How do you keep your ILs from promoting traditional roles?

[Anonymous]

Dad at our preschool was bragging about all the STEM toys he got his daughter for Christmas and the careers he's already planning for the 4 year old... Another dad responded "Larla got a toy mop because she loves to help Mama clean. " When worlds collide....

[Anonymous]

I don't understand what's wrong with the mommy comment. Do you not want your child to have children when she grows up? I imagine if she were playing with doctor toys, they would say "you're such a good doctor" or if she were playing with legos "you're such a good builder".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what's wrong with the mommy comment. Do you not want your child to have children when she grows up? I imagine if she were playing with doctor toys, they would say "you're such a good doctor" or if she were playing with legos "you're such a good builder".

I would like my child to make that decision. I neither want or don’t want them to have children when they grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what's wrong with the mommy comment. Do you not want your child to have children when she grows up? I imagine if she were playing with doctor toys, they would say "you're such a good doctor" or if she were playing with legos "you're such a good builder".

I would like my child to make that decision. I neither want or don’t want them to have children when they grow up.

So then if grandma said “you’d make such a good doctor” if they were playing hospital, that would annoy you too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what's wrong with the mommy comment. Do you not want your child to have children when she grows up? I imagine if she were playing with doctor toys, they would say "you're such a good doctor" or if she were playing with legos "you're such a good builder".

I would like my child to make that decision. I neither want or don’t want them to have children when they grow up.

This! It is up to them. If they want to live the fabulous childfree life I would gladly support them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad at our preschool was bragging about all the STEM toys he got his daughter for Christmas and the careers he's already planning for the 4 year old... Another dad responded "Larla got a toy mop because she loves to help Mama clean. " When worlds collide....

Feel sorry for the kid with the mop.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My ILs buy our daughter (2) various gifts. While generous, all the gifts are baby dolls and baby strollers and the like. Some cooking toys. Anyway, she’ll push the stroller and they’ll tell her, “Aww, Larla, you’ll make such a good mommy.” It drives me nuts. I want to take her outside at times when they’re over (to play) and they always say it’s too cold.

How many hours a week are in-laws at your house?

Several.

Like 2? Or 10?

Every Sunday for at least 3 hours. Then childcare 1-2x a week.

So they are ok to use for childcare. But they can’t pick out toys? Got it.

Never said that.

You said every Sunday + childcare 1 - 2x a week. Sounds like you’re depending on their help. Your criticism of them doesn’t seem to be a big deal. Is that your biggest complaint? Are you paying them 25/hr or is it free babysitting?

Yes, it’s free. My biggest complaint is that it’s ONLY girl toys and I don’t like the way they talk around DD.

What's wrong with "girl" toys? Honest question. Are they somehow inferior? I have plenty of "girl" toys for my boys because they like them better sometimes (the stroller, and the kitchen, for starters but also the purse because I always have a purse with me). I hate this whole script of girl toys somehow being inferior and when someone tells a little girl she'll make a good mommy one day there has to be a reply that she will also make a good lawyer one day. Like- fine- of course she might. But the response seems to be under the assumption that being a mommy one day is somehow not enough, or lesser. What the hell is wrong with being a mother???

This! I loath the underlying misogyny of hating playing with dolls etc if it's done my girls.

Thank you. I'm glad at least one person out there agrees with me that if a girl wants something pink, or a doll, we do not have to swoop in and also give her something blue, and a truck, and remind her that she doesn't have to pick the pink, or the doll, she can pick the blue and the truck if she wants! Until we start telling boys, when they pick a toy truck, that they don't have to pick a truck they can pick a pink doll instead because dolls are just as awesome!- then all we are doing when we discourage girls from choosing girly things is underlining the idea that "girly" means "not as good as". Which is incredibly misogynistic.

Rant over. Sorry.

I am so glad others are pointing this out. What is so demeaning about being a mommy or playing with dolls? Maybe OP should worry less about the message the gparents are sending and more about the messages she's sending. If they say girls get cold, just grab an extra jacket? If they actively prevent her from doing stuff bc "girls don't do that" then of course you should intervene, but all OP has talked about is offhand comments that probably go over her head anyway, and some kind of dated stereotypes. OP's stereotypes are pretty dated, too. I pity the poor toddler stuck in this bizarre cultural tug-of-war.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad at our preschool was bragging about all the STEM toys he got his daughter for Christmas and the careers he's already planning for the 4 year old... Another dad responded "Larla got a toy mop because she loves to help Mama clean. " When worlds collide....

Feel sorry for the kid with the mop.

Her mother actually works as a cleaning lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad at our preschool was bragging about all the STEM toys he got his daughter for Christmas and the careers he's already planning for the 4 year old... Another dad responded "Larla got a toy mop because she loves to help Mama clean. " When worlds collide....

Feel sorry for the kid with the mop.

I feel sorry for the kids with “STEM toys”. What a crock. Preschool kids love pretend cleaning equipment. Or, even better, playing with the real stuff. Give a toddler a dustpan and a little broom and they are happy little campers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs buy our daughter (2) various gifts. While generous, all the gifts are baby dolls and baby strollers and the like. Some cooking toys. Anyway, she’ll push the stroller and they’ll tell her, “Aww, Larla, you’ll make such a good mommy.” It drives me nuts. I want to take her outside at times when they’re over (to play) and they always say it’s too cold.

You can't control what your parents/ILs say or do.

I am first generation American, and my parents were raised in a different culture and hold values that I don't always believe in. Unless I think it is blatant discrimination or ridiculous, I often don't say anything directly in front of them to correct. I do make it a point to speak to my kids about values that I believe are important. From my observations, the fact that my parents are ultra conservative in their thinking don't seem to affect my kids much. My kids are old enough now to actually politely question my parents directly with what they say.

It is much more important that you model behaviours your want your child to emulate. You have much greater influence at this point than anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad at our preschool was bragging about all the STEM toys he got his daughter for Christmas and the careers he's already planning for the 4 year old... Another dad responded "Larla got a toy mop because she loves to help Mama clean. " When worlds collide....

Feel sorry for the kid with the mop.

Her mother actually works as a cleaning lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
All you can do is explain and repeat that girls cannot be defined by motherhood, but must be financially independent first and foremost, and that little remarks like this undercut the real message.

My parents have been receptive to this, but I don't even bother with my ILs. They belong to a culture with strict gender roles. We don't see them very often.

You can raise your kids how you want, but you should not pretend that this is a universal value. I personally disagree with this, and consider THE FAMILY to be an economic unit, and the role of a parent is the one most likely to bring happiness to your kids.

And what do you expect the grandparents to do, buy your kid a calculator and say, "Oh look Larla, you will be a great CPA someday." Wait until your child is older and pursuing interests and let your ILs support those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What difference does it make? You are a far greater influence on your child than grandparents. If you want to go outside, just do it. You don’t need their permission.

Agree. I let my ILs grandparent my kids as they like, as much for them as my kids. They spend such little time with them and have so little influence on how they turnout that this kind of stuff just doesn't matter to me. What matters is that both my kids and their grandparents experience a loving relationship. I balance out all the baby dolls my daughter gets from whomever with sports equipment and Legos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For someone who wants her daughter to be independent and strong, you’re coming off as quite passive. Is that really what you want to model for your kid—seething silently over gifts you don’t like and putting aside your desire to do something because others say it’s too cold outside? Your ILs comments are nothing compared to how you’re acting, OP.

The kid is 2. Which career would you like the ILs to be promoting?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My ILs buy our daughter (2) various gifts. While generous, all the gifts are baby dolls and baby strollers and the like. Some cooking toys. Anyway, she’ll push the stroller and they’ll tell her, “Aww, Larla, you’ll make such a good mommy.” It drives me nuts. I want to take her outside at times when they’re over (to play) and they always say it’s too cold.

How many hours a week are in-laws at your house?

Several.

Like 2? Or 10?

Every Sunday for at least 3 hours. Then childcare 1-2x a week.

So they are ok to use for childcare. But they can’t pick out toys? Got it.

Never said that.

You said every Sunday + childcare 1 - 2x a week. Sounds like you’re depending on their help. Your criticism of them doesn’t seem to be a big deal. Is that your biggest complaint? Are you paying them 25/hr or is it free babysitting?

Yes, it’s free. My biggest complaint is that it’s ONLY girl toys and I don’t like the way they talk around DD.

Define “girl toys”? What if it was only cooking toys? Only sports toys? Only legos?

Look around…are the only toys your daughter has “girl toys”. If not, no problem. If so, you created the problem.

No sport toys and no legos. Just a lot of stuffed dolls and cooking supplies, and at least one toy stroller

How nice of the grandparents to buy these for your child!

If you want to balance that out with other types of toys, go for it. Your child will get to different exposures. I grew up with lots of sports related toys and wouldn't have minded if I had a toy kitchen or some stuffed animals.