Ok to just make major parental decisions solo?

[Anonymous]

So, if your spouse is uncooperative and doesn't know the issues, that means you have to do more of the homework, not less. And you have to figure out a better communications style rather than adversarial. Once you decided to become less adversarial and took a more holistic view of the entire situation, your husband seemed more willing to listen and compromise. If your husband is easy to communicate with, it's easier. If he's harder to communicate with, that means you have to put more effort into effective communications, not less. As the courts say the objective is the best interests of the child. Not who is right and who is wrong. So the entire way the problem was phrased in the op was reflective of a misunderstanding of it.

OP has stated that this conflict with her spouse has been on going for a long time. OP, maybe now would be a good time for you to take a long hard look in a mirror and think about your overall approach to communications and problem solving in a marriage. You probably use approaches out of habit that you picked up from your own parents as a child but never consciously thought about is this really the best way of handling these kinds of things. Or if your profession is a lawyer or something with a lot of conflict and arguing, you may be bringing approaches to these discussions that are fine in a professional context but less than optimal for resolving family stuff.

[Anonymous]

Also your expectations of what level of instruction can be expected to be taught in public schools is unrealistically high. Public schools are simply not designed or equipped to instruct students in highly complex higher order cognitive skills such as time management or organization. Public schools for the most part to the extent they can teach anything, teach rote learning of basic subject matter areas and mechanical tasks. The deficiencies you see in your child are not cognitive deficits. They are a deficiency in learned skills which he never properly learned in schools for the very simple reason that the public schools don't teach them, except perhaps at the most simplistic behavioral levels i.e. if.youre late for class or miss an assignment you get detention..

Most of the teachers in most public schools, even good ones, have no ability nor interest in teaching students these complex skills. I guess they would rather spend the time on things like critical race theory or why gifted and talented programs should be defunded because they are inherently and systemically racist.

Teachers who automatically tell parents that the reason their child is underperforming MUST BE because there is something "wrong" with the student, and not what is being taught or with the classroom environment, are making excuses for their own deficiencies as educators and for the system overall.

It.kind of sounds like that may be the con job your school is.trying to pull on you. Wouldn't be the first time, won't be the last. You were fortunate to find at.keast.one teacher interested in actually helping your gifted and talented (not disabled) child achieve success given the inherently crappy nature of our public school system and most of its teachers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also your expectations of what level of instruction can be expected to be taught in public schools is unrealistically high. Public schools are simply not designed or equipped to instruct students in highly complex higher order cognitive skills such as time management or organization. Public schools for the most part to the extent they can teach anything, teach rote learning of basic subject matter areas and mechanical tasks. The deficiencies you see in your child are not cognitive deficits. They are a deficiency in learned skills which he never properly learned in schools for the very simple reason that the public schools don't teach them, except perhaps at the most simplistic behavioral levels i.e. if.youre late for class or miss an assignment you get detention..

Most of the teachers in most public schools, even good ones, have no ability nor interest in teaching students these complex skills. I guess they would rather spend the time on things like critical race theory or why gifted and talented programs should be defunded because they are inherently and systemically racist.

Teachers who automatically tell parents that the reason their child is underperforming MUST BE because there is something "wrong" with the student, and not what is being taught or with the classroom environment, are making excuses for their own deficiencies as educators and for the system overall.

It.kind of sounds like that may be the con job your school is.trying to pull on you. Wouldn't be the first time, won't be the last. You were fortunate to find at.keast.one teacher interested in actually helping your gifted and talented (not disabled) child achieve success given the inherently crappy nature of our public school system and most of its teachers.

You’re pretty much right on point with everything you mentioned, including the communication issues. Sometimes we can both be stubborn and adversarial. As for the school, I don’t expect a traditional school system will ever be the “perfect” fit for our child, but I will settle for what I can do to make it “good enough”. It makes me a little sad to know that my child will spend so many hours and years of his life in an environment that he clearly does not care for or enjoy and merely tolerates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP being vague is not going to improve the communications issues with your spouse. What does "executive functioning issues" actually mean? It's a nonsense phrase that is so diffuse as to be meaningless. What specific skills or tasks or abilities do you feel your son to be deficient in respect to? What specific deficits we're identified by the IEP team and written up under 504? Example, the student is in a wheelchair and needs extra time to get from class to class as an accomodation. The child is dyslexic and needs extra time to complete times examinations. A 504 suggests some deficit was identified which does not rise to the level of a disability but does warrant some in school accomodation. I'm sure it doesn't say "the mother thinks the child child has executive functioning issues" in the IEP. There has to be more and it has to be much more specific of you want to die on this hill.

It is not “meaningless” just because you cannot or choose not to understand it. Actual experts know what it means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP being vague is not going to improve the communications issues with your spouse. What does "executive functioning issues" actually mean? It's a nonsense phrase that is so diffuse as to be meaningless. What specific skills or tasks or abilities do you feel your son to be deficient in respect to? What specific deficits we're identified by the IEP team and written up under 504? Example, the student is in a wheelchair and needs extra time to get from class to class as an accomodation. The child is dyslexic and needs extra time to complete times examinations. A 504 suggests some deficit was identified which does not rise to the level of a disability but does warrant some in school accomodation. I'm sure it doesn't say "the mother thinks the child child has executive functioning issues" in the IEP. There has to be more and it has to be much more specific of you want to die on this hill.

By executive functioning issues, I mean organization, planning, time management, and attention issues. Our child has an IEP for a gifted program. No 504 yet. The issues I mentioned were brought up by several different teachers over the years, and in particular, by the teacher of the gifted program, and written up in the IEP as well.

But OP, you still haven't explain in a specific fashion what you believe are your child's supposed deficits in "organization, planning, time management, and attention issues." Apparently he's not only above average as a student, he's gifted. Just because he doesn't study as hard as you want him to study, doesn't do the things you want the way you want him to do them, and perhaps isn't neurotically obsessed with being valedictorian doesn't mean he has any deficits in any of those still vague areas.

Wanting to play video games and getting Bs and C's instead of straight As doesn't mean he has any deficits in any of the areas you listed. Half assing his school work and extra curriculars doesn't mean that either even if you are a tiger mom and want him to aspire to Harvard Medical School. It just means he doesn't share your priorities.

When a parent falsely believes their child has a non existent deficit to the point of wanting authorities to officially label it, that's a form of munchausen by proxy.

OP, it actually sounds like you are.more in need of an evaluation of some kind then your child is.

Wow. How laughable. If you were a qualified, competent professional, you’d know nothing you just spewed can be diagnosed by reading a post on the internet. Take several seats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just do it and say that the ped and school recommended it. Just because you get an evaluation doesn't mean they're dooming your kid to ritalin for life.

I'm guessing her DH is worried about social stigma.

Doubt it. My DH is against ADHD labeling and medication because he thinks it's bogus. He's not worried at all about social stigma, especially since he thinks everyone qualifies. He also doesn't like the H in ADHD. Sigh. I've had the same discussions as OP. I see it in my DH and in my DD. DD is quiet, makes excellent grades but her mind wanders and she can't follow directions or pay attention well.

Not all kids with ADD are physically hyperactive. This is especially true in girls. Your DH is full of crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP being vague is not going to improve the communications issues with your spouse. What does "executive functioning issues" actually mean? It's a nonsense phrase that is so diffuse as to be meaningless. What specific skills or tasks or abilities do you feel your son to be deficient in respect to? What specific deficits we're identified by the IEP team and written up under 504? Example, the student is in a wheelchair and needs extra time to get from class to class as an accomodation. The child is dyslexic and needs extra time to complete times examinations. A 504 suggests some deficit was identified which does not rise to the level of a disability but does warrant some in school accomodation. I'm sure it doesn't say "the mother thinks the child child has executive functioning issues" in the IEP. There has to be more and it has to be much more specific of you want to die on this hill.

By executive functioning issues, I mean organization, planning, time management, and attention issues. Our child has an IEP for a gifted program. No 504 yet. The issues I mentioned were brought up by several different teachers over the years, and in particular, by the teacher of the gifted program, and written up in the IEP as well.

But OP, you still haven't explain in a specific fashion what you believe are your child's supposed deficits in "organization, planning, time management, and attention issues." Apparently he's not only above average as a student, he's gifted. Just because he doesn't study as hard as you want him to study, doesn't do the things you want the way you want him to do them, and perhaps isn't neurotically obsessed with being valedictorian doesn't mean he has any deficits in any of those still vague areas.

Wanting to play video games and getting Bs and C's instead of straight As doesn't mean he has any deficits in any of the areas you listed. Half assing his school work and extra curriculars doesn't mean that either even if you are a tiger mom and want him to aspire to Harvard Medical School. It just means he doesn't share your priorities.

When a parent falsely believes their child has a non existent deficit to the point of wanting authorities to officially label it, that's a form of munchausen by proxy.

OP, it actually sounds like you are.more in need of an evaluation of some kind then your child is.

Wow, what? These are issues that have also been brought up by his IEP team, and they have voiced concerns about them becoming issues as the grade levels get higher and the work more complex. It hasn't been much of an issue up to this point, because there is a lot of hand-holding at the lower grade levels for things like remembering to bring your homework home, or staying on task at school, and it also helps that our child is advanced academically.

If you want specifics, these are the things he struggles with and teachers have commented on:
- Forgetting to turn in assignment after completing it
- Forgetting to bring home homework
- Not starting on a long term project until a few days before
- Taking 10x longer to finish homework than his peers (who are not in the gifted program)
- Needing the teacher to constantly bring his focus back into the classroom
- Not finishing assignments on time
- Not finishing in-class tasks in the time allotted because of distraction or lack of focus
- A very messy, unorganized desk and backpack
- Daydreaming, drawing, playing with a zipper, playing with a lint ball during class time instead of participating

God forbid the child is daydreaming and drawing in school. Sounds like he is bored and probably has an over controlling parent and a teacher who is so afraid of parents like yourself that the teacher is unable to impose appropriate consequences such as setting and enforcing real consequences. Such as, homework turned in late gets graded as a zero. You haven't described a.child with any cognitive deficits at all but rather a typical child well within the range of normality. A normal kid.means that to a great extent he just is half assing it a lot.of.the time because he has an over controllling parent and typical very boring rote school work.

The very best.thing you could do for this child is to leave him, his teacher, the school district,. ALONE. Find something else to do with your time. Get a.job or a hobby. Let your child sucelceed or fail on his own merits and without your constant interference.

Your spouse is absolutely right.

No.

[Anonymous]

OP, and everyone else who agrees with the OP: the person who is arguing with you is one person. If you look at the posts you will see a very obvious communication style. Don’t worry about this one person who seems to have some kind of anti-ADHD agenda.

OP, to answer your question, I was in your exact shoes as are many women. I went ahead and got the evaluation, and I medicated our son against my husbands wishes. I did it because my son was suffering and he wanted the medication. Fast forward 15 years later, my husband is the first person who will tell you that I saved my son. Do what you have to do for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, and everyone else who agrees with the OP: the person who is arguing with you is one person. If you look at the posts you will see a very obvious communication style. Don’t worry about this one person who seems to have some kind of anti-ADHD agenda.

OP, to answer your question, I was in your exact shoes as are many women. I went ahead and got the evaluation, and I medicated our son against my husbands wishes. I did it because my son was suffering and he wanted the medication. Fast forward 15 years later, my husband is the first person who will tell you that I saved my son. Do what you have to do for your child.

Wow I thought only a.licemsed physician could medicate a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, and everyone else who agrees with the OP: the person who is arguing with you is one person. If you look at the posts you will see a very obvious communication style. Don’t worry about this one person who seems to have some kind of anti-ADHD agenda.

OP, to answer your question, I was in your exact shoes as are many women. I went ahead and got the evaluation, and I medicated our son against my husbands wishes. I did it because my son was suffering and he wanted the medication. Fast forward 15 years later, my husband is the first person who will tell you that I saved my son. Do what you have to do for your child.

Wow I thought only a.licemsed physician could medicate a child.

And you’ve done it again. We see that you are the same person, definitely a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your specific list is exactly what basically most really smart kids do, especially if the material isn't challenging.

Well, I was a high school valedictorian, college valedictorian, and did well in my Ivy grad program...I still work like this. It's more of a certain kind of thinker than a disability. Have you read up on things like DISC profiles, etc.? Your son sounds really gifted but just a different profile than teachers tend to want.

FWIW, I was bored in grad school so I took all my notes in rhyme -- for years.

Gifted children can also have ADHD. Children with ADHD can perform quite well in school - in fact, those children are the ones hardest to diagnose.

[Anonymous]

IMO this kind of conflict lends itself to a “defer to the expert” type of conversation - aka, have a sit down with the pediatrician to discuss the concerns so both parents and how to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, and everyone else who agrees with the OP: the person who is arguing with you is one person. If you look at the posts you will see a very obvious communication style. Don’t worry about this one person who seems to have some kind of anti-ADHD agenda.

OP, to answer your question, I was in your exact shoes as are many women. I went ahead and got the evaluation, and I medicated our son against my husbands wishes. I did it because my son was suffering and he wanted the medication. Fast forward 15 years later, my husband is the first person who will tell you that I saved my son. Do what you have to do for your child.

Wow I thought only a.licemsed physician could medicate a child.

And you’ve done it again. We see that you are the same person, definitely a kid.

PP, you conveniently omitted how your son feels about having been "medicated" against his wishes. I suppose given their were plenty of quacks willing to write scrips for oxycontin, you probably didn't have much trouble finding similar to prescribe Ritalin for your son. So, how did and does your son feel about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your specific list is exactly what basically most really smart kids do, especially if the material isn't challenging.

Well, I was a high school valedictorian, college valedictorian, and did well in my Ivy grad program...I still work like this. It's more of a certain kind of thinker than a disability. Have you read up on things like DISC profiles, etc.? Your son sounds really gifted but just a different profile than teachers tend to want.

FWIW, I was bored in grad school so I took all my notes in rhyme -- for years.

Gifted children can also have ADHD. Children with ADHD can perform quite well in school - in fact, those children are the ones hardest to diagnose.

OPs son doesn't have ADHD. OPs son doesn't have any disability or other diagnosis. So why are you talking about ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMO this kind of conflict lends itself to a “defer to the expert” type of conversation - aka, have a sit down with the pediatrician to discuss the concerns so both parents and how to move forward.

OPs son is gifted.and.talented and obviously bored in class because the material is not challenging enough for him. One of the teachers apparently suggested that OP get a diagnosis and drug her child rather than improve the level of instruction and the classroom environment.

Crappy boring schools and incompetent lazy teachers who lack the ability or interest to instruct exceptional students is not a reason to slap a label on the child to justify chemically lobotomizing that child to make things easier for the lazy incompetent teachers.

The solution isn't drugging children, it's getting better teachers