How do you keep your ILs from promoting traditional roles?

[Anonymous]

My ILs buy our daughter (2) various gifts. While generous, all the gifts are baby dolls and baby strollers and the like. Some cooking toys. Anyway, she’ll push the stroller and they’ll tell her, “Aww, Larla, you’ll make such a good mommy.” It drives me nuts. I want to take her outside at times when they’re over (to play) and they always say it’s too cold.

[Anonymous]

All you can do is explain and repeat that girls cannot be defined by motherhood, but must be financially independent first and foremost, and that little remarks like this undercut the real message.

My parents have been receptive to this, but I don't even bother with my ILs. They belong to a culture with strict gender roles. We don't see them very often.

[Anonymous]

What difference does it make? You are a far greater influence on your child than grandparents. If you want to go outside, just do it. You don’t need their permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs buy our daughter (2) various gifts. While generous, all the gifts are baby dolls and baby strollers and the like. Some cooking toys. Anyway, she’ll push the stroller and they’ll tell her, “Aww, Larla, you’ll make such a good mommy.” It drives me nuts. I want to take her outside at times when they’re over (to play) and they always say it’s too cold.

“Oh it’s too cold for you? Well Larla and I are bundled up. We’ll be back in an hour. Bye.”

[Anonymous]

Grin and bear it. Say thank you for the gifts and leave it at that. It’s up to them and your daughter to form their own relationship. Believe me, there will come a time when your daughter will have her own opinion on these types of comments and if they keep it up, she’ll let them know how she feels about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs buy our daughter (2) various gifts. While generous, all the gifts are baby dolls and baby strollers and the like. Some cooking toys. Anyway, she’ll push the stroller and they’ll tell her, “Aww, Larla, you’ll make such a good mommy.” It drives me nuts. I want to take her outside at times when they’re over (to play) and they always say it’s too cold.

“Oh it’s too cold for you? Well Larla and I are bundled up. We’ll be back in an hour. Bye.”

OP here. I will continue to do that but DD is super chatty and repeats everything she hears, sometimes to our chagrin. My ILs will say, “girls will get sick from the cold” (It’s April and not that cold where I live…).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs buy our daughter (2) various gifts. While generous, all the gifts are baby dolls and baby strollers and the like. Some cooking toys. Anyway, she’ll push the stroller and they’ll tell her, “Aww, Larla, you’ll make such a good mommy.” It drives me nuts. I want to take her outside at times when they’re over (to play) and they always say it’s too cold.

“Oh it’s too cold for you? Well Larla and I are bundled up. We’ll be back in an hour. Bye.”

Agree with this. If it's too cold for them, they can sit inside with a blanket over their laps and talk with DH or snooze while you (and maybe DH) take your kids out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs buy our daughter (2) various gifts. While generous, all the gifts are baby dolls and baby strollers and the like. Some cooking toys. Anyway, she’ll push the stroller and they’ll tell her, “Aww, Larla, you’ll make such a good mommy.” It drives me nuts. I want to take her outside at times when they’re over (to play) and they always say it’s too cold.

“Oh it’s too cold for you? Well Larla and I are bundled up. We’ll be back in an hour. Bye.”

OP here. I will continue to do that but DD is super chatty and repeats everything she hears, sometimes to our chagrin. My ILs will say, “girls will get sick from the cold” (It’s April and not that cold where I live…).

Yeah, no you need to speak up. That's an unhealthy dynamic.

[Anonymous]

For someone who wants her daughter to be independent and strong, you’re coming off as quite passive. Is that really what you want to model for your kid—seething silently over gifts you don’t like and putting aside your desire to do something because others say it’s too cold outside? Your ILs comments are nothing compared to how you’re acting, OP.

[Anonymous]

And people wonder why transgenderism is trending among youth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For someone who wants her daughter to be independent and strong, you’re coming off as quite passive. Is that really what you want to model for your kid—seething silently over gifts you don’t like and putting aside your desire to do something because others say it’s too cold outside? Your ILs comments are nothing compared to how you’re acting, OP.

Great point. Also, remember that these people grew up in completely different times with different expectations. Give them a little grace. I’m sure they love their granddaughter and are just trying to relate to a 2 year old the only way they know how. You can’t control everything she hears and absorbs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs buy our daughter (2) various gifts. While generous, all the gifts are baby dolls and baby strollers and the like. Some cooking toys. Anyway, she’ll push the stroller and they’ll tell her, “Aww, Larla, you’ll make such a good mommy.” It drives me nuts. I want to take her outside at times when they’re over (to play) and they always say it’s too cold.

“Oh it’s too cold for you? Well Larla and I are bundled up. We’ll be back in an hour. Bye.”

OP here. I will continue to do that but DD is super chatty and repeats everything she hears, sometimes to our chagrin. My ILs will say, “girls will get sick from the cold” (It’s April and not that cold where I live…).

So what? She’s 2!

[Anonymous]

Unless your daughter's only contact with the outside word is her grandparents, this is a non-issue. By elementary school you can just say, yup, grams and gramps are a little old fashioned. Crazy how fast the world changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For someone who wants her daughter to be independent and strong, you’re coming off as quite passive. Is that really what you want to model for your kid—seething silently over gifts you don’t like and putting aside your desire to do something because others say it’s too cold outside? Your ILs comments are nothing compared to how you’re acting, OP.

Great point. Also, remember that these people grew up in completely different times with different expectations. Give them a little grace. I’m sure they love their granddaughter and are just trying to relate to a 2 year old the only way they know how. You can’t control everything she hears and absorbs.

+ one million
People really tend to forget this.

[Anonymous]

I would try generalizing the comments (both when ILs make them and when the cold repeats them), eg:

“Larla will be such a good mommy” reply with “Maybe she will! I bet she’ll be a really good lawyer with how she always talks daddy into an extra cookie!”

“Girls will get sick from the cold” reply with “Yes, everyone could get sick from the cold! That’s why it’s important to wear your socks!”

Sometimes the improv role of “yes and” is a good way to deal with parenting advice/input you disagree with but don’t want to start drama about.