Those in your 40s and 50s, if you had kids later in life, do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

i know lots and lots of people who are having children now between 35-40+. there are some pluses and minuses to all possible scenarios.

[Anonymous]

38 when I had my child and very happy. I did have a complicated pregnancy that may have been connected to advanced maternal age. I think whatever age you have your kids, you may imagine how things could have gone differently, but mostly I am just incredibly happy to have my child.

[Anonymous]

First at 38 and last at 47. Kids are 14-23. We’re still as active as ever. Our kids really haven’t missed out due to our age and because we were more financially stable we have been able to give them a lot of things and experiences that we could not have if we had kids at a younger age. Another thing is that I’m a much calmer and less reactive person - more able to really think about the consequences of my words and actions and whether it will be worth it.

[Anonymous]

Had my one and only at 37. I'm mid-40s now and it's great. We contemplated having a second but when I hit 40 without having conceived, we decided it was time to stop -- my first pregnancy was hard on me and at 40 I started doing the math on college and retirement, plus if our child needs help early in adulthood. We could have made two kids work, but this way we feel confident we can be the parents we want to be. If we'd had kids younger we definitely would have had two, I think.

But in terms of being a parents and our life as a family, I love being an older mom. As other PPs have said, I am a better parent at this age than I would have been when I was younger. More patient, better understanding of myself, better at setting boundaries and also taking the long view on things.

The squeeze with aging parents is real, but I'm going to get really honest with you now -- I am glad our parents were too old to be really involved grandparents by the time we had a kid. Our parents weren't amazing parents. They aren't bad people, just come from kind of hard backgrounds and have lots of unresolved issues. They can be very selfish and childlike themselves. So I'm often grateful that they aren't younger and more involved because it's less for me to deal with. It does mean that we often have to deal with caring for them as well, but with just one kid I haven't felt this overwhelming -- as DD gets older and more self-sufficient, I have more time and energy for doing things for my parents and MIL (my FIL passed a few years ago). And I think DD has a better relationship with them than she would have when they were younger. Maybe not as close, but because they aren't serving in a caretaker role for her at all, they can just kind of be pleasant friends without her having to deal with their many issues. DH and I still have to deal with those, but we can handle it.

I think being an older parent is great and it's actually hard for me to imagine it any other way. I'm glad I'd evolved into this version of myself before I had a kid.

[Anonymous]

First at 31 and third at 41. I’m actually way more chill with baby number three, and she in turn is my easiest by far (don’t know if it’s just her personality but I think it’s probably my parenting style has rubbed off). I’d say the hardest part is my friends all have kids who are older and independent so when they’re all relaxing at family get togethers or the summer pool, I have a toddler I’m chasing around. But I wouldn’t change a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i know lots and lots of people who are having children now between 35-40+. there are some pluses and minuses to all possible scenarios.

I don't consider 30s to be "later in life" for childbearing, even if it's technically an AMA pregnancy. I would guess that 1/3 of the moms at my son's elementary school are in their 50s, even some of the kindergarten moms. If you're 50+ when your child is in elementary school, then you had kids later in life.

[Anonymous]

I had one in my 30s and one in my 40s and nope. Much easier in my 40s - my career was already established and I had more flexibility. I got in shape as easily and DC2 is healthier than my first; my first has allergies.

[Anonymous]

Best thing i ever did! Adopted as a single mom at age 46

[Anonymous]

Had mine at 40 and 45. If I had to do it over I would have had them about five years earlier. No sooner. 35 is perfect but you should move pretty fast if you want more than one.

[Anonymous]

Starting at 35+ is very normal in big cities these days. Incredibly difficult to afford a home in a city before that age without inheritance.

[Anonymous]

I had my only at 40, I'm 50 now. Do not regret it at all. I am starting to deal with aging parent issues (I'm an only myself) which is challenging but I am much better equipped to handle things now than I was 10-20 years ago.

[Anonymous]

I have no regrets about my child. She is the light of our lives and she was born when we were both 45. The only regret I have is that we will have so many fewer years with her than our own parents will have had with us. The only thing we worry about is living long enough to make sure she’s able to stand on her own feet.

[Anonymous]

I had my first and only in my late 40s and no regrets at all. I didn't plan it that way and always thought I would have 2-3 kids in my early 30s but that didn't work out. I agree with the advantages listed by PPs here. I am much more mature, patient, and most things don't faze me. I have done most things I wanted to do when before having kids so never felt like I was missing certain social events when DS was still very young. Another plus that I realized after the fact, is I am more secure financially and career-wise so don't feel the pressure of work as much as I would have when younger.

Having a young DS has helped keep me active and fit. I haven't had any problems keeping up with DS activities and sports. I think in a way he has made me pay more attention to my health and wellness. None of us are guaranteed old age but I am doing my bit to stay as healthy as possible.

A couple of downsides, all my friends have older kids so that limits some things I can do with friends and their kids e.g. can't go to the playground together with their kids. I now have newer mum friends that I made through kids school and activities that I do kid things with so, be prepared to have a newer set of friends through your kid(s). Also my parents were quite old when I finally had my kids so they couldn't have the kids over for a weekend or do much babysitting like they did with my other nieces and nephews. On the other hand he is adored and loved by his older nieces and nephews who often spoil him so there are pluses here too.

Anyway 35 is not considered old any more for having kids so you will find tons parents in your age group.

[Anonymous]

No regrets. Started trying at 32, but wasn’t successful until 35. Had second at almost 39. My youngest is 8, and I cannot imagine life without him. He does get a bit sad thinking that when he’s 30, I’ll be 68. Not sure why he’s focusing on this all of a sudden? Maybe end elderly grandparents? It dies make me a bit sad to know that I likely won’t see my grandkids grow up, but I live my kids more than anything.

[Anonymous]

Maybe if I had gotten married younger and having kids younger was an option, I might have regretted "waiting." But I'm the child of older parents, so that's what I knew going into it. I got married at 30. My dad died from a long, progressive illness a few weeks before the wedding, and I wasn't in a mental place to take on motherhood right away. DH (who turned 40 right before the wedding) wanted kids right away. We aimed to have the first kid when I was 33. (My mom was 35 when I was born; I'm her only.) I wasn't expecting fertility issues based on family history, but, long story short, we got diagnosed with unexplained infertility and required treatments just shy of IVF (clomid + injectables + IUI). Our first kid was born when I was 36 and the second when I was 39 (also through ART).

My mom was very involved with the first kid and took care of her from 5 months to about 15 months. But then she developed a rare, chronic illness and has had less physical involvement. My MIL was 16 when DH was born, so she should have been able to help out a lot too. But, for a variety of reasons, she hasn't been able to. When our kids were little, and friends were taking couples getaways for the weekend and leaving their kids with the grandparents, we didn't have that option.