Ok to just make major parental decisions solo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my husband and I have always strongly disagreed on some parenting stuff. One of the major hot topics is that one of our children, I believe has executive functioning issues, and I have wanted our child to get evaluated for many years. Husband vehemently opposed any kind of evaluation or seeking of a diagnosis. Our child is doing fine academically, so I did not push it too hard, especially seeing how opposed my husband was to the idea. So fast forward to now, and our child's IEP team suggested looking into a 504 for our child so that they would qualify for some supports in the classroom. It requires a note from the pediatrician.

Do I....
a) Just go ahead and do what's necessary to get this all in place?
b) Open up a discussion with my husband which will end up being dragged out for weeks, make me upset, and then we finally end up doing nothing because we can't agree on a decision

Op-I have an exdh like this...I'm sorry. In my experience, I would just get the dr note and let the school do their thing. The school would not have said anything to you if they weren't seeing concerns, they are trying to meet your child's needs.

Not sure where in the thread it was moved to the SN forum (good that it was though), I'll say that it is VERY common for gifted kids to be neurodiverse in some way. OP's dc could benefit from an evaluation. I have a dc who is gifted (dx through a major university's pediactric program) and also dx ASD, after a thorough neuropysch eval (and all dc's providers concur with the dx) and my exdh STILL doesn't 'agree'. But he likes the gifted dx...I'm glad I have always advocated for dc and put their needs first over exdh's ego or whatever! Please OP let your dc get the eval that the school says they need.

[Anonymous]

Oh I see it was not moved yet to the SN forum. OP, I think you'd get much better advice there.

[Anonymous]

OP, your child will not receive accommodations under a 504 plan unless there is a disability. Your child is not disabled. However, if you think your child would perform better in class if given different Sea info in the classroom, you can certainly ask for a parent/teacher conference and see if the school will allow that for your special snowflake.

[Anonymous]

Different seating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your child will not receive accommodations under a 504 plan unless there is a disability. Your child is not disabled. However, if you think your child would perform better in class if given different Sea info in the classroom, you can certainly ask for a parent/teacher conference and see if the school will allow that for your special snowflake.

OP, this is why you should post in the sn forum, because most of this is bad advice.

Please let dc get the evaluation. The school wants to do it. They don't do that for no good reason.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused, didn't your child have to have an evaluation and diagnosis to get a IEP in the first place? It sounds like one is already in place so how did that transpire?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused, didn't your child have to have an evaluation and diagnosis to get a IEP in the first place? It sounds like one is already in place so how did that transpire?

After the original post, several pages in, OP disclosed that her child has an IEP not due to a disability, but because in her state, IEPs are provided for gifted and talented children, and her child is gifted and talented. She also stated the child is doing "fine academically" in her very first post.

OP believes her child is disabled because he daydreams, sometimes forgets to hand in his homework or hands it in late, makes drawings in class, and has a messy backpack.

The school's IEP team told her she could try to get a 504 evaluation or a letter from a pediatrician. However, 504s under the 1973 Rehab law still require a diagnosed disability to receive an in school accommodation.

OP's child clearly has no recognized disability under either under IDEA or the 1973 law. All behaviors described by OP, while they may impact the child's academic performance, although apparently up to now have not, are well within the range of normal behavior.
,
In all likelihood, to the extent the child lacks some degree of motivation in school, the cause is his parent's constant and counterproductive attempts to interfere with his schooling which so far has been "fine academically," even to the extent of attempting to coerce the district into unfairly labeling the child as "special needs" or "disabled" for the purpose of extracting some sort of marginal perceived *edge" over other students, such as more time to take tests or preferential seating assignments. It is all a waste of school resources and unfair to everyone involved, most especially, unfair.to OPs own child.

[Anonymous]

It is possible to be both gifted and have some kind of disability, some of these posts make me understand why your husband might hesitate on getting an evaluation.

My kid is smart, and also has an iep because she does need some accommodations not given to the class as a rule.

I’ve noticed a few things with having an IEP. First, the school sets it up as us v. them. Everybody has been pleasant, but there is definitely a “We’re in charge, and you aren’t” attitude.

I’ve noticed too that they set low career aspirations for her, almost like now that she has a diagnosis they simply don’t expect much. Nobody has ever said this, but I can see it in the meetings.. and to be honest, I’m not really sure they know they are doing it.

They have offered accommodations that don’t make sense, I can remember one IEP meeting where they kept pushing an accommodation because one of the ladies on the school’s side of the table (and she was literally on the school’s side of the table) had a son who used it, only problem, her son had a very different disability.

Your husband is right to be skeptical. He’s right to not blindly trust what the experts tell him. He’s right to wonder what the diagnosis will mean, will you treat your son differently in a way that may harm him.. he doesn’t have to clean up, he has (fill in whatever diagnosis).

You paint your husband as what I’d call a “typicl redneck” they get an idea in their head and nothing can shake it. Maybe he is.

It’s also possible he’s got some real concerns about the process and what comes next. He also may have some experience in his past you may be unaware of which is making him upset.

I worked with a lady who rode the special ed bus when she went to school. She had asthma. Today a kid with asthma would ride the regular bus, but that wasn’t done when she was in school. She truly hated the special ed bus. Just being on it got people to think she was what used to be called mentally retarded. I’m sure there were other things that upset her too, not being able to wait for the bus with her friends, perhaps being treated like she was stupid, things that are huge when you are a kid, and which are difficult to explain to an adult. She was in her fifties, hadn’t ridden the short bus in decades and it still upset her. She once told me “I hate seeing those busses on the road, I’ll quit my job and drive my kid to and from school if school wanted him to ride that bus, he can ride a regular school bus, but I won’t have him ride the short bus”. I believe she meant it.

Given your husband’s and your past disagreements, he may feel that he’ll be ignored about what he wants for his son. Could he be more right then you want to admit? The fact that you’re thinking of just excluding him makes me wonder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is possible to be both gifted and have some kind of disability, some of these posts make me understand why your husband might hesitate on getting an evaluation.

My kid is smart, and also has an iep because she does need some accommodations not given to the class as a rule.

I’ve noticed a few things with having an IEP. First, the school sets it up as us v. them. Everybody has been pleasant, but there is definitely a “We’re in charge, and you aren’t” attitude.

I’ve noticed too that they set low career aspirations for her, almost like now that she has a diagnosis they simply don’t expect much. Nobody has ever said this, but I can see it in the meetings.. and to be honest, I’m not really sure they know they are doing it.

They have offered accommodations that don’t make sense, I can remember one IEP meeting where they kept pushing an accommodation because one of the ladies on the school’s side of the table (and she was literally on the school’s side of the table) had a son who used it, only problem, her son had a very different disability.

Your husband is right to be skeptical. He’s right to not blindly trust what the experts tell him. He’s right to wonder what the diagnosis will mean, will you treat your son differently in a way that may harm him.. he doesn’t have to clean up, he has (fill in whatever diagnosis).

You paint your husband as what I’d call a “typicl redneck” they get an idea in their head and nothing can shake it. Maybe he is.

It’s also possible he’s got some real concerns about the process and what comes next. He also may have some experience in his past you may be unaware of which is making him upset.

I worked with a lady who rode the special ed bus when she went to school. She had asthma. Today a kid with asthma would ride the regular bus, but that wasn’t done when she was in school. She truly hated the special ed bus. Just being on it got people to think she was what used to be called mentally retarded. I’m sure there were other things that upset her too, not being able to wait for the bus with her friends, perhaps being treated like she was stupid, things that are huge when you are a kid, and which are difficult to explain to an adult. She was in her fifties, hadn’t ridden the short bus in decades and it still upset her. She once told me “I hate seeing those busses on the road, I’ll quit my job and drive my kid to and from school if school wanted him to ride that bus, he can ride a regular school bus, but I won’t have him ride the short bus”. I believe she meant it.

Given your husband’s and your past disagreements, he may feel that he’ll be ignored about what he wants for his son. Could he be more right then you want to admit? The fact that you’re thinking of just excluding him makes me wonder.

To be honest, I am shifting gears as we speak. The more I am learning more about a 504 would really do for our child, the more I'm questioning whether it is the right fit for our child. Also your post really gave me some pause. You bring up a lot of the same concerns my husband had about the destructiveness of a label. He thinks it would be harmful for our child to identify with a label.

And to be clear, the school did not say we should get a 504. We had our end of trimester scheduled meeting, and their exact words: "you should look into a 504 and see if you think that might be beneficial for your child as he goes into middle school". And when I asked what that means exactly, they explained that it would provide for certain accommodations that are typically provided for children with ADD or ADHD, but that you don't need a diagnosis, you just need to show that those accommodations would be beneficial.

And my husband a redneck? No. Like I said in an earlier post, he is very smart, gifted, and was valedictorian and I think very much sees himself in our child. I did bring up the idea of having an evaluation done a year ago, but he was against it and we have not pursued that path.

And after our discussion last night, he does not seem opposed to the 504, if all that is required is a doctor's note, so I guess our disagreement is now a moot point. Now I'm just trying to make a decision as to whether that's the right path for our child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This wasn't posted on the special needs.forum because it's really not about the child at all. It's about ops wish to use the dispute over the child as leverage in her ongoing battle with her husband. She indicates as much in her first post. If she really thought this was a special needs.child that's where she would have posted it.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused, didn't your child have to have an evaluation and diagnosis to get a IEP in the first place? It sounds like one is already in place so how did that transpire?

After the original post, several pages in, OP disclosed that her child has an IEP not due to a disability, but because in her state, IEPs are provided for gifted and talented children, and her child is gifted and talented. She also stated the child is doing "fine academically" in her very first post.

OP believes her child is disabled because he daydreams, sometimes forgets to hand in his homework or hands it in late, makes drawings in class, and has a messy backpack.

The school's IEP team told her she could try to get a 504 evaluation or a letter from a pediatrician. However, 504s under the 1973 Rehab law still require a diagnosed disability to receive an in school accommodation.

OP's child clearly has no recognized disability under either under IDEA or the 1973 law. All behaviors described by OP, while they may impact the child's academic performance, although apparently up to now have not, are well within the range of normal behavior.
,
In all likelihood, to the extent the child lacks some degree of motivation in school, the cause is his parent's constant and counterproductive attempts to interfere with his schooling which so far has been "fine academically," even to the extent of attempting to coerce the district into unfairly labeling the child as "special needs" or "disabled" for the purpose of extracting some sort of marginal perceived *edge" over other students, such as more time to take tests or preferential seating assignments. It is all a waste of school resources and unfair to everyone involved, most especially, unfair.to OPs own child.

Hey. So I can see this topic hits too close to home for you. Maybe it's a family member, or maybe it's even your own child and you are fighting with your own spouse. But can you just cool it with your attacks? You keep telling my story with some other unrelated story that isn't mine. And accusing me of having Munchausen by proxy, trying to coerce the district to label my child as disabled. I'm not sure where you got any of that out of what I shared. I'm sorry for whatever you had to experience. But stop projecting that onto my scenario and move on.

[Anonymous]

To qualify under 504, a student must be identified with an impairment that substantially affects a major life activity. So, someone with ADHD or even something like an allergy to peanuts could qualify. Or, a student with say an anxiety disorder. That's probably why you were told to get a note from a pediatrician.

It sounds like they were assuming your kid's pediatrician had possibly already diagnosed an impairment of some kind and they just wanted the pediatrician to confirm that.

The problem is most pediatricians aren't going to be able to diagnose more complex cognitive disorders assuming there is one to be found. You would need to find a psychologist who specializes in special education issues and knows what lingo to include in the diagnosis that would trigger the school's legal obligation to provide and accommodation.

I think someone said you are entitled to a free psych eval paid for by the school so you could try that.

But frankly have you considered another approach such as paying for a private tutor to coach your kid on making improvements in deficiencies such as organization and time management skills? You probably would have to self pay for that but you would have complete control over the services and who was providing them, unlike the hassles if working with a child study team, who would probably regard you as an annoyance rather than a valued customer. Plus totally avoiding any possible labeling stigma which might subtly impact your child in various ways down the road. A label like that might prove hard to shake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To qualify under 504, a student must be identified with an impairment that substantially affects a major life activity. So, someone with ADHD or even something like an allergy to peanuts could qualify. Or, a student with say an anxiety disorder. That's probably why you were told to get a note from a pediatrician.

It sounds like they were assuming your kid's pediatrician had possibly already diagnosed an impairment of some kind and they just wanted the pediatrician to confirm that.

The problem is most pediatricians aren't going to be able to diagnose more complex cognitive disorders assuming there is one to be found. You would need to find a psychologist who specializes in special education issues and knows what lingo to include in the diagnosis that would trigger the school's legal obligation to provide and accommodation.

I think someone said you are entitled to a free psych eval paid for by the school so you could try that.

But frankly have you considered another approach such as paying for a private tutor to coach your kid on making improvements in deficiencies such as organization and time management skills? You probably would have to self pay for that but you would have complete control over the services and who was providing them, unlike the hassles if working with a child study team, who would probably regard you as an annoyance rather than a valued customer. Plus totally avoiding any possible labeling stigma which might subtly impact your child in various ways down the road. A label like that might prove hard to shake.

Yes, that is exactly what I am considering, in lieu of a 504. I brought it up with my husband last night as well. I think in terms of what a 504 would provide vs. an executive functioning tutor, the latter might be more beneficial to our child.

The both of us were also confused about the whole note from our pediatrician requirement. Our pediatrician knows nothing about our child's work and study habits and has never asked about those things either. So it doesn't really make sense to us why that's what is required.

[Anonymous]

To answer the original question, no, it is never "O.K." to make major child raising decisions "solo" simply because you and spouse disagree about an issue. It signifies a communication issue between the parents which needs to be addressed.

A second issue which needs to be addressed, beyond poor communications between the parents, is the internal attitude of a parent who would even contemplate making a unilateral decision like this. This is assuming the other parent wasn't impaired in some way or absent and the need for a decision was immediate.

When making major decisions for a child, or anyone including yourself, a parent has an obligation to do a lot more homework on the issue before jumping to the conclusion that the other parent is wrong or that there is no room for a legitimate disagreement or even a way to find a compromise of some kind.

This is just simultaneously both too rigid, yet too impulsive, a way to handle these issues

It's obvious from the thread that OP didn't do nearly enough homework on special ed issues before jumping to the conclusion that she was "right" and her husband was wrong. Once she calmed down, actually took the time to learn something, and actually discussed things with her husband surprise surprise it looks like the disagreement was all in OPs own head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To answer the original question, no, it is never "O.K." to make major child raising decisions "solo" simply because you and spouse disagree about an issue. It signifies a communication issue between the parents which needs to be addressed.

A second issue which needs to be addressed, beyond poor communications between the parents, is the internal attitude of a parent who would even contemplate making a unilateral decision like this. This is assuming the other parent wasn't impaired in some way or absent and the need for a decision was immediate.

When making major decisions for a child, or anyone including yourself, a parent has an obligation to do a lot more homework on the issue before jumping to the conclusion that the other parent is wrong or that there is no room for a legitimate disagreement or even a way to find a compromise of some kind.

This is just simultaneously both too rigid, yet too impulsive, a way to handle these issues

It's obvious from the thread that OP didn't do nearly enough homework on special ed issues before jumping to the conclusion that she was "right" and her husband was wrong. Once she calmed down, actually took the time to learn something, and actually discussed things with her husband surprise surprise it looks like the disagreement was all in OPs own head.

I admit I did not do enough homework on the 504. I think I was just emotional that a) someone from the school expressed pretty much exactly all of my observations and concerns and b) was suggesting to us in a meeting that we look into some kind of formal support for them and c) my husband was actually present at that meeting

However, I've been doing homework on the general issues for years. And I have been trying to support our child by doing my own research and providing the structure, tools, and skills that are helpful for children with the same issues. This year has been particularly helpful because of our child's current teacher who seems very experienced and has been slowly working on improving those problem areas like organization and focus and time management. I am just eager to have someone to partner with who is more knowledgeable and skilled than I am in helping our child with those problem areas.

Maybe I own part of the communication issue. But my husband does too. I feel he gets very defensive without having done any of the research and pretty much puts his foot down without even knowing or understanding all the issues.