How to handle this? Photo display

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is incredibly tacky.

I agree it is incredibly tacky of OP to keep going on and on about this. It is just a photo.

Have you ever lost someone you love? You do not use someone else's painful day as a joyful occasion and then display it. This is elementary human relations 101, 102, 103.

DP. There are plenty of people on this thread who have lost loved ones (I lost 2 to suicide) and have no problem with this. It's hard to believe you're as old as you are and you still don't understand that not everyone thinks the way you do. I hope you can learn that someday.

I truly think this board prides itself on contrarian takes to rile people up and make OPs feel stupid. In the real world -- not anonymous message-board-land -- such behavior just isn't done.

But it clearly is done in the real world. Just because you’ve never done it doesn’t mean it must not happen.

Agreed, my father died a few years ago and we hosted the wake at our house. I love looking at the pictures from that weekend with all of the relatives and extended family all dressed up and together. OP I think that it is ok to be sad about your mother's death, but eventually you have to be able to move past the sadness and remember the good times that you spent with her. I don't know if you are religious or not, but my church calls memorial services "celebrations of life" and I really like that framing.

Wow, it’s unusual to me that you love looking at photos from your dad’s funeral. I have to hold down the vomit when I come across a prayer card from my dad’s service in an old purse or something.

Same here. It's so painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get that it feels insensitive to you. But the fact is they went to your mother's funeral. Very few in-laws go at all, and how many times have posters come on to say their IL family is insensitive to not going.

This feels a little like a no-win for IL family. Maybe think of it in terms of they were nice enough to attend.

What? In what sense is it anywhere near a non win? I’m sure the OP abd her husband appreciated their attendance and told them so. That counts as “winning” as you phrase it. Taking a family photo at the funeral is flat out insensitive to the point where it pretty much nullifies the original kind gesture.

I cannot believe this has to be explained to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get that it feels insensitive to you. But the fact is they went to your mother's funeral. Very few in-laws go at all, and how many times have posters come on to say their IL family is insensitive to not going.

This feels a little like a no-win for IL family. Maybe think of it in terms of they were nice enough to attend.

What? In what sense is it anywhere near a non win? I’m sure the OP abd her husband appreciated their attendance and told them so. That counts as “winning” as you phrase it. Taking a family photo at the funeral is flat out insensitive to the point where it pretty much nullifies the original kind gesture.

I cannot believe this has to be explained to you.

Seriously! It's like saying someone was "nice enough" to attend your wedding, so you should also ignore the fact that they puked on the dance floor. How dare you mention it! It will nullify their kindness!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is incredibly tacky.

I agree it is incredibly tacky of OP to keep going on and on about this. It is just a photo.

Have you ever lost someone you love? You do not use someone else's painful day as a joyful occasion and then display it. This is elementary human relations 101, 102, 103.

DP. There are plenty of people on this thread who have lost loved ones (I lost 2 to suicide) and have no problem with this. It's hard to believe you're as old as you are and you still don't understand that not everyone thinks the way you do. I hope you can learn that someday.

I truly think this board prides itself on contrarian takes to rile people up and make OPs feel stupid. In the real world -- not anonymous message-board-land -- such behavior just isn't done.

But it clearly is done in the real world. Just because you’ve never done it doesn’t mean it must not happen.

Agreed, my father died a few years ago and we hosted the wake at our house. I love looking at the pictures from that weekend with all of the relatives and extended family all dressed up and together. OP I think that it is ok to be sad about your mother's death, but eventually you have to be able to move past the sadness and remember the good times that you spent with her. I don't know if you are religious or not, but my church calls memorial services "celebrations of life" and I really like that framing.

I truly think a lot of people are missing the point here. In-laws, ostensibly there to join a grieving daughter-in-law/sister-in-law in mourning, took the opportunity to take a smiling photo with their own mother, who was alive. OK, fine. Perhaps you do that, but you share it among yourselves.

Instead, someone blew up a photo of a painful day and presented it as a framed gift, in front of the mourner, for a completely different reason -- to celebrate the living mother.

It's insensitive. It turned a sad occasion into a photo opportunity, and then a gifting opportunity, in front of someone for whom the day held pain.

This isn't even an immediate relative of the deceased gathering her brothers and sisters or something to mark togetherness. This is, as another PP put it, C-list attendees using the occasion for their own purposes. Then gifting it. A funeral is not a backdrop for a present. This really isn't complicated.

I'm the PP who lost 2 siblings to suicide. Like the PP, I like looking at the pictures of everyone who came to the wakes. Yes, it was a devastating time but my surviving family and we really appreciate everyone who showed up. Some of the people, we hadn't seen in years and, despite it being such a sad occasion, was great to see them again. It was a definitely a celebration of life. That may not be something you and OP want but you're not going to convince us that we're wrong - no more than we can convince you that you're wrong. So, you and the OP need to move on. To do anything else is creating needless drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry about your mom. But this seems like you're looking to create something and make it about you. Let it go, it's not worth it. Figure out how to process your own grief. Let your inlaws enjoy the time and memories they have together.

+1 This. Death is part of life. You need to work through your grief without trying to find reasons to be injured. I'm so sorry that you lost your mother, but frankly you seem intent on finding ways to be offended. Perhaps focus on the fact that so many of your in-laws made the effort to attend your mother's funeral. I think that is really quite nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is incredibly tacky.

I agree it is incredibly tacky of OP to keep going on and on about this. It is just a photo.

Have you ever lost someone you love? You do not use someone else's painful day as a joyful occasion and then display it. This is elementary human relations 101, 102, 103.

OH, please. Most funerals I've attended for people old enough to have adult children were equal parts sad and a celebration of life. OP is making the choice to be upset about the setting of a photo. Enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think they did any of this to be malicious, but it is in extremely poor taste. Who takes photos at a funeral? Disrespectful, IMO.

It's in really poor taste; the issue, to me, seems less about the photo's memories and more the fact that it was even taken and presented.

Agreed. Poor taste, low class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get that it feels insensitive to you. But the fact is they went to your mother's funeral. Very few in-laws go at all, and how many times have posters come on to say their IL family is insensitive to not going.

This feels a little like a no-win for IL family. Maybe think of it in terms of they were nice enough to attend.

No. They could have “won” by attending to support OP and not using her mother’s memorial service for a family photo op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is incredibly tacky.

I agree it is incredibly tacky of OP to keep going on and on about this. It is just a photo.

Have you ever lost someone you love? You do not use someone else's painful day as a joyful occasion and then display it. This is elementary human relations 101, 102, 103.

OH, please. Most funerals I've attended for people old enough to have adult children were equal parts sad and a celebration of life. OP is making the choice to be upset about the setting of a photo. Enough.

Agree with the poster who said "Have you ever lost someone you love? You do not use someone else's painful day as a joyful occasion and then display it. This is elementary human relations 101, 102, 103"

Yes, funerals can be a celebration of life of the deceased person and joyous as well as sad...but to have the ILs take family pictures at that occasion is insane. And to take the pictures and present it as a Christmas present is even more trashy. Are they really that ghetto that they could not get pictures somewhere else or on some other occasion? Absolutely low class trashy people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it unusual for them all to be together? Just trying to see it from their POV.

They should also see it from her point of view and how insensitive it was/is.

We took a big family picture at my grandmothers funeral. All of her descendants were there. It may never happen again. I am sure my grandmother would have approved. I am sorry it bothered OP. I can understand it but I also see the other side.

YOUR grandmother. Imagine staging a photo op at your husband's mom's funeral.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is incredibly tacky.

I agree it is incredibly tacky of OP to keep going on and on about this. It is just a photo.

Oh, you’re a child. Didn’t realize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to move on. You don't get to tell someone what photos are displayed in their home, particularly since it is a family photo - regardless of the circumstances under which it was taken. If this is so triggering for you, I suggest you work with a grief counselor.

+1. A few years ago my cousin passed away rather young (mid-40s), and although a sad occasion, some of his relatives on the other side took family photos at the memorial service. Everyone was there, they were all dressed up, etc. My mother later said she regretted that they hadn't thought to take a family photo or at least one with her two sisters. My aunt who lost her son then passed away unexpectedly a few months later, and my mother regretted even more not taking a photo with her and their other sister at my cousin's service.

This is all just to say that families gather at weddings and funerals and sometimes those are the only opportunities to take family photos. Try to separate the photo from the location where it was taken and, as PP said, if it is that triggering, seek grief counseling. I'm sorry for your loss.

I really think this is extremely wrong -- especially handing out such a photo at Christmas!
"The only opportunities to take family photos?" At an in-laws' funeral? Come ON. Nope nope nope. Your sense of decency should override your desire for a photo op.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry about your mom. But this seems like you're looking to create something and make it about you. Let it go, it's not worth it. Figure out how to process your own grief. Let your inlaws enjoy the time and memories they have together.

+1 This. Death is part of life. You need to work through your grief without trying to find reasons to be injured. I'm so sorry that you lost your mother, but frankly you seem intent on finding ways to be offended. Perhaps focus on the fact that so many of your in-laws made the effort to attend your mother's funeral. I think that is really quite nice.

I think that the ILs are disgusting.

You can get back when someone from your DH's family dies. Dress up and take lots of pictures and post it on social media..."Hey! I look so good in black!!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is incredibly tacky.

I agree it is incredibly tacky of OP to keep going on and on about this. It is just a photo.

Have you ever lost someone you love? You do not use someone else's painful day as a joyful occasion and then display it. This is elementary human relations 101, 102, 103.

DP. There are plenty of people on this thread who have lost loved ones (I lost 2 to suicide) and have no problem with this. It's hard to believe you're as old as you are and you still don't understand that not everyone thinks the way you do. I hope you can learn that someday.

I truly think this board prides itself on contrarian takes to rile people up and make OPs feel stupid. In the real world -- not anonymous message-board-land -- such behavior just isn't done.

Agreed. If I went to a funeral and saw that people were taking family pics (OMFG!!), I would certainly be raising my eyebrows at it. I can assure you that in my circle this would have been commented about and people would have thought that this behavior was very low class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it unusual for them all to be together? Just trying to see it from their POV.

This. They probably are never all together and made the most of the moment. Can you see any of their side op? Sorry for your loss.