How would you handle a 15 yo talking about getting a matching tattoo with a friend who is dying

[Anonymous]

I hate tattoos. Really do. And no, kids really shouldn't just draw on themselves. In fact most people are just drawing crap in ink on their skin because everything seems emotional and important to people.

But...this really will be a life long loss and attachment if this is, indeed, a close friend, and not just a sweet acquaintance. I do think, at age 65, which I am (!) your daughter will still have this connection and memory of this child who died and this will be a sacred mark, not a tattoo. In fact, I doubt she will want to tatt herself up later in deference to this one which has meaning. It will be the only permanent way to keep a promise to always remember a person. That's if she really wants to and is not just doing it out of emotion or maybe survival guilt.

I would support this..but it needs to be a very small and discreet symbol in honor of the childhood intimacy of friends that they share, interrupted by such a sad tragedy. And it is very sad. I'm sorry for all involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here the girls have planned to get matching dates on when they met along with each others birthday my daughter wants to get hers on her wrist although I'm trying to talk her into doing her hip bone but I might come around

Little matching dates in a nice script is beautiful.

Tell her to do her hip or shoulder (or possibly over her heart) because with the date on her wrist, people will often ask her the origin and she may find herself in tears with random strangers or she will get numb to it, but either way it won't be as special where people ask about it all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here the girls have planned to get matching dates on when they met along with each others birthday my daughter wants to get hers on her wrist although I'm trying to talk her into doing her hip bone but I might come around

Little matching dates in a nice script is beautiful.

Tell her to do her hip or shoulder (or possibly over her heart) because with the date on her wrist, people will often ask her the origin and she may find herself in tears with random strangers or she will get numb to it, but either way it won't be as special where people ask about it all the time.

If it's in a more discrete place, it will be more personal. It's not for the public, not for decoration, not for attention. It's for just them. It should be a secret talisman that she carries with her. Go with that suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here the girls have planned to get matching dates on when they met along with each others birthday my daughter wants to get hers on her wrist although I'm trying to talk her into doing her hip bone but I might come around

Little matching dates in a nice script is beautiful.

Tell her to do her hip or shoulder (or possibly over her heart) because with the date on her wrist, people will often ask her the origin and she may find herself in tears with random strangers or she will get numb to it, but either way it won't be as special where people ask about it all the time.

If it's in a more discrete place, it will be more personal. It's not for the public, not for decoration, not for attention. It's for just them. It should be a secret talisman that she carries with her. Go with that suggestion.

Op here, these are some great suggestions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a horrible idea. I would be irritated at the emotional manipulation.

I understand the parents of the young patient are distraught, but come on. It's not cool to encourage the surviving teen to get something permanent. This isn't about disrespecting the future memory of a pediatric cancer victim. Don't believe anyone who tries to tell you that, since that would reduce her memory to a tatoo, which is ridiculous. It's about not allowing another child to mark their body permanently before they are old enough to really think it through unemotionally.

I would persuade them to do something else.

Agree. The other girls parents should really be the ones to put the brakes on this. It is ok to let your daughter talk her friend into getting a tattoo because she has a terminal illness.

[Anonymous]

^isnt ok.

15 yr olds aren’t mature enough to think this through. While they will get the tattoo together, your daughter is going to be the only one to carry it on herself forever more. She may not want to look at the tattoo and be forced to grieve and think of her friend over and over every day. It may make her sad. She doesn’t know yet how she will feel once her friend is gone. A piece of jewelry can be put away when she needs some space from grieving. A tattoo is a constant reminder

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think tattoos are generally trashy. But I would definitely allow DD to get a discreet one. I’m thinking hip area.

+1. This is the only good reason I ever heard for a discreet tattoo. If it brings that poor dying teenager on second of happiness knowing your daughter will have that tattoo to remember her forever, I’d absolutely encourage my DD to get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^isnt ok.

15 yr olds aren’t mature enough to think this through. While they will get the tattoo together, your daughter is going to be the only one to carry it on herself forever more. She may not want to look at the tattoo and be forced to grieve and think of her friend over and over every day. It may make her sad. She doesn’t know yet how she will feel once her friend is gone. A piece of jewelry can be put away when she needs some space from grieving. A tattoo is a constant reminder

+1

My best friend died four years ago. His death gutted me. I carry him with me every day. I’m still in touch with his family.

However, it would bring me great pain to have a tattoo dedicated to him permanently on my body. It’s healthy to have some space from the grief when you need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a horrible idea. I would be irritated at the emotional manipulation.

I understand the parents of the young patient are distraught, but come on. It's not cool to encourage the surviving teen to get something permanent. This isn't about disrespecting the future memory of a pediatric cancer victim. Don't believe anyone who tries to tell you that, since that would reduce her memory to a tatoo, which is ridiculous. It's about not allowing another child to mark their body permanently before they are old enough to really think it through unemotionally.

I would persuade them to do something else.

Agree. The other girls parents should really be the ones to put the brakes on this. It is ok to let your daughter talk her friend into getting a tattoo because she has a terminal illness.

I scrolled through the threads hoping that I would find someone else who felt the same way. I would be worried that this one tattoo would be the start of more to come. The points above are completely valid. Instead of tattoos, how about a portrait of both girls, or a painting of them? Tattoos at this age are not a good idea, no matter the situation.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry to hear this. How tragic.

If you haven't already, it'd be necessary to look up the laws in your area that relate to getting a tattoo at your daughter's age.

[Anonymous]

Just a DCUM wake up moment. We literally have to be one of the last metropolitans and areas of the country where tattoos are shunned. Literally go to the west coast. Entire people covered in tats. By the time your daughter is a professional, DC will be the same. Lots of people have tats (covered) in this town and more will have them uncovered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a DCUM wake up moment. We literally have to be one of the last metropolitans and areas of the country where tattoos are shunned. Literally go to the west coast. Entire people covered in tats. By the time your daughter is a professional, DC will be the same. Lots of people have tats (covered) in this town and more will have them uncovered.

Yeah, I'm in California, and out here a parent who was trying to actively discourage/prevent this would be heavily judged as cruel.

[Anonymous]

Discrete, small, and can be covered. I don’t like tattooes but I wouldn’t say no to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^isnt ok.

15 yr olds aren’t mature enough to think this through. While they will get the tattoo together, your daughter is going to be the only one to carry it on herself forever more. She may not want to look at the tattoo and be forced to grieve and think of her friend over and over every day. It may make her sad. She doesn’t know yet how she will feel once her friend is gone. A piece of jewelry can be put away when she needs some space from grieving. A tattoo is a constant reminder

+1

My best friend died four years ago. His death gutted me. I carry him with me every day. I’m still in touch with his family.

However, it would bring me great pain to have a tattoo dedicated to him permanently on my body. It’s healthy to have some space from the grief when you need it.

This is what I would be worried about, op. That a fresh wave of grief will wash over your daughter every time she sees it, even if she’s not ready to think of it in that moment. As someone who cries very easily and is the mother of two children (of each gender) who cries easily, I worry about crying in Public. It’s not seen as “sensitive” but weak and annoying. I think if she’s so insistent, the dates are so impactful, a small symbol would be better.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I’d absolutely allow a small, discretely placed, meaningful tattoo.

Definitely discuss the permanence of them, the reality of how painful laser removal is, etc. just as precautions and a reality check, not to dissuade. (I have a small, discrete, non-meaningful tatoo that I got in college and absolutely hate. But because of the location and color, removal would be $$$ that I can’t afford and particularly painful.)