Are we the Aholes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - can you take dog & go to inlaws house and then have BBQ at BIL's and leave dog at inlaws? This seems more reasonable. Then you can visit without dog and also not board the dog. BIL should be offering this as a compromise.

Otherwise, I would just say you are coming to inlaws with the dog and will have to see BIL and his family another time. Too bad.

OP here.
BIL Lives about 90 minutes from IL and actually someone we originally suggested but BIL doesn't like 'hosting' things and prefers IL house due to the size and set up. They have a beautiful property with lots of yard and trees and several fun things (4 wheeler, in ground trampoline, tennis court etc)

Then just go visit inlaws on your own and make your own plans with them, and figure out another time to see BIL. Maybe board the dog once every other month and see BIL and inlaws together then. You and DH have every right to visit with inlaws solo.

[Anonymous]

I doubt Niece just developed a deadly dog allergy. Its either mild or nonexistent. If it is deadly the IL would probably be more forceful about the dog not visiting.

[Anonymous]

No one is an as* in this situation. His daughter is allergic to dogs, so you shouldn’t bring your dog. You don’t want to go without your dog ( for whatever reason is fine, it’s your choice). So you don’t go. There is zero reason this should be taking up any space in your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is pretty rude to take a dog to a cookout when someone has asked you not to do that.

And rude not to go because of this. For family. Give a high schooler $20 to check in and walk the dog.

A dog is part of a family. You get that right? People take them to brunch for effs sake. Some people like animals. others don't. But don't get made when someone says they aren't coming because you don't like their dog.

New poster.

"Don't like" is NOT the issue. Allergies are. JFC, get a grip. I love dogs and cats. I am allergic to them. Do you think I hate them because I would have to avoid gatherings, especially overnight stays, where they are present? I guess you'd say I don't like them but the reality is they make me sick, you nitwit. Do you also think people with food allergies are "just making it up because they're picky"? I suspect you do.

OP, at first, most here were responding based on the idea you referred to cookouts etc. Then you told us that these cookouts are a four-hour drive each way. That extra information helps because, yeah, it's not a great situation and you're not just leaving the dog for an afternoon, but overnight, if you go. BUT with that said -- I would still find an arrangement where you can be away from the dog overnight. Not every single time there's a casual cookout but at least some of the time, so you are not saying no no no and building up resentment. The dog will be fine (despite the PP's insistence, it's a dog, a lovely one, but not your child). Don't damage a family relationship over this by being draconian about Never Leaving The Dog. Other dog owners manage this somehow. Surely you can find a solution too, which does not involve taking the dog where it's not appropriate to take it.

And BTW, your BIL likely will cool off on the super frequent insistence on "making up for lost time," eventually. Right now it sounds like he's pushing hard for maybe too many gatherings too close together. Can you just be patient with him, accept a few select invitations without the dog, and not do others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Yes, the inlaws like the dog. Have never had an issue and even take it for walks while we are there. FIL has taught him to fetch a tennis ball and MIL has made him homemade treats.
Over COVID we visited with no issue because BIL was not there.
Only now that BIL and his family are wanting to get together all of the time is it an issue. Again, we didn't know it was an issue with niece when we got our dog and it is not just me who doesn't want to board it. DH does not want to leave it alone that much.
and we aren't rude, originally we declined invitations (after we know about the dog) and just said it didn't work. When MIL pressed why we werne't coming DH told her why and she said she understood but must have told BIL who is now making it a very large issue and calling DH an Ahole.

I see both sides. Question: is BIL & family -also- spending the night or is that just you guys? If it is both families then, yeah, you can't bring the dog unless it is going to sleep outside in a dog house or in the garage in a crate. But if BIL & family head home for the night then I don't see why you can't keep the dog outside all day, bring it in for the night after BIL & family leave, and then put it back out in the morning (on the off-chance that BIL & family come back over).

OP here. They typically do not spend the night and leave around 8-9pm depending. They live a little over an hour and a half away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Yes, the inlaws like the dog. Have never had an issue and even take it for walks while we are there. FIL has taught him to fetch a tennis ball and MIL has made him homemade treats.
Over COVID we visited with no issue because BIL was not there.
Only now that BIL and his family are wanting to get together all of the time is it an issue. Again, we didn't know it was an issue with niece when we got our dog and it is not just me who doesn't want to board it. DH does not want to leave it alone that much.
and we aren't rude, originally we declined invitations (after we know about the dog) and just said it didn't work. When MIL pressed why we werne't coming DH told her why and she said she understood but must have told BIL who is now making it a very large issue and calling DH an Ahole.

I see both sides. Question: is BIL & family -also- spending the night or is that just you guys? If it is both families then, yeah, you can't bring the dog unless it is going to sleep outside in a dog house or in the garage in a crate. But if BIL & family head home for the night then I don't see why you can't keep the dog outside all day, bring it in for the night after BIL & family leave, and then put it back out in the morning (on the off-chance that BIL & family come back over).

OP here. They typically do not spend the night and leave around 8-9pm depending. They live a little over an hour and a half away.

DP - so would you and BIL be ok with having the dog outside and away from the niece while they visit or is BIL resistant to that too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is pretty rude to take a dog to a cookout when someone has asked you not to do that.

And rude not to go because of this. For family. Give a high schooler $20 to check in and walk the dog.

A dog is part of a family. You get that right? People take them to brunch for effs sake. Some people like animals. others don't. But don't get made when someone says they aren't coming because you don't like their dog.

New poster.

"Don't like" is NOT the issue. Allergies are. JFC, get a grip. I love dogs and cats. I am allergic to them. Do you think I hate them because I would have to avoid gatherings, especially overnight stays, where they are present? I guess you'd say I don't like them but the reality is they make me sick, you nitwit. Do you also think people with food allergies are "just making it up because they're picky"? I suspect you do.

OP, at first, most here were responding based on the idea you referred to cookouts etc. Then you told us that these cookouts are a four-hour drive each way. That extra information helps because, yeah, it's not a great situation and you're not just leaving the dog for an afternoon, but overnight, if you go. BUT with that said -- I would still find an arrangement where you can be away from the dog overnight. Not every single time there's a casual cookout but at least some of the time, so you are not saying no no no and building up resentment. The dog will be fine (despite the PP's insistence, it's a dog, a lovely one, but not your child). Don't damage a family relationship over this by being draconian about Never Leaving The Dog. Other dog owners manage this somehow. Surely you can find a solution too, which does not involve taking the dog where it's not appropriate to take it.

And BTW, your BIL likely will cool off on the super frequent insistence on "making up for lost time," eventually. Right now it sounds like he's pushing hard for maybe too many gatherings too close together. Can you just be patient with him, accept a few select invitations without the dog, and not do others?

OP said they will board it for holidays and major family functions. Did you not read the BIL called DH an 'ahole" for not wanting to visit so often for no reason and have to leave the dog at a kennel. The issue is, BIL called the aholes for declining to visit on BIL terms.
OP never said they would never visit again or never leave the dog. Does anyone ever read the posts??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is pretty rude to take a dog to a cookout when someone has asked you not to do that.

And rude not to go because of this. For family. Give a high schooler $20 to check in and walk the dog.

A dog is part of a family. You get that right? People take them to brunch for effs sake. Some people like animals. others don't. But don't get made when someone says they aren't coming because you don't like their dog.

New poster.

"Don't like" is NOT the issue. Allergies are. JFC, get a grip. I love dogs and cats. I am allergic to them. Do you think I hate them because I would have to avoid gatherings, especially overnight stays, where they are present? I guess you'd say I don't like them but the reality is they make me sick, you nitwit. Do you also think people with food allergies are "just making it up because they're picky"? I suspect you do.

OP, at first, most here were responding based on the idea you referred to cookouts etc. Then you told us that these cookouts are a four-hour drive each way. That extra information helps because, yeah, it's not a great situation and you're not just leaving the dog for an afternoon, but overnight, if you go. BUT with that said -- I would still find an arrangement where you can be away from the dog overnight. Not every single time there's a casual cookout but at least some of the time, so you are not saying no no no and building up resentment. The dog will be fine (despite the PP's insistence, it's a dog, a lovely one, but not your child). Don't damage a family relationship over this by being draconian about Never Leaving The Dog. Other dog owners manage this somehow. Surely you can find a solution too, which does not involve taking the dog where it's not appropriate to take it.

And BTW, your BIL likely will cool off on the super frequent insistence on "making up for lost time," eventually. Right now it sounds like he's pushing hard for maybe too many gatherings too close together. Can you just be patient with him, accept a few select invitations without the dog, and not do others?

The 4 hr drive is in the first paragraph its not new information.

[Anonymous]

Again, for those in the back.
These take place at the IL house
It is 4 hours from OP
OP is fine leaving dog at kennel for holidays/major events
Niece is 12 and alelrgies have never been mentioned
OP offered to leave dog at IL house and go to BIL house. He said no
OP spends night sometimes, BIL doesnt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt Niece just developed a deadly dog allergy. Its either mild or nonexistent. If it is deadly the IL would probably be more forceful about the dog not visiting.

Allergies evolve, and can worsen rapidly, particularly in childhood. Late elementary is the typical age for allergies to appear then get worse. Last year, my 11 year old DD was not allergic to spring pollen. This year, I made the mistake of leaving her window open last night, and she needed steroid medication today!!!

So SHUT UP if you're so ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, for those in the back.
These take place at the IL house
It is 4 hours from OP
OP is fine leaving dog at kennel for holidays/major events
Niece is 12 and alelrgies have never been mentioned
OP offered to leave dog at IL house and go to BIL house. He said no
OP spends night sometimes, BIL doesnt

Again, for the assh0les. People before pets. If someone asks you not to bring your pet, even if it's not their house, you don't bring the bloody pet. No matter the reason!

- dog owner.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, so many of the PPs didn't bother to read OP's posts.

No, OP, you are NTA. Your BIL's overreaction is a bit silly given how much a visit entails (overnight stay, dog sitter, long drives). Once a month would be way too often for me too. For everyone criticizing OP for not doing more to "save" a family relationship, maybe consider that BIL's reaction isn't exactly helpful either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have dog allergies and am fine as long as I don’t pet the dog. They aren’t all life and death. It’s even better when the dog doesn’t live in the home. BIL might just be a jerk.

+1

Yes, yes, we should assume your level of allergy to dogs is the niece’s allergy to dogs.

Are you BiL? What do you know about the niece or dog allergies?

I know the same as the people posting about how since they have mild dog allergies it’s all ok.

Whar does that have to do with this situation? Nobody knows the extent of the allergy. It may be mild for all you know as it is for many. You just hate dogs.

What are you talking about? I love my dogs but am sensitive to human needs. I am mocking the people who posted above me who think their level of allergies matter here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is pretty rude to take a dog to a cookout when someone has asked you not to do that.

And rude not to go because of this. For family. Give a high schooler $20 to check in and walk the dog.

A dog is part of a family. You get that right? People take them to brunch for effs sake. Some people like animals. others don't. But don't get made when someone says they aren't coming because you don't like their dog.

New poster.

"Don't like" is NOT the issue. Allergies are. JFC, get a grip. I love dogs and cats. I am allergic to them. Do you think I hate them because I would have to avoid gatherings, especially overnight stays, where they are present? I guess you'd say I don't like them but the reality is they make me sick, you nitwit. Do you also think people with food allergies are "just making it up because they're picky"? I suspect you do.

OP, at first, most here were responding based on the idea you referred to cookouts etc. Then you told us that these cookouts are a four-hour drive each way. That extra information helps because, yeah, it's not a great situation and you're not just leaving the dog for an afternoon, but overnight, if you go. BUT with that said -- I would still find an arrangement where you can be away from the dog overnight. Not every single time there's a casual cookout but at least some of the time, so you are not saying no no no and building up resentment. The dog will be fine (despite the PP's insistence, it's a dog, a lovely one, but not your child). Don't damage a family relationship over this by being draconian about Never Leaving The Dog. Other dog owners manage this somehow. Surely you can find a solution too, which does not involve taking the dog where it's not appropriate to take it.

And BTW, your BIL likely will cool off on the super frequent insistence on "making up for lost time," eventually. Right now it sounds like he's pushing hard for maybe too many gatherings too close together. Can you just be patient with him, accept a few select invitations without the dog, and not do others?

OP said they will board it for holidays and major family functions. Did you not read the BIL called DH an 'ahole" for not wanting to visit so often for no reason and have to leave the dog at a kennel. The issue is, BIL called the aholes for declining to visit on BIL terms.
OP never said they would never visit again or never leave the dog. Does anyone ever read the posts??

We read them, and we think OP is the assh0le, as well as any other poster who defends her, because this is really an indefensible situation.

But no worries. We can tell that OP is sock-puppeting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, for those in the back.
These take place at the IL house
It is 4 hours from OP
OP is fine leaving dog at kennel for holidays/major events
Niece is 12 and alelrgies have never been mentioned
OP offered to leave dog at IL house and go to BIL house. He said no
OP spends night sometimes, BIL doesnt

Again, for the assh0les. People before pets. If someone asks you not to bring your pet, even if it's not their house, you don't bring the bloody pet. No matter the reason!

- dog owner.

What's your problem? OP never said she would bring the dog after BIL said not to. She said they wanted to reduce the number of visits because it's a PITA, and BIL got mad. Jeezus.