Realized my SIL in "grey rocking" me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I don’t fire off incessant questions or talk all.the.time. More like try to join the conversation by asking follow up questions or the typical hey how are you type things. I’ll sit in silence no problem but if I don’t engage at all at some point seems to me like I am being rude to her. Maybe that’s my hangup and I should just be more aloof?

All you have to do is accept her answers and move on. Don't keep on pumping her for more info or for more engagement. It isn't working.

Expect short answers and move onto the next family member after the short exchange. She will probably be relieved and you won't feel like you are failing.

For whatever reason, she just doesn't want to engage much. I find it's very common with many people in this area, they aren't interested in being friendly to everyone and don't care. Accept it and move on OP. There is nothing more you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I don’t fire off incessant questions or talk all.the.time. More like try to join the conversation by asking follow up questions or the typical hey how are you type things. I’ll sit in silence no problem but if I don’t engage at all at some point seems to me like I am being rude to her. Maybe that’s my hangup and I should just be more aloof?

So you cram yourself into a private conversation she's having with someone else? No social skills or self-awareness. Yes, it is a you problem. Say , hello, and keep it movng. Talk to someone else, or maybe shut up, everyone including your husband might appreciate it.

🙄🙄🙄🙄

[Anonymous]

OP maybe it's difficult for her because she isn't close to her own blood related family of origin.

[Anonymous]

I hate to bring up the most overused word on DCUM, but perhaps she is an INTROVERT?

[Anonymous]

OP, trying saying hello nice to see you and then leaving her alone. Maybe she perceives you as a talk-talk-talker who asks tons of questions and is trying to force conversation. Just try leaving her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the other people is BIL and yes agree my husband sucks for leaving mento deal with this alone. we've gone rounds about it multiple times. God forbid he upsets sister by calling her out. He has before and she stonewalled him.

“Called out” FOR WHAT? She doesn’t like you—not required to. She’s not interested in you—not required to be. She answers your questions. She’s giving you cues to leave her alone. LEAVE HER ALONE. Pretty freaking simple.

Talk to the others, bring a book or some knitting or a magazine or something. Get a hobby that isn’t being a slobbery Labrador chasing after a cat.

+1

Poor SIL!

She is not obligated to entertain you, OP.

[Anonymous]

In your most recent post it was clear that you don’t think highly of your DH’s family, and you perceive him to have been brought up poorly (which is what you attribute to his lack of emotional intelligence). I imagine that must come through, at least a little bit?

[Anonymous]

What is grey rocking? I actually don't know.
From what I can tell from your post, your SIL is a bully, essentially and you keep begging her for more cold treatment and allowing her to dominate you and you feel fearful of her. For a good reason, as you pointed out it will be even more uncomfortable if you stop trying.
But, that is all in your head, it is clearly already very uncomfortable and you need to stop giving in to her pathetic insecure bullying and attitude and start ignoring her. That might have the desired effect on her, seeing that she is not able to shake you up.
Bcs that is her aim, to make you feel small and weak and pathetic. So, turn the tables on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the other people is BIL and yes agree my husband sucks for leaving mento deal with this alone. we've gone rounds about it multiple times. God forbid he upsets sister by calling her out. He has before and she stonewalled him.

“Called out” FOR WHAT? She doesn’t like you—not required to. She’s not interested in you—not required to be. She answers your questions. She’s giving you cues to leave her alone. LEAVE HER ALONE. Pretty freaking simple.

Talk to the others, bring a book or some knitting or a magazine or something. Get a hobby that isn’t being a slobbery Labrador chasing after a cat.

+1

Poor SIL!

She is not obligated to entertain you, OP.

I haven't read the whole thread, but based on the original post you two are wrong as is her SIL. Being polite and cordial is being a normal human being. Being cold and passive aggressive towards your family member is a bullying behavior meant to displace the person and feel that person unwelcome and in a hostile environment. Nobody is saying that SIL has to be gaga over OP, but being polite and not being a bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is grey rocking? I actually don't know.
From what I can tell from your post, your SIL is a bully, essentially and you keep begging her for more cold treatment and allowing her to dominate you and you feel fearful of her. For a good reason, as you pointed out it will be even more uncomfortable if you stop trying.
But, that is all in your head, it is clearly already very uncomfortable and you need to stop giving in to her pathetic insecure bullying and attitude and start ignoring her. That might have the desired effect on her, seeing that she is not able to shake you up.
Bcs that is her aim, to make you feel small and weak and pathetic. So, turn the tables on her.

Grey rocking is a technique that experts recommend using to avoid conflict with narcissists and people with borderline personality disorder. Imagine having a relative who always finds fault with your life. You want to make yourself as uninteresting as possible. That way they have nothing to react to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the other people is BIL and yes agree my husband sucks for leaving mento deal with this alone. we've gone rounds about it multiple times. God forbid he upsets sister by calling her out. He has before and she stonewalled him.

“Called out” FOR WHAT? She doesn’t like you—not required to. She’s not interested in you—not required to be. She answers your questions. She’s giving you cues to leave her alone. LEAVE HER ALONE. Pretty freaking simple.

Talk to the others, bring a book or some knitting or a magazine or something. Get a hobby that isn’t being a slobbery Labrador chasing after a cat.

+1

Poor SIL!

She is not obligated to entertain you, OP.

I haven't read the whole thread, but based on the original post you two are wrong as is her SIL. Being polite and cordial is being a normal human being. Being cold and passive aggressive towards your family member is a bullying behavior meant to displace the person and feel that person unwelcome and in a hostile environment. Nobody is saying that SIL has to be gaga over OP, but being polite and not being a bully.

She does not ignore OP, she answers her questions. That is being cordial and civil. That is being polite.

For all we know, OP has either gossiped to her or about her in the past, and therefore SIL doesn’t want to reveal much to OP. For all we know, OP talks and talks and talks and sucks the air out of the room, and SIL is just trying to put up social cues that she needs a break from the chatter and the rapid-fire questions. Because all we are getting here is OP’s side of the story. And so far the story is, “My SIL doesn’t seem that interested in talking with me—how can I force her to? I tried tattling to my brother, but that backfired.”

Trying to force a relationship is also impolite and disrespectful. Respect boundaries, even if you don’t understand or agree with them. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Since it sounds like your kids are similar ages and it sounds like you have low self esteem, is it possible that you’re coming across as superior and trying to do comparisons with her? Like trying to show that your daughter is doing better than hers at school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe it probably be the later since husband is an over share-er and lacks emotional intelligence due to poor parental upbringing. I’m sure he shared his frustrations with me in a not so shining way and thought once we got married she’d ‘come around’ in his words though never specifically addressed her meanness to me. Just says “that’s who she is and always has been.” He definitely has fault in the dynamic. I’m sure I’ve given dirty looks and been snotty back in the early days. Once kids came along I tried to be more cautious with showing my annoyance with the behavior and just try to start new but she def holds a grudge. Her husband has said as much to my husband in a previous convo.
She’s no treat and neither are the ones that she graces with her niceness, but for some reason she doesn’t want to move beyond whatever perceived faults I have. I just have to let it go and stop fighting what’s pretty obvious. She could care less about me.
Again, I appreciate all the feedback. It’s given me a lot to think about.

First, Not being super engaging with someone you don’t know is not “mean”.

So, in response to her not falling all over herself over you, you were snotty and rude to her, despite her husband explaining she’s quiet. So you doubled down and kept pushing, while apparently not showing your annoyance as much (which is really just showing to me you likely became more passive aggressive about it).

I thought earlier that she probably wasn’t grey rocking you, but yeah, she is. You blame everyone, including your husband, for what you, yourself created.

I’m not a grudge holder, but I probably wouldn’t hold the door open for you either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe it probably be the later since husband is an over share-er and lacks emotional intelligence due to poor parental upbringing. I’m sure he shared his frustrations with me in a not so shining way and thought once we got married she’d ‘come around’ in his words though never specifically addressed her meanness to me. Just says “that’s who she is and always has been.” He definitely has fault in the dynamic. I’m sure I’ve given dirty looks and been snotty back in the early days. Once kids came along I tried to be more cautious with showing my annoyance with the behavior and just try to start new but she def holds a grudge. Her husband has said as much to my husband in a previous convo.
She’s no treat and neither are the ones that she graces with her niceness, but for some reason she doesn’t want to move beyond whatever perceived faults I have. I just have to let it go and stop fighting what’s pretty obvious. She could care less about me.
Again, I appreciate all the feedback. It’s given me a lot to think about.

First, Not being super engaging with someone you don’t know is not “mean”.

So, in response to her not falling all over herself over you, you were snotty and rude to her, despite her husband explaining she’s quiet. So you doubled down and kept pushing, while apparently not showing your annoyance as much (which is really just showing to me you likely became more passive aggressive about it).

I thought earlier that she probably wasn’t grey rocking you, but yeah, she is. You blame everyone, including your husband, for what you, yourself created.

I’m not a grudge holder, but I probably wouldn’t hold the door open for you either.

+100. If you knowingly and obviously were giving her dirty looks by your own admission (WTH? How old are you), why would she make any sort of effort with you?

Plus, your husband said “that’s how she is,” and instead of ACCEPTING her for how she is, you expected her to change and conform to what you expect and want her to be, and were snotty when she didn’t live up to your expectations. That, right there, is toxic behavior worthy of someone gray rocking you.

You literally suspect her of gray rocking you, and instead of treating her like a gray rock and leaving her alone, you are tripling down and still sniffing her out? My goodness. GET A LIFE.

[Anonymous]

Oh, geez, I presumed SIL was a bully without reading the updates! Now it appears OP was a bully and that her DH was a bully to his sister too!