Those in your 40s and 50s, if you had kids later in life, do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Due to financial issues we will be TTC post 35. Assuming we are successful, I am wondering about the ramifications of waiting till older to have children. What has your experience been like?

I was 40.

The plusses are:
1) I had more money, more wealth, so more access to things like better daycare, etc.
2) I feel like it has kept me younger than I otherwise would have been if I had remained childless. I am the one who takes my kid out to kick the soccer ball, throw the lacrosse ball around, bike, swim, ski, etc.
3) I was high enough in my career that I have more flexibility for taking time off, etc. Which comes in handy when I want to attend school shows, chorus, band, games, etc.

The negatives are:
1) My friends are now jet setting around on awesome vacations because their kids are grown, and I'm a tad bit envious. We do decent vacations (travel is my love), but it's geared to having something kid-friendly, too. And we go every other year vs. my friends doing two big vacations each year.
2) I'm 55 and could retire now if I didn't have a kid. Even though I have most of college saved for (my kid is in 10th now), I still feel a need to work through college.
3) I feel a touch more anxiety now about some kid rites of passage (driving!) that I don't think I would have felt 15 years ago when teaching a kid to drive.

Having said all of that, I have so much fun with my teen son. We are at the beach now while he surfs and I read or just walk down the beach. And we just crack up and laugh so hard when we are together. These are such great times that will be great memories. I love watching him become an adult. He's different than what I had envisioned, but he's still awesome.

[Anonymous]

I replied above and am happy to be an older mom, but I would also say that if money is the only thing holding you back, just do it. If you are homeless, then wait, but if you are just trying to save for a house or trying to feel more financially secure-just do it. Having a baby is always a risk, but you will figure out your money. My partner and I did not have high salaries or maternity leave, then we had a 1/2 million dollar preemie and I was in the hospital for over two weeks. Then our car died and we had 20k in medical debt. It sucked but we managed (with no help from family).

[Anonymous]

I had my child at 43 (married late, didn’t want to have children on my own). No regrets seeing as the alternatives didn’t work for me (do it earlier by myself or not at all). I knew going in that the grandparents wouldn’t be able to help out the same they did for our nieces and nephews, that most our friends kids would be in a different stage of life (so group trips would be hard with them) and that we’d be among the oldest parents at the kids school. There are pluses like our incomes being high and our having seen a lot from watching our nieces/nephews/friends kids that allows us to make really informed choices for our own. We pay attention to our health because we are older parents and energy levels have been on par as far as we can tell. It’s still been amazing and I feel very fortunate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I replied above and am happy to be an older mom, but I would also say that if money is the only thing holding you back, just do it. If you are homeless, then wait, but if you are just trying to save for a house or trying to feel more financially secure-just do it. Having a baby is always a risk, but you will figure out your money. My partner and I did not have high salaries or maternity leave, then we had a 1/2 million dollar preemie and I was in the hospital for over two weeks. Then our car died and we had 20k in medical debt. It sucked but we managed (with no help from family).

Agree with this. I just posted about waiting because I married late but I would not have waited barring being totally broke if I had married earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to financial issues we will be TTC post 35. Assuming we are successful, I am wondering about the ramifications of waiting till older to have children. What has your experience been like?

I was 40.

The plusses are:
1) I had more money, more wealth, so more access to things like better daycare, etc.
2) I feel like it has kept me younger than I otherwise would have been if I had remained childless. I am the one who takes my kid out to kick the soccer ball, throw the lacrosse ball around, bike, swim, ski, etc.
3) I was high enough in my career that I have more flexibility for taking time off, etc. Which comes in handy when I want to attend school shows, chorus, band, games, etc.

The negatives are:
1) My friends are now jet setting around on awesome vacations because their kids are grown, and I'm a tad bit envious. We do decent vacations (travel is my love), but it's geared to having something kid-friendly, too. And we go every other year vs. my friends doing two big vacations each year.
2) I'm 55 and could retire now if I didn't have a kid. Even though I have most of college saved for (my kid is in 10th now), I still feel a need to work through college.
3) I feel a touch more anxiety now about some kid rites of passage (driving!) that I don't think I would have felt 15 years ago when teaching a kid to drive.

Having said all of that, I have so much fun with my teen son. We are at the beach now while he surfs and I read or just walk down the beach. And we just crack up and laugh so hard when we are together. These are such great times that will be great memories. I love watching him become an adult. He's different than what I had envisioned, but he's still awesome.

Very similar to this -- especially the money and flexibility. One thing I realized early on is that you are either going to get your personal fun time/travel time either early or late. I took mine early -- so I had gone around the world, lived abroad, etc before I had kids. I will be in my early sixties when my child is out of college, and then I can start to think about retiring. Yes, I have friends who have been doing their own thing since their fifties, but they had kids young. I was living it up in Hong Kong and London at the time. It kind of all evens out in the end.

[Anonymous]

You didn’t ask the child’s perspective but I had older parents and it was hard on me. I worried about my dad’s health even when I was in elementary school, people assumed he was my grandfather and he died when I was in college.

[Anonymous]

I had my only at 36 and definitely wish it had been earlier so I could see more of his life, have more energy, and maybe a sibling. I would absolutely not have put it off to 35 for financial reasons. That’s very foolish, assuming you’re not really struggling.

[Anonymous]

Short answer: Yes, I don't have the energy I needed/wanted to raise my kids how I imagined it would be.

[Anonymous]

No regrets. When you hit 60s with college kids it's taxing, but earlier years were a breeze.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:35 is not old. Come back if you’re still trying at 43.

+1. In this area AMA is definitely 40+.

[Anonymous]

I had our only at 34, which was perfect. I know many people having children in their 40s now and that personally sounds terrible to me. I’m tired and my kid is self sufficient. The goal is to be financially set when DD graduates college and possibly retire early. That wouldn’t be possible if we had another now so it’s a hard no for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You didn’t ask the child’s perspective but I had older parents and it was hard on me. I worried about my dad’s health even when I was in elementary school, people assumed he was my grandfather and he died when I was in college.

Exact opposite. I loved having older parents! My dad was 50 and my mom 40 when I was born and they were so chill and self-assured. Both are still in great health and active. At 85 and 75, they are fun and involved grandparents. As a relatively young mother I know I stress over things that would have rolled off my mom’s back.

[Anonymous]

I did not have a choice to have children younger, so I had them as young as I could have. No regrets of the timing. In many ways, being further along ion our careers made things easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't regret it, but DH was 45 when our youngest was born and recently passed away at 60. I'm incredibly sad for my children (and myself). Of course, there are no guarantees and young parents die, too. DH's mother passed away in her early 60s, too, so *maybe* that should have been a genetic red flag for me. It wouldn't have changed anything, though.

Hugs, pp. It is so hard but you are correct not to regret age of parents. My sibling died unexpectedly at 32 leaving behind a 1 yr old and a 4 yr. It breaks my heart still when I think they never got to know their dad but they are wonderful young adults. To be sure it is a loss one never recovers from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Starting at 35+ is very normal in big cities these days. Incredibly difficult to afford a home in a city before that age without inheritance.

If you’re 35 and can’t afford a house, have a child anyway!