Ok to just make major parental decisions solo?

[Anonymous]

So my husband and I have always strongly disagreed on some parenting stuff. One of the major hot topics is that one of our children, I believe has executive functioning issues, and I have wanted our child to get evaluated for many years. Husband vehemently opposed any kind of evaluation or seeking of a diagnosis. Our child is doing fine academically, so I did not push it too hard, especially seeing how opposed my husband was to the idea. So fast forward to now, and our child's IEP team suggested looking into a 504 for our child so that they would qualify for some supports in the classroom. It requires a note from the pediatrician.

Do I....
a) Just go ahead and do what's necessary to get this all in place?
b) Open up a discussion with my husband which will end up being dragged out for weeks, make me upset, and then we finally end up doing nothing because we can't agree on a decision

[Anonymous]

I'd get that note from the pediatrician--there's no harm in getting that. Your kid only has one shot at life.

[Anonymous]

Yep, I would just do it.

[Anonymous]

My cousin vaccinated his kid (MMR) without his wife's knowledge... It was a very tough but correct decision. They had gone down the joint debate road many times and at one point he'd just had it.

Be prepared for the fallout though. Will that be worth not having discussed it first?

I would probably just tell my husband I was doing this so as not to go behind his back but only you know your situation (and I'm speaking hypothetically).

[Anonymous]

I would just do it and say that the ped and school recommended it. Just because you get an evaluation doesn't mean they're dooming your kid to ritalin for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just do it and say that the ped and school recommended it. Just because you get an evaluation doesn't mean they're dooming your kid to ritalin for life.

I'm guessing her DH is worried about social stigma.

[Anonymous]

You have to make that decision for yourself. People here would say yes because they agree with the action you want to take (FWIW, I agree with the action also, but I’m looking at the question you posed as a relationship question).
If you were trying to do something that the other parent opposed but it was NOT a DCUM-approved action, you’d get a different response.

So I think you should weigh the benefit you believe you will achieve against the potential harm to your relationship when your spouse finds out you went behind his back and proceed accordingly. Also think about whether the harm to the relationship, if any, could also have a negative effect on the kid.

[Anonymous]

OP being vague is not going to improve the communications issues with your spouse. What does "executive functioning issues" actually mean? It's a nonsense phrase that is so diffuse as to be meaningless. What specific skills or tasks or abilities do you feel your son to be deficient in respect to? What specific deficits we're identified by the IEP team and written up under 504? Example, the student is in a wheelchair and needs extra time to get from class to class as an accomodation. The child is dyslexic and needs extra time to complete times examinations. A 504 suggests some deficit was identified which does not rise to the level of a disability but does warrant some in school accomodation. I'm sure it doesn't say "the mother thinks the child child has executive functioning issues" in the IEP. There has to be more and it has to be much more specific of you want to die on this hill.

[Anonymous]

OP - FYI, I tried to do this and the evaluator (neuropsych) required both parents consent to the evaluation. My DH would not. I would ask about this before you move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP being vague is not going to improve the communications issues with your spouse. What does "executive functioning issues" actually mean? It's a nonsense phrase that is so diffuse as to be meaningless. What specific skills or tasks or abilities do you feel your son to be deficient in respect to? What specific deficits we're identified by the IEP team and written up under 504? Example, the student is in a wheelchair and needs extra time to get from class to class as an accomodation. The child is dyslexic and needs extra time to complete times examinations. A 504 suggests some deficit was identified which does not rise to the level of a disability but does warrant some in school accomodation. I'm sure it doesn't say "the mother thinks the child child has executive functioning issues" in the IEP. There has to be more and it has to be much more specific of you want to die on this hill.

By executive functioning issues, I mean organization, planning, time management, and attention issues. Our child has an IEP for a gifted program. No 504 yet. The issues I mentioned were brought up by several different teachers over the years, and in particular, by the teacher of the gifted program, and written up in the IEP as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - FYI, I tried to do this and the evaluator (neuropsych) required both parents consent to the evaluation. My DH would not. I would ask about this before you move forward.

Good to know, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need a 504? If the teachers are noticing it, can you just add executive organizational goals to the IEP?

We have these types of goals in my child's IEP.

I've never heard of having an IEP AND a 504. Usually it's one or the other, depending on what is needed to support the child. IEPs can encompass accommodations but 504s cannot include specialized instruction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to make that decision for yourself. People here would say yes because they agree with the action you want to take (FWIW, I agree with the action also, but I’m looking at the question you posed as a relationship question).
If you were trying to do something that the other parent opposed but it was NOT a DCUM-approved action, you’d get a different response.

So I think you should weigh the benefit you believe you will achieve against the potential harm to your relationship when your spouse finds out you went behind his back and proceed accordingly. Also think about whether the harm to the relationship, if any, could also have a negative effect on the kid.

Yeah, I think deep down I know I have to discuss with my husband otherwise there will be a huge blowup, and major consequences. I am just so tired of arguing the point, and I guess I am just looking for a green light to just do what I think I need to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need a 504? If the teachers are noticing it, can you just add executive organizational goals to the IEP?

We have these types of goals in my child's IEP.

I've never heard of having an IEP AND a 504. Usually it's one or the other, depending on what is needed to support the child. IEPs can encompass accommodations but 504s cannot include specialized instruction.

From what I know, the 504 is for certain in-classroom accommodations, like preferential seating, note-taking support, distraction-free areas, and I'm not sure what else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP being vague is not going to improve the communications issues with your spouse. What does "executive functioning issues" actually mean? It's a nonsense phrase that is so diffuse as to be meaningless. What specific skills or tasks or abilities do you feel your son to be deficient in respect to? What specific deficits we're identified by the IEP team and written up under 504? Example, the student is in a wheelchair and needs extra time to get from class to class as an accomodation. The child is dyslexic and needs extra time to complete times examinations. A 504 suggests some deficit was identified which does not rise to the level of a disability but does warrant some in school accomodation. I'm sure it doesn't say "the mother thinks the child child has executive functioning issues" in the IEP. There has to be more and it has to be much more specific of you want to die on this hill.

By executive functioning issues, I mean organization, planning, time management, and attention issues. Our child has an IEP for a gifted program. No 504 yet. The issues I mentioned were brought up by several different teachers over the years, and in particular, by the teacher of the gifted program, and written up in the IEP as well.

But OP, you still haven't explain in a specific fashion what you believe are your child's supposed deficits in "organization, planning, time management, and attention issues." Apparently he's not only above average as a student, he's gifted. Just because he doesn't study as hard as you want him to study, doesn't do the things you want the way you want him to do them, and perhaps isn't neurotically obsessed with being valedictorian doesn't mean he has any deficits in any of those still vague areas.

Wanting to play video games and getting Bs and C's instead of straight As doesn't mean he has any deficits in any of the areas you listed. Half assing his school work and extra curriculars doesn't mean that either even if you are a tiger mom and want him to aspire to Harvard Medical School. It just means he doesn't share your priorities.

When a parent falsely believes their child has a non existent deficit to the point of wanting authorities to officially label it, that's a form of munchausen by proxy.

OP, it actually sounds like you are.more in need of an evaluation of some kind then your child is.