Do you fantasize and/or hope your spouse has died?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recent widow here. He died unexpectedly, and part of my grief travels includes replaying arguments when I was less than skilled and revisiting moments when I wished he wasn't around. I can't say I wished he had died, but never envisioned the complications of divorce. Whatever the notion was, it is now laced with guilt that I ever thought of it. Our relationship was complicated and solid. If I could go back to the heated or sad moments and add a serving of appreciation instead of a fantasy of disappearance, I would.

NP. I'm sorry for your loss. I empathize with what you're going through.

I've had moments of rage and a fantasy of disappearance is a coping mechanism. But I also know that if something were to happen, the guilt will be enormous.

This is the human condition.

[Anonymous]

I fervently hope that I outlive my H by a good many years. He's a decent person and not someone I'd divorce, but I need that freedom of living by myself and making all my own decisions without his judgment and cynicism. He can be quite stifling in some aspects.

[Anonymous]

I don't wish/hope for it but I do sometimes think about what I'd do with my life if he does. It's more about how I manage the anxiety of having a life built around a partnership with another person. One of us is someday going to die first. We've also talked through these thoughts together, like when we were making our wills. Would I stay in this house? Would I want to take a break from work?

[Anonymous]

I fantasize that I would die sometimes. My DH always says I’m the best mom ever, but part of me thinks that if I were dead, I could never cause my children pain or screw them up. I feel like with one less parent, there would be less suffering for them.

[Anonymous]

And people would be nice to them because they have no mother. Kind of morbid I guess, but we’re being anonymous.

[Anonymous]

I don’t fantasize about his death. It’s something I think about every so often. DH is in the military, and I think about what could happen when he deploys. Who do I call first, how do I tell them? How do I tell the kids? Where do I go with the kids?

I don’t hope or wish or fantasize about his death but it’s something that I think about a lot. A few months ago hos work was on lock down for what they thought was an active shooter. Every car that drove by my heart sank thinking I was getting a knock on the door.

[Anonymous]

You should watch Chris Rock joking on YouTube about this issue.
He said you never been truly in love unless you fantasize about it.

[Anonymous]

I was widowed at 29. He died 3 days after I told him I wanted a trial separation. No one but my best friend knew, and it was actually exhausting to have to put on a show that we had such a great marriage in the months that followed. I never wished him dead or harmed, just wished myself free. It was conflicting internally because I got what I wanted at the cost of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP was asking for people who can relate to her fantasy to chime in.

To those of you who are so blissfully happy that you can't imagine such horror, congratulations. You win.

To those that call her a murderous psychopath, hope you enjoy your view from the high horse.

To the OP, this is what you get when you turn to an anonymous chat board. Go see a therapist who will be empathic and helpful.

I actually think the OP sounds pretty put together.
The poster calling OP a murderous psychopath sounds like they, to use an official DSM-V terminology, have a screw loose.

It's called having a moral foundation. There are cultures and religions in the world that weigh evil thoughts with evil deeds as being equal. I think even Catholicism has something to say about it...

Religion is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Oh, lord. I'm convinced tons and tons of people fantasize about this. You people being so judgmental...whatever.

I love my husband, and I know I would REALLY be lost without him if he died, but after being together for 25 years...god....sometimes I wish I lived alone. I don't want to divorce him. So sometimes I have fantasies where this is taken out of my hands. And I am just...free.

Would I really want him to die? Of course not. It would be awful. It would totally change my life. It would damage my kids irrevocably.

But the fantasy where I am just on my own--without all the drama of divorce--yeah...sometimes I imagine it. It's a nice fantasy.

Sometimes I also imagine us getting separate condos in the same building as empty nesters, but I don't think he'd go for it. My therapist told me that TONS of women in their 40s+ tell her that they really just want to be alone after so many years of marriage and childrearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fervently hope that I outlive my H by a good many years. He's a decent person and not someone I'd divorce, but I need that freedom of living by myself and making all my own decisions without his judgment and cynicism. He can be quite stifling in some aspects.

Just separate, damn.

[Anonymous]

What a terrible way to live. Just divorce. I couldn't imagine my spouse saying something like that about me on some random anonymous forum.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I imagine all the cheery lovey dovetail people on these threads to be fresh faced newlyweds or people who have been married for less than 5 years. Show me a couple that’s been together for 30+ years and ask these kinds of questions. I’d guarantee that at least 75% of them would say they’d THOUGHT it if they were being honest. Geez. It doesn’t mean you actually want your spouse to die. It’s just a fantasy of freedom.

[Anonymous]

My dear husband died recently and unexpectedly. I cannot imagine wishing that on anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who feels like this needs to get divorced.

Many of us feel this way because we are miserable in our marriages but we know our spouse would make our lives 10x the living hell (-!: hurt our kids on purpose) if we left. Of course divorce would be better if that were an option. But that’s why many of us fantasize about our spouse dying.

I know my kid would be sad that his parent had died but I think he would suffer so much more if his dad turned his fury on me head on.