How would you handle a 15 yo talking about getting a matching tattoo with a friend who is dying

[Anonymous]

It is a way to link them forever in a way that is meaningful to them. Feeling connected to her friend is an important part of her grieving process and is an tangible act that she can do that will make her and her friend feel better. Yes you let her do it. If she wants to remove it when she is 30 then she can do that. She’s not getting a face tat. Allow her to let go and walk this journey in her own way with you by her side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a way to link them forever in a way that is meaningful to them. Feeling connected to her friend is an important part of her grieving process and is an tangible act that she can do that will make her and her friend feel better. Yes you let her do it. If she wants to remove it when she is 30 then she can do that. She’s not getting a face tat. Allow her to let go and walk this journey in her own way with you by her side.

You said this perfectly. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could she possibly accompany her friend and then get the matching tattoo once she's 18?

This may be a situation where my mind would change when presented with it personally, but as an outside party, this seems to be what I'd do now for a 15 year old.

This is what I would do, get the art/design and save until child is an adult who is sure she wants a tattoo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could she possibly accompany her friend and then get the matching tattoo once she's 18?

This may be a situation where my mind would change when presented with it personally, but as an outside party, this seems to be what I'd do now for a 15 year old.

This is what I would do, get the art/design and save until child is an adult who is sure she wants a tattoo.

Part of the meaning is in them going to do it together.

[Anonymous]

I had a good friend who died suddenly when we were in high school. It was my first real experience with death and it affected me extremely deeply. Im almost 40 and I still think about her pretty frequently. I don’t have any tattoos and I’ve never wanted any, but if I could go back in time and get one with her before she passed, I would in a heartbeat.

So yeah, let her do it. And also be there for her through this. Try to make sure she feels like you’re a support system and not an obstacle she has to fight through. She will always remember how you handled it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a way to link them forever in a way that is meaningful to them. Feeling connected to her friend is an important part of her grieving process and is an tangible act that she can do that will make her and her friend feel better. Yes you let her do it. If she wants to remove it when she is 30 then she can do that. She’s not getting a face tat. Allow her to let go and walk this journey in her own way with you by her side.

You said this perfectly. Thank you.

This! I couldn’t have said it better. I am also not a tattoo person and any other circumstance I would be very hesitant. But this situation is completely different. I just couldn’t imagine loosing a 15 year old daughter or best friend. How devastating.

[Anonymous]

I would allow it if it was discreet.

[Anonymous]

Op here the girls have planned to get matching dates on when they met along with each others birthday my daughter wants to get hers on her wrist although I'm trying to talk her into doing her hip bone but I might come around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could she possibly accompany her friend and then get the matching tattoo once she's 18?

This may be a situation where my mind would change when presented with it personally, but as an outside party, this seems to be what I'd do now for a 15 year old.

This is what I would do, get the art/design and save until child is an adult who is sure she wants a tattoo.

So you think she should go with her dying friend, watch her get a tattoo and then say "Yeah, I'll think about getting the same one a few years after you're dead, if I still feel like it. Guess you'll never know!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here the girls have planned to get matching dates on when they met along with each others birthday my daughter wants to get hers on her wrist although I'm trying to talk her into doing her hip bone but I might come around

I work in a spa and see tattoos much like this on very successful people. Be sure they have an experienced artist with a fine hand. It will be discreet enough at the wrist if done in small script. Another option could be at inside of upper arm. Rib cage can be hidden too (though painful).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course I would allow this. I would push to make it small and in a place that is easy to cover when desired, but yes. Absolutely.

Same. How heartbreaking. I would absolutely allow this, but would encourage something small and meaningful that can be hidden if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here the girls have planned to get matching dates on when they met along with each others birthday my daughter wants to get hers on her wrist although I'm trying to talk her into doing her hip bone but I might come around

I work in a spa and see tattoos much like this on very successful people. Be sure they have an experienced artist with a fine hand. It will be discreet enough at the wrist if done in small script. Another option could be at inside of upper arm. Rib cage can be hidden too (though painful).

If anything having it hurt like crazy might be a plus in this case

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here the girls have planned to get matching dates on when they met along with each others birthday my daughter wants to get hers on her wrist although I'm trying to talk her into doing her hip bone but I might come around

I would probably be hesitant about the wrist and try to (gently) talk her into a less visible place. But ultimately I think this is meaningful enough to let her do what she wants. I also think the stigma of visible tattoos is rapidly going away, and by the time your daughter is applying for serious jobs or whatever else, no one is going to think twice about a small wrist tattoo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a horrible idea. I would be irritated at the emotional manipulation.

I understand the parents of the young patient are distraught, but come on. It's not cool to encourage the surviving teen to get something permanent. This isn't about disrespecting the future memory of a pediatric cancer victim. Don't believe anyone who tries to tell you that, since that would reduce her memory to a tatoo, which is ridiculous. It's about not allowing another child to mark their body permanently before they are old enough to really think it through unemotionally.

I would persuade them to do something else.

At this time in their ordeal, the parents are not required to concern themselves with whether op allows the tattoo. They aren't being manipulative. They just want to deal with their own grief.

[Anonymous]

I have no tattoos and am generally against them, but I would allow it if it was easily covered up and small.

OP, I lost a close friend at 13, and I would strongly encourage you to make sure your daughter talks to a therapist. Tell her she can try a few until she finds one she likes. My parents took me once, I insisted I was fine and didn't need to be there (there was more of a stigma about therapy back then, none of my peers went). Not grieving my friend or letting myself feel all those feelings messed me up for a long time and I had to work my issues around grief in therapy eventually. Like the other PP who lost a friend at a similar age, I would give anything to back and have matching tattoos with her now. Probably the only person I'd get a tattoo with on this earth. 20 years later I treasure the photos we have together and think of her often. I am so sorry for your daughter, her friend, and the friend's family.