How to handle this? Photo display

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is incredibly tacky.

I agree it is incredibly tacky of OP to keep going on and on about this. It is just a photo.

Have you ever lost someone you love? You do not use someone else's painful day as a joyful occasion and then display it. This is elementary human relations 101, 102, 103.

DP. There are plenty of people on this thread who have lost loved ones (I lost 2 to suicide) and have no problem with this. It's hard to believe you're as old as you are and you still don't understand that not everyone thinks the way you do. I hope you can learn that someday.

I truly think this board prides itself on contrarian takes to rile people up and make OPs feel stupid. In the real world -- not anonymous message-board-land -- such behavior just isn't done.

Agreed. If I went to a funeral and saw that people were taking family pics (OMFG!!), I would certainly be raising my eyebrows at it. I can assure you that in my circle this would have been commented about and people would have thought that this behavior was very low class.

Low class? Pfff. People are so busy that often, particularly once everyone in your family hits a certain age, funerals are where we see one another the most. Many of my family members are too infirm to travel but they do make it to funerals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is incredibly tacky.

I agree it is incredibly tacky of OP to keep going on and on about this. It is just a photo.

Have you ever lost someone you love? You do not use someone else's painful day as a joyful occasion and then display it. This is elementary human relations 101, 102, 103.

DP. There are plenty of people on this thread who have lost loved ones (I lost 2 to suicide) and have no problem with this. It's hard to believe you're as old as you are and you still don't understand that not everyone thinks the way you do. I hope you can learn that someday.

I truly think this board prides itself on contrarian takes to rile people up and make OPs feel stupid. In the real world -- not anonymous message-board-land -- such behavior just isn't done.

But it clearly is done in the real world. Just because you’ve never done it doesn’t mean it must not happen.

Agreed, my father died a few years ago and we hosted the wake at our house. I love looking at the pictures from that weekend with all of the relatives and extended family all dressed up and together. OP I think that it is ok to be sad about your mother's death, but eventually you have to be able to move past the sadness and remember the good times that you spent with her. I don't know if you are religious or not, but my church calls memorial services "celebrations of life" and I really like that framing.

I truly think a lot of people are missing the point here. In-laws, ostensibly there to join a grieving daughter-in-law/sister-in-law in mourning, took the opportunity to take a smiling photo with their own mother, who was alive. OK, fine. Perhaps you do that, but you share it among yourselves.

Instead, someone blew up a photo of a painful day and presented it as a framed gift, in front of the mourner, for a completely different reason -- to celebrate the living mother.

It's insensitive. It turned a sad occasion into a photo opportunity, and then a gifting opportunity, in front of someone for whom the day held pain.

This isn't even an immediate relative of the deceased gathering her brothers and sisters or something to mark togetherness. This is, as another PP put it, C-list attendees using the occasion for their own purposes. Then gifting it. A funeral is not a backdrop for a present. This really isn't complicated.

I'm the PP who lost 2 siblings to suicide. Like the PP, I like looking at the pictures of everyone who came to the wakes. Yes, it was a devastating time but my surviving family and we really appreciate everyone who showed up. Some of the people, we hadn't seen in years and, despite it being such a sad occasion, was great to see them again. It was a definitely a celebration of life. That may not be something you and OP want but you're not going to convince us that we're wrong - no more than we can convince you that you're wrong. So, you and the OP need to move on. To do anything else is creating needless drama.

+200

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is incredibly tacky.

I agree it is incredibly tacky of OP to keep going on and on about this. It is just a photo.

Have you ever lost someone you love? You do not use someone else's painful day as a joyful occasion and then display it. This is elementary human relations 101, 102, 103.

OH, please. Most funerals I've attended for people old enough to have adult children were equal parts sad and a celebration of life. OP is making the choice to be upset about the setting of a photo. Enough.

Agree with the poster who said "Have you ever lost someone you love? You do not use someone else's painful day as a joyful occasion and then display it. This is elementary human relations 101, 102, 103"

Yes, funerals can be a celebration of life of the deceased person and joyous as well as sad...but to have the ILs take family pictures at that occasion is insane. And to take the pictures and present it as a Christmas present is even more trashy. Are they really that ghetto that they could not get pictures somewhere else or on some other occasion? Absolutely low class trashy people.

Stop using that race laden term. You are showing your ignorance. Everything about your posts is low class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was very insensitive of them, both to take the picture and then frame it and present it in front of you.

But... did you already write about this a long time ago? Or is this something that is common?

This sounded familiar to me too

This was posted a year or so ago. I remember it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry about your mom. But this seems like you're looking to create something and make it about you. Let it go, it's not worth it. Figure out how to process your own grief. Let your inlaws enjoy the time and memories they have together.

+1
The setting should be a huge reminder that time is precious and not to take anything for granted. Who knows where they were last together or will be again. This is not about you so don’t make drama where there is none. Your in laws were kind enough to attend. My in-laws were kind enough to attend my mom’s funeral. Who would have known that would be the last time I would see 2 of them, including my mil as she and another close in law died within 3 months. You also need serious counseling if a photo that brings others joy needs to be removed before you are near it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry about your mom. But this seems like you're looking to create something and make it about you. Let it go, it's not worth it. Figure out how to process your own grief. Let your inlaws enjoy the time and memories they have together.

+1
The setting should be a huge reminder that time is precious and not to take anything for granted. Who knows where they were last together or will be again. This is not about you so don’t make drama where there is none. Your in laws were kind enough to attend. My in-laws were kind enough to attend my mom’s funeral. Who would have known that would be the last time I would see 2 of them, including my mil as she and another close in law died within 3 months. You also need serious counseling if a photo that brings others joy needs to be removed before you are near it.

This is not about you? Uh - the daughter of the deceased. Oh, dear.

[Anonymous]

I mean just practically speaking, do people not cry at funerals? Even if I didn’t think taking a family photo at a funeral was extremely tacky, I’d have mascara running down my face and red splotches all over in the picture..

[Anonymous]

We took a group family picture after my fils funeral. His elderly mom was in the photo. She died a year later. I'm happy we have the photo.

This was different in that it was a picture of my husband's fathers family at my husband's fathers funeral. I don't think my family would attend and make it about them or do something like that.

Op, just gently remind them that you are mourning and the picture is still painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was very insensitive of them, both to take the picture and then frame it and present it in front of you.

But... did you already write about this a long time ago? Or is this something that is common?

This sounded familiar to me too

This was posted a year or so ago. I remember it.

DP. I assumed this was the old thread and was trying to figure out why it got bumped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is prompting you to repost. I don’t see any new developments since Christmas and your husband agrees with you.

I'm the OP. Because we're visiting for the first time since Christmas and to be honest, I'm dreading seeing this photo displayed somewhere. I never said a thing at the time. It's weighing on me. The funeral was the worst day of my life. I am working with a grief therapist. I just don't know if I want to sit in my MIL's living room all day staring at this photo on her mantel.

OP, get your husband to say something in advance. If you see the picture, thank them again for coming and say the pictures of the day still make me sad because you miss your mom so much. Then sit with your back yo the picture.

I wonder what your grief counselor says? It feels like a situation where you are make a side issue into a huge issue to take the pain/attention away from the real issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is prompting you to repost. I don’t see any new developments since Christmas and your husband agrees with you.

I'm the OP. Because we're visiting for the first time since Christmas and to be honest, I'm dreading seeing this photo displayed somewhere. I never said a thing at the time. It's weighing on me. The funeral was the worst day of my life. I am working with a grief therapist. I just don't know if I want to sit in my MIL's living room all day staring at this photo on her mantel.

OP, get your husband to say something in advance. If you see the picture, thank them again for coming and say the pictures of the day still make me sad because you miss your mom so much. Then sit with your back yo the picture.

I wonder what your grief counselor says? It feels like a situation where you are make a side issue into a huge issue to take the pain/attention away from the real issue.

I gently suggest you not do this. As you can see from this thread, there is a great divide in the opinions on this. Your ILs are, clearly, on the side that believes there was no problem doing this. For you or your DH communicate to them that the photo is loaded for you, they're going to think you're nuts. You will be seen as the problem, as unreasonable and to be creating drama. Talk to your grief counselor about how to manage your feelings about it. Even if they were to put away the picture while you visit, you still have memories of this, it still bothers you and you need to find acceptance in order to move on - assuming you don't want to hold this anger forever and want a decent relationship with your ILs.

[Anonymous]

I think it is extraordinarily kind of your IL’s to attend your mother’s funeral. I am part of a very large extended family that rarely gets together except for weddings and funerals. I can’t imagine taking a photo together at a funeral but I have often wished I could. I our culture, wakes are a way to remember the dead and also for the living to connect.

It is not an affront to your mother’s memory for their family to have embraced in love and snapped a photo of it at the occasion of your mother’s funeral.

Clearly, they don’t perceive it that way at all, since it was unwrapped as a gift in front of you.

I think you need to let this go. They did the kindness of attending the funeral. Be grateful for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is prompting you to repost. I don’t see any new developments since Christmas and your husband agrees with you.

I'm the OP. Because we're visiting for the first time since Christmas and to be honest, I'm dreading seeing this photo displayed somewhere. I never said a thing at the time. It's weighing on me. The funeral was the worst day of my life. I am working with a grief therapist. I just don't know if I want to sit in my MIL's living room all day staring at this photo on her mantel.

OP, get your husband to say something in advance. If you see the picture, thank them again for coming and say the pictures of the day still make me sad because you miss your mom so much. Then sit with your back yo the picture.

I wonder what your grief counselor says? It feels like a situation where you are make a side issue into a huge issue to take the pain/attention away from the real issue.

I gently suggest you not do this. As you can see from this thread, there is a great divide in the opinions on this. Your ILs are, clearly, on the side that believes there was no problem doing this. For you or your DH communicate to them that the photo is loaded for you, they're going to think you're nuts. You will be seen as the problem, as unreasonable and to be creating drama. Talk to your grief counselor about how to manage your feelings about it. Even if they were to put away the picture while you visit, you still have memories of this, it still bothers you and you need to find acceptance in order to move on - assuming you don't want to hold this anger forever and want a decent relationship with your ILs.

Creating "drama" would've been to pitch a fit when it was presented at Christmas (which staggers the mind!). I think DH saying something quietly to the MIL later gets the point across that it wasn't well-received without stirring the pot. It seems like the issue is mainly about the ILs insensitivity at this point.

[Anonymous]

OP’s preoccupation with this photo and potential exposure is not healthy. Get therapy OP before you burn bridges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is prompting you to repost. I don’t see any new developments since Christmas and your husband agrees with you.

I'm the OP. Because we're visiting for the first time since Christmas and to be honest, I'm dreading seeing this photo displayed somewhere. I never said a thing at the time. It's weighing on me. The funeral was the worst day of my life. I am working with a grief therapist. I just don't know if I want to sit in my MIL's living room all day staring at this photo on her mantel.

OP, get your husband to say something in advance. If you see the picture, thank them again for coming and say the pictures of the day still make me sad because you miss your mom so much. Then sit with your back yo the picture.

I wonder what your grief counselor says? It feels like a situation where you are make a side issue into a huge issue to take the pain/attention away from the real issue.

I gently suggest you not do this. As you can see from this thread, there is a great divide in the opinions on this. Your ILs are, clearly, on the side that believes there was no problem doing this. For you or your DH communicate to them that the photo is loaded for you, they're going to think you're nuts. You will be seen as the problem, as unreasonable and to be creating drama. Talk to your grief counselor about how to manage your feelings about it. Even if they were to put away the picture while you visit, you still have memories of this, it still bothers you and you need to find acceptance in order to move on - assuming you don't want to hold this anger forever and want a decent relationship with your ILs.

Creating "drama" would've been to pitch a fit when it was presented at Christmas (which staggers the mind!). I think DH saying something quietly to the MIL later gets the point across that it wasn't well-received without stirring the pot. It seems like the issue is mainly about the ILs insensitivity at this point.

If OP were my DIL/SIL and my son/brother brought this up, I'd definitely encorage my my son/brother to get her the mental health she needs. I'd also not remove the picture. If this is the hill she wsnts to die upon, so be it. I would imgaine she's controlling in other ways and my loved one needs to see it.