How to handle this? Photo display

[Anonymous]

Your mother is still dead regardless of whether they have a family photo up or not.

You need to cope with that, not stew and try to stir up drama.

[Anonymous]

This is a TROLL who copied a previous thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a TROLL who copied a previous thread.

She says she is the OP of the other thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to move on. You don't get to tell someone what photos are displayed in their home, particularly since it is a family photo - regardless of the circumstances under which it was taken. If this is so triggering for you, I suggest you work with a grief counselor.

+1. A few years ago my cousin passed away rather young (mid-40s), and although a sad occasion, some of his relatives on the other side took family photos at the memorial service. Everyone was there, they were all dressed up, etc. My mother later said she regretted that they hadn't thought to take a family photo or at least one with her two sisters. My aunt who lost her son then passed away unexpectedly a few months later, and my mother regretted even more not taking a photo with her and their other sister at my cousin's service.

This is all just to say that families gather at weddings and funerals and sometimes those are the only opportunities to take family photos. Try to separate the photo from the location where it was taken and, as PP said, if it is that triggering, seek grief counseling. I'm sorry for your loss.

I really think this is extremely wrong -- especially handing out such a photo at Christmas!
"The only opportunities to take family photos?" At an in-laws' funeral? Come ON. Nope nope nope. Your sense of decency should override your desire for a photo op.

We'll have to agree to disagree. If they had posed in front of the casket, sure, that's disrespectful and gross. But a family photo in a garden? OP's DH can ask to have it put away during their visit, but OP may also want to stop attaching so much meaning to a photo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is prompting you to repost. I don’t see any new developments since Christmas and your husband agrees with you.

I'm the OP. Because we're visiting for the first time since Christmas and to be honest, I'm dreading seeing this photo displayed somewhere. I never said a thing at the time. It's weighing on me. The funeral was the worst day of my life. I am working with a grief therapist. I just don't know if I want to sit in my MIL's living room all day staring at this photo on her mantel.

You could sit in a chair that is not facing the photo! Talk to the grief therapist about ways to manage your feelings around this, since it is not within your control to remove the photo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you make a second thread about this when nothing new has happened? Did you not get enough attention the first time?

What a pleasant, compassionate, and kind response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it unusual for them all to be together? Just trying to see it from their POV.

They should also see it from her point of view and how insensitive it was/is.

We took a big family picture at my grandmothers funeral. All of her descendants were there. It may never happen again. I am sure my grandmother would have approved. I am sorry it bothered OP. I can understand it but I also see the other side.

[Anonymous]

My DH has 2 siblings that have died. In both cases, we took family pictures at the luncheon that was held afterwards. The remaining boys have few occasions where they are all together and dressed up (suit and tie). It doesn’t really bother me.

[Anonymous]

it's clear from the MANY responses of other people taking pictures at funerals that is an incredibly common thing. I understand it's not everyone's cup of tea, but it also isn't weird or abnormal.

I understand you are still grieving, but you don't need to sit in a chair staring at this photo, it's a good opportunity to work on coping skills, your life needs to continue, you can't keep stewing in this. If you haven't already bought it up to MIL, having your DH let them know you would like the picture put away for your visit should be fine. But you can't expect them to tiptoe around this forever, life moves on, and you need to learn to appreciate the time you had with your mom, the support your ILs showed, and communicate rather than stew for months on end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it unusual for them all to be together? Just trying to see it from their POV.

They should also see it from her point of view and how insensitive it was/is.

We took a big family picture at my grandmothers funeral. All of her descendants were there. It may never happen again. I am sure my grandmother would have approved. I am sorry it bothered OP. I can understand it but I also see the other side.

YOUR grandmother. Imagine staging a photo op at your husband's mom's funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it unusual for them all to be together? Just trying to see it from their POV.

They should also see it from her point of view and how insensitive it was/is.

We took a big family picture at my grandmothers funeral. All of her descendants were there. It may never happen again. I am sure my grandmother would have approved. I am sorry it bothered OP. I can understand it but I also see the other side.

YOUR grandmother. Imagine staging a photo op at your husband's mom's funeral.

Apparently they were discreet enough that OP had no idea that they had done it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it unusual for them all to be together? Just trying to see it from their POV.

They should also see it from her point of view and how insensitive it was/is.

We took a big family picture at my grandmothers funeral. All of her descendants were there. It may never happen again. I am sure my grandmother would have approved. I am sorry it bothered OP. I can understand it but I also see the other side.

YOUR grandmother. Imagine staging a photo op at your husband's mom's funeral.

Apparently they were discreet enough that OP had no idea that they had done it.

Doesn’t that make it better? Because their grief is less immediate?

[Anonymous]

This is incredibly tacky.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like OP is angry/hurt that people weren't as sad as she was on the occasion of her mother's funeral and she wants to punish them for finding anything other than sadness at the funeral. They discretely took photos together. So what? It's incredibly self-centered to remain so angry about it that you want them to put the photo away when you come to visit. Work with your grief counselor to get to the root of your anger and how to work through it. If you were my SIL/DIL and asked me to put away a family photo, in my head, I'd be rolling my eyes at your 'fragility'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it's clear from the MANY responses of other people taking pictures at funerals that is an incredibly common thing. I understand it's not everyone's cup of tea, but it also isn't weird or abnormal.

I understand you are still grieving, but you don't need to sit in a chair staring at this photo, it's a good opportunity to work on coping skills, your life needs to continue, you can't keep stewing in this. If you haven't already bought it up to MIL, having your DH let them know you would like the picture put away for your visit should be fine. But you can't expect them to tiptoe around this forever, life moves on, and you need to learn to appreciate the time you had with your mom, the support your ILs showed, and communicate rather than stew for months on end.

NP. I think that it IS common to take photos at a funeral but the photos are of the people who are the primary grievers so to speak. This is a weird situation for a few reasons

1) The in-laws are really c/d list funeral attendees (I feel like this is kind of a crass way to describe it but truthfully, you should know where you rank in the importance scale when you go to a funeral and behave accordingly)
2) The photo they are taking is a photo that an a list funeral attendee has to see (ie, it would be different if her cousins took the picture because they were related to her mom and it would be a photo OP saw on a regular basis) and even had to witness the giving of. This is not just a photo tucked away on a shelf but like, a big primary photo gifted to multiple people and displayed in multiple homes of again, c/d list funeral attendees

So yes, taking family photos at a funeral is normal, but generally it is the family of the deceased taking the photo. I also think there is a difference in the type of funeral. My 17 year old brother died in an accident and let me tell you, there is not a single photo of that day. No one was taking a fam pic there. If OP's mom died in a way that was particularly hard for her, then her in laws, who should primarily have been thinking about OP in attending this funeral as they would have been there to support HER, then they should have been able to understand how that would not be ok.

Honestly OP, I think your reaction is a bit much, but I also understand it, and if your ILs love you enough to attend your mom's funeral, then they should be able to hear from their son, that this photo is really distressing for you, and remove it. I think he can make the request in a way that does not blame them for the existence of the photo, and that is his role in this. Let him take it on.