Ok to just make major parental decisions solo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just do it and say that the ped and school recommended it. Just because you get an evaluation doesn't mean they're dooming your kid to ritalin for life.

I'm guessing her DH is worried about social stigma.

Doubt it. My DH is against ADHD labeling and medication because he thinks it's bogus. He's not worried at all about social stigma, especially since he thinks everyone qualifies. He also doesn't like the H in ADHD. Sigh. I've had the same discussions as OP. I see it in my DH and in my DD. DD is quiet, makes excellent grades but her mind wanders and she can't follow directions or pay attention well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP being vague is not going to improve the communications issues with your spouse. What does "executive functioning issues" actually mean? It's a nonsense phrase that is so diffuse as to be meaningless. What specific skills or tasks or abilities do you feel your son to be deficient in respect to? What specific deficits we're identified by the IEP team and written up under 504? Example, the student is in a wheelchair and needs extra time to get from class to class as an accomodation. The child is dyslexic and needs extra time to complete times examinations. A 504 suggests some deficit was identified which does not rise to the level of a disability but does warrant some in school accomodation. I'm sure it doesn't say "the mother thinks the child child has executive functioning issues" in the IEP. There has to be more and it has to be much more specific of you want to die on this hill.

By executive functioning issues, I mean organization, planning, time management, and attention issues. Our child has an IEP for a gifted program. No 504 yet. The issues I mentioned were brought up by several different teachers over the years, and in particular, by the teacher of the gifted program, and written up in the IEP as well.

But OP, you still haven't explain in a specific fashion what you believe are your child's supposed deficits in "organization, planning, time management, and attention issues." Apparently he's not only above average as a student, he's gifted. Just because he doesn't study as hard as you want him to study, doesn't do the things you want the way you want him to do them, and perhaps isn't neurotically obsessed with being valedictorian doesn't mean he has any deficits in any of those still vague areas.

Wanting to play video games and getting Bs and C's instead of straight As doesn't mean he has any deficits in any of the areas you listed. Half assing his school work and extra curriculars doesn't mean that either even if you are a tiger mom and want him to aspire to Harvard Medical School. It just means he doesn't share your priorities.

When a parent falsely believes their child has a non existent deficit to the point of wanting authorities to officially label it, that's a form of munchausen by proxy.

OP, it actually sounds like you are.more in need of an evaluation of some kind then your child is.

Wow, what? These are issues that have also been brought up by his IEP team, and they have voiced concerns about them becoming issues as the grade levels get higher and the work more complex. It hasn't been much of an issue up to this point, because there is a lot of hand-holding at the lower grade levels for things like remembering to bring your homework home, or staying on task at school, and it also helps that our child is advanced academically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP being vague is not going to improve the communications issues with your spouse. What does "executive functioning issues" actually mean? It's a nonsense phrase that is so diffuse as to be meaningless. What specific skills or tasks or abilities do you feel your son to be deficient in respect to? What specific deficits we're identified by the IEP team and written up under 504? Example, the student is in a wheelchair and needs extra time to get from class to class as an accomodation. The child is dyslexic and needs extra time to complete times examinations. A 504 suggests some deficit was identified which does not rise to the level of a disability but does warrant some in school accomodation. I'm sure it doesn't say "the mother thinks the child child has executive functioning issues" in the IEP. There has to be more and it has to be much more specific of you want to die on this hill.

By executive functioning issues, I mean organization, planning, time management, and attention issues. Our child has an IEP for a gifted program. No 504 yet. The issues I mentioned were brought up by several different teachers over the years, and in particular, by the teacher of the gifted program, and written up in the IEP as well.

But OP, you still haven't explain in a specific fashion what you believe are your child's supposed deficits in "organization, planning, time management, and attention issues." Apparently he's not only above average as a student, he's gifted. Just because he doesn't study as hard as you want him to study, doesn't do the things you want the way you want him to do them, and perhaps isn't neurotically obsessed with being valedictorian doesn't mean he has any deficits in any of those still vague areas.

Wanting to play video games and getting Bs and C's instead of straight As doesn't mean he has any deficits in any of the areas you listed. Half assing his school work and extra curriculars doesn't mean that either even if you are a tiger mom and want him to aspire to Harvard Medical School. It just means he doesn't share your priorities.

When a parent falsely believes their child has a non existent deficit to the point of wanting authorities to officially label it, that's a form of munchausen by proxy.

OP, it actually sounds like you are.more in need of an evaluation of some kind then your child is.

Wow, what? These are issues that have also been brought up by his IEP team, and they have voiced concerns about them becoming issues as the grade levels get higher and the work more complex. It hasn't been much of an issue up to this point, because there is a lot of hand-holding at the lower grade levels for things like remembering to bring your homework home, or staying on task at school, and it also helps that our child is advanced academically.

If you want specifics, these are the things he struggles with and teachers have commented on:
- Forgetting to turn in assignment after completing it
- Forgetting to bring home homework
- Not starting on a long term project until a few days before
- Taking 10x longer to finish homework than his peers (who are not in the gifted program)
- Needing the teacher to constantly bring his focus back into the classroom
- Not finishing assignments on time
- Not finishing in-class tasks in the time allotted because of distraction or lack of focus
- A very messy, unorganized desk and backpack
- Daydreaming, drawing, playing with a zipper, playing with a lint ball during class time instead of participating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need a 504? If the teachers are noticing it, can you just add executive organizational goals to the IEP?

We have these types of goals in my child's IEP.

I've never heard of having an IEP AND a 504. Usually it's one or the other, depending on what is needed to support the child. IEPs can encompass accommodations but 504s cannot include specialized instruction.

From what I know, the 504 is for certain in-classroom accommodations, like preferential seating, note-taking support, distraction-free areas, and I'm not sure what else.

These are in my child's IEP, every single one of them (although tbh the note-taking support has not been done very well). You don't need a separate 504 for these accommodations.

[Anonymous]

If you are able to I would do it. Things are only going to get more difficult for your kid moving forward

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP being vague is not going to improve the communications issues with your spouse. What does "executive functioning issues" actually mean? It's a nonsense phrase that is so diffuse as to be meaningless. What specific skills or tasks or abilities do you feel your son to be deficient in respect to? What specific deficits we're identified by the IEP team and written up under 504? Example, the student is in a wheelchair and needs extra time to get from class to class as an accomodation. The child is dyslexic and needs extra time to complete times examinations. A 504 suggests some deficit was identified which does not rise to the level of a disability but does warrant some in school accomodation. I'm sure it doesn't say "the mother thinks the child child has executive functioning issues" in the IEP. There has to be more and it has to be much more specific of you want to die on this hill.

By executive functioning issues, I mean organization, planning, time management, and attention issues. Our child has an IEP for a gifted program. No 504 yet. The issues I mentioned were brought up by several different teachers over the years, and in particular, by the teacher of the gifted program, and written up in the IEP as well.

But OP, you still haven't explain in a specific fashion what you believe are your child's supposed deficits in "organization, planning, time management, and attention issues." Apparently he's not only above average as a student, he's gifted. Just because he doesn't study as hard as you want him to study, doesn't do the things you want the way you want him to do them, and perhaps isn't neurotically obsessed with being valedictorian doesn't mean he has any deficits in any of those still vague areas.

Wanting to play video games and getting Bs and C's instead of straight As doesn't mean he has any deficits in any of the areas you listed. Half assing his school work and extra curriculars doesn't mean that either even if you are a tiger mom and want him to aspire to Harvard Medical School. It just means he doesn't share your priorities.

When a parent falsely believes their child has a non existent deficit to the point of wanting authorities to officially label it, that's a form of munchausen by proxy.

OP, it actually sounds like you are.more in need of an evaluation of some kind then your child is.

Wow, what? These are issues that have also been brought up by his IEP team, and they have voiced concerns about them becoming issues as the grade levels get higher and the work more complex. It hasn't been much of an issue up to this point, because there is a lot of hand-holding at the lower grade levels for things like remembering to bring your homework home, or staying on task at school, and it also helps that our child is advanced academically.

OP, see if you can get your question moved to special needs forum. Then you won't have to deal with this sort of nonsense. Parents disagreeing about to handle issues is not new and they may have ideas on how to best navigate with your spouse.
Although, I am laughing that the pp who thinks you are making up dx's also wants to diagnose you with munchausen's by proxy.

[Anonymous]

Op, I would talk with your DH about it but I would hammer it home that you need to act as responsible parents.

I also don’t think your DH has a right to veto what you want - you need to push him to compromise and at least have an open minded discussion. So maybe you get an evaluation from the ped but don’t give it to the school yet. And you and your DH have to read/watch books/videos by experts on ADHD about the science of it and discuss. It sounds like he doesn’t “believe” in ADHD, but there is good scientific/medical evidence on it that he hopefully wouldn’t just blow off.

There are consequences to not treating ADHD. It’s not like not doing anything to treat ADHD is a neutral choice.

We have had 2 neuropsych done for my oldest and they never asked from permission from DH. However, the cost was significant ($4k) so I would have had to tell DH because we don’t hide financial stuff from each other (or other stuff, but I am super sensitive about financial stuff).

Educating myself about ADHD helped me get comfortable with treating it in my child, and also feeling like it wasn’t some “problem” my DC should be embarrassed about, but a chronic condition like diabetes that we needed to help DC manage and still love their full lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP being vague is not going to improve the communications issues with your spouse. What does "executive functioning issues" actually mean? It's a nonsense phrase that is so diffuse as to be meaningless. What specific skills or tasks or abilities do you feel your son to be deficient in respect to? What specific deficits we're identified by the IEP team and written up under 504? Example, the student is in a wheelchair and needs extra time to get from class to class as an accomodation. The child is dyslexic and needs extra time to complete times examinations. A 504 suggests some deficit was identified which does not rise to the level of a disability but does warrant some in school accomodation. I'm sure it doesn't say "the mother thinks the child child has executive functioning issues" in the IEP. There has to be more and it has to be much more specific of you want to die on this hill.

By executive functioning issues, I mean organization, planning, time management, and attention issues. Our child has an IEP for a gifted program. No 504 yet. The issues I mentioned were brought up by several different teachers over the years, and in particular, by the teacher of the gifted program, and written up in the IEP as well.

I am this person and I wish my parents had done something about my obvious issues.

[Anonymous]

Option A is unethical. Sorry.

Reopen the conversation. Think of it as having two phases. In the first phase, you focus on LISTENING. really hear your husband out. See if there are compromises that are available. What exactly are his concerns? What’s his “worst case scenario?” What is he afraid of. Listen, listen, listen, and seriously consider what he’s saying. Allot for this... two weeks? IF at the end of the two weeks, you still haven’t come to agreement or any compromise, and dispute going in with an open mind, you still feel that you need this evaluation, then you try and convince him to do this. If a week or two of that doesn’t work, you can say “I know you disagree, but I feel I need to do this for our child. I’m taking him next week.”

Btw, I agree with you. But your husband is your child’s parent, not me.

[Anonymous]

OP, my neighbor (psychologist) has a now 20 something year old son. When he was younger, she wanted to get him tested because she thought he needed support, and her husband went along. It turned out that she was right, but the husband absolutely refused to share the information with the kid or the school.

At a later point in time, he came to her, absolutely distraught, because he said that he keeps working harder and harder, but didn't have any results to show for it. She shared the results of his testing, and after understanding what it revealed, he said that he was actually happy to see it. That he wasn't stupid, he just didn't learn the way other kids did, and could have done better with additional supports and accommodations. And he wished he had known much sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just do it and say that the ped and school recommended it. Just because you get an evaluation doesn't mean they're dooming your kid to ritalin for life.

I'm guessing her DH is worried about social stigma.

Doubt it. My DH is against ADHD labeling and medication because he thinks it's bogus. He's not worried at all about social stigma, especially since he thinks everyone qualifies. He also doesn't like the H in ADHD. Sigh. I've had the same discussions as OP. I see it in my DH and in my DD. DD is quiet, makes excellent grades but her mind wanders and she can't follow directions or pay attention well.

She's getting excellent grades. That's her objective in.school. What.does mind wandering even mean? She has original or creative thoughts that you disapprove of? She obviously follows directions and pays attention well enough to get.excellemt.grades. You sound like a neurotic hypercritical obsessed parent who is unhealthily enmeshed with herchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP being vague is not going to improve the communications issues with your spouse. What does "executive functioning issues" actually mean? It's a nonsense phrase that is so diffuse as to be meaningless. What specific skills or tasks or abilities do you feel your son to be deficient in respect to? What specific deficits we're identified by the IEP team and written up under 504? Example, the student is in a wheelchair and needs extra time to get from class to class as an accomodation. The child is dyslexic and needs extra time to complete times examinations. A 504 suggests some deficit was identified which does not rise to the level of a disability but does warrant some in school accomodation. I'm sure it doesn't say "the mother thinks the child child has executive functioning issues" in the IEP. There has to be more and it has to be much more specific of you want to die on this hill.

By executive functioning issues, I mean organization, planning, time management, and attention issues. Our child has an IEP for a gifted program. No 504 yet. The issues I mentioned were brought up by several different teachers over the years, and in particular, by the teacher of the gifted program, and written up in the IEP as well.

But OP, you still haven't explain in a specific fashion what you believe are your child's supposed deficits in "organization, planning, time management, and attention issues." Apparently he's not only above average as a student, he's gifted. Just because he doesn't study as hard as you want him to study, doesn't do the things you want the way you want him to do them, and perhaps isn't neurotically obsessed with being valedictorian doesn't mean he has any deficits in any of those still vague areas.

Wanting to play video games and getting Bs and C's instead of straight As doesn't mean he has any deficits in any of the areas you listed. Half assing his school work and extra curriculars doesn't mean that either even if you are a tiger mom and want him to aspire to Harvard Medical School. It just means he doesn't share your priorities.

When a parent falsely believes their child has a non existent deficit to the point of wanting authorities to officially label it, that's a form of munchausen by proxy.

OP, it actually sounds like you are.more in need of an evaluation of some kind then your child is.

Wow, what? These are issues that have also been brought up by his IEP team, and they have voiced concerns about them becoming issues as the grade levels get higher and the work more complex. It hasn't been much of an issue up to this point, because there is a lot of hand-holding at the lower grade levels for things like remembering to bring your homework home, or staying on task at school, and it also helps that our child is advanced academically.

If you want specifics, these are the things he struggles with and teachers have commented on:
- Forgetting to turn in assignment after completing it
- Forgetting to bring home homework
- Not starting on a long term project until a few days before
- Taking 10x longer to finish homework than his peers (who are not in the gifted program)
- Needing the teacher to constantly bring his focus back into the classroom
- Not finishing assignments on time
- Not finishing in-class tasks in the time allotted because of distraction or lack of focus
- A very messy, unorganized desk and backpack
- Daydreaming, drawing, playing with a zipper, playing with a lint ball during class time instead of participating

God forbid the child is daydreaming and drawing in school. Sounds like he is bored and probably has an over controlling parent and a teacher who is so afraid of parents like yourself that the teacher is unable to impose appropriate consequences such as setting and enforcing real consequences. Such as, homework turned in late gets graded as a zero. You haven't described a.child with any cognitive deficits at all but rather a typical child well within the range of normality. A normal kid.means that to a great extent he just is half assing it a lot.of.the time because he has an over controllling parent and typical very boring rote school work.

The very best.thing you could do for this child is to leave him, his teacher, the school district,. ALONE. Find something else to do with your time. Get a.job or a hobby. Let your child sucelceed or fail on his own merits and without your constant interference.

Your spouse is absolutely right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need a 504? If the teachers are noticing it, can you just add executive organizational goals to the IEP?

We have these types of goals in my child's IEP.

I've never heard of having an IEP AND a 504. Usually it's one or the other, depending on what is needed to support the child. IEPs can encompass accommodations but 504s cannot include specialized instruction.

From what I know, the 504 is for certain in-classroom accommodations, like preferential seating, note-taking support, distraction-free areas, and I'm not sure what else.

These are in my child's IEP, every single one of them (although tbh the note-taking support has not been done very well). You don't need a separate 504 for these accommodations.

None of the specific things described are behavioral or cognitive deficits much less disabilities. Remember OP said her child does well in.school. OP never said anyone at the school told her there was any real problem. She said SHE believed there was a problem. Since there was no evidence of any objective problem, all the IEP team could suggest to her was to get her own 504 evaluation done if.she wanted.to press the issue further. Undoubtedly what is really happening here is that OP perceives she might be able to get her kid some kind of "edge" if she can get him classified and perhaps some accomodations like extra time on tests.

If he is unmotivated, a little lazy, a little sloppier than she would like, has poor study habits, doesn't turn his homework in on time,that's just poor work ethic and study habits. Yet he's doing well at school overall. So maybe this is just not the straight A student she wanted him to be. That doesn't mean he's disabled, doesn't mean anything is wrong with him at all.

If she wants to address what she considers his poor work ethic, what consequences has she imposed on him for turning
in homework late?

If the daydreaming bothers her so much I suppose she could ask for electroshock therapy but I don't think they do that kind of thing any more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need a 504? If the teachers are noticing it, can you just add executive organizational goals to the IEP?

We have these types of goals in my child's IEP.

I've never heard of having an IEP AND a 504. Usually it's one or the other, depending on what is needed to support the child. IEPs can encompass accommodations but 504s cannot include specialized instruction.

From what I know, the 504 is for certain in-classroom accommodations, like preferential seating, note-taking support, distraction-free areas, and I'm not sure what else.

These are in my child's IEP, every single one of them (although tbh the note-taking support has not been done very well). You don't need a separate 504 for these accommodations.

None of the specific things described are behavioral or cognitive deficits much less disabilities. Remember OP said her child does well in.school. OP never said anyone at the school told her there was any real problem. She said SHE believed there was a problem. Since there was no evidence of any objective problem, all the IEP team could suggest to her was to get her own 504 evaluation done if.she wanted.to press the issue further. Undoubtedly what is really happening here is that OP perceives she might be able to get her kid some kind of "edge" if she can get him classified and perhaps some accomodations like extra time on tests.

If he is unmotivated, a little lazy, a little sloppier than she would like, has poor study habits, doesn't turn his homework in on time,that's just poor work ethic and study habits. Yet he's doing well at school overall. So maybe this is just not the straight A student she wanted him to be. That doesn't mean he's disabled, doesn't mean anything is wrong with him at all.

If she wants to address what she considers his poor work ethic, what consequences has she imposed on him for turning
in homework late?

If the daydreaming bothers her so much I suppose she could ask for electroshock therapy but I don't think they do that kind of thing any more

Are all the loons out today? Read my OP. I was not the one who suggested looking into a 504, it was the school. I had to google to find out what that even was after our meeting.

[Anonymous]

Yes, go ahead with it. In a medical situation you always want to do right by your kid.