Those in your 40s and 50s, if you had kids later in life, do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

I do sometimes envy younger parents who have more family support in the grandparents. They can leave the kids for a weekend with the grandparents while they get away for a long weekend. Ours are too old and frail to keep up with our grandchildren for more than a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do sometimes envy younger parents who have more family support in the grandparents. They can leave the kids for a weekend with the grandparents while they get away for a long weekend. Ours are too old and frail to keep up with our grandchildren for more than a day.

I had my kids in my late 30s and this is my one regret too. Would have loved my parents to be around longer! But life doesn’t come with a guarantee. People can die at anytime— just live your life!

I find it odd that ageism is still acceptable. We celebrate families of all backgrounds-gay, trans, interracial, etc. Yet older parents get the side eye.

[Anonymous]

Just try and live your best life right now. 35 is not old.

[Anonymous]

My sister had her first kid at 24 and you could not have a conversation with her w/o her complaining about the drudgery of kids. In retrospect, she probably was depressed. I'm glad to wait to make these decisions rather than just doing it because it seems like ti was what one was supposed to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do sometimes envy younger parents who have more family support in the grandparents. They can leave the kids for a weekend with the grandparents while they get away for a long weekend. Ours are too old and frail to keep up with our grandchildren for more than a day.

I had my kids in my late 30s and this is my one regret too. Would have loved my parents to be around longer! But life doesn’t come with a guarantee. People can die at anytime— just live your life!

I find it odd that ageism is still acceptable. We celebrate families of all backgrounds-gay, trans, interracial, etc. Yet older parents get the side eye.

It's not "ageism" to recognize the reality that many women are having children at a later age than is probably biologically advisable. There's a lot of "denialism" and "defensivism" on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do sometimes envy younger parents who have more family support in the grandparents. They can leave the kids for a weekend with the grandparents while they get away for a long weekend. Ours are too old and frail to keep up with our grandchildren for more than a day.

I had my kids in my late 30s and this is my one regret too. Would have loved my parents to be around longer! But life doesn’t come with a guarantee. People can die at anytime— just live your life!

I find it odd that ageism is still acceptable. We celebrate families of all backgrounds-gay, trans, interracial, etc. Yet older parents get the side eye.

It's not "ageism" to recognize the reality that many women are having children at a later age than is probably biologically advisable. There's a lot of "denialism" and "defensivism" on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here we go with this same tired old topic again.

Look, the bottom line is simple: it's better to have kids young. Biology prefers it for a reason.

Of course older mothers are going to disagree, because they have to validate their choices or circumstances. All of this baloney about the benefits of having kids older -- being financially secure, having fun in your youth, etc. -- benefit the parents, not the kids. If, for example, you're a struggling grad student, having a kid doesn't hurt the kid because your future earnings potential is presumably high.

That's what we did. We got married in our early 20s, got our kids out of the way while going to grad school, and had all four before we were 30. Now our kids are full grown, and the parents of their kids' friends are closer to our age than theirs. And our kids didn't suffer economically, academically, or socially because we didn't wait until the timing was "perfect" by DCUM's definition. To the contrary, they thrived.

All these mamas lucky enough to find someone to marry in their 20s. Do you REALLY think most of us WANTED to meet our husbands so late and have kids so late? Would you rather we not have kids at all? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM BIZNOTCH?

See, I applaud your honesty. The issue I have is with the older mothers who insist that it's the better course of action when it usually isn't.

DP, but there are many benefits to having kids when you're older than younger, mostly because adults are more stable (emotionally, financially, etc.). That's hard to get around. I know there are some benefits to having kids younger, but that's mostly around the ease of conceiving and remaining pregnant. That has little to do with the actual work of parenting.

LOL depends on how you define "the actual work of parenting." If you mean having kids in your 40s, then hiring nannies and being in a better position to pay them, then sure. But if you're talking about the actual work of parenting, well, sorry -- being younger and more spry is the order of the day.

The actual work of parenting in this day and age is helping kids develop emotionally and developing good executive functioning and people skills. Knowledge work, and all that. And providing them with $$ for college and a down payment. That type of parenting is definitely easier to do if you are older.

No parent in their 20s is paying for college or down payments yet. But professionals who have kids young more often than not will still be in a position to do these things when the kids are of age. It's not an either/or proposition. Easier? Maybe somewhat. But at what cost?

Also, the idea that providing a down payment is an integral part of "actual parenting" is ridiculous. Ask the many, many well parented adults out there without parents providing down payments if that's their definition of "actual parenting."

Lol who are these parents providing down payments? So if you have three kids are you providing down payments for each of them?

[Anonymous]

Had kids at 37 & 40. Pregnant on the first try both times, easy pregnancies and deliveries. Amazing, healthy, easy children. Zero regrets. If I had done it younger, I wouldn’t have gotten these particular kids, and they are freaking awesome. Additionally, I was not mature and financially stable in my 20s and early 30s. My mother had me at 23 and was a terrible, self-cnetered, immature mother. I wasn’t going to repeat her mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No! I’m so grateful I waited. I lived, worked, traveled, and waited for the best possible partner. I had my first a month shy of 40 and my second a month shy of 42. Both easily conceived and totally normal pregnancies.

I love spending time with my kids and even though I was extremely social pre-kids, I am perfectly happy just being with DH and my little ones on weekends and evenings. Being established in my career, I simply told my employers that I was going to work from home when my oldest was born and they had to agree to it. We have the resources for an educated and loving nanny and working from home has allowed me to easily breastfeed as long as my kids wanted (I’m still nursing the 20 month old) and be around for milestones.

I was very lucky. It all worked out better than I ever could have imagined! Good luck, OP!

+1
At 34 and 39, I was high risk, but ended up with one healthy and one with mild cerebral palsy. This could have happened to anyone. It could have been the blood pressure meds I was on. It could have been something the hospital did. No way to know for certain. Having kids at any age is a risk, particularly if you are a woman of color in the US. Being older means I care less what other moms say, I'm more confident in the doctor's office and in general, I've had a chance to live MY life with DH, I'm more settled, we are making more money, and my career is more established. So, no, I don't regret it.

[Anonymous]

Adopted a newborn now 15 at 45. No regrets other than dc is an only w old parents. I’m tired sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do sometimes envy younger parents who have more family support in the grandparents. They can leave the kids for a weekend with the grandparents while they get away for a long weekend. Ours are too old and frail to keep up with our grandchildren for more than a day.

I can see that.

However this isn't necessarily an age thing--sometimes young grandparents don't want to hang out with their grandkids. YNK

[Anonymous]

Had my only at 34 and I feel like I almost missed the train. I certainly wouldn’t wait for financial reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here we go with this same tired old topic again.

Look, the bottom line is simple: it's better to have kids young. Biology prefers it for a reason.

Of course older mothers are going to disagree, because they have to validate their choices or circumstances. All of this baloney about the benefits of having kids older -- being financially secure, having fun in your youth, etc. -- benefit the parents, not the kids. If, for example, you're a struggling grad student, having a kid doesn't hurt the kid because your future earnings potential is presumably high.

That's what we did. We got married in our early 20s, got our kids out of the way while going to grad school, and had all four before we were 30. Now our kids are full grown, and the parents of their kids' friends are closer to our age than theirs. And our kids didn't suffer economically, academically, or socially because we didn't wait until the timing was "perfect" by DCUM's definition. To the contrary, they thrived.

Here she is! This boomer always wants to come and weigh in on this subject. The lady who had her 4 kids in her 20s and judges all of us that are having our babies past the ripe old age of 34.

Lady, why are you old and still so hung up on this? You're a grandma now - go enjoy your "thriving" family!

When all else fails, resort to insults.

Green doesn't look very pretty on you.

Granny, NO ONE is jealous of you. Promise. You sound like a bratty middle school girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t regret it but some things about it are harder than they would have been if I’d become a mother at a younger age. Much less energy, perimenopause colliding with teen hormones, etc. Plus it’s not always a straight line to post secondary education and independent adulthood, something that didn’t occur to me before. Yes, I’m dumb.

How old were you when you had them? I was 30 and 32 (so not over 35) and now, at 48, I am starting to deal with perimenopause and they are still teens (older one is leaving for college this year but younger one is still in the thick of high school). I definitely wasn’t ready/able to have children earlier so I would think this would be hard to avoid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank god I didn't have kids in my 20s! I was dating a total D!

I'm so grateful for my adorable kids that I had "late in life". I feel so lucky to have the family I have.

Also, I don't know what I would do with my time as a 45 year old empty nester. Strange to think about.

What did you do with your time as an empty nester for the first 40 years of your life?

let me break it down for you

0-18 grew up
18-25 college & grad school
25-30 dated the D
30-32 met, dated and married the love of my life
33 had baby #1
35 stillbirth
36-37 3 miscarriages
38 baby #2
40 baby #3

I/We have been through a lot but I still feel like we won the lottery with the kids we have. I would never recommend not having a child just because you are older and might die when the kid is 20.

You missed the point