Realized my SIL in "grey rocking" me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t want a best friendship from her. I guess more so as we are heading into the holidays and will be forced to confront it, I don’t want to continue to be uncomfortable. I keep trying because family should try and if I don’t try at all, it will just be silence in the room. There’s been some great advice here and I appreciate the feedback. I probably just shouldn’t care anymore and let the chips fall where they may.

You are bothered she doesn’t like you. For whatever reason, and yes it could be she is a giant B. Stop directing any questions AT her. Speak to other people in the family. Be cordial with a “oh how was this or that?” but definitely expect one word answers. Then follow up with “that’s great!” You can choose to ramble about your kids if you want, but again, she will not engage. You may actually be able to draw her out more with SILENCE. If it’s you and her in the room, check Instagram or bring a book. Let the silence marinate. If you can’t take it, find your kids.

Basically find anything else to do BESIDES talk to her. Say hello, hmm, nice, great, then say goodbye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t want a best friendship from her. I guess more so as we are heading into the holidays and will be forced to confront it, I don’t want to continue to be uncomfortable. I keep trying because family should try and if I don’t try at all, it will just be silence in the room. There’s been some great advice here and I appreciate the feedback. I probably just shouldn’t care anymore and let the chips fall where they may.

Here’s what: we all have coworkers or relatives we don’t like that much. It’s basically no effort to say, “Hi Jamie, nice to see you. Love that sweater!” And keep it moving. You are pretending this is harder and more involved than it is. Make small talk and then go focus on the people who actually want to see and talk with you. Move on.

Yes, true and agree. But when it’s just 4 adults and a few kids and you are the one that is being ‘grey rocked’ in a conversation, it’s just crappy.

If there are four adults participating in this conversation, why aren’t you blaming the other two? They are every bit as much to blame. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together and half a heartstring can make sure the fourth person is included even if SIL is deliberately stonewalling. Your husband equally sucks. You get that, right?

It seems like OP is missing social cues, it seems her DH"s family doesn't want to engage in endless talking and being quiet, and just reading, looking at TV or scrolling on the web is fine by them.

[Anonymous]

One of the other people is BIL and yes agree my husband sucks for leaving mento deal with this alone. we've gone rounds about it multiple times. God forbid he upsets sister by calling her out. He has before and she stonewalled him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the other people is BIL and yes agree my husband sucks for leaving mento deal with this alone. we've gone rounds about it multiple times. God forbid he upsets sister by calling her out. He has before and she stonewalled him.

“Called out” FOR WHAT? She doesn’t like you—not required to. She’s not interested in you—not required to be. She answers your questions. She’s giving you cues to leave her alone. LEAVE HER ALONE. Pretty freaking simple.

Talk to the others, bring a book or some knitting or a magazine or something. Get a hobby that isn’t being a slobbery Labrador chasing after a cat.

[Anonymous]

NP, I see myself in SIL and my SIL in OP. my SIL is like a machine gun, firing off questions and doesn’t even let me answer before she is onto the next topic, something usually unrelated. It is exhausting to sit across from her at dinner. I am polite but have never engaged in a relationship beyond that because she is way too much to handle. My SIL needs friends, I think she thought I would be a built in sister and best friend and that is definitely not what I wanted or expected out of my ILs.

[Anonymous]

I've made it a real thing to gray rock my sister in law. She really is a covert narcissist who is seriously dangerous and is always starting trouble. She is insecure, racist, homophobic, knows everything , she thinks about everything, literally has not one friend. She is now a Trumper anti and vaxxer. This is the only way I've been sane around her for 37 years.

[Anonymous]

People who laser-focus and ask endless questions are exhausting. What might be “awkward silence” to you might well be companionable silence and a nice break from endless chatter from others. It sounds like you are always “on” when you’re together. Try being casual and relaxed instead of poised to pounce. Just relax.

[Anonymous]

You can be cordial and not be a b*tch. It’s really that simple.
Same applies here, you can be critical of me But being mean and insulting unnecessarily just because you can makes you seem like b*tch. Take a clue from the other women that have tried to be helpful or shared their story without being terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can be cordial and not be a b*tch. It’s really that simple.
Same applies here, you can be critical of me But being mean and insulting unnecessarily just because you can makes you seem like b*tch. Take a clue from the other women that have tried to be helpful or shared their story without being terrible.

So you’ll continue to do the exact same thing, expecting different results. Got it. Keep chasin’ that cat, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can be cordial and not be a b*tch. It’s really that simple.
Same applies here, you can be critical of me But being mean and insulting unnecessarily just because you can makes you seem like b*tch. Take a clue from the other women that have tried to be helpful or shared their story without being terrible.

She answers your questions. That is literally being cordial. Rude would be ignoring you; friendly would be engaging with you. She responds, briefly: that’s being cordial.

You clearly want more. She doesn’t. Move on.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I don’t fire off incessant questions or talk all.the.time. More like try to join the conversation by asking follow up questions or the typical hey how are you type things. I’ll sit in silence no problem but if I don’t engage at all at some point seems to me like I am being rude to her. Maybe that’s my hangup and I should just be more aloof?

[Anonymous]

Hey OP if you ask 'how are you' and she says, 'good' and doesn't follow up with asking anything about you, then its not your problem. To be honest I would probably say 'good chat' and then move on to join your DH and BIL in whatever they are discussing.

I would enjoy the glass of wine you are drinking and not focus on SIL. You can't engage if she doesn't let you engage. Being cordial is allowing a conversation room to breathe but if the other person cuts you off with one word answers, you are not rude for moving on.

It's not about being aloof, you don't need to be rude. You try to have a conversation but you also understand that you can't do that alone. Perhaps try not asking any questions about her personally. That is the only other thing I could suggest. Try just saying something about a new series you are watching on Netflix and how you enjoy it or thought it was weird. Try small talk that isn't personal to you or her but just random. If that doesn't work, try saying 'oh this wine is nice, I tried xyz the other day and liked it'. If that doesn't work then so be it, leave her alone.

If she speaks to you, then talk, if she gives you one word answers move on. If there is a group discussion, join in with everyone. Don't give her bratty behaviour attention.

It sounds like those earlier years where you showed your frustration with her has had a lasting impact on your relationship. Accept that and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I don’t fire off incessant questions or talk all.the.time. More like try to join the conversation by asking follow up questions or the typical hey how are you type things. I’ll sit in silence no problem but if I don’t engage at all at some point seems to me like I am being rude to her. Maybe that’s my hangup and I should just be more aloof?

So you cram yourself into a private conversation she's having with someone else? No social skills or self-awareness. Yes, it is a you problem. Say , hello, and keep it movng. Talk to someone else, or maybe shut up, everyone including your husband might appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP, I see myself in SIL and my SIL in OP. my SIL is like a machine gun, firing off questions and doesn’t even let me answer before she is onto the next topic, something usually unrelated. It is exhausting to sit across from her at dinner. I am polite but have never engaged in a relationship beyond that because she is way too much to handle. My SIL needs friends, I think she thought I would be a built in sister and best friend and that is definitely not what I wanted or expected out of my ILs.

OP reminds me of my mother. Love her dearly but one of her major flaws is she cannot be quiet if there's a human next to her she has to talk, incessantly, and she inserts herself into conversations, making things awkward. I actually think it's a fear of missing out and some insecurity on her part, but it's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I don’t fire off incessant questions or talk all.the.time. More like try to join the conversation by asking follow up questions or the typical hey how are you type things. I’ll sit in silence no problem but if I don’t engage at all at some point seems to me like I am being rude to her. Maybe that’s my hangup and I should just be more aloof?

So you cram yourself into a private conversation she's having with someone else? No social skills or self-awareness. Yes, it is a you problem. Say , hello, and keep it movng. Talk to someone else, or maybe shut up, everyone including your husband might appreciate it.

Depends on the situation, if there are four adults at a table then it would be normal for OP to join in the conversation, if OP is walking up to the SIL having a conversation with someone else in the room then yes OP needs to stop. Don't force your way into your SIL's conversations.

Make brief conversation when you first arrive or if you find yourself next to SIL however do not try to join any conversation she is having with anyone else. If there are a small group of people I can see how this dynamic would be uncomfortable to work around. Op if you are at a table try to sit away from her if you can and perhaps let her talk with others and sit back a bit for a while, you don't need to be the one to ask follow up questions. Join in the conversation when it moves on to someone else or another topic.

Lets face it if she is talking ok with one person and then you come along and she starts giving one word answers, you don't need to put that much effort in. Just sit back and let the conversation move along. Join in then.