that is what DS wants. I see advantages to having kids earlier, obviously!! But this is my life, and I think it is better than awesome. I personally was not equipped when I was younger for various reasons. In my late 40s now, we still have great health. And money really smooths things over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shit yeah.
If I had kids earlier, they'd be done with college by now. I might actually live long enough to see and help out with grandchildren if I had kids earlier.
If I had kids earlier, I might have been more able to help my aging parents instead of being literally the only one caring for pre-school/K small kids.

Interesting perspective. I am in my early 40s with two kids in Pre-K and 1st. The only empty nesters I know who are my age either got knocked up in high school or college, and most dropped out; life was hard for them and for their kids. I wouldn't trade places with them.

I had mine later in life but I know many college graduates who had their kids in their 20s and have had really great lives. Still married, empty nesters, quite happy. Their kids are happy.

You know lots of 41-year-old happily married empty nesters who are also college graduates and whose kids have graduated college too? BS.

Where did I say they’re 41? I didn’t.

I’m 55 and didn’t grow up here. You realize not everywhere is like DC, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shit yeah.
If I had kids earlier, they'd be done with college by now. I might actually live long enough to see and help out with grandchildren if I had kids earlier.
If I had kids earlier, I might have been more able to help my aging parents instead of being literally the only one caring for pre-school/K small kids.

Interesting perspective. I am in my early 40s with two kids in Pre-K and 1st. The only empty nesters I know who are my age either got knocked up in high school or college, and most dropped out; life was hard for them and for their kids. I wouldn't trade places with them.

I had mine later in life but I know many college graduates who had their kids in their 20s and have had really great lives. Still married, empty nesters, quite happy. Their kids are happy.

You know lots of 41-year-old happily married empty nesters who are also college graduates and whose kids have graduated college too? BS.

Where did I say they’re 41? I didn’t.

I’m 55 and didn’t grow up here. You realize not everywhere is like DC, right?

You responded to the early 40s poster with an irrelevant post. I know lots of people who had kids in their 20s and are empty nesters now in their 50s too, but that's not what the post was about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shit yeah.
If I had kids earlier, they'd be done with college by now. I might actually live long enough to see and help out with grandchildren if I had kids earlier.
If I had kids earlier, I might have been more able to help my aging parents instead of being literally the only one caring for pre-school/K small kids.

Interesting perspective. I am in my early 40s with two kids in Pre-K and 1st. The only empty nesters I know who are my age either got knocked up in high school or college, and most dropped out; life was hard for them and for their kids. I wouldn't trade places with them.

I had mine later in life but I know many college graduates who had their kids in their 20s and have had really great lives. Still married, empty nesters, quite happy. Their kids are happy.

You know lots of 41-year-old happily married empty nesters who are also college graduates and whose kids have graduated college too? BS.

Are you math-challenged? Someone who had kids at 22/23/24/25 will be an empty-nester in their early forties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shit yeah.
If I had kids earlier, they'd be done with college by now. I might actually live long enough to see and help out with grandchildren if I had kids earlier.
If I had kids earlier, I might have been more able to help my aging parents instead of being literally the only one caring for pre-school/K small kids.

Interesting perspective. I am in my early 40s with two kids in Pre-K and 1st. The only empty nesters I know who are my age either got knocked up in high school or college, and most dropped out; life was hard for them and for their kids. I wouldn't trade places with them.

I know plenty of girls who finished college and got married pronto (Orthodox Jewish girls mostly).
I also had two female colleagues who had 2 under 30. They were very focused, got their professional credentials as quickly as permitted which gave them a lot of workplace freedom. And no, they weren't Jewish. So I don't know who you are hanging out with but there are women out there who can make it work.

[Anonymous]

FWIW I’m the child of parents who had me in their early 40s. It sucked for me growing up and it is even worse now. One parent died when I was still young and the other is now elderly needing a lot of care. I moved away, so taking care of my remaining parent is hard. I also have small children so I’m very stressed out about all of them needing me.

Growing up, my friends had younger and active parents and commented about my old parents. Not bullying but incessant questions about my family dynamic. I didn’t like the attention and was somewhat embarrassed. I was lucky to find my partner relatively young. I was able to start a family at a good age and I feel very happy about my life choices in that regard.

I wish you luck and, as you can see, it works out for many. Live your life with no regrets.